abusive boyfriend

[cc123]

hey everyone, im new here and i need some help.

 

I am 18, almost 19. I met a guy my freshman year of highschool and he liked me. we went on a date once but nothing came of it and the next year he went away to military school. when he came back junior year it was obvious he liked me, he would wait for me by my classes, give me hugs etc. he asked me out 2 months into the school year and things got really serious really fast. his brother told me that while he was at military school the year before that he would call and tell his brother about me and that when he came home he was going to date me and make me fall in love with him even if i had a bf at the time.

 

i thought that was so cute and i also heard that the first day of school freshman year (we had 1st period together) i came in late and when i walked in he supposedly told the guy sitting next to him that whoever gets to marry me is the luckiest guy in the world. again i thought this was so cute.

 

im not the hottest girl out there and i know there were girls at school who were definitely more attractive then me but he told me even though there are other pretty girls that when he saw me he thought i was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. now im sure you are all thinking awwww cute, thats what i thought too.

 

we have been together a little over two years now and it has been a roller coaster ride.

the first few months were a dream come true, he never tried anything sexual besides kissing until over a month which to me was so odd because i knew he had slept with other girls while drunk and had one night stands etc but he never tried anything.

he took me hot air ballooning for my birthday 3 months into the relationship and thats when he said he loved me.

 

now i have to say that i was SO happy because there were sooooooo many girls at school who wanted him and he has a reputation of never dating anyone for over a week and being so "bad ass" and "the best fighter in the school", all the guys are afraid of him, he is tall and attractive and went to military school and has muscles and all those other hot bad boy traits, so i thought i was so lucky that he loved me over all the other very sluty and hot girls who threw themselves at him.

 

early on i noticed he had a temper but he showed me a side to him no one else saw. a nice, caring, sensitive side. he would get mad over the STUPIDEST things and he would act completely irrational. he always would apologize and call me and blah blah blah.

he moved out of his house 5 months into our relationship and has been living alone ever since, thats were things got serious.

 

i had stuff there, i spent the night and he became so jealous of any guy i would talk to and he didn't like the guys i worked with. he would call me a slut for hooking up with guys on the first date in the past even though he was king of one night stands, and i was still a virgin so he was being very hypocritical.

 

i have devoted my life to him and now have no friends or job, i have never lied to him or cheated or been mean. he has a serious anger problem and when he gets angry he doesnt even remember what he said. he has hit me, pulled me by my hair, pushed me, broken all our glass picture frames, ripped up pictures, crushed his promise ring we had, and he cusses and yells at me and talks to me like i am a worthless piece of ****. and truly it will be over nothing.

 

he looks like a fool for getting SO made over something SO small.

 

for example last night he called and said he was on his way home from work and for me to come over. i get there 5 minutes later and he is showered and dressed and so i say, you said u just got out of work, did you go out? and omg he started screaming at the top of his lungs saying he is so sick of me asking were he goes and im like, omg relax im just asking..i dont care if you did go out just dont lie about it. this turned into a huge fight and he was flipping out over nothing. he ended up hitting me..again. so im sitting there and he comes up and holds me and kisses me over and over and over and says he is soo sorry for be an ******* and he loves me and im his princess.

 

so im like ok, well now will you just tell me where you went and he said that he didnt go out that he just showered and changed before i got there...i didnt believe him because he has lied to me so many times before.

 

then the next morning he says he went to a friends and i ask him why didnt he tell me that when i asked him twice, and he sayed he did. now im not crazy and i know he didnt say that but he is convinced that somtime that night he told me. he always lies about where he goes and who is there and stupid things. he makes so many promises and then breaks them the same day.

 

i think he is insane but when he is nice he is so nice and i care for him so much. i gave up everything for him. now, i know i should have ran away the first time this happened but i have been letting it happen for so long. i dont know what to do. he knows what he does is wrong but he cant stop. he was beaten by his dad as a kid and i dont know if thats causing this.

 

he abuses me verbally and physically and is very irrational and mean to alot of people. im so scared to be without him and i feel sick at the thought of him hooking up with another girl. i know i deserve better but i want to help him... he needs help but he wont get it. someone please give me some advice

[You'reasian]

You need distance. He should not be hitting you, especially given the circumstances. If he hits you again, tell him that you are going to leave and will not come back unless he promises not to do that again and if he does, you might have to get some kind of legal protection - such as a restraining order. Now about the relationship: seems like you to are trying to make it work - suggest that the two of you go get relationship counselling. It sounds like you really love each other. If that's the case, the two of you can tough it out and make it work. If it doesn't work, then you need to make a decision to end the relationship and not allow it to damage you.

[quankanne]

you. can't. save. him. period.

 

it's not your place to do that, he's got to want it, really want it for his own self. In the meantime, you're going to remain his personal punching bag, which I'm sure you're aware of. Being afraid of being along or that he's with someone else isn't a good enough reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

I know it's hard to "give up" on someone you care about. In this instance, though, it's literally a matter of life and death, and you need to seriously think about it in those terms. Otherwise, one of your loved ones is going to have to pick out your coffin and handle your funeral arrangements because his "hitting" went a bit too far.

 

GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!

[Green]

If you have a father or big brother or uncle or something you could talk to about this maybe they could help. Its really going to suck to leave this guy but you'll be better for it.

[Geishawhelk]

Please, please remove yourself from this man as soon as you ever can.

he is dangerous, caught in a violent spiral and will demoralise and destroy you completely. he will eradicate your self-worth and self-esteem, and trick you into believing two things: you will never have anyone else, and you'll never find anyone better than him.

 

HE IS FUNDAMENTALLY AND COMPLETELY WRONG ON ALL COUNTS.

 

Violence - and subsequent apology - is the sign of a seriously deranged behaviour. He is classically violent, and his childhood may well be a high influence, but it doesn't have to be. I had a neighbour who was sexually abused by their father, but never laid a finger on the children. So his behaviour is a choice.

 

He will never see this, unless he faces it and recognises it for himself. He has to acknowledge his behaviour and violence, and voluntarily do something about it.

 

You must get out, you must, absolutely.

By all means tell as many people close to you as you can.

He will deny this, and tell them you're lying, and making it all up. he will protest and tell them how much he loves you, and that he doesn't understand why you're being like this.

He will try every trick in the book to get you back. he will plead, cry, cajole, entreat, beg and pester you to stay with him. he will make you think he needs you, and can;'t live without you.

 

This is utter total crap. he needs someone less powerful than he is on which to exert his power and authority. He nees a weak person, and wants to make you weaker. He will plead to your gentle, giving feminine side to trick you into giving him one more chance.

And then one more.

And then one more.... until he will quite literally beat you into submission.

 

Please listen to me.

 

Go, and go now.

leave all your stuff.

Stuff is replaceable.

Broken bones take longer.

[Lishy]

You need to leave him and never look back

 

I have a feeling he could make this hard for you so you need to be strong and get the hell out

 

This will just get worse and worse - I know it!

[Taramere]

i think he is insane but when he is nice he is so nice and i care for him so much.

 

And other times he's beating the crap out of you, calling you names, leaving you trying to figure out whether you did something to deserve to get slapped around. Generally leaving you feeling completely ****. And at risk, both psychologically and physically.

 

He does need help in learning to manage his temper, but he won't get it. That's how much he loves you, cc. That's how sorry he is for hitting you. He'd rather slap you around and place you at risk than go to see someone, make this admission that he's out of control and take serious steps to do something about it. Nice at times? That's big of him. Nice is the bait to encourage you to keep tolerating the switch.

 

You wondered why he picked you over the hotter girls. Well, there could be all sorts of reasons and I'm sure many of those reasons reflect very well on you as a person and as a woman. One of the less savoury reasons is very likely that he identified you as someone who didn't have much self esteem. Who would therefore put up with some things that would have led to a more confident woman saying "I'm done with this" after the first slap.

 

Having self esteem so low that you think it's acceptable for someone to knock you around is only attractive and womanly in the eyes of an abuser or to well-meaning but idiotic white knights. Stick around on this board and I'm afraid you'll see quite a few members of the latter category. Do a search on "bad boys" and you can see the ruminations of disgruntled white knights contemplating whether they should dabble in a bit of psychologically abusive behaviour in order to be more attractive to women.

 

They're stuck in eternal black/white, victim/persecution/rescuing drama - as are you. Please, please get some therapeutic help in building up your confidence and self esteem so that you can start extricating yourself from this messy and dangerous situation.

 

i know i deserve better but i want to help him... he needs help but he wont get it. someone please give me some advice

 

You want to fix him, but right now you can't even fix yourself sufficiently to pull the shutters down on someone who's abusing you. I understand that it's hard, and that it would take tremendous strength of character and courage on your part to do that. If you don't have the strength and courage then, sadly, so be it - but realise that you not having that strength and courage means that you are not strong and sorted enough a person to even think about helping this screwed up, violent person.

 

For you, the first step to becoming a stronger, more courageous person would involve seeking professional advice that will help you to identify why you're staying in this situation. What changes you could start making to your thinking that would help you to become a happier person; one who is aware enough of what she needs and deserves out of life to make the break from this risky situation. Lots and lots of perfectly sane people seek out counselling in order to make their lives better. It doesn't mean you're failing at life; it means you've taken the first step towards succeeding.

 

Back to you wanting to help your guy; someone you're romantically entangled with is not someone you are ever going to have the objectivity and distance to help in a meaningful way. Not in this context.

[jasminetea]

Everything that Taramere has said.

 

Never mind about helping him, by staying with him all you're doing is teaching him his behaviour is acceptable.

 

CC123 do some work on yourself, find out why you're prepared to put up with abuse and learn how to appreciate yourself and how to give yourself what you really deserve.

[Lishy]

You will not get any better advice then what Taramere has said to you - I second her on every point

 

I would also like to add that yes, he is broken and you will NEVER fix him!! Men like him prey on insecure girls and the fact that you felt at the start that you could not see why he chose you shows me that you do not think highly of yourself.

 

You thought you had won the prize, and you did, only it was the booby prize and this man will never change, only get worse (I am talking from experience)

 

Honey, please just get out

 

please

[Green]

I think my advice was the best... Tell your Father, big brother or uncle

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, fight violence with violence. Always a good idea.

 

You're the one who's always getting into stupid fights aren't you?

If that's your answer to every moment of conflict, then, no, your advice was most certainly not the best.

 

The best advice is to get out and to avoid the confrontation.

You might be able to kick @$$, and at a push, maybe her male relatives can too. But first of all, she's a weaker person than he is, and such tactics would not guarantee he would stop hitting her.

Secondly, violence solves nothing. It enflames things.

Chances are having been in the military, he's perfectly capaable of defending himself, and they'd probably come off worse.

 

Sheesh!

[Green]

Yes, fight violence with violence. Always a good idea.

 

You're the one who's always getting into stupid fights aren't you?

If that's your answer to every moment of conflict, then, no, your advice was most certainly not the best.

 

The best advice is to get out and to avoid the confrontation.

You might be able to kick @$$, and at a push, maybe her male relatives can too. But first of all, she's a weaker person than he is, and such tactics would not guarantee he would stop hitting her.

Secondly, violence solves nothing. It enflames things.

Chances are having been in the military, he's perfectly capaable of defending himself, and they'd probably come off worse.

 

Sheesh!

 

Did I say anything about violence, some times its good for a girl to talk to a guy in her family about something like this. I mean theres a chance she hasn't told her father or what ever and I just think she should... you need to open you mind and stop your closed thinking Geisha

[Geishawhelk]

Your implication was that to tell a male family member would be to afford her a form of physical protection. if you were really implying what you have now just said you were implying, you would have mentioned a mother, aunt or sister.

Don't be dishonest. By your own admission you're not a stranger to physical fighting, which I have already openly stated is stupid and for jerks.

That's what her BF is.

Don't hide behind pseudo-wisdom.

[cc123]

Thank you everyone very much for the advice.

 

he did know i was insecure before he asked me out. i was bulimic all of highschool and he knew that from day 1. he always says it pisses him off that i am so insecure but alot of it is because of him, which he says is bs because i was insecure before him

 

..awhile ago he sayed he wanted to take a break so he could get help and maybe get on some medicine but of coure that never happened and when we were on a break he would call me everynight and tell me to come over. now if i ever ask him to get help for anger he gets mad and says its never going to happen so i should just drop it.

 

he is soooo afraid to look weak to anyone, i think he is scared to tell someone he needs help. he has said it to me a few times and i have seen him be weak but he hs this front up all the time and wont ever say how he feels or admit he needs help. i know he is a good guy on the inside and that he cares but he has so many issues. i think he is bi-polar or something becasuse he can go from yelling and screaming and cussing to literally one minute later acting completely normal and nice like nothing even happened.

 

im so scared because i feel like without him i have no life. im not in school and i dont have a job and i lost all my friends.

 

i have every reason in the world not to trust him and when i say i dont trust him he will get all mad and say why not and that he hasn't lied in so long (even though it was like a week ago) and i just cant take it anymore.

 

i had my life planned out with him and i am going to miss being at his house and seeing our cat and i think i just wanted to find stability so badly that i just stay with him even though im not happy.

 

he has been my whole life for so long and i dont know how to start over and make a life for myself.

 

i cant even count all the lies he told me and all the promises he has broken..i just want him to go back to how he was when we first met.

 

i dont want to start over and try and meet someone else, im afraid i will never love anyone else like i love him

 

..and he sends me mixed signals all the time. he will yell and scream at me and say we are over and then one minute later kiss me and act all normal and make plans for the night with me or something.

 

i dont know how to be my own person anymore. i dont know how to be happy without him. i think i am just obsessed with the idea of him and us and our life but i need to accept that what i want out of this is not what i am going to get.

[quankanne]

what you're describing is psychological abuse, CC – the yelling and screaming is meant to make you feel like shxt about yourself, then the lovey-dovey-ness is a way of him saying "see, *I* love you, even if you're not worthy of love."

 

as for him being afraid to seek help? It's possible, but I don't think it's probable – why should he want to "improve" if he's got a willing victim to abuse? Because that's what you are – a victim willing to put up with abuse for whatever reasons.

 

at some point, you're going to realize that you deserve – and will find – better than what he can give. Until then, you'll be stuck in the same old rut, putting up with the same crappy treatment. You CAN move on, if you just grab on to whatever sliver of hope you have that helps you to see there's something more out there than an abusive partner.

[quankanne]

is what psychological abuse is called. Check out the link:

 

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/verbal-abuse-violence?click=main_sr

[Taramere]

i think he is bi-polar or something becasuse he can go from yelling and screaming and cussing to literally one minute later acting completely normal and nice like nothing even happened.

 

That's pretty scary. It sounds as though he does need some kind of help, but it also sounds as though you telling him that, or you referring him for help, would be an action that could well place you at risk. Does he have any family members that you trust enough to quietly discuss his behaviour with?

 

You can't diagnose him, of course. If he does have a mental health problem then that spells irrational and unpredictable behaviour that no amount of careful handling, eggshell stepping or violence management skills can guarantee you protection from. In other words, there would be nothing you could do to stop him from abusing you. Maybe nothing he could do either, short of taking appropriate medication....and even then, empathic as one might be towards people with psychiatric disorders, is that really a situation you need to be saddled with long term? Especially at your age.

 

So right now you don't have friends, a career or professional qualifications. You're 18 years old. You have lots and lots of time to work on all those areas of your life. How many 18 year olds are, let's face it, sorted in those areas? Most of my closest friends are people I met after the age of 18. I didn't start studying seriously for a profession until after the age of 18. I could barely say boo to a goose at the age of 18. God knows, plenty of other people are in the same position.

 

You can do it. This boyfriend of yours sounds like an unfortunate case - but don't let his problems make an unfortunate case of you. That doesn't need to be your life. Not at any age, but especially not at an age when you have your whole life ahead.

 

Best of luck, cc.

 

PS. If you can rescue the cat from his apartment, so much the better.

[amaysngrace]

Hey cc. I'm sorry you're going through this. You should google cycle of abuse. There is a definite pattern of being in a domestic violent relationship.

 

Sometimes the first thing you need to do is recognize there's a problem and you seem to so that's a very good beginning.

[Geishawhelk]

he always says it pisses him off that i am so insecure but alot of it is because of him, which he says is bs because i was insecure before him

 

Told you. he's keeping you weak.

 

i know he is a good guy on the inside and that he cares but he has so many issues. i think he is bi-polar or something becasuse he can go from yelling and screaming and cussing to literally one minute later acting completely normal and nice like nothing even happened.

This is all very well, but don't go making excuses for him. If he knows he needs help, but won't get it, then no matter what the problem is, it's his fault, and he has no excuse.

 

im so scared because i feel like without him i have no life. im not in school and i dont have a job and i lost all my friends.

 

Classic breaking down of self-esteem.

break away from this, be strong and you'll see. It will all come back.

Actually, I have an idea.

Why don't you consider training as a counsellor or helper at a counselling association? With first-hand knowledge of such things, don't you see how good at it you would be?

 

i have every reason in the world not to trust him and when i say i dont trust him he will get all mad and say why not and that he hasn't lied in so long (even though it was like a week ago) and i just cant take it anymore.

It's time to stop talking, and let your feet do the walking. If you know talking about such things is risky, don't do it.

leave.

 

i had my life planned out with him and i am going to miss being at his house and seeing our cat and i think i just wanted to find stability so badly that i just stay with him even though im not happy.

 

Bad reason, huh.....?

 

he has been my whole life for so long and i dont know how to start over and make a life for myself.

Yes you do. You've made it this far. Don't let this defeat you. The potential you have is extraordinary. Way to go, get up and get it!!

 

i cant even count all the lies he told me and all the promises he has broken..i just want him to go back to how he was when we first met.

 

You know that will never happen. Not unless he makes it happen.

And get this:

Whilst you're there succumbing to his every whim, and fulfilling his current wishes - he doesn't have to make the effort.

In a way, you're playing into his behaviour, because whilst he thinks he has you under his control, there's no need for him to change....he's got what he wanted. And whilst he still has it, you're sort of endorsing his pattern.... Do you see what I mean?

 

i dont want to start over and try and meet someone else, im afraid i will never love anyone else like i love him

Stop that right there. Do you want to love someone with fear in your heart?

Do you want to love someone with unpredictability and hesitation?

Do you want to love some one with hesitation and trepidation?

Do you want to love someone with uncertainty and anxiety?

 

Is this the kind of Love you think you'll never find again?

I HOPE YOU NEVER DO, THEN!!

 

..and he sends me mixed signals all the time. he will yell and scream at me and say we are over and then one minute later kiss me and act all normal and make plans for the night with me or something.

Great! keeping you on your toes whilst you walk on egshells. Controlling your responses through fear, and his unpredictability.

See what I mean about the kind of love this is?

 

i dont know how to be my own person anymore. i dont know how to be happy without him. i think i am just obsessed with the idea of him and us and our life but i need to accept that what i want out of this is not what i am going to get.

 

That's the first sensible thing you've said in this whole post!

It took you a minute, but you got there!!

[Green]

Your implication was that to tell a male family member would be to afford her a form of physical protection. if you were really implying what you have now just said you were implying, you would have mentioned a mother, aunt or sister.

Don't be dishonest. By your own admission you're not a stranger to physical fighting, which I have already openly stated is stupid and for jerks.

That's what her BF is.

Don't hide behind pseudo-wisdom.

 

Why don't you grow up and counter the things I say instead of attacking me on a personal level in every thread. She obviously feels all alone in this and suposedly girls in her situation have families that are completly in the dark about their situation even after years of the daughter being with the abuser. I think I've given the most practical advice so don't go misquoting my possitions and dreging up crap to entertain yourself when this person just needs some practical advice. I seriously doubt you will be able to break up with this guy on your own at this point especialy the way you are feeling and their is no shame in going to your father or mother or who ever about this and getting help leaving this relationship ASAP. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Also be sure you erase your internet history cause if he finds that your on here talking about this he may break down and either beg for you to stay or something else

[Green]

I also found this: Teens anywhere in the country can call toll free, 866-331-9474 or log on to the interactive Web site, loveisrespect.org, and receive immediate, confidential assistance. In addition to a toll-free phone line, loveisrepect.org will be the first interactive dating abuse website, staffed by trained advocates, where teens can write and immediately get assistance in a one-on-one private chat room.

[ahsumgurl909]

I have many posts on here that you can reflect on. Many folks in here know me. And I am in your shoes as we speak and have been in every single relationship I have ever had. Once i had one I got out of, another one would come along and be the same way. I found myself lost if a man wasn't abusive and I am now 45. I have to be the most unhappy women on earth because of my own choices.

 

If when I was your age I had refused to allow a man to disrespect me then I may have some for myself, but I don't. And there is nobody to blame but me. People can only do what you allow them to do. And I see that now. But it took me to long. Now I'm really messed up emotionally, mentally. I can't blame the men I was with, because I had a choice to get out and refused to be treated that way. Once a man disrespects you, he will never ever stop, the longer you allow him to the worst it will get. And this guy is no acceptance. There are so many guys out there that will treat you better.

 

Who wants a guy that everybody wants anyway? They have an ego that is so over blown that they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. Please get away from him he will either learn his lessen (which I doubt) or move on to someone else and do the same thing. You are not a piece of sh-t. You are a beautiful woman that deserves to be treated like a queen. Go to your Bible and read about what love is and you will see that what you are feeling it is not real true love. Good luck and keep us posted.

[jasminetea]

CC123, the first thing you need to do is talk to your family and/or friends about this situation. Tell someone and then ask them to help you move out. It doesn't have to be difficult to create a happy life.

[ahsumgurl909]

I want to thank you for your post because it made me see myself and what I was doing. It wasn't that long ago when I read it but I have made some changes. I told mister abuser to take a hike. He has been freaking out blowing up my phone etc. I don't answer his calls. I was pressing ignore but then he would leave a message and I would listen to it. And the horrible things he said shook me to the core. I sat there thinking of you at such a young age. And how easily you were willing to except this same behavior from your BF. And i knew what your going to go through before it even happens. If your post didn't help you it helped me. I seen myself in your post almost to the T. and a light went off in my head. Thank you so much and please let me know how you are doing. Thanks

[cc123]

hey everyone, thanks again for all the replies. Im glad my post could help someone Things have been a little better, he told me that he wishes he had a different dad because he hates the fact that he is just like his dad (his dad has a major temper and anger problem as well) so i guess it is good he acknowledge that he does have a problem. I just dont know what to do. I feel bad for him that he cant control his anger and I know he doesn't mean what he says. He has said some really horrible things to his mom when he was mad and i know he loves her more then anything and i know he felt horrible for saying what he did. I think he needs to learn to express his emotions in other ways besides getting mad over things. he doesn't know how to say how he feels or what he wants he is very emotionally unavailable to everyone and seems very cold but there are times where he has shown that he does have a heart. I think if I leave him he would get back into some really bad behavior like he used to do when he was younger. I know if I left he would probably drink ALOT and drive and do drugs and possibly get arrested for fighting or something like that. I am always the one to calm him down and say no you cant do that or act like that because you can get in trouble. he pretends like he doesn't listen but he does because he wont do something if i tell him what could happen. he acts on impulse without thinking of the consequences or how it will effect other people. he thinks about that after but not before he acts. today i told him i was sad that he never instigates sex with me and never kisses me and when i try he says not tonight or he is tired and he flipped out and got all mad saying ok fine then we are over. and im like baby, you want to break up because im telling you that im not happy with are sex life? he doesn't know how to talk things out. his answer is always ok we are done then. i think he was hurt because he is supposed to be the man and i think it offended him knowing that i wasn't happy with what he was doing (or not doing). he does work like a dog so i can see that he is tired but sometimes i just wish he would kiss me like when we first started dating and we would just kiss for hours. he needs to learn to express his feelings and open up to people. i dont know why he is so afraid. he always wants to look like the tough guy who doesn't care about anything. sorry for blabbing on but i think he just needs profesional help, the problem is he doesnt want it and im pretty sure it is because he doesnt want to talk about his feelings or his dad or the past but thats the only way to get better is to understand why he is like this. he is so afraid to show any emotion other then anger or jokes. does anyone know how to convince him to get help ???