:husband vs. the one i cheated with

[themandme]

Still living in the same house? The couselling here is quite limited

Any other couselling would require relocating.

[bentnotbroken]

How badly do you want it? If you want it badly enough you will find a way. Go to your local social service dept or to a church. Some churches provide counseling or even help with payment.

[norajane]

At least try marriagebuilders.com. There are a lot of articles there that can help, including step by step plans for recovering after an affair.

[bentnotbroken]

At least try marriagebuilders.com. There are a lot of articles there that can help, including step by step plans for recovering after an affair.

 

 

That's a great idea. But she needs to build herself first, or she is going to end up in the same situation down the road. Maybe marriagebuilders can direct her to something to help her figure things out.

[pelicanpreacher]

Pelicanpreacher,

Yes I would let my son and my husband maitain a relationship, afterall that's the only father my son knows.

 

Can i ask why you feel this? ( I probalby know parts of your answer, but I do enjoy reading your comments)

 

And most of what you say is not that far off.

I know my husband loves me also. Why else would he want to makes it works with someone who has repeatedly hurt him. And yes, I do love him too, but it seems to not be enough or the same kinda of love, because I know I am not happy. I have been staying with him all this time (i think) trying to convince myself I am happy.

And I didnt realize this until the other man came along, cause now I think, if i was happy i wouldnt have even considered it. I woulda told him he was crazy and he should get help, but i didnt. I considered it, and happy people dont that.

 

Something is definately amiss with you for repeatedly having flings smacks either of a deep resentment for your husband or something intrinsically wrong with your psyche for you keep searching in a self-destructive quest to secure love and security in unavailable and unworthy men. You definately were traumatically scarred in your childhood by the abandonment of your father and I believe this has manifested itself in your adult relationships by causing you to find dissatisfaction with anyone who hasn't abandoned you in favor of the twisted allure posed by immature men who will either have little affinity for you, treat you like garbage, or outright dump you in the end because they offer the challenge to possibly conquer them and defeat the feelings you still harbor over your father's abandonment of you during childhood as an ongoing goal to pursue. If you do not address this cycle of self-destructive behavior with serious therapy you'll lose a good man and end up alone because I fear your husband is quickly coming to the end of his tether with your confused behavior. Though you know all this you've persistently chosen to pursue your own agenda to the detriment of your marriage which is why I believe divorce will be the inevitable conclusion to this melodrama as I've stipulated before.

[Owl]

Well, kudos to your H for trying to forgive all that you've done, and still being willing to work on it after all of this.

 

But...

 

Frankly, I don't see any basis for a marriage here.

 

You don't love him. You've never been faithful to him. You've never been committed to him.

 

He's apparently cheated on you as well, but that doesn't seem to matter to you in any fashion.

 

Rather than drag this whole thing out, I think the two of you should file for divorce, with joint custody (even if your son isn't your H's, biologically speaking, he's still your H's "emotionally"). (This also begs the question...how do you know for sure that he's not your H's? Was a paternity test done?).

 

Sure, your H doesn't want to divorce. And yes, he'll be hurt. But given what you've described, it sounds to me like the both of you would be better off.

 

Get the divorce done...learn to live on your own. Work out a good joint parenting plan with your son.

 

THEN see where any other opportunities to be with someone else might be.

[Dexter Morgan]

Im still scared of being alone

 

See, and this is just it. You are scared of being alone. You won't do the right thing by your husband because you are only thinking of yourself.

 

 

So anyway, based on what my husband knows he still wants to work it out.

 

 

The poor guy doesn't know he is fighting a losing battle for someone that wants other men. Its best to make that decision for him and leave.

 

but you don't want to be alone, so he will have to simply be content with unknowingly being played for a fool since you can't tell him the complete truth.

 

 

So are my thoughts. I know either way, I have to tell him of my communications with the other man.

 

If I stay, It will be a long, hard road with more tears, but we will get help to try and figure out things. who we are, how to make this marriage work, my son won't lose his father.

 

Your son won't lose his father anyway unless you are vindictive and keep him from his father.

 

You really think that you can stay in the marriage with your husband without wanting to be with other men? I highly doubt it given your story.

 

 

If I dont stay, It will be a long hard road with tears by myself.

 

You being alone isn't your husband's problem. What you are doing to him and will keep doing to him is, whether he knows it or not.

 

I have to ask again, do you really think you can go on with a marriage with your husband and not want other men?

[Dexter Morgan]

If you care for your husband and child, leave them.

 

I agree...

[Dexter Morgan]

I ask him all the time,why he still wants me around after all that I have done, and he says he does not want to lose his family.

 

boy does my heart go out to this guy

[KismetGirl]

This story is nine years in the making. I married my husband young cause I thought that he was the only one i was going to find. About a year after I married, I met a married man, and we instantly clicked. It was what i was always looking for, we had long inimate talks, great sex, i truely believed he was my soulmate. The affair was already going on for a year and then i became pregnant in March. He was still with is his wife and i was still with my husband, but we (my husband and i) had already planned that i would be leaving at the end of June before i found out i was pregnant.

Summer- mm and me were together for the month of July

August - he left to take his son back to his wife and stayed there, i had no contact with him and clueless as to what he was doing or thinking

Sept - he came back and said he wanted to be with me

October - he started another relationship with another woman

We didnt live in the same town, he lived four hours away from me. He would come and see me

Dec- my son was born.

Jan - I found out about the other woman he was seeing and he picked her over me. I was completely devasted. Heartbroken.

 

Wounded and Heartbroken I went back to my husband, with the child of another man. I told him I was sorry and eventually he took me back with my son. They love each other so much, but me I have always tried to be happy with my husband. Figured it was karma that I couldnt love my husband the way I did the other man, so I still thought of the love I had with the father of my son. Tried to push it out of my mind, but i think i just shoved it on a back shelf if that is even a good metephor. I am so grateful to my husband and the life we have built is good, really good, but I dont think I ever let go of my son's biological father. The love i felt with him feels more deeper then the love i have ever felt with my own husband. And believe me I prayed to find that same kind of love with my husband.

 

So no I have been with my husband for four years, the father of my son is back. I was the one who first initiated contact, just to let him know that his son was aware that he has another father. And the relationship has been growing from there. At first it was just friendly exchanges, then some reminicising, and then admitting we missed each other.

 

Now he says he is ready to give himself completely to me and that he has always loved me, and that he ran away from me because i was getting to close to his heart. I scared him.

 

Reading over what I wrote, seems like it should be a no brainer, but I still love him. I know there is no guarantee that he will stay, but i almost seems worth trying for.

 

the flipside, i think of my husband, this would destroy him, my son would be confused. My family and friends would be so hurt.

 

Please let know your thoughts.

 

Tough situation , but....from what little you've shared Im not sure this other man (the bio dad) is a good bet. He got scared because you "got close to his heart"??? seems to me he is emotionally retarded. Do you have any real reason to think he would have changed so greatly after this time that he wouldn't just freak out again and ditch you? Do you really want to be "second pick"? After all, he picked some other woman over both you AND his wife. Maybe that other woman dumped him and so now he's lonely and is going back to someone who he knows still cares for him. Or maybe that other woman "got close to his heart" and he's basically just jumping around from one woman to another, leaving whenever he gets "freaked out'"?

 

Look, no one should stay with someone in a relationship just because its convenient. It sounds like your husband is a really good man, first to take you back after you cheat on him, and then raising another man's son as if he was his own....there aren't alot of men out there that would do that. If you want to leave your husband, don't do it and place all your happiness on the other guy, because I have a feeling you'll be risking it all and possibly at the end be left alone, with neither him nor your husband. If you're going to leave your husband, do it beause you're really unhappy in your marriage and you've exhausted all other options (eg- mariage counseling, talking to your husband about what's "missing" , etc) and making a real effort in your marriage. You seem like you've got a good thing going. No one says you have to stay married out of obligation, but make sure youre not making rash decisions just because this other guy still makes your heart flutter.

 

You really need to think how miserable you feel in your marriage. Is it so unbearable that you're willing to risk your family for a chance on a man that has proven more than once that he is quite emotionally immature?

[wildflowerchild98]

Wow it sounds like people have been alittle harsh to you but they are giving you honest feedback It sounds like you want to have your husband and this other man due to not wanting to be alone and maybe that scares you and has to do with unresolved issues (father not being in the picture for you maybe?) but you need to choose you can't it both ways because people will be hurt even more including yourself. You want to love of the other man and the security and stability of your husband someone safe for you in case anything were to go wrong with this other man. You settled for your husband cuz you felt you could do no better How fair is that to your husband It seems like it was based all on a lie I wish I knew the answers to help you but I think you taking time away from both of them so as to be objective to your situation you need to also think of your son who is the innocent one in all of this! good luck!!!

[pelicanpreacher]

Your time is winding down. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.....

[Wicked Smile]

This story is nine years in the making. I married my husband young cause I thought that he was the only one i was going to find. About a year after I married, I met a married man, and we instantly clicked. It was what i was always looking for, we had long inimate talks, great sex, i truely believed he was my soulmate. The affair was already going on for a year and then i became pregnant in March. He was still with is his wife and i was still with my husband, but we (my husband and i) had already planned that i would be leaving at the end of June before i found out i was pregnant.

Summer- mm and me were together for the month of July

August - he left to take his son back to his wife and stayed there, i had no contact with him and clueless as to what he was doing or thinking

Sept - he came back and said he wanted to be with me

October - he started another relationship with another woman

We didnt live in the same town, he lived four hours away from me. He would come and see me

Dec- my son was born.

Jan - I found out about the other woman he was seeing and he picked her over me. I was completely devasted. Heartbroken.

 

Wounded and Heartbroken I went back to my husband, with the child of another man. I told him I was sorry and eventually he took me back with my son. They love each other so much, but me I have always tried to be happy with my husband. Figured it was karma that I couldnt love my husband the way I did the other man, so I still thought of the love I had with the father of my son. Tried to push it out of my mind, but i think i just shoved it on a back shelf if that is even a good metephor. I am so grateful to my husband and the life we have built is good, really good, but I dont think I ever let go of my son's biological father. The love i felt with him feels more deeper then the love i have ever felt with my own husband. And believe me I prayed to find that same kind of love with my husband.

 

So no I have been with my husband for four years, the father of my son is back. I was the one who first initiated contact, just to let him know that his son was aware that he has another father. And the relationship has been growing from there. At first it was just friendly exchanges, then some reminicising, and then admitting we missed each other.

 

Now he says he is ready to give himself completely to me and that he has always loved me, and that he ran away from me because i was getting to close to his heart. I scared him.

 

Reading over what I wrote, seems like it should be a no brainer, but I still love him. I know there is no guarantee that he will stay, but i almost seems worth trying for.

 

the flipside, i think of my husband, this would destroy him, my son would be confused. My family and friends would be so hurt.

 

Please let know your thoughts.

 

Well I am new to these boards. I am in my 30's and have been married for 6 years. Plus the 2 years we dated. And I have to say after reading this I was floored. I have this feeling the card you are holding that justifies this whole thing is labled "love", am I right? The fact that this outsider is somehow your soulmate. I find that hard to believe. I have a feeling the thing that thrills you is how wrong this whole thing is. If your husband in the beginning would have cut you loose, took the house and said your his problem now. Now it's a not a choice for you, you have to be with him. Now you have to justify breaking a marriage, a friendship and a family and the only way to justify that would be if you stayed with him. When that choice was no longer a choice...the FUN and LOVE would fade away fast. The reality of what you did would sink in. Eventually you would have to look yourself in the mirror and face the facts. In that lonely moment, where lying is no longer an option, what would you see?

 

You really don't deserve your husband. Grow a backbone and cut him loose. You already wrecked that relationship. Go to this other guy and take that baggage with you to him. Maybe it will work out great for you. Or maybe KARMA will step in and your husband will find a nice woman, young & hot and have amazing sex. You just don't know. So hurry up and jump ship like you want to. No justification needed. Just don't destroy a good man as you leap away.