child abuse - can you recover & prevent passing it on

[openspaces]

I am new to this website but have seen some good posts about survivors of child abuse and I hope some who have posted before will reply.

I just want to know there is hope that I can recover from the child abuse that I suffered. Perhaps even some ideas of how to recover.

I didn't really realise that I was abused as a child because my parents kept me so isolated that I had no point of reference what was normal. It wasn't till I had my own child and suffered severe PND that I discovered what I was feeling was not average. I did get counselling at this time that saved my life but was unable to afford to pay for more to get to the root of my problemsI have recently moved country and the resulting normal stress of this has lead me to feel down again.

My parents main form of abuse was emotional and physiological but quite often it included physical abuse and to a certain extent neglect.

I know in moments of stress I pass on some of these things to my child and I HATE myself for it!!! I often wish I had never had a child, or that I could leave my child. As I am so not qualified to be a parent. I want my child to be happy and safe. have recently cut off contact with my parents to protect my child from their abuse. Last time they visited I could see they were doing the same to their grandchild as they did to me. I thought this would help me move on but its made things worse for me and I can't help thinking about what happened to me all the time.

 

I had to sleep in a room that had water running down the wall even tho I was an asthmatic. This wasn't because of poverty as they had it fixed just before I left home. It was just laziness. Yet my parents deny that my room was ever like that. I was always belittled for every attempt I made at anything and made to sit and redo homework at age five for hours on end. I didn't receive appropriate food when I was little either, I had no milk or milk products ( I thought yoghurt or milk was a treat), no fruit or vegetables. I used to sneak into the kitchen to binge on skimmed milk powder. This has lead to health problems which affects my adult life and makes me so angry.

I guess I just need to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for reading

[Green]

I think your life is what you make of it. If you are abusing your child you need to seek amediate help maybe give your baby up for adoption or something. are you a woman?

[openspaces]

Yes I am a woman and I have thought very seriously about adoption. But I am married and my husband thinks I am a good parent even tho I have told him everything.

[Green]

you sound like a good person, but depending on the kind of abuse you think your going to unleash upon your child adoption may be the best

[openspaces]

Thank you. Just not sure it is possible to put a child up for adoption without the other parents consent.

 

Also realised that this post may be better placed in abuse forum, sorry

[Green]

Don't worry about what forum it should be in. Tell me more about how you were abused? If it makes you feel any better it doesn't sound like your parents were woried about how they might treat you so atleast thats a big difference

[Lovelybird]

Hi openspaces

 

I've heard Joyce Meyer she had been sexually abused by her own father and physically by her own mother as a child, but now she has a happy family, an inspiring successful preacher, and raised up 3 healthy children. She had tough road, but with help of God she overcomed the issues in her heart. You may find inspiration from her books and speeches. and she spoke from her own experience. Most important she found God. here is her website, in this site e-store you maybe find some books you find interesting and helping. Things can be changed. I pray you discover new life in God soon.

 

http://www.joycemeyer.org/default.htm

 

and another book, very moving, "the shack", the author was also abused in his childhood, but finally in his word "became a free man"

 

Please take a look, you may be amazed

 

Sending love and hope to your way

[openspaces]

Don't worry about what forum it should be in. Tell me more about how you were abused? If it makes you feel any better it doesn't sound like your parents were woried about how they might treat you so atleast thats a big difference

 

Unfortunately it doesn't make me feel better that I am worried about how I treat my child. In a way its worse I know I am wrong but seem incapble of change.

 

The abuse I suffered was pretty wide ranging from being smacked repeatdly for waking my mum early to being told as a teen that I would never get an A for my exams. Even although my teacher was giving me A's they thought she was just an easy marker, they never belived I could do anything. Then my parents wondered why I wasn't as happy and surprised as they were when I got two A's in my final exams.

[openspaces]

Hi openspaces

 

I've heard Joyce Meyer she had been sexually abused by her own father and physically by her own mother as a child, but now she has a happy family, an inspiring successful preacher, and raised up 3 healthy children. She had tough road, but with help of God she overcomed the issues in her heart. You may find inspiration from her books and speeches. and she spoke from her own experience. Most important she found God. here is her website, in this site e-store you maybe find some books you find interesting and helping. Things can be changed. I pray you discover new life in God soon.

 

http://www.joycemeyer.org/default.htm

 

and another book, very moving, "the shack", the author was also abused in his childhood, but finally in his word "became a free man"

 

Please take a look, you may be amazed

 

Sending love and hope to your way

 

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and some very useful info that I will follow up.

[Geishawhelk]

Open, I think it's very courageous of you to step upto the plate and be so frank about your experiences....

 

Permit me, if I may to add a couple of points.

You don't say which county you have moved to, and there's no need to reveal this, if you don't want to, but if the health system, and language permits you to do so, I would re-investigate a form of therapy or counselling. I think you could do with some form of professional support.

 

Secondly, hard as it may seem, it may help you to sever contact with your parents COMPLETELY until such a time that you feel confident and comfortable enough to contact them again. Moving on with this will change your relationship with them. (You may already have decided to do this.....)

Our biological parents are our legal guardians, but there is nothing written anywhere that we have to love them, or that the relationship will be perfect.

I feel they were never equipped to be parents to you, and if only there was a vetting system to prevent such people from having families - ! But there aren't.

You need, through therapy, and over time, to release this conditioning they have over you, and 'divorce yourself' from being their child.

They will never apologise, or even admit to their neglect and cruelty, because they truly see no problem. This is a block on their part, not a fault on yours. Denial is they key word here.....

of course, they will always be your parents. but there is no need, or obligation on your part, to be their daughter.

 

Lastly - hard or ridiculous as it may be to point this out - everything you do with your child, is a choice. You know there may be a tendency for you to repeat some rtraits you might have learnt as a child, and you are emulating now. This is either due to conditioning, or genes.

Either way, you recognise it.

That's the first step in dealing with it.

You don't have to do it.

You choose what you do, because whatever we've learnt helps us make that choice.

 

I wish you all the very best, and hope you find resolution, and peace.

[quankanne]

open, my heart goes out to you for what you had to endure. But don't think that just because you share their blood that you're going to be the kind of parent you had – chances are, you're going to bend over backward to make sure you're not. And I think your husband giving you validation on the kind of good parent that you are should be taken to heart – after all, he's in the driver's seat with you, you know?

 

don't dwell on the negative, but look for examples of success stories. David Pelzer, who wrote "A child called 'It,'" wrote a very moving book about his personal horror story. What was so uplifting about it is that he chose to be a model of love, not madness, despite the trauma inflicted on him.

 

sometimes, all it takes is a simple decision to be what we want most that gets us on the journey to becoming that person. Think of the abuse as bumps or potholes in the road, rather than total roadblocks ... those things might slow you down a bit but they also help you rethink your strategy on how to get where you're going.

 

the fact that you are taking this thing seriously tells me that you ARE a good mama, because a less loving person would just sweep it under the rug.

 

do you have access to counseling? Would you consider going? It would be a good way to get the "roadmap" to guide you on your journey ...

 

hugs,

quank

[openspaces]

Open, I think it's very courageous of you to step upto the plate and be so frank about your experiences....

 

Permit me, if I may to add a couple of points.

You don't say which county you have moved to, and there's no need to reveal this, if you don't want to, but if the health system, and language permits you to do so, I would re-investigate a form of therapy or counselling. I think you could do with some form of professional support.

 

Secondly, hard as it may seem, it may help you to sever contact with your parents COMPLETELY until such a time that you feel confident and comfortable enough to contact them again. Moving on with this will change your relationship with them. (You may already have decided to do this.....)

Our biological parents are our legal guardians, but there is nothing written anywhere that we have to love them, or that the relationship will be perfect.

I feel they were never equipped to be parents to you, and if only there was a vetting system to prevent such people from having families - ! But there aren't.

You need, through therapy, and over time, to release this conditioning they have over you, and 'divorce yourself' from being their child.

They will never apologise, or even admit to their neglect and cruelty, because they truly see no problem. This is a block on their part, not a fault on yours. Denial is they key word here.....

of course, they will always be your parents. but there is no need, or obligation on your part, to be their daughter.

 

Lastly - hard or ridiculous as it may be to point this out - everything you do with your child, is a choice. You know there may be a tendency for you to repeat some rtraits you might have learnt as a child, and you are emulating now. This is either due to conditioning, or genes.

Either way, you recognise it.

That's the first step in dealing with it.

You don't have to do it.

You choose what you do, because whatever we've learnt helps us make that choice.

 

I wish you all the very best, and hope you find resolution, and peace.

 

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I am in North America, so lanuage is not a problem in terms of getting counselling. The two things that make it difficult is the cost and trying to get my little one looked after while i go to counselling ever week. I do agree that I need professional help, I just need to find the right type and person to counsel me. I am also worried about having to speak to it to family Doctor about it. I am worried they might thing that my child is in danger if I confess to being abused as a child. First time round I was diagnosed with PND so this wasn't a problem.

 

Thank you so much about writing about parents. It has helped me to see the decision to sever contact with my parents in a different light. They had refused to see that we had any difficulty in our realationship until I decided to not see them again. When confronted they tried every emotional blackmail to change my mind, which hurts and still hurts. The only answer I wanted was "We love you". But all they took away was that they thought I was ill.

Thank you for underlining that it is their denial and that isn't my fault.

 

I know that the choice is mine as to what to do differently with my child and I totally take seriously that choice. In the main I think I am making different choices but in times of stress I resort back to my learnt behaviour and I want and need to change that pattern.

 

Thanks again.

[openspaces]

open, my heart goes out to you for what you had to endure. But don't think that just because you share their blood that you're going to be the kind of parent you had – chances are, you're going to bend over backward to make sure you're not. And I think your husband giving you validation on the kind of good parent that you are should be taken to heart – after all, he's in the driver's seat with you, you know?

 

don't dwell on the negative, but look for examples of success stories. David Pelzer, who wrote "A child called 'It,'" wrote a very moving book about his personal horror story. What was so uplifting about it is that he chose to be a model of love, not madness, despite the trauma inflicted on him.

 

sometimes, all it takes is a simple decision to be what we want most that gets us on the journey to becoming that person. Think of the abuse as bumps or potholes in the road, rather than total roadblocks ... those things might slow you down a bit but they also help you rethink your strategy on how to get where you're going.

 

the fact that you are taking this thing seriously tells me that you ARE a good mama, because a less loving person would just sweep it under the rug.

 

do you have access to counseling? Would you consider going? It would be a good way to get the "roadmap" to guide you on your journey ...

 

hugs,

quank

 

Thanks quank for your thoughts. Thanks for reminding me to take on board what my husband says to me. I sometimes find it difficult to take on praise.

I would like to read that book you talked of, as I find it very hard to look on the positive side.

Thanks for you thoughts on me being an ok mum. I just feel that if I make such big mistakes sometimes then it cancels out the good stuff I might do.

 

I would consider counselling thank you.

[openspaces]

Well I have booked some counselling for beginning of next month. I am terrified about telling someone my worse thoughts. Also worried that is is Cognitive Behaviour therapy rather than transactional therapy. I have done TA before and found it logical and helpful. Does anyone have any experience of CBT?

 

openspaces

xx

[Lizzie60]

First.. I think you're in the right direction... you KNOW you need help and you're doing something about it..

 

Abused children become 2 kinds of parents.. the one that continue that abuse because they don,t know better... and the ones that 'learn' from this abuse and become great parents..

 

ONLY YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE A THREAT TO YOUR CHILD!!!! Since you think that your child would be better off being adopted.. I suspect that he could be in danger (but then again.. ONLY YOU KNOW that).

 

I find it quite disturbing (unless he has no clue what's going on) that your husband is not so supportive and 'helpful'.... this is strange..

 

Have you done anything to your child that makes you believe that he/she would be better off without you?

[Nikki Sahagin]

You definately can yes.

 

There are 2 schools of thought on abuse. One is that those that have been abused can go on to become abusers themselves and the other is that those that have been abused can go on to break the cycle and treat their children like gold.

 

It's important that you remember NOT to repeat the mistakes of your parents. You know firsthand how that feels and how much it effected you. You do not want that for your child and it's great that you know that. You don't have to go the same way as them. You can choose a different path.

 

I do think you need to deal with the abuse you've gone through. I know abuse is abuse and it's not comparable and of course physical abuse carries with it it's own mental and emotional traumas but in a way abuse of the mind and heart are more damaging in that they don't obviously heal like a bruise or a cut. We sort of learn the abuse.

 

Why not see a therapist? You will need to be very open and strong but do it for you and your child. You can DEFINATELY do this.

[Brimstone_Angel]

I read your thread and I am going to answer title's question.

 

Yes and yes. But, it is going to take being honest with yourself. Being willing to confront those demons. Give them voice to a professional and maybe even trying telling your parents how you feel/felt. It might take some professional counseling both for you and family counseling for all involved. It is going to take finding the tools of parenting that you missed out of from your parents.

 

In short, in order for you to recover (which does not mean you forget, but the scars you suffer from will finally heal and they will not affect your life as they do now) and to prevent you from become one of the "hand me down offenders", it is going to take effort, honesty, and continual commitment.

 

I hope this is the answer you were looking for and I wish you luck and my blessings to you and your loved ones. And remember, you don't have to be like your parents. Where they failed with you, you use all your might to succeed with you child/ren and this is how the cycle will end. Let it stop with you.

[openspaces]

Hi Lizzie60, Thanks for your reply. Yes I agree about abused parents going one of two ways I only hope I can be the one that learns.

I don't think that my child is in true physical danger but I know that I am not good at controlling my anger and frustration. I want to be a perfect parent and I know I am not that. The main reason I think my kid would be better off with someone else is that, well I am not perfect I do and say things I regret. Plus selfishly I want to be free of the painful journey I will have to make to become the parent that I know my child needs and deserves. My husband know everything and I have been totally upfront about EVERYTHING. I don't know why he is not more concerned.

 

Hi Nikki, Thanks for the encouragement. Most of the time I think of what I am going to say to my kid every time about how it might affect my kid. I don't want to repeat their mistakes and I try so hard not too. Its when I am stressed tiered, frustrated with usual toddler antics that I make mistakes. Thanks so much for believing that I can do better.

 

Thank you thank you brimstone, I know this road isn't going to be easy. Your post has made me think and have some hope that I can be different.