crimsonrose Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 So i already said how long and how often we talk He told me today that he doenst look forward to talking to me. cuz he does it every day. We do little messages every hour or on myspace when hes at work, and then when he gets hoem we video call each other online for a few hours. but basically theres like a 15 minute my day was good, so was mine, alright then. And then he plays games and i sleep. I don;t understand how he can be tired of speaking to me when we rarely do it. We speak for half an hour on days he works, at most, and its not depe conversations. Its just retarded thigns we could have went without saying, and then he plays computer games till he goes to bed. I'm guessing this is just a typical male and female difference? i need mroe relaitonal crap and he needs more activities? But i feel liek even when we do talk, I have to compete with his attention over computer games cuz hell literally turn them on, cuss at it, and play it while im trying to speak to him. Or he cant even hear me over the noise of the computer Anyone else have this? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 He told me today that he doenst look forward to talking to me. cuz he does it every day. We do little messages every hour or on myspace when hes at work, and then when he gets hoem we video call each other online for a few hours. but basically theres like a 15 minute my day was good, so was mine, alright then. And then he plays games and i sleep. If it were me, I would stop the little messages during the day because not much is being said and it just keeps him feeling like he is in touch with you all day and how can you miss someone who is always there... My guess is what is being said in the little messages is more of the same kind of thing as the conversations right? i.e. mundane basic stuff? I don;t understand how he can be tired of speaking to me when we rarely do it. We speak for half an hour on days he works, at most, and its not depe conversations. Its just retarded thigns we could have went without saying, and then he plays computer games till he goes to bed. There are building blocks that go into relationships and it is not the "retarded things that we could have went without saying" but the more meaningful intimate conversations/actions that truly develop a concrete foundation. Did you ever have these kinds of conversations? Has he ever displayed his interest and treated you as a priority before? Ahhhhh the lovely video game problem. I guess a lot of girls deal with this on a regular basis. If it were me, I never would. Either I am a priority and you want to keep me _____ (fill in with happy, around, talking to you, wanting to be 'intimate' with you, etc.) OR you don't and in that case I can find someone else who does. No one has ever been so important to me that I would allow myself to be treated badly or neglectfully. Don't get me wrong, I have had to work through some major issues in relationships but I will never chase attention or caring. My view is that if a man doesn't, I do not need to stay around or plead with him to - there's the door. And if he is treating me well or acting like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me or it is too challenging to fulfill my needs, I invite him to use it post haste. There are other guys out there! I'm guessing this is just a typical male and female difference? i need mroe relaitonal crap and he needs more activities? But i feel liek even when we do talk, I have to compete with his attention over computer games cuz hell literally turn them on, cuss at it, and play it while im trying to speak to him. Or he cant even hear me over the noise of the computer Anyone else have this? Not necessarily a male/female difference. Some people require different things. But there are basic premises on which any relationship is built. And communication is DEFINITELY key. If one of the people involved isn't making it a priority or investing time and consideration the relationship is doomed to failure. This is especially true in an LDR. This type of relationship just will not last or grow without being nurtured. Link to post Share on other sites
Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 this is not right, he is taking you for granted, this is exactly what my girlfriend does, she lives her social life, thinks she can call me and not return my calls all day, even just to say hi, i think you need to stop being available, don't be there every time he expects you too, i hate to say it i did the same thing to my long distance girlfriend and it made her feel like crap, now she is doing it to me, and it hurts like hell, but after calling her and making all the effort im not always available at her whim anymore. well at least for 1 day! (so far) you should have a talk with him and if he doesn't respond start to pull back a bit, if he doesn't come chase or seem to care dump him! its a shame because you wind up treating the person you love the most like total crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 this is not right, he is taking you for granted, Exactly. Either that or he doesn't care if you are his girlfriend or not. In either case it is time for you to ask for what you need and want. this is exactly what my girlfriend does, she lives her social life, thinks she can call me and not return my calls all day, Multiple calls throughout the day are a problem in the first place. It tells the person being called you basically have no social life or obligations (i.e. no life) other than them. Basically leading to them believing you will always be there so why do they need to take care of you or the relationship...? you should have a talk with him and if he doesn't respond start to pull back a bit, if he doesn't come chase or seem to care dump him! Right again!! Ask for what you need and want. If you don't get it then find someone who WILL give it to you. At the same time do NOT spend the day texting, messaging, or calling. You need your own interests as well. This goes for any relationship. its a shame because you wind up treating the person you love the most like total crap. You can only treat them like crap because they allow you to. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Crimson, you said something profound. It is NOT deep conversations. Some people are into little chitchat about non-sense and others don't want to hear from you unless you have something worth talking about. And there are those somewhere in the middle. I am one of those who isn't really into chitchat at least without some deep conversation somewhere in there. I am easily distracted if I have nothing to really be engaged in. This might be his case too. My suggestion is this, if you truly are speaking just half-a-hour per day, make it count. Make him want to engage you. Think of things to talk about. Politics, religion, family differences, etc. And make sure he isn't playing the game. Let him know you want the you time. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 If a man told me he didn't look forward to talking to me, I guarantee that would be the last he heard from me for a long long time. I read back through your posts and it seems this relationship is very one sided. You are paying for your tickets each time and flying there each time. Has he ever come to visit you? Why isn't he paying for your ticket? What effort does he actually make for you? Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Hi CR! I am also glad to see that you posted this here. I want to tell you first that I ended a five year relationship because of video games and being taken for granted. There is no way for you to know if living with him or closer would be the same and it's good that you are seeing it now. I can tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world to live with someone and they are not really there. In any intimate relationship both people need to remain somewhat independent but you also need a significant amount of time together to build your connection and communication. Recently I was a little worried about the same thing because every time I talked to my LD he was on his game at the same time and he would sometimes not hear me. I also tend to be around other people (roommates, friends) and sometimes he is just there while I talk to them. It occurred to me that if we were in the same place these are the normal things that would happen. I would have my life, he would have his, and we would do those things and others together sometimes as well. The important thing is that there is time that you actually spend together, talking and so on. Maybe you can set some time each day where you do something together that you can talk about for more than 15 minutes. Hope it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crimsonrose Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 If a man told me he didn't look forward to talking to me, I guarantee that would be the last he heard from me for a long long time. I read back through your posts and it seems this relationship is very one sided. You are paying for your tickets each time and flying there each time. Has he ever come to visit you? Why isn't he paying for your ticket? What effort does he actually make for you? Actually, I'm ashamed to say he made the first trip out here and has spend thousands of dollars on me. he paid for his ticket, then half of my second one, and then all of my third one. I owe him so much I'm actually worried it may be because I've been so depressed. I cry so easily, and he doesnt watch his tongue very closely because thats how he was raised: to be tough and not hold back. so he says somethign lsightly offensive and im upset the rest of the night Last night we talked for a couple of hours, MOSTLY game free (bloody hell). I was happy and thus he seemed happier to talk to me. Half of this is my fault. I still think he needs to stop playing games almost the whole time we speak though. It only frustrates everything... Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 I agree with you Crimson, I having been in two relationships that was long distance, rest assured, there was no distractions when we talked. I'd turn off the t.v. and the music if it was too distracting. One thing I do disagree with is who should pay. This should be something YOU BOTH discuss before anyone makes any plans to visit. Should he pay your way to come see you? Should you do the same in return? Or should you both go half and half? That is something no outside party should be allowed to dictate to either of you, but you two come to a conclusion. I personally would pay my own way to go see the woman and make sure I have enough money in my pocket for my expenses and I hope she would have the courtasy of doing the same for herself if she comes to see me. If it is the woman asking me out on the date, she pays. If I am asking her out on a date, I pay. And we agree that most of the dates are dutch. Why? Because we both have expenses we have to pay for in our lives. If we have our own places we have to upkeep, how are you going to diss either one for not paying the way for the date? Don't be ashamed because he payed for his time with you. I would do that if I was the one coming to see her too. Now you need to face a lot of things about yourself, especially if you cry real easy. And he needs to take some sensitivity classes. It almost seems like you two are polar opposites and aren't taking the steps to find an equalibrium. And that is going to be the trick of this relationship and it is definitely going to include a lot of work on BOTH of your parts. So, I would suggest you talk with friends and family and read up on long distant relationships, dealing with people of your types, and other books that deals with the issues you see going on. And offer him the same information while you two talk. It might help you both find the common ground you both need. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Dark, but she is a 17 year old girl. She doesn't have a career or education or stability to afford $2000 tickets. Crimson, I wish you luck. I see you are moving here to Oz. I moved from the US to Oz for my 3 year long distance love. Are you planning to continue your education once you get moved here? Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Dark, but she is a 17 year old girl. She doesn't have a career or education or stability to afford $2000 tickets. Crimson, I wish you luck. I see you are moving here to Oz. I moved from the US to Oz for my 3 year long distance love. Are you planning to continue your education once you get moved here? If she is willing to do that for love and she is not doing anything illegal or harmful to herself or others... Who is to tell her she's wrong? I personally wish my last long distant relationship had a visitation. I would of loved to moved to NZ to be with my Sweetness. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Author crimsonrose Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 Thank you both for the advice and concern After I pay for the tickets for this upcoming visit and my final ticket to move to him, we should be even as far as paying for tickets go. however, hes spent a few thousand dollars on just going out and spoiling me when we're together, so who knows when on earth I can pay the poor thing back... I am trying though Anywho, things seem to be better now that I'm trying my hardest to be cheerier. He's playing computer games right now and I'm trying to find other things to do so as not to make him feel smothered. He still gets tactless when he speaks to me, but I think things are getting better. Now I just have to hope and pray he doesnt get too addicted to his games. I have sort of a breaking point with supporting him with his gaming hobbies. Playing a few hours a day is fine, as long as he talks to me for at least half an hour with undivided attention. But eventually he starts playing at the same tiem as he starts webcamming me, and he plays for hours on th weekends and puts off getting online to talk to me because of it. As long as he doesn't do that again, I think itll be fine. Besides, of all the things in the world a guy cuold do, playing too many games is the least of my worries. lol. I'll just hope he doesn't start getting really impatient with my needs again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author crimsonrose Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 Dark, but she is a 17 year old girl. She doesn't have a career or education or stability to afford $2000 tickets. Crimson, I wish you luck. I see you are moving here to Oz. I moved from the US to Oz for my 3 year long distance love. Are you planning to continue your education once you get moved here? Haha, yeah. I wish you could tell him that! I'm making 6.55 an hour working 40 plus hours a week and finishing up school, and its still gonna take a few months jsut to afford the tickets for this upcoming visit with him. He gets angry with me sometimes because I spend 20 bucks to go out with a girl friend, and says I shouldnt even be going out until I get all the money for tickets to Australia. That gets hard. But yeah. Everything else is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
strongertoday Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 HUGS hun..... Money is a terrible curse to us LONG long distance relationships...... Just ignore him when he comments on you spending $20 going out with the girls, I bet the latest game he brought was lots more. And dont stress the 'who is paying more' thing......If you are a couple now then that is what couples do, share moeny and help each other out. As far as communication...I think most guys get like that at times....mine certainly did......pulling back a bit while it hurts us a little also means when they do speak to us again they get that excitement in their voice which is so worth it. Hang strong.... you can do it....you have the love and support of a wonderful man....remember that and keep smiling HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
Author crimsonrose Posted November 8, 2008 Author Share Posted November 8, 2008 HUGS hun..... Money is a terrible curse to us LONG long distance relationships...... Just ignore him when he comments on you spending $20 going out with the girls, I bet the latest game he brought was lots more. And dont stress the 'who is paying more' thing......If you are a couple now then that is what couples do, share moeny and help each other out. As far as communication...I think most guys get like that at times....mine certainly did......pulling back a bit while it hurts us a little also means when they do speak to us again they get that excitement in their voice which is so worth it. Hang strong.... you can do it....you have the love and support of a wonderful man....remember that and keep smiling HUGS thank you so much honey. that helped and made my day. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts