Boyfriend...and a Crush

[abbeyjayne]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now. Almost 6 months ago he joined the Navy, so we are currently in a long-distance relationship. I have always loved him but there are those imperfections to our relationship. I am a Christian and he is not. My religion is extremely important to me and I have made the promise to myself not to marry a Christian, but I am not going to force him into anything. Also, we joke about our large amount of disagreements. Don't get me wrong we do get along and have fun.

Recently, I have met this guy at school who I was immediately attracted. I never mentioned my boyfriend because he seemed like such a great guy, that I didn't want to bury any opportunities. We started talking and have hit off so incredibly well. He found out about my boyfriend from one of our mutual friends. We talk everyday, all day. I am not kidding...it seems like we will never run out of things to talk about. We have so much in common and he is an amazing Christian guy. We have been able to challenge each others beliefs, which I have never had with my boyfriend. It's so hard because he has really strong feelings for me to, but he cares more about the feelings of my boyfriend and doesn't want him to get hurt. No matter what happens somebody will get hurt either way. A lot of our friends tell us to completely stop talking, but we seriously cannot imagine not talking/ hanging out. He always makes my day...he's amazing. He has given me such an amazing confidence that I have never had before. He makes me feel like I am a more influencial person than I think I am. He always tells me that I am going to make a difference in so many peoples' lives.

I just hate to think of breaking either of their hearts. They both mean sooo much to me. And now with my friend...our feelings are getting really strong and we have had to set ground rules so that we do not act on our feelings.

Please somebody help!! I know this isn't going to be easy or clean...it's going to take a while to sort out and it is going to be tough. I would just really like to hear what someone that isn't in my life thinks about this.

[Island Girl]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now. Almost 6 months ago he joined the Navy, so we are currently in a long-distance relationship. I have always loved him but there are those imperfections to our relationship.

 

There are and always will be problems in any relationship. It is how you deal with those problems that matters.

 

I am a Christian and he is not. My religion is extremely important to me and I have made the promise to myself not to marry a Christian, but I am not going to force him into anything. Also, we joke about our large amount of disagreements. Don't get me wrong we do get along and have fun.

 

You made a promise to yourself to marry a Christian (I think you just mistyped - please correct me if I am wrong) then why did you stay with your boyfriend when you discovered he wasn't and things were moving to the serious side? Were you hoping to convert him or had you decided to accept the difference?

 

Recently, I have met this guy at school who I was immediately attracted. I never mentioned my boyfriend because he seemed like such a great guy, that I didn't want to bury any opportunities.

 

There will ALWAYS be men out there you are attracted to. You are in control of only one thing, whether you act on the attraction or not.

 

You didn't mention your boyfriend because you "didn't want to bury any opportunities"?!! Incredibly selfish and thoughtless don't you think? You chose to omit information and opened up a can of worms because of your silence.

 

We started talking and have hit off so incredibly well. He found out about my boyfriend from one of our mutual friends. We talk everyday, all day. I am not kidding...it seems like we will never run out of things to talk about. We have so much in common and he is an amazing Christian guy. We have been able to challenge each others beliefs, which I have never had with my boyfriend.

 

You are having an emotional affair. It is wrong. It is painful for all involved but most painful to those who had no choice. This new guy had no choice because you lied by omission and now he is involved. Your boyfriend had no choice because he is away at sea protecting his country.

 

You are absolutely wrong not to break up with your boyfriend immediately or break off the communication with the new guy.

 

It's so hard because he has really strong feelings for me to, but he cares more about the feelings of my boyfriend and doesn't want him to get hurt.

 

At least ONE of you is thinking about the man you made promises to who is away (not his choice) serving his country. Too bad it isn't the girl who professed her love for him and pledged she would maintain the relationship and stay true and faithful. Too bad he wasn't the one who made a commitment to your boyfriend. You were.

 

No matter what happens somebody will get hurt either way.

 

Yep. Thanks to your thoughtless and selfish actions someone will be hurt BADLY.

 

A lot of our friends tell us to completely stop talking, but we seriously cannot imagine not talking/ hanging out. He always makes my day...he's amazing. He has given me such an amazing confidence that I have never had before. He makes me feel like I am a more influencial person than I think I am. He always tells me that I am going to make a difference in so many peoples' lives.

 

Your friend have been telling you the truth but you are turning a deaf ear because you only want to hear that it is okay to keep having this affair with this guy.

 

Relationships are ALWAYS great in the beginning. It is how you weather the storms that really matters. Unfortunately all it took was some alone time for you to make the choice to hurt your boyfriend, bring a third party into the relationship, and create one big gigantic mess.

 

I just hate to think of breaking either of their hearts. They both mean sooo much to me. And now with my friend...our feelings are getting really strong and we have had to set ground rules so that we do not act on our feelings.

 

You really should have thought about everyone's feelings before. Either break it off with your boyfriend and continue to see and talk to this other guy or break contact with Mr. New.

 

Those are your only two choices at this point. And the sooner you decide the better.

 

Telling yourself that you are thinking of their feelings is avoiding your own responsibility and a ruse for only thinking about yourself.

[abbeyjayne]

I won't lie some of your comments were brutal, but thanks. I needed to hear it. I know this is all my fault...and i have screwed really bad. But I am still so confused. I have never dealt with anything like this before so it is awful. I feel like everything I do is wrong...and I don't know where to start to pick up the pieces. And how said that I need to choose...that is that hard part. I don't want hurt my boyfriend because like you said I am the one that made the committment. But I the new guy has been hurt a lot...and I have only screwed stuff up more by continuing to hang out and talk to him. I don't know what to do...I screwed.

[UnamedSeven]

Theres only one real thing to do here. Island girl wasn't all right. If you've been having constant arguments with your boyfriend, then i don't think its fair that even though hes out at sea, you still have to sit here and pretend to still feel the same way about him, before he left. Thats nearly impossible. After the time of being away, its almost like your loving someone who isn't there by your side. Granted, its not his fault, but you cant keep love between you and your Boyfriend if he isn't there. Right now, he's not and you can't expect him to be mad at you for losing the Love you had with him. Follow your heart because thats the only thing that will stay true.

[Sunshine11]

I didn't read all of the above posts, but I've been in a really similar situation. (I kind of am right now, too, but me and the 'other' guy are BOTH in relationships, and we maintain courteous, polite conversation, and I don't think we've every spent more than 10 minutes together with no one else around. And we don't talk about it.)

 

What I've learned:

 

If you have already truly committed yourself to your boyfriend, then a good thing is NEVER worth risking to chance. If you have not truly committed yourself, and/or if you know in your heart or your gut that you and your boyfriend have irreconcilable differences, such as religion, then do yourselves both a favor and end it now.

 

Marriage is a commitment, not a love affair. You and your boyfriend are not married yet. So it's okay right now. However, if, before meeting guy #2, you felt completely at peace about spending your life with your boyfriend, then TELL HIM what's going on in your life. Tell him you've been faithful; you're just having a really hard time with him away. Tell him you've developed feelings for this friend. Tell him you feel guilty about having those feelings, and you want to work them out with your boyfriend. And tell him the religion issue is really really important to you, and that's part of the attraction of this other guy. Decide what you need from him on this front: do you need him to have a personal relationship with Jesus? Do you need him to believe in God and Christianity? Or do you just need him to be supportive of you in your religious beliefs? Then ask him to meet you where you need him to. If he can't, then I think you'll have made your decision. If he can, please cut off your ties with this other person.

 

If, however, you never felt truly confident in devoting your life to your boyfriend, and he's not willing to meet you where you need him to religiously, then break up amicably, and enjoy spending time with guy #2.

 

I don't have the guts yet to talk to my boyfriend about guy #2, but I'm working towards it. In the meantime, I try not to talk to #2 very often, and I try to enjoy my boyfriend more. (I see both of them almost every day.)

 

Anyhow, best of luck!