Was afraid of husband; now afraid of God more.

[Misery08]

Hello.

 

I just found this forum after surfing around all day long, looking for something that might make me feel better about myself...but what I read only makes me feel worse. I am considering throwing myself upon the mercy of my ex-husband, although I would be truly fearful of what his family, if not he himself, would do to me if they had the chance.

 

I have been divorced for a year, separate for one year prior to that. I WAS the one who pushed for the divorce, maybe too hard. My husband did not take it well and did some things involving our car and our butcher knife that I felt, at the time, forced me into practically fleeing our marriage. Now I am not so sure anymore. He never would have done those things had it not been for my talking about being unhappy.

 

I hate being divorced. My husband and I dated for almost a decade before we got married. He was not just my best friend- he was my ONLY friend. And yes, I think that contributed in large part to my marrying him, even though I had huge doubts. I tried to break up with him several times before we got married, but he always said that he would never speak to me again, and I couldn't fathom the idea of losing my only friend. So we stayed together. And I married him.

 

Now I really have lost my only friend, in many ways the only witness to my life for the past ten years. By losing him, it feels as if I lost my existence for those ten years. Worst of all is the feeling that all the effort I put into being a good person is meaningless as a divorcee: I am going straight to hell for leaving my husband, no matter how much good I might otherwise accomplish in life.

 

I have no support. I don't know anyone my age who is divorced, and I am too ashamed of my status as a divorced person to even face the single and married people I used to socialize with...people who met my husband and thought he was such a wonderful man (and he is!). When I am with other people my age, all I can think of is the fact that THEY can still go to Heaven and I can't. Then I go home and cry for hours.

 

I have let down every person who attended our wedding, and witnessed (what turned out to be) my LIE to stand by this man for the rest of my life. So I can't face any of them either, even my family and the friends of my parents who I used to regard as surrogate aunts and uncles. My grandmother passed away a few months ago, and I hadn't been able to speak to her since my separation. If I had any idea what divorce would mean for me and my family, I never would have gotten married in the first place.

 

Does anyone have advice? Is this normal after two years? Should I reach out to my ex and how do I do that? At this point, I think reconciling is the only thing that would save my self-esteem, even if my ex ends up hurting me (who is NEVER violent as long as I am happy with him).

 

I think this is the only way to save my job (can't function anymore) and my teeth- apparently I am so stressed about this that I am grinding my teeth in my sleep with "alarming" intensity. Even wearing the guard I now wear, my dentist says I might not have any teeth left by the time I am 35.

[sadintexas]

I don't want to bring you down further, but here's my take based on what you've said.

 

He was your only friend before marriage. That's pretty unusual. Makes me wonder why, and if these feelings you have about yourself now weren't already part of your life before, just in a different way.

 

He obviously did something that scared you very badly, so for that, NO I would not jump into a reconciliation with him. You said he would never hurt you as long as you are happy with him. That's kinda scary and not something you should have to think about in a marriage.

 

You're carrying a lot of guilt and blame for what's happened. Without going into it further, because I am no counselor, I would suggest you get therapy NOW. You can't continue to live with that guilt and it will help give you insight as to why you feel the way you do and help you take steps to change it.

[PWSX3]

First I would suggest counseling just to help get some of those thoughts straightened out in your head.

 

Second I would suggest joining a woman's group at church. That will give you a chance to meet other good woman.

 

For me I started going to a different church, one that now one knows me so I can start new. Then as you make friends you can share with the ones you feel will be true friends & support you.

 

The one I go to also has lots of small groups, great classes such as Boundaries which I plan on taking at the beginning of the year.

[pelicanpreacher]

There's too much missing in the picture of your marriage with your ex-husband to provide proper advice. Can you please describe the issues that brought you the most unhappiness in your relationship? You mentioned that you had major doubts prior to marrying this man and I was wondering if these same doubts manifested themselves in reality to create the discord you felt driving your relationship apart.

[Misery08]

I would say the major issue in our relationship was that it was always platonic on my end. I was always upfront about this over the years. He told me I was just experiencing "Catholic guilt" and that sex was highly overrated anyhow. I completely agreed- after all he was 5 years older than me, and since I was in high school when we met, I had NO prior dating experience while he had dated throughout college. Before we got married our relationship was long distance (yes, for 8 years), so the physical thing wasn't much of an issue. I thought we were so much more mature than the other couples I saw, who were only together for sex.

 

When we got married, suddenly I was legally obligated to sleep with this man who I had no romantic feelings for. At first I did but rarely without crying during or after. I dreaded going to bed at night and would invent reasons to stay awake later than him, which almost made me fail out of grad school. Very understandably, he was hurt by this. I couldn't stand to see it every night when he would ask me to come to bed. I tried everything- even pills- but I was absolutely NOT attracted to this incredibly good-looking man. The books I read all said that while it was possible to rekindle attraction, if you had never felt the attraction in the first place that was a different matter altogether. I believe this is what caused the anger in him, and also what drove him to view porn for hours a day, etc.

 

I know people are going to judge me for this, and I deserve it. I can't tell you what a blow it is to your self esteem, to lack the capacity for something that even a squirrel can do.

 

No, I have never been sexually abused, and I have thought very hard on that question. Yes, I am attracted to other men, though I am confident I can keep that in check on the road I probably have to walk for the next 50+ years.

[Misery08]

The few people I do talk to (my immediate family) have said that I should talk to a therapist about my guilt.

 

But I don't want to go to someone who is going to make me feel "at peace" with my despicable behavior. That is dishonest. Did the Nazis deserve to get over their guilt through therapy? I think not. And I also think that what I have done is far worse than what they did, since I broke a solemn promise to someone (even if I DID want to run out of the church that day).

 

I don't think I deserve to get over this. I just want to find a way to function well enough to provide for my family- I don't have any children, but my parents are both disabled and I need to continue to provide a lot of financial support for them.

[sadintexas]

Likening yourself to a Nazi is way out there girl. You seriously need some help dealing with this. I fully believe you are not seeing clearly and haven't for some time.

[pelicanpreacher]

There's a lesson to be learned here. No matter how intelligent or mature one considers themselves, if the person lacks the fortitude to speak honestly and frankly they will ensure a disastrous outcome to even the best intentions. If you would have told your ex point blank that you held no romantic feelings for him at the outset and established a firm boundary limiting your relationship to a platonic friendship you could have avoided everyone's pain and heartache. I also believe that you never got a chance to experience life as an adult long enough on your own to mature into the actualized adult you are destined to become. Until you know who you are, what you want, what your needs are, and what your life goals will shape up to be then it is insane to commit yourself to a relationship you're destined to grow out of.

 

I'd say that you need to take a deep breath and begin the process of living your life as a single woman to grow and mature to the point where your self esteem is no longer determined or validated by the opinion of others. In the meantime and between time, gain relationship experience by dating and socialising until you know what you are looking for in a life partner to compliment the life you've built for yourself by yourself!

[dead-dyke]

After you get yourself fixed, - and you should see someone, because you have a seriously sideways slant on yourself - THEN decide if returning to your husband is something you should or WANT to do. I don't know what else to say, but your attitude towards yourself, and view of life out of marriage is very unhealthy and counterproductive. I really wish you luck.

[Sheebah]

Misery- Before you even think about reconciling or reaching out to your ex. Go to counseling so that you can better understand yourself and the marriage. Your value does not increase or decrease because of another person. You are of great value on your own. I think perhaps you just need to realize who you are... Work on yourself for abit, Misery. You aren't going to hell... If you know anything about God, you'd know that he is a loving God and a forgiving God. You mean the world to Him! He wants the best for you down here on earth. Do you think this marriage was His best? Don't give your ex more power than he has, girl. Do you attend church? It's a great place to meet others. There is so much to experience in this life. Meet others, travel and just have fun. This will help you open up. Pray and ask God for guidance and to put the right people in your life to help you. Sounds like you had doubt about your marriage in the beginning, as did I. Those inner feelings are there for a reason. Where there may be doubt means that there isn't God. If I would have gone with my inner me perhaps I would not have been cheated on so much in marriage but whats happened has happened. We must always follow our instincts. Spend this time on yourself now. If it's God will for you and your ex to get back together it will happen without effort, if its God's will. Work on yoursef, first. Start a journal. In a few yrs, you can reflect back and see your growth. Also, I would hold off on dating others first. Try developing a better relationship with God. Know His love. If you date now, you may end up with your ex... Another guy with a different name same story. I don't want you to be taken advantage of. Pls, just get counseling and talk to God. Keep us posted! I know that you can overcome. One day, you will share your story with someone else who is going through the same situation. I am also preaching to myself as I write this to you! Keep your head up! ;O)

[Misery08]

Thanks to everyone for their kind and/or honest words.

 

Unfortunately, it was the feeling that this marriage was God's will that made me go through with it. I successfully put off the wedding for three years and was about to have the big "I'm really not ready for this" talk...and then my husband's mom called. Their family church (his uncle is the pastor) had just had a last minute cancellation (five weeks!), so they had "penciled us in" along with the florist and the band. This was a church that ususally gets booked two years in the advance- so everyone ELSE certainly thought it was divine intervention, and I resigned myself, thinking this was the sign from God I had been waiting for.

 

I really don't see how a therapist can tell me with any authority that God doesn't want me to be married to this man. I will take the advice of everyone here and see someone a couple times I suppose (it is just so expensive).

[Bright Shadow]

I've been on the other end of this one. Yes, you should have been strong enough to stop the marriage. It's done, no way you can change that now.

 

Same for your divorce. It's over.

 

I guess this thing of guilt and shame is one of the big reasons why I've left the church and gone with something new. To my mind, God is big enough to forgive. You need to do that for yourself... and move on. Just promise that in future you'll have the courage to end relationships when you feel you should.

 

Beyond that? You need to reconnect with family and make some new friends. Support is important.

[sumdude]

Show yourself some compassion. Give yourself and your ex husband forgiveness. Ask God for help and the same. As a man whose wife left him and pushed for divorce I imagine how she may feel these days.. and I would say the same to her regardless of my resentments.

 

I also think you you seek counceling. There's also a faith based group program called Divorce Care. They meet in many churches around the country. Search it out on the internet. Talking this out with others who have been through it can help.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I really have nothing new to add that has not already been said, but I do advise you to take ALL the advise given here seriously. God's blessings and enlightenment unto you and your loved ones.

 

 

DNR

[sb129]

I am not quite sure what it is you have done that is so terrible in the eyes of a god?

 

I personally don't actually believe in god, however, I can see the pain and anguish you are going through, and you need help and support misery.

 

Likening yourself to a Nazi is pretty harsh! All you did was marry the wrong man.

 

Think of this as a new start- you can be a better person as a result of this divorce as you have had a second chance to find someone who makes you truly happy. Don't you think god would want you to do that?

 

You need to find a sympathetic support group within your church- there are lots of divorced practising catholics out there...... its not totally unheard of.

Speaking to people with similar feelings may help to lift your guilt and misery.

 

PS your dentist is a meanie and is using shock tactics- if you are stressed and grinding your teeth there are other ways to deal with it rather than threats!

 

You are not a bad person for being divorced. please give yourself a break..

[quankanne]

you mention Catholic guilt ... maybe you could get spiritual counseling from a priest or deacon if cost is a factor to getting the help you need to get through this.

 

everyone one of your posts raises a red flag, Mizz – almost like you were corralled into this marriage against your will. And in the Catholic world, that's one qualifier for a sacramentally invalid marriage. Meaning, if you're not there of your own free will, and were psychologically or physcially coerced into marriage, it's not a true marriage in the eyes of God. And probably most of society, because that thing of freely giving yourself in marriage needs to be there in a healthy relationship.

 

you feel guilty because you understand what marriage is supposed to be, "in the eyes of God," but I can assure you that from what you've written, your marriage really and truly wasn't even that because of the psychological factors involved.

[pelicanpreacher]

 

Unfortunately, it was the feeling that this marriage was God's will that made me go through with it. I successfully put off the wedding for three years and was about to have the big "I'm really not ready for this" talk...and then my husband's mom called. Their family church (his uncle is the pastor) had just had a last minute cancellation (five weeks!), so they had "penciled us in" along with the florist and the band. This was a church that ususally gets booked two years in the advance- so everyone ELSE certainly thought it was divine intervention, and I resigned myself, thinking this was the sign from God I had been waiting for.

 

God doesn't need to exert the will of others to subdue your own. God gave you free will to excercise the freedom to choose the path you take in whatever you do in life. Do not go looking for signs of God's intent from without for he has always had direct access to your soul and spoke loudly and clearly to you from within. Whether you choose to listen or not is, again, just another choice in your right of free will to make your decisions regarding the paths set before you. Your healing will only come by recognizing that you and you alone are responsible for your choice to lie instead of telling the truth and that you must seek the forgiveness of others you have harmed with your misdeeds to make atonement for the unnecessary pain you've caused.

 

I think that your ex bears equal responsiblity in this situation for he chose to see what he wanted to see and ignored the plain fact that your continued reluctance to make a commitment was his clear sign that his love for you was unrequited. Your lack of backbone to set the record straight regarding your true feelings may have also been a factor that gave him the false hope to continue working for a commited relationship.

 

His attempt to guilt you into maintaining the relationship by saying that he would never speak to you again if you ever broke up with him was a ploy leveraged from his knowledge of your loneliness and deficient social circumstances. I believe that your lack of social interaction with others because of the time and energy you have to consume taking care of your elderly and disabled parents contributes to your willingness to cling to this relationship due to your lack of peer support. This is something you'd better change or else you will always be vulnerable to the exent that your thoughts of reconcilliation may be motivated by your need to just have someone within your age group with whom you can relate to.

 

I'd also say that your ex is not only manipulative but opportunistic as well. In his frustration to have you to himself I believe he decided to force the matter by enlisting his family to ambush you with this surprise wedding knowing about your predispostion to "seeing signs" in the hope that once the deed was done that somehow you would acquiesce and submit to this marriage whether you loved him or not. If he indeed carried this mindset going into this farce then he bears equal responsiblity for the divorce and pain that ensued.

 

In considering this situation from all angles I'd say that apologies should flow as freely as wine at your wedding for blame can be shared generously by all involved so take onus for the consequences of your actions and stop beating yourself up for the well intended but misguided notions of others.