One step forward two steps back

[Darth Vader]

RP, how do you propose she get this man out of her heart and her mind, when he's her NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR?

 

I would agree with you, but there's no way to enforce NC in this situation without moving...which is why this has been brought up over and over.

 

FF, I don't think that there is a single thing anyone can do to help you, or what kind of support we can give you that would truly help you work out your situation.

 

You've been given the same advice by nearly every single poster here...and steadfastly refuse to consider it in any fashion.

 

What kind of support are you hoping for from LS? What is it you hope to gain posting here? What is it that we can provide that will REALLY help you? (not just make you feel good...that's not always 'support' or 'helping you')

 

 

Owl, my man, she wants us to agree that she can keep the affair under wraps, or screw this man, or run away with him, or whatever in particular that she wants to hear at the time. She's apparently not going to do anything to face any sort of consequences, she's gonna continue to string her poor hubby along and literally screw him over by wasting her husbands life, when he could be happy with someone else who can love him for him, and be faithful to him.

 

She's probably getting some need/s met just by coming on here and posting to us about her tandred sexual escapades, or emotional, or whatever.

 

I Highly suggest that since she's gonna start putting everyone on ignor anyway for disagreeing with her, that we all stop posting on her posts. There's been lots and lots of good advice on here for her, which she blatantly refuses. My point is:

 

No point to drag that dead horse over here so we can beat on it some more. It's dead.

 

Chinese takeout anyone?

[Darth Vader]

I'll take your word for it. It's just that I question why LS regulars post in these infidelity threads at all sometimes. I get that FF is stuck. That much doesn't change. But her pain doesn't change either. She still comes here looking for something that few regulars seem to give her.

 

Do you ever question why the haters keep playing the game too?

 

 

Personally, I think she's doing it in part for attention, perhaps even to rattle a few nerves, frankly, I'm really starting to get tired of this. I guess I'm kinda just lurking to see the BOMB go off, so to speak. Because you know it's gonna happen, it's not a question of if, but when. I imagine others are lurking as well, waiting, at least I'm being honest about it.

 

I wouldn't call them haters, that's unfair, many have just been burned, or saw someone get burned simular to this manner. Then, there are the children........

[bentnotbroken]

I'll take your word for it. It's just that I question why LS regulars post in these infidelity threads at all sometimes. I get that FF is stuck. That much doesn't change. But her pain doesn't change either. She still comes here looking for something that few regulars seem to give her.

 

Do you ever question why the haters keep playing the game too?

 

 

I am a hater. I am a hater of children being hurt by infidelity. I am a hater of BS being lied to and their mental and physical health being put at risk. I am a hater of the selfish nature of people. I am a hater of the willful choices of a couple of people that end up hurting many. Yes sir, I am a hater. Of people no, of destructive actions.....always.

[Darth Vader]

She likes the drama. She isn't going to stick to it or tell her husband. But in a short while she won't have to.

 

 

Just like I've been saying.........

[Mio]

Personally, I think she's doing it in part for attention, perhaps even to rattle a few nerves, frankly, I'm really starting to get tired of this.

 

I can appreciate that. But without meaning to be clever, aren't you just giving her attention by replying?

 

 

 

Yes sir, I am a hater. Of people no, of destructive actions.....always.

 

This sounds like the same specious argument that some Christians often throw up when confronted with homosexuality - "Hate the sin, love the sinner". I don't think people can honestly pull this off. To hate an action is to believe that the act was conscious and deliberate.

 

Affair partners aren't evil, just misguided and in pain. I don't like that children are hurt in affairs either. It happened to me as a child. But I still have compassion for these people and their families. Judging their actions and talking to them in harsh tones is not likely to move their hearts.

[bentnotbroken]

I can appreciate that. But without meaning to be clever, aren't you just giving her attention by replying?

 

 

 

 

 

This sounds like the same specious argument that some Christians often throw up when confronted with homosexuality - "Hate the sin, love the sinner". I don't think people can honestly pull this off. To hate an action is to believe that the act was conscious and deliberate.

 

Affair partners aren't evil, just misguided and in pain. I don't like that children are hurt in affairs either. It happened to me as a child. But I still have compassion for these people and their families. Judging their actions and talking to them in harsh tones is not likely to move their hearts.

 

 

And as a Christian with some really great gay friends, who I love with all my heart, I can't say I hate a person I have never met or isn't likely to meet. I do believe to have sex with someone who isn't your spouse is a deliberate and conscious act. They consciously tell lies to get away from the spouse. They consciously cover their tracks and they consciously look for ways to keep the their backsides out of the fire. As evidenced by FF. I am well aware there are people with different value systems than mine. Doesn't change the fact that the collateral damage is usually widespread.

[lkjh]

Affair partners aren't evil, just misguided and in pain. I don't like that children are hurt in affairs either. It happened to me as a child. But I still have compassion for these people and their families. Judging their actions and talking to them in harsh tones is not likely to move their hearts.

 

They are not misguided! They know what they are doing but they choose to do it anyway. A person who steals does so knowing it is wrong but they enjoy the outcome. Also you are an affair partner and that is why you feel compassion for them. You are chasing after a married woman and a mother. You are trying to lessen the evil that is being done therefore reducing your own guilt. You say we shouldn't judge their actions; then what she we judge?

[Mio]

And as a Christian with some really great gay friends, who I love with all my heart, I can't say I hate a person I have never met or isn't likely to meet.

 

This warms my heart.

 

I do believe to have sex with someone who isn't your spouse is a deliberate and conscious act. They consciously tell lies to get away from the spouse. They consciously cover their tracks and they consciously look for ways to keep the their backsides out of the fire. As evidenced by FF. I am well aware there are people with different value systems than mine. Doesn't change the fact that the collateral damage is usually widespread.

 

I accept what you say. Well, except for the "conscious" bit. Have you ever had an affair, BNB? I don't mean as the BS, I mean as the betrayer. I can tell you, for someone with a conscience of any strength, it's a devastating experience.

 

Maybe, if I examined the whole thing, I might say that I have less sympathy for long-term APs than short-term ones. Still, they might be nefarious, but it's not enough for me to lose my compassion.

[Darth Vader]

I can appreciate that. But without meaning to be clever, aren't you just giving her attention by replying?

 

 

 

 

 

This sounds like the same specious argument that some Christians often throw up when confronted with homosexuality - "Hate the sin, love the sinner". I don't think people can honestly pull this off. To hate an action is to believe that the act was conscious and deliberate.

 

Affair partners aren't evil, just misguided and in pain. I don't like that children are hurt in affairs either. It happened to me as a child. But I still have compassion for these people and their families. Judging their actions and talking to them in harsh tones is not likely to move their hearts.

 

 

To answer question 1, NAH! Reason, I figure she has me on ignor already, even if she doesn't, Oh well, like she cared for anything I said to her before, yes, it was to help her husband, for him to have that choice to move on, clearly FF isn't a real woman IMO, to allow her own husband to make that choice all his own. He has that right, she's stealing that from him, along with his life.

 

2. Judging actions? That's a typical response coming from a person/s who don't want to take responsibility or accept the consequences of their actions. That much is evident! They always use that line in a futile attempt to slither away, to justify their actions, however, that Crap don't work with me!

[Mio]

You say we shouldn't judge their actions; then what she we judge?

 

Judge no-one and no thing. Judging always comes back to haunt us, because it sneaks into how we talk to ourselves.

[Darth Vader]

I am on ignore, at least that is what she said. And going out,nope.... only hanging with my kids when they have time for the old chick:p

 

 

Well, if that's your pic;), I still can't understand why your ex hex did what he did....... By the way, nice legs!

[bentnotbroken]

This warms my heart.

 

 

 

I accept what you say. Well, except for the "conscious" bit. Have you ever had an affair, BNB? I don't mean as the BS, I mean as the betrayer. I can tell you, for someone with a conscience of any strength, it's a devastating experience.

 

Maybe, if I examined the whole thing, I might say that I have less sympathy for long-term APs than short-term ones. Still, they might be nefarious, but it's not enough for me to lose my compassion.

 

 

I now know that years ago, I think that I had an EA. I was really attached to this guy, but I never lied to Mr. Messy about talking with him or sending him letters(snail mail was still in vogue), but I think I shared stuff with him that I should have shared with Mr. Messy. My marriage wasn't great, for some years, but I always believed in my vows. I always thought that if we worked hard enough it would work. We also agreed that if either of us wanted to cheat, we would tell the other. I was the only one to honor that. So didn't have a physical affair, no(wanted to more than once)according to the Word did I cheat, yes. Do I know how easy it would have been to give in, you betcha;) Did I want to do the easy thing, damn straight. Did it hurt to do the hard thing, more than I could have ever imagined.

[bentnotbroken]

Well, if that's your pic;), I still can't understand why your ex hex did what he did....... By the way, nice legs!

 

 

Thanks:laugh: wish mine were that long, I am vertically impaired. But the rest is pretty close.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks:laugh: wish mine were that long, I am vertically impaired. But the rest is pretty close.

 

 

:love:If the rest is pretty close WOW! Apparently not impaired in the HOT Dept.!!! Oops, getting off topic, not that I was off the topic at hand, anyway, I said to someone in here, about FF, if I were a gambling man I'd bet you 10 bucks she'll be right back in here in a few months, and still refuse to tell her husband the truth. I said that only out of jest the last time FF left forever! I would've won. He Heh! It is the Drama she's after, the attention, she's not really here for help. Why, it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't really have us on ignor, I mean she did answer one of your replies, after she put you on ignor. Uh huh, see?

 

I'm just waiting for the next chapter in the Saga of "As the Stomache Turns!"

[JamesM]

 

then when the crap really hit's the fan and she wants advice from us to help save her destroyed failing marriage, because hubby found out somehow....... there will be no one who can help her, because she would have all of us on ignor, then she's really gonna have to fend for herself. Oh well.

 

 

First off, I highly doubt she will ask advice from those who have zero concern for her well being. Period. I don't know what illusions one would have that they would think that their advice is so necessary for someone when it has been shown to be useless up to this point.

 

Second, there have been people who have posted constructive criticism which has not been what FF wants to hear but she responds. Why? Because it obviously is from the right attitude which would be...an attitude that says that everyone no matter how many times they screw up or how many times they continue doing the same thing, everyone...yes, everyone who takes the time to post their problems here no matter how stupid they sound to me or you will be accepted as a person with problems. And many of us will give advice IF WE SO DESIRE with the idea that we want to see her improve.

 

We are not required to do this just as we are not required to read this thread, but we do so because we want to respond. And yes, she has ignored my advice as have others here on LS, but that does not mean I will come back and ridicule her for doing so. No, I will either come back and post again with advice...or I will leave her thread alone.

 

You missed my point, she keeps coming back on here with the same old, same old, doesn't like what people are saying, get's mad, then leaves for good, only to reappear months later saying the same crap all over again, in that order, trust me on this, I've been watching this from nearly the start.

 

You know how ridiculous THIS sounds. Has someone forced you to read this thread? So what that she keeps coming back? Have you a tally of everyone here who does the same thing?

 

WTF are you watching her comings and goings for?

 

My God, it's just like watching "The Young and the Restless" nothing ever changes, what I mean is, you could leave for 10 years, come back, and still see the same thing/s happening, it's scary!

 

They have a switch on the TV, and here on LS there is no need to read threads you do not like. What is scary is that you feel compelled to come here, and what is even more frightening is that you proceed to ask bent out for a date on someone else's thread.

 

Just like a soap oprea. Don't believe me, go back and read some of the other posts, it's so sad.

 

What blows my mind is that you bother doing this. You said earlier that you think she gets her jollies out of coming back over and over asking for the same advice for the same problems.

 

Now that we have established why SHE does the threads....why do YOU keep reading them? Why do you waste your time reading and then posting? Why are you wasting OUR time?

 

Please for the sake of your own sanity and for ours...refrain from posting on threads that you find ridiculous.

 

And when someone asks you nicely not to post to their threads, then the only reason you would do so is to atagonize that person IMO. Read here...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123893/

[lkjh]

Judge no-one and no thing. Judging always comes back to haunt us, because it sneaks into how we talk to ourselves.

 

Sounds like the words of a guilty man. We have to make some judgments. Im not saying we have to condemn someone to hell but we need to figure out what kind of people we want in our lives. You always look at people's actions not their words.

[JamesM]

We have to make some judgments.

 

Agreed. What judgments we make and how we respond to them says more about us rather than about the person we judge.

 

 

You always look at people's actions not their words.

 

Correct, but here on LS...all we have our words. Words which people use to tell us of their actions. We then may choose to believe them or not. And what we say will give the person a pretty good idea if our advice can be trusted as genuine.

[Mio]

Agreed. What judgments we make and how we respond to them says more about us rather than about the person we judge.

 

You are confusing discernment with judgment. Discern, yes. Discern truth in your own life, Discern the pain of others. Discern their confusion. But never, ever judge, for it comes back to bite you. And be careful about telling people how to live their lives, for that is a form of judgment too.

[forbidden fruit]

Thank u James. Despite what everyone thinks I have posted and continue to read posts because despite what some people might believe it is helping me.

 

Maybe not in the way some people would like or on the time frame people would like, but i really do not care because it is my life and let's face it everyone here are strangers.

 

Having said that there are some people on here that I value and trust their opinion and it is because of them and their posts that have led me to where I am now.

 

I am in a much stronger place mentally and out of the control of the xmm. the decisions I make now are about my family instead of how or what the xmm feels.

 

I have been in NC with xmm for two months now and I know for sure even if he left his wife, or any other scenario I would never go back to him. So while u all might not have any faith in my NC that does not bother me. At the end of the day I am doing what is best for me.

 

I am sorry but some of the posters on here think they know what is best for me or my family. Maybe or maybe not there is a real concern, but if u do not like the decisions I make or post on then don't reply or read what i have to say.

 

All I know is this forum has helped me despite what others think. This is why I came here in the first place to be heard, but also to read about others in my same situation. So thank u to all those who have been there for me. i really do appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

First off, I highly doubt she will ask advice from those who have zero concern for her well being. Period. I don't know what illusions one would have that they would think that their advice is so necessary for someone when it has been shown to be useless up to this point.

 

Second, there have been people who have posted constructive criticism which has not been what FF wants to hear but she responds. Why? Because it obviously is from the right attitude which would be...an attitude that says that everyone no matter how many times they screw up or how many times they continue doing the same thing, everyone...yes, everyone who takes the time to post their problems here no matter how stupid they sound to me or you will be accepted as a person with problems. And many of us will give advice IF WE SO DESIRE with the idea that we want to see her improve.

 

We are not required to do this just as we are not required to read this thread, but we do so because we want to respond. And yes, she has ignored my advice as have others here on LS, but that does not mean I will come back and ridicule her for doing so. No, I will either come back and post again with advice...or I will leave her thread alone.

 

 

 

You know how ridiculous THIS sounds. Has someone forced you to read this thread? So what that she keeps coming back? Have you a tally of everyone here who does the same thing?

 

WTF are you watching her comings and goings for?

 

 

 

They have a switch on the TV, and here on LS there is no need to read threads you do not like. What is scary is that you feel compelled to come here, and what is even more frightening is that you proceed to ask bent out for a date on someone else's thread.

 

 

 

What blows my mind is that you bother doing this. You said earlier that you think she gets her jollies out of coming back over and over asking for the same advice for the same problems.

 

Now that we have established why SHE does the threads....why do YOU keep reading them? Why do you waste your time reading and then posting? Why are you wasting OUR time?

 

Please for the sake of your own sanity and for ours...refrain from posting on threads that you find ridiculous.

 

And when someone asks you nicely not to post to their threads, then the only reason you would do so is to atagonize that person IMO. Read here...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123893/

[whichwayisup]

Happy New Year FF! Hope 2009 brings you good health, more strength and happiness at home.

 

Soon you'll be saying "exMM who???"

[bentnotbroken]

Thank u James. Despite what everyone thinks I have posted and continue to read posts because despite what some people might believe it is helping me.

 

Maybe not in the way some people would like or on the time frame people would like, but i really do not care because it is my life and let's face it everyone here are strangers.

 

Having said that there are some people on here that I value and trust their opinion and it is because of them and their posts that have led me to where I am now.

 

I am in a much stronger place mentally and out of the control of the xmm. the decisions I make now are about my family instead of how or what the xmm feels.

 

I have been in NC with xmm for two months now and I know for sure even if he left his wife, or any other scenario I would never go back to him. So while u all might not have any faith in my NC that does not bother me. At the end of the day I am doing what is best for me.

 

I am sorry but some of the posters on here think they know what is best for me or my family. Maybe or maybe not there is a real concern, but if u do not like the decisions I make or post on then don't reply or read what i have to say.

 

All I know is this forum has helped me despite what others think. This is why I came here in the first place to be heard, but also to read about others in my same situation. So thank u to all those who have been there for me. i really do appreciate it.

 

 

As I said in my last post to you, there maybe hope for you yet.

[Meaplus3]

Hey FF, I hope in the New Year you find peace with this situation. I know you have the strength within you to get through this. Stay strong girl. I have so much faith in you.

 

Mea:)

[D-Lish]

I am sorry but some of the posters on here think they know what is best for me or my family. Maybe or maybe not there is a real concern, but if u do not like the decisions I make or post on then don't reply or read what i have to say.

 

 

Well that judgement and condemnation doesn't just happen on this sub-forum... it happens often here.

 

Some people mean well, others speak from a religious viewpoint, and others speak out of spite endured from personal experience.

 

Just remember that you know yourself best. Whatever choices you make belong to you- and it's no one's right to judge you. People can say what they like on a free and open forum, but no one else is living in your shoes.

 

At the end of the day, if you have found even one poster that gives you some solace and insight, then it is worth posting your story.

 

I wish you the best of luck, you seem to be on your way to a better place. Please keep us posted.

 

xo

D

[JamesM]

 

Some people mean well, others speak from a religious viewpoint, and others speak out of spite endured from personal experience.

 

Can one mean well AND speak from a religious viewpoint? Sorry...I couldn't resist.

 

Personally, I like to think that my viewpoint...whether religious or not is meant well, and sometimes it does come from personal experience.

 

D-Lish, I think I know what you mean, but it read differently to me. Some people feel that they need to give a POV which criticizes someone based on their actions, and then they think this criticism will make them realize what an awful person the OP is. Some think that if they spit out their venom of anger which they gained from a BS POV, then the person will suddenly realize the hurt they have caused. Reality is...none are meant to help the person who posted the thread. Those kind of comments are either intended to hurt the OP or make the angry person feel better.

 

Just remember that you know yourself best. Whatever choices you make belong to you- and it's no one's right to judge you. People can say what they like on a free and open forum, but no one else is living in your shoes.

 

This is so true. While someone may give a critique and judgment based on what has been posted and while they may even give great feedback based on that, the actual choice can only be made by the person requesting help, because that person knows the real situation...even if he or she did not post it in the right words.

 

And the best sentence I have seen here on LS in a long time is....

 

At the end of the day, if you have found even one poster that gives you some solace and insight, then it is worth posting your story.

 

My personal experiences have shown this to be very true.

[forbidden fruit]

I am probably going to get shot for saying this, but I need to vent and I am so tired of holding this in for fear of what the forum will say. While I will never break NC it has been a hard week.

 

Everytime xmm is near I can feel it and I still have feeling of loss, anger and sadness. I am not sure why, but these feelings are there.

 

In the meantime while going through all these feeling I am paying special attention to the feelings of my h and kids.

 

Yesterday my H went to borrow something from xmm and I cringed inside.

 

I also got some pictures back from a trip we all took three years ago where it all started and it brought up alot of memories, not really good ones.

 

I keep wondering if he is suffering as much as me or has he moved on like it never really mattered to him. I know I am still thinking about him, but I cannot help it. At least it is less and less everyday and it is more and more about the important people in my life. Just wondering thats all