Insecure about looks - I think I am ugly, but something weird is going on

[Iamhappy]

I'm kind of going through a tough time right now. Self esteem is pretty shot. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't even want compliments. I just need to know if some of the events I've experienced are to be believed - if they are genuine or just bizarre. I hope someone can explain them to me.

 

I've always felt like an ugly duckling - dumpy. My ex never once told me that I was pretty or attractive. He would just roll his eyes when I asked him and he'd say yeah, you know you're beautiful. I never felt that he meant it.

 

Anyway, I've spent the last three months in Europe trying to recover from the trauma he put me through and this is when the bizarre stuff started happening.

 

In every country I was in, time and time again complete and total strangers would just come up to me and tell me that they thought I was beautiful and then they'd walk away. At first I thought it was a joke. Surely they meant my sister and her gorgeous friend. But they didn't. They would tell me that it was me they found beautiful and then they'd walk away.

 

Why would people do this? When I look in the mirror, I see someone ugly. Certainly my ex didn't see me as beautiful, so why would these people?

 

Could it be some sort of cosmic joke? None of these people tried to get my number, they didn't even want my name. They just wanted to tell me what they needed to tell me and then they walked away.

 

Were these people being cruel or do they see something in me that I don't see in myself? I'm pretty sure I'm ugly.

 

No. I know I'm ugly. Please tell me that these people were just being cruel.

[Arcane]

what makes you think a series of random foreign strangers would come up to you and lie to you for no reason? there has to be some truth in what they were saying now doesn't there?

[Iamhappy]

I don't know why they would do that. People are strange and they're mean sometimes.

 

My ex didn't see me as beautiful and I don't see myself as that way either.

 

I just wanted to know if anyone could explain the motivation of these people. I just found the whole thing weird, bizarre and unsettling.

 

If anyone could explain to me why someone would do this kind of thing and just walk away, I'd like to know.

[Arcane]

I'd imagine it was probably because they thought you were beautiful. Europeans tend to be very open and forward about stuff like that. I seriously doubt it's some kind of huge international conspiracy to freak you and and make you feel bad.

[Iamhappy]

I didn't mean to sound paranoid or think there was some sort of conspiracy to freak me out.

 

I just have never experienced anything like that. And I certainly never experienced it with the man I loved with all my heart.

 

I'm really not looking for compliments, just explanations.

 

It's just weird that they would see something in me that I can't see for myself.

[longlegzs80]

I find myself feeling the same way you do. But I look at it this way. I don't know anything about European people and how they think, but why would they give you compliments and tell you something that wasn't true. I just see it as you are being toooooo hard on yourself. Too, I find that there are alot of rude people, maybe it is where I am from but people don';t just give compliments. THey do it because they truely mean it. What you need to do is accept the compliments given to you and find it in yourself that you are a beautiful person. Anyways, this is a quote that my mother always tells me when I am hard about my looks. "BEauty is in the eye of the beholder." I truely believe in this too. But it is more then what is on the outside. So, focus on things you like about yourself. What do you find beautiful about yourself? It can be anything from looks wise to your personality. Just stop being so hard on yourself and look into yourself and realize that there is more then just looks that you should be focused on. It is clear that people believe you are very attractive with what you have told us, so just accept the fact that you are beautiful.

[Iamhappy]

Thank you for your replies. I am kind of embarassed that I even started this thread.

 

I've felt worthless and ugly for so long, it's hard to accept compliments. And when I get them, it's hard to believe that I am the recipient of such nice sentiments.

 

Still, I almost wish I could fall into a hole right now and delete this thread somehow. Does anyone know how to do that?

[longlegzs80]

I think you are the first person to feel bad about posting something that is somewhat of a problem to you. I know I don't mind. AS I said before, I feel the same way you do, and I find that you stated what you did in the thread was very intellegently put. It is a resonable thing to be curious about or have questions about whatever it is. But don't feel embarrased aoout what you have put down.

 

I totally relate to what you say in many ways because you say that you find it hard to take compliments from others. I too don't take compliments very well, and when I do hear something that is somewhat positive, it is hard to think that is believable because of the way you feel about yourself. Now, I know I am not the most positive one to take advice from, but this is something that you have to try to work on. You don't want to feel the way you do all your life because it can lead to lonely and even more depressing times. So, I strongly think that if you surround yourself with positive people who are all about being friendly and telling you stuff as how it truely is, you will end up seeing a better person in yourself along with on the outside, if that makes any sense. Just help yourself by looking in the mirror and giving yourself compliments. Like "wow, I have such great hair". Whatever it is, just change the way you feel about yourself and add some positive people to you life and you should be set. I hope this helps, and don't have anyone delet this thread.

[moimeme]

Certainly my ex didn't see me as beautiful, so why would these people?

 

Because he was a jerk. Because others can see us as we really are sometimes rather than through the filters we set up for ourselves.

 

You have to stop defining your whole self by the way that ex defined you. Clearly, he was nuts because others find you beautiful. And, yes, sometimes people do just walk up to you and tell you you're beautiful. I even had a TV star walk up to me to tell me she loved my outfit! (and it was not a designer getup or even close). Everybody's taste is different and just because one man may not have appreciated you does not mean others won't - obviously.

 

When I look in the mirror, I see someone ugly.

When anorexics look in the mirror, they see fat. People's images of their bodies can be seriously distorted.

 

Continue to gather evidence that your ex was a bad deal; this is one more piece. If he didn't think you attractive, he wasn't worthy of you.

[Iamhappy]

moimeme - thanks for pointing out that I am still defining myself by how my ex saw me.

 

I really do need to get away from him and change my whole thinking.

[moimeme]

I really do need to get away from him and change my whole thinking.

 

Yes you do and you need to remember that each and every day.