Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 I am going to try to make this long story as short as possible. Ive been married 10 years and have 2 children. My husband and I have been together since high school. He was my first real love. It has never been a great relationship since the start. But I was young and niave and thought he was the only one for me. I got pregnant while still in school, he left. Didnt want anything to do with it or me. He was to selfish and into his friends. Took absolutely no responsibility. A year later we were back together. (my parents did not like him very much at this point!) After high school we broke up and didnt talk for about a year and a half. Then we eventually got back together and that was 10 years ago. He did grow up quite a bit since the high school days, but not quite what I was hoping. Everyone thinks I am so happy, I am not. I havent been for a few years now. I think little things along the way have changed the way I feel about him. We have constant arguements about him keeping his jobs, which he has trouble doing, due to an anger issue he has that he wont admit too. A couple yrs ago we argued because he had called out of work and I was worried he was going to lose his job, he got upset with me, squeezed my arms and pushed me to the ground. That night I found out i was pregnant and a week later had a miscarriage. I dont know if the 2 were connected but it has stuck with me. He was very sorry, and felt awful. And has never touched me since. But I think I lost some respect for him then. There is more but that is the major stuff. I dont even like going on vacation with him because there is always a temper tantrum he has about something and Im stuck with him for a week. I know he loves me, I dont know how he would go on without me, hes very dependent. I just dont feel the same about him anymore. I try to make myself, but I dont. hes a good father and I hate to make him leave. But I feel like I am just with him to make him happy and for my children. There is no passion or romance. The second part to this interesting story, I met up with an ex I was with before I met my husband. We have been talking for just over a year. We seem to have such a connection, and so much in common. But I wont cheat and havent. It bothers me that I even talk to him behind my husbands back. This kind of thing is soooo not me, I have never thought about any other man, until now. And Im thinking its because I know my marriage is over. I would love your opinion. I havent and will not tell any of my friends or family. I feel that they will worry about me and I just dont want that. Id rather handle it myself, but Im confused on what is right. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 If you want info on your situation with you ex-boyfriend from your teenage years, try reading the infidelity forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f35/ I think you'll find your situation to be a common one and the postings will outline some of the pitfalls and things to expect. Regarding your M, perhaps ask him if he'd agree to MC for six months. I think it's important you hear his perspective and communicate your own with a neutral third party to handle his temper tantrums. I know I had a few "tantrum" moments in MC and our psychologist handled them well. If nothing else, properly approached, MC will give you clarity about the how and why you should divorce or remain married. It's difficult to have a long-lasting marriage, especially getting married as young and under the circumstances you did. But, OTOH, I'll be attending a party next Saturday for my wife's sister, who is celebrating she and her H's 30th anniversary. She was 15 and he was 17 when they got married. So, it can work, and it really does for them. Do some reading here and call a couple psychologists to see if you can afford and want to consider MC. Best wishes and welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 The second part to this interesting story, I met up with an ex I was with before I met my husband. We have been talking for just over a year. I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT!! BS! forget this ex. Go to marriage counseling with your husband. Geez you women who find somebody and all of a sudden pull out all these feelings from a hat. I would have had WAY MORE respect for your post had I not had to read the above. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Carhill, thanks for your response. I will read that other thread. We did go to MC. I pretty much made him go with me. And he thought it was no help at all. We went for about 5 months 2xs a month. He thought it was a joke, and didnt get anything from it. Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Carhill, thanks for your response. I will read that other thread. We did go to MC. I pretty much made him go with me. And he thought it was no help at all. We went for about 5 months 2xs a month. He thought it was a joke, and didnt get anything from it. If you are concerned in ANY WAY for the health and well being of your husband, you will stop all contact with this other man. If you so much as become more involved, it will RUIN your husband. You will single handedly destroy him. Is that what you want to do? If you are not happy, get a divorce then after it is finalized go out and talk with and bang anyone you want. Until then, you should work on your marriage and not talk with other strange men, ESPECIALLY GUYS YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 dannydrifter, well sorry! I could have left that part out. But I wanted to be honest so i got realistic opinions/suggestions. And I have pulled nothing out of my hat! But thanks anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 If you are concerned in ANY WAY for the health and well being of your husband, you will stop all contact with this other man. If you so much as become more involved, it will RUIN your husband. You will single handedly destroy him. Is that what you want to do? If you are not happy, get a divorce then after it is finalized go out and talk with and bang anyone you want. Until then, you should work on your marriage and not talk with other strange men, ESPECIALLY GUYS YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH! I just read this post. I do agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Carhill, thanks for your response. I will read that other thread. We did go to MC. I pretty much made him go with me. And he thought it was no help at all. We went for about 5 months 2xs a month. He thought it was a joke, and didnt get anything from it. What did you get from it? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 You are losing feelings for your H because you are cheating on him. You are having an EA and investing yourself in someone else. People tend to rewrite history when they are looking for a reason to cheat and leave. The only way MC is going to work is if both parties are honest. You can not build on your relationship by lying about whats going on with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 What did you get from it? It honestly got me mad going. He was very arrogant and acting like everything was everyone elses fault and nothing was his. And he was resentful that I was "making" him go. So I cant say it helped my feelings any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylala Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 I have decided to have NC with my ex. Then I will see what happens with my marriage. I do want to say that I really did feel this way about my H before the ex was in the pic. Its been years. I havent rewrote history. I really wanted it to work, and I am just starting to lose hope. Are friends, my family, have always wondered why I let him treat me the way he does.They thought (besides my parents) that I was just happy with it, because Im usually just a happy person. I want everyone to think Im happy and everything in my life is just great. Thanks again for your advice. I needed it! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Yep, your loved likely has died. If it was really there in the beginning, the M is recoverable, but it sounds like your H isn't willing to work on it with you. We each carry our own burdens. One last bit of advice. This person from your past may be a reminder of better times and more positive feelings, and I would suggest seeing him as a signpost of such. If you think there is compatibility, keep your distance until you've worked your own feelings out and gotten healthy on your own. It's really hard to do, but I think you'll be thankful you did. You're still very young, though it might not feel that way right now. Hug the kids Link to post Share on other sites
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