"the sick feeling" ...jealousy is making us literally nauseated

[Greenstone79]

hey this post is both from me and my boyfriend-

 

both of us are having problems with jealousy. it's not even really jealousy over people in the present though...it's about each others pasts. this is causing horrible problems in our relationship. we like to call this "the sick feeling," because we actually get literally sick when we think about eachother having sex with people before us.

 

ok, i'm going to get downright honest here because we really want to know everyones honest opinions. last night, it got really bad because he started telling me about a girl he had sex with that he didnt even know her name. "the sick feeling" instantly crept in and then to make things worse, he says, "well i might as well tell you all about everyone i've slept with." of course, this was a big mistake because he knows how we get really mad about eachothers past. and so, he tells all.

 

i became pretty furious...so i tell him all about mine. likewise, he became infuriated. this led to a HUGE fight that lasted all night and then this morning we started up the fighting about it again. we couldnt quit insulting eachothers past ppl and making direct insults to eachother also.

 

my boyfriend says he has slept with 11 ppl and i have slept with 8. i think that i might be able to get over his past except for one thing. his THREESOME. only 8 months ago, right before he started dating me, he had a threesome with his girlf of the time and a male family member. i dont even want to get too far into detail but lets just say im having some major issues with this. i dont know how other people feel about threesomes but i can say this-i HATE THE THOUGHT OF THIS. i know that i will still probably be jealous of the other ones too, and maybe that is only natural, but the threesome thing is bothering me so bad im thinking that maybe we should just terminate the relationship. he is also disturbed by the thought of my ex-boyfriend being "bigger" than him in a certain dept. i dont know if im being unfair but i do not see my past as being as angst-worthy as his threesome. does anyone else find threesomes to be completely unacceptable? maybe i am just being unforgiving but i cant stand this thought and i dont know if i can ever get over it. i have always seen threesomes as showing someone with a lack of character and any moral or sexual ethics at all. i know i am not perfect but i could never i mean NEVER have a threesome...ESPECIALLY with my SO and his RELATIVE.

 

i guess what i'm asking is if anyone else has had to go through this and if so how did you deal with it? i do believe that my boyfriend and i love each other very much and we are perfect for each other in many ways. however, "the sick feeling" is causing some unimaginable problems. i guess what has kept us together is that we know that even if we break up the next people we go out with will undoubtedly also cause a "sick feeling" and maybe this is just a problem that cannot be escaped from.

 

i'm wondering if i'm being unfair by feeling like his past is much worse than mine and that his threesome was not a normal thing but instead a very disgusting, repulsive thing in which i cannot, and possibly should not, get over.

 

basically, we are both wondering if other people also experience the "sick feeling" with their lovers past, and if so how can it be overcome? and i'm wondering, what are some views on this threesome thing? could you trust someone who would do this?

 

is this intense jealousy a normal thing or do we just need psychiatric help!!!!

 

any help or input is appreciated!!

[guest]

hun,

this is a perfectly normal and natural thing to be jealous. some people are just better at hiding it. it is a myth that jealousy over a lovers past is not normal and should not be experienced. i know that with me, i have had the same problem and it does cause a lot of terrible emotions. love and hate are not too far of extremes sometimes.

 

as for the threesome, well honestly i would personally not find that acceptable at all. i feel that if you would do something like that especially looking at how recent that was then there would be no way to trust the person at all unless they really really really proved it which i don't see how he could. it would prob take quite a bit of time to "change." the fact that he let his own girlfriend participate in sexual acts with his own relative is pretty obscene. this was even right in front of his face which makes it even more obscene that he would accept such behavior. obviously he had no respect for her or himself and prob wouldnt have any respect for you either or anyone else. i would say you should let this one go and move on. you are better than that.

 

 

i agree that people can change, and a persons past should not always be held against them. the jealousy feeling will not and cannot go away unless you both fully trust eachother and know that eachother really is committed to the relationship and does not have any interest in any of these other people. this belief could help somewhat. however, i do believe that in dating, people should date others with the same "moral and sexual ethics." i don't think that you two are very compatible in that sense. you shouldn't settle for less than your ideal mate. if you believe, as i do as well, that a threesome is unacceptable and he obviously thinks it is acceptable, then you should move on. not every guy is skanky like that. there are better guys out there that have more respect for a girlfriend. he evidently doesn't know what respect is if it hit him in the face.

 

best wishes

[hunkeydorey]

Ok so this is coming from a guy's persepective, I saw this post and I could not pass it up. The "sick feeling" is a good way to put it. I had this same feeling with my ex-girlfriend but the situation was a little bit reversed. SHE had had a threesome and I could not deal with it either. We had both had previous sexual relationships, and just as you, I was not perfect either. Yet there was something about that damned threesome that ate away at me and ate away at my heart. Eventually I could not deal with it. Her threesome was even several years before me and she said she would never do it again and wasn't "like that." as she liked to say. For some reason I could never believe that. Maybe some people are just more "open" to such experiences and some may find this a good trait but I always saw it as being nothing short of trashy and completely immoral. I didn't think a person like this could be trusted because I always felt that if you would do that, then you would do anything. Where are the limits here???? I ended up breaking up with her. After we broke up, I heard of another threesome she had. this time with 2 guys. Yuck.

 

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, maybe he is having some sort of sexual identity crisis. I don't know what sort of family member this was but I would never let my brother, cousin, uncle, friend, acquantaince, or ANYONE for that matter have a threesome with me and my girlfriend. He may have some incest issues to deal with as well apart from his apparent psychological problem. Pardon my French, but he is one ****ed up person. That is appalling. You sound like an intelligent girl and I know there are tons of guys out there that wouldn't do such a disgusting act. Being that this was only 8 months ago and going by my own personal experience with my ex-girlfriend, I say ditch the homo. He has no right to be furious with you for your past. I don't care if you have even had double his amount of sexual partners, a threesome is a symptom of an underlying problem with intimacy and the real meaning of respect. Ditch the loser.

[moimeme]

it is a myth that jealousy over a lovers past is not normal and should not be experienced.

 

I don't know how 'normal' it is. All these things have to do with one's own self-worth. If you are insecure, you will fear comparisons with people on TV, people on the street, past lovers, etc. etc. etc. Some people learn to get over insecurities and others never do.

 

It also may have to deal with how you think. If you continue to think about your past lovers and compare your present one against your past ones, then you might think everyone does that. Plenty of people do not.

 

As for the threesome; there are more things that people do for sex than you imagine. If the people involved consent, it isn't anybody's business what goes on.

 

I object strenuously to smoking, but I can't stop people from doing it so long as they don't pollute my air. I avoid smokers and the places they hang out. If you don't like people who get involved in acts you don't like, then don't date them. Some people become more tolerant - and even experimental - as they get older. Others cling to one set of tastes all their lives. If you are the latter, then stick with people like yourself.

 

And the lesson to be learned is this: if you are insecure, NEVER trade past lover stories with any partner. Develop your own 'don't ask, don't tell' policy and STICK to it. My ex never asked me how many partners I'd had before him and I never told him. I knew he'd rather not know. Believe me, unless you become secure in yourself, this confession habit will always bite you in the butt.

[Stone]

Somethings just need to be left unsaid! Why would you discuss your past sexual relationships?! in detail for god sake of course that is going to make the other upset. What's done is done and it was in the PAST why dwell on it now? I wouldn't have these conversations anymore!

[Greenstone79]

I have done something really bad.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot and he has been doing a lot of shady things. For example, one night he called his ex-girlf and talked to her right in front of me to make me mad. He also likes to tell me about all of his sexual past and it drives me CRAZY! No matter what i say he still keeps in contact with exes and he still holds on to mementos from them. I think he actually gets a kick out of seeing me upset.

 

We have been dating 5 months now and I don't trust him at all. He says he loves me more than any of them and that I shouldn't worry about it when I see him talking to an ex on campus and such. But I can't help but get upset about it!

 

I don't trust him at all and out of "revenge tactics" I recently cheated on him. I guess it may be in part because I feel he has cheated on me and/or has not respected my wishes by ceasing contact with all of these exes. I don't know if my behavior was just spiteful and vendictive or if it really was justified.

 

I'm not a cheater by any means but he is pushing me over the edge with the disrespect he is showing me. I don't know if I should tell him about this or not. I know it was for "revenge" but now I'm really scared to tell him.Now that the deed is done, I'm scared what I did was way worse than what he has done to me and what if he hasn't cheated on me at all? He will definitely break up with me. Should I just try and forget about what happened and leave it as a mistake or should I tell all? This is driving me crazy and I feel our relationship is deteriorating out of his contact with exes against my wishes and my "revenge tactics" to counteract it. This is so messed up. Please help!

[Pookette]

We have been dating 5 months now and I don't trust him at all.

 

That right there should tell you everything. If you don't trust him, why are you with him? A relationship should be built on trust...blah blah blah. You get the point.

 

He is not respecting your wishes by remaining in contact with his exes and flaunting them and their momentoes in your face. IMHO, you should leave his juvenile behaviors behind you and find someone else. Have you considered that he may be doing this so you WILL break up with him? Perhaps he doesn't have the guts to do it himself?

 

What you did is something you shouldn't have done. Cheating is bad, but the worst is cheating out of revenge.

 

If none of this makes sense, forgive me. It's 5 AM

[Greenstone79]

Me and my boyfriend of 5 months are still battling with jealousy over each others sexual past. I still don't really know how to get over this. It seems as though love is very jealous and selfish because we always want to be the one and only with our SO and it's kind of unbearable to think other people have had him before me. It doesn't help that he still is in contact with exes.

 

Also, I know I don't have the right to talk. I still have feelings for a guy I dated off and on a year ago. He has since transferred to another college but I still think about him. I think he was so much better than my boyfriend and I can't help but wish things had worked out differently. Now that he is seeing someone else I cannot make my self be happy for him. It makes me think that love is a very selfish thing because we only want to be with people for how they make US feel. Maybe I am being mean but I just can't be happy for someone that I care about so much to be with someone else. I AM SO JEALOUS. I guess what I'm saying is I am not fully happy in my current relationship and I have never ever been able to get over this guy I just mentioned above. I still want to hold on to the hope that we might reconcile but maybe I am just wasting my time. I can't help but feel I am getting the bad end of the stick and someone else is getting to be with someone that should be with me. No matter who I date, no one compares to how he made me feel. When I see him online I still get butterflies in my stomach. Am I just being selfish and/or obsessive or what? How can I help this? Is love really selfish?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Nemesis,

 

Love is not selfish.

 

Have you ever considered that maybe you just aren't in love??

[jalexy]

i agree with enigma....you are being selfish, actually. how can you do this to your man that you are with right now? let him go, and you, go find what makes you happy, cause obviously this dude isnt.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's the absence of "love" that causes us to behave selfishly...or the fear of losing it that sparks feelings of jealousy. Not the act of "loving" itself...

[BlockHead]

Let me guess. The road less traveled. Please cite your sources.

[EnigmaXOXO]

A Road Less Traveled...a book?

 

If so, I'm ashamed to admit I haven't read one of those in a long time! The last one I picked up and actually finished was YEARS ago and it was In Absence of the Sacred. Scared the pizz out of me!!

 

The only source I can cite, I'm afraid, is my own road of "hard knocks."

 

Live and Learn!