One step forward two steps back

[jj33]

I do agree with you she has to talk to her H but the thread doesnt indicate that she even thinks about her H.

 

That to me is the crucial problem. She doesnt seem concerned about her marriage so I think we are barking up the wrong tree.

 

Theres an old saying (not saying the OP is a pig) but

 

never teach a pig to sing, it annoys the pig and it wastes your time.

 

Meaning if someone doesnt want to listen they wont so dont bother.

[JamesM]

 

Theres an old saying (not saying the OP is a pig) but

 

never teach a pig to sing, it annoys the pig and it wastes your time.

 

 

No, according to the Trojan commercial, the GUYS are the pigs.

 

FF, you have two or three options, and as long as you have posted here, you have done none of them.

 

OPTION #1

 

First, tell your husband everything.

 

Second, let your MM that you have done so.

 

Three, with your husband, decide whether moving or staying is the best option.

 

Four, get into marriage counseling.

 

Five, move on.

 

 

 

OPTION #2

 

First, divorce your husband.

 

Second, decide if the MM is right for you. If so, he can divorce his wife.

 

Three, have complete contact with the MM and build a happy life

 

or....

 

have complete contact with the MM and live a miserable life.

 

 

OPTION #3

 

First, completely leave MM alone.

 

Second, never tell your husband.

 

Three, renew your love with your husband and focus on all that is good about him.

 

 

These are the only options I see. Continuing on in life on a roller coaster is not good for you or your husband. He may not know why you are the way you are, but undoubtedly, he knows you are not who you once were.

[Meaplus3]

Hey FF. Sorry to hear your still wrapped up in this mess with your MM neighbor. IMO you have a couple options here. Either confess the entire affair to your H and fully mend your marriage because if your marriage is back on track then you will not have the feelings for this mm. 2) file for a divorce. Going back to just beign friend's with this mm is not going to work.. and I think you know that.

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

FF:

 

Accept that he doesn't love you.

 

Accept that he wants to stay with his family.

 

From what I read, he is NOT wanting sex with you, period. Rationalize it by saying he feels guilty; that is YOU rationalizing. If he wanted sex with you, he'd be having it with you, because you want sex with him.

 

I think part of the problem here is that you THINK you can change his mind if you give him enough time.

 

Men want sex. Cheaters want sex with OP. The fact that he does not want sex with you should be a SIGN.

 

He has rejected you. At what point is that rejection enough to get you to wake up before you completely destroy your M?

 

And over what? A neighbor who no longer wants to have sex with you.

 

Sorry, but that's what I see. He's getting a big ego stroke and he's not doing a dang thing.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

I just want her husband to wake up and see what she is doing to him. He deserves to know his life is at stake. His physical life, his mental, life and his emotional life. And he with someone who is more than willing to be the one to pull the trigger on all of his hopes and dreams. His expectations and his trust of his so called wife.

[forbidden fruit]

Well Gel I think you are so far off the mark. He told me today he does love me, He does not want sex he just wants me to say I want it. If

I say I want it then he looks like the victim and he can say to his wife if we got caught she came on to me. She wanted it.

 

I was the one who stopped the affair because I knew we would get caught and I also wanted more. I was not just after a sexual relationship with him. I wanted more from him.

 

Furthermore, his reasons for staying having nothing to do with his loving his wife. He in fact told me today to not let him go, He pleaded me with him to stay in his life.

quote=GreenEyedLady;1910377]FF:

 

Accept that he doesn't love you.

 

Accept that he wants to stay with his family.

 

From what I read, he is NOT wanting sex with you, period. Rationalize it by saying he feels guilty; that is YOU rationalizing. If he wanted sex with you, he'd be having it with you, because you want sex with him.

 

I think part of the problem here is that you THINK you can change his mind if you give him enough time.

 

Men want sex. Cheaters want sex with OP. The fact that he does not want sex with you should be a SIGN.

 

He has rejected you. At what point is that rejection enough to get you to wake up before you completely destroy your M?

 

And over what? A neighbor who no longer wants to have sex with you.

 

Sorry, but that's what I see. He's getting a big ego stroke and he's not doing a dang thing.

 

GEL

[forbidden fruit]

Today we talked for about two hours and in that time he got completely drunk. He said he could not handle everything. He loves me and cannot stand he fact he is not with me. He also feels guilty for what we ae doing to our families.

 

Well his w catches him drunk and when I see him again he yells at me in front of alot of people that this is all my fault. I am driving him too drink and he is going to get kicked out of his house. He said I am finally going to get what I wanted him. Except I won't get him because he will have to move far away. He said his wife will take everything from him.

 

I just go into my house after all this and he comes after me telling me I cannot abandon him now and that he needs me there for him. mm says wife is going to kick him out. I tell him no and he cannot blame this whole thing on me. He told me to get prepared because we will be together sooner than I think. I am so all over the place. He is like a ticking time bomb. I have never seen him like this. He is really upset. However I did not put a gun to his head and tell him to drink all afternoon.He did that all on his own. Is he right in blaming this whole thing on me?

 

I am a mess and I would appreciate if peoples comments while warranted show a little more compassion. I am still human and we all make mistakes. I am weak, addicted and completely brainwashed by mm so forgive me if I can't see what you all see.

[bentnotbroken]

You aren't a victim. You aren't brainwashed. You are a willing participant who has refused all logical advice and suggestions for ways to end this drama. Have you sought counseling? Have you told your H and his W? Have you outed the R in anyway? All these things will end the drama immediately and allow you and the other people involved to begin the healing process. But what have you done to move from this situation, pardon my french, not a damn thing.

 

This person(can't call him a man)is using everyone around him to satisfy his selfish needs. You aren't driving him to drink, it is part of his character. He is a base level human being(I say that out of respect cause God did create him)who isn't beyond yelling at you publicly, blaming you(and his wife)for his actions and manipulating the a situation to suit his needs. You have allowed this situation to continue, but I can almost guarantee you it is fast approaching a close. You had the opportunity to deal with it like an adult, now I believe the choice has probably been removed from you. As they say the crap is about to hit the fan.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to start thinking of how you are going to handle things with your H, because you are right on the edge of him finding out everything.

 

You seriously do not want him to hear it from someone else. It will crush him to hear it from you, but he will crush you if he hears it from someone else.

 

As for the MM. He's a narcissist. Plain and simple. He is going to do whatever it takes to keep you right where he wants you: wanting him, even if it means he has to manipulate you and trick you into saying it. He isn't upset that he can't have you. He's upset at the idea of you not wanting him and putting everything at risk.

 

Look where he has you now: He has you risking everything just to be friends. He wants you to be willing to throw away your family just for the chance to be with him. He isn't willing to do that, because he needs his family to fill his other narcissist needs. He just needs for you to do that.

 

Once you do throw away your family, then what do you have to offer as a sacrifice to be with MM? Nothing. That said, MM won't be interested anymore. He wants to know you'll be with him on pain of losing everything.

 

If you keep going like this, you will end up single, miserable and alone. He, on the other hand will stay married, content and surrounded by his family.

[Owl]

LB's right...you'd better plan on having a sit down conversation with your husband...TONITE.

 

Because its all on the verge of busting out now...I'm not sure by your post if his wife knows now or not...but its only a matter of a very little bit of time now until she does.

 

Do NOT attempt to spin this into damage control.

 

DO tell your H the full out, complete story and honest truth.

 

And then see what happens from there.

 

It'll be a catalyst for change...one way or another.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well Gel I think you are so far off the mark. He told me today he does love me, He does not want sex he just wants me to say I want it. If

I say I want it then he looks like the victim and he can say to his wife if we got caught she came on to me. She wanted it.

 

I was the one who stopped the affair because I knew we would get caught and I also wanted more. I was not just after a sexual relationship with him. I wanted more from him.

 

Furthermore, his reasons for staying having nothing to do with his loving his wife. He in fact told me today to not let him go, He pleaded me with him to stay in his life.

 

FF:

 

I don't think you understand what love is.

 

Your MM does NOT love you or he wouldn't have done what he has done. Go back over your 11 pages of posts under your profile. Read your own words. This man is not the one for you. He has done nothing to show his love, nothing.

 

Someone SAYING they love you, doesn't make it so.

 

Love is an action and he has not shown you any of it. Sex is not love, an ego stroke is not love.

 

You stopped the A because he would not leave his W. Not because you thought you'd get caught. (Really was it ever "stopped"?)

 

You do not know why he chooses his W. You see her as standing in your way; you cannot be objective.

 

The worst part of this is that you want him to leave so badly, yet where are you? Exactly where you were when you started.

 

And your poor H, made to look like a fool. Why do you expect MM to be honest when you won't be honest yourself?

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

THIS is what "THE FOG" looks like.

 

Scary.

 

Hi GEL!!!!

[GreenEyedLady]

THIS is what "THE FOG" looks like.

 

Scary.

 

Hi GEL!!!!

 

The "fog" is certainly thick...

 

Hi NID!

[Reggie]

What a train wreck. When is the Springer show appearance?

[agate]

What a train wreck. When is the Springer show appearance?

 

Wow, that was harsh. i think the op would probably benefit more from trying to understand where she is coming from rather than insults. I DO think it is difficult for her to see the forest for the trees right now. i'm worried that this man may become more emotionally abusive toward her the deeper he sinks his claws in. Blaming someone else for one's own actions is a bad sign.

[lkjh]

Wow, that was harsh. i think the op would probably benefit more from trying to understand where she is coming from rather than insults. I DO think it is difficult for her to see the forest for the trees right now. i'm worried that this man may become more emotionally abusive toward her the deeper he sinks his claws in. Blaming someone else for one's own actions is a bad sign.

 

Read her past threads, she has been doing this for a long time. Nothing will help her she is to weak and to into the OM.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow, that was harsh. i think the op would probably benefit more from trying to understand where she is coming from rather than insults. I DO think it is difficult for her to see the forest for the trees right now. i'm worried that this man may become more emotionally abusive toward her the deeper he sinks his claws in. Blaming someone else for one's own actions is a bad sign.

 

 

You haven't been here long enough to see what the original poster has done to extend and exacerbate this affair. She isn't having a difficult time, she is doing what she has always done, add to the chaos. Yes, it is Springer like and tragic at the same time. Nothing and no one has meant enough to her to do what is necessary. Not her H, not her children, not her own self respect and dignity. Maybe you should go back and read some of her old post. She has blamed everyone for this mess, except herself. She could have stopped this months ago, she chose not to.

[Meaplus3]

FF, I'd really like to try to help you here. Now, what is it going to take for you to make a final choice? It seems like your standing still here with MM and H. Until you take some action. I'm afraid your going to be stuck. So who will it be? MM or H? That's what you need to decide. Hugs.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

Thanks, donna I know you are right. It is so hard to se him for what he is, but if everyone beleives it to be true except me then I guess it is true. It is hard to accept the fact that I had a affair with someone who was such a loser. In the beginning he painted a different portrait of himelf and I guess that is what I am hanging onto all this time. I need to accept those people are not one in the same. He is who he is and I have to stop trying to change him into who I want him to be. Thanks

[Mino]

Today we talked for about two hours and in that time he got completely drunk. He said he could not handle everything. He loves me and cannot stand he fact he is not with me. He also feels guilty for what we ae doing to our families.

 

Well his w catches him drunk and when I see him again he yells at me in front of alot of people that this is all my fault. I am driving him too drink and he is going to get kicked out of his house. He said I am finally going to get what I wanted him. Except I won't get him because he will have to move far away. He said his wife will take everything from him.

 

I just go into my house after all this and he comes after me telling me I cannot abandon him now and that he needs me there for him. mm says wife is going to kick him out. I tell him no and he cannot blame this whole thing on me. He told me to get prepared because we will be together sooner than I think. I am so all over the place. He is like a ticking time bomb. I have never seen him like this. He is really upset. However I did not put a gun to his head and tell him to drink all afternoon.He did that all on his own. Is he right in blaming this whole thing on me?

 

I am a mess and I would appreciate if peoples comments while warranted show a little more compassion. I am still human and we all make mistakes. I am weak, addicted and completely brainwashed by mm so forgive me if I can't see what you all see.

You have a crazy imature mm on her hands. I have followed your story from the begining. This is a man who Will not take any responsibility for anything, never has, never will. He had no balls then and he does not have them now. He wants to hook you back into the A, he is a typical cake eater. I rember when you said you were working on your M.. What happened? You confess back then to your H...right? Your mm stayed home because she was the major bread winner... remember? What i think you needed to do now which should have been then is to move.... I know thats tough and a high price to pay... but this drama will continue as long as you remain his neigbor. You are slowly getting sucked back in... and If he gets caught he will only blame it on you...wify will spank him, forgive him again... and you my dear will loose the husband that you claimed to love.

[forbidden fruit]

You are right mepalus 3. You have always been there for me. It is time to choose. At least I still have opportunity to choose. There will no other chances for me. It is time to break the cycle. I am not going to made feel guilty anymore by mm. He can live his life anyway he wants and I will move on with mine. Hugs

[Meaplus3]

You are right mepalus 3. You have always been there for me. It is time to choose. At least I still have opportunity to choose. There will no other chances for me. It is time to break the cycle. I am not going to made feel guilty anymore by mm. He can live his life anyway he wants and I will move on with mine. Hugs

 

Now your thinking girl! Believe me the sooner you make this choice the sooner the grief will end. You have been on this roller coaster for a long time now.. and it's time to end the ride and exit the amusement park for good. Think about how much better you will feel when there is just one man in your life. The one man that is most important to you. Stay strong.. and I am here for you and always will be.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

You have a crazy imature mm on her hands. I have followed your story from the begining. This is a man who Will not take any responsibility for anything, never has, never will. He had no balls then and he does not have them now. He wants to hook you back into the A, he is a typical cake eater. I rember when you said you were working on your M.. What happened? You confess back then to your H...right? Your mm stayed home because she was the major bread winner... remember? What i think you needed to do now which should have been then is to move.... I know thats tough and a high price to pay... but this drama will continue as long as you remain his neigbor. You are slowly getting sucked back in... and If he gets caught he will only blame it on you...wify will spank him, forgive him again... and you my dear will loose the husband that you claimed to love.

 

I know this is irrevelant, but why would I get thrown out and his wife would forgive him. Why wouldn't my H forgive me and he get thrown out?

[whichwayisup]

I know this is irrevelant, but why would I get thrown out and his wife would forgive him. Why wouldn't my H forgive me and he get thrown out?

 

Because it all depends on how each person views infidelity and how long this has been going on. It also depends on the forgiving level, for both your H and his wife. Your H and his W are two different people.

 

FF, I really hope you're able to totally see what a FH the MM is.

 

Didn't your H kind of know "something" had happened between you and the MM? Just not in any details?

[forbidden fruit]

What is a FH wwiu?