One step forward two steps back

[whichwayisup]

FF, I hope you stick to the NC and come next spring and summer when the kids are out playing and everyone is more active outside, you can still avoid him and keep NC in place.

 

If you want it over with him, keep it that way and if you feel like you're missing him or get any kind of doubts as to why you're in NC mode, come back and read all your threads so you can remember.

 

Stay strong!

[RecordProducer]

RP, how do you propose she get this man out of her heart and her mind, when he's her NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR?

 

I would agree with you, but there's no way to enforce NC in this situation without moving...

I know what you're saying, but I think moving is too big a step for a stupid situation like this. She should be able enough to pick herself up and do whatever it takes to get him out of her mind. He lives in her mind, not next door. I wouldn't care if my exes lived next door, they're not in my mind anymore.

 

If she can't get over him EVER, it means she sees him as some kind of a dream man. If she sees this loser as a dream man then the problem is in her, not in the affair. She needs to talk herself into eliminating him; to focus on reality instead of fantasy; to act like a self-respecting grownup, and not like an infatuated teenager. This all applies ONLY if she is unable to get over him in a one-two years time frame. Until then, she needs to suck it up and work through the pain.

[whichwayisup]

RP, their kids play together all the time, especially in the summer. In the not so recent past, FF couldn't walk outside without him in her face. It's going to be extremely hard for her to deal with him, his games, inviting himself over to her house whenever he feels like showing up and knocking on the door.

 

Sure, right now it's easy to avoid him because it's winter..Come the nicer weather, THAT will be the test.

[RecordProducer]

WWIU, all of us who have divorced see our ex-spouses on a regular basis when we exchange kids, we talk on the phone, we argue, we flirt, we hear about their new lovers, etc. I used to do this and it hurt like hell, but two years later I was healed. We all eventually (usually within a couple years) get over. And this is after years of being married, being truly in love, sharing good and bad... People don't move far away or keep NC. They suck it up, they suffer, they gather strength, and move on with their lives.

 

As much as I understand her feelings and accept them as legit, her situation per se is bullsh*t. And she should see that clearly, too. I think she wants to take that road and it shows that she has enough wisdom to go through the process.

[bentnotbroken]

WWIU, all of us who have divorced see our ex-spouses on a regular basis when we exchange kids, we talk on the phone, we argue, we flirt, we hear about their new lovers, etc. I used to do this and it hurt like hell, but two years later I was healed. We all eventually (usually within a couple years) get over. And this is after years of being married, being truly in love, sharing good and bad... People don't move far away or keep NC. They suck it up, they suffer, they gather strength, and move on with their lives.

 

As much as I understand her feelings and accept them as legit, her situation per se is bullsh*t. And she should see that clearly, too. I think she wants to take that road and it shows that she has enough wisdom to go through the process.

 

 

I must be weird because I don't. He could never be my friend.

[RecordProducer]

I must be weird because I don't. He could never be my friend.

Please tell me where you saw the word "friend" or even the connotation to friendship.

 

BTW, My ex and I were friends after I got over him.

[bentnotbroken]

Connotation, something about flirting,talking on the phone and hearing about new lovers. For me that implies some type of friendship. Sorry if I offended.

[NoIDidn't]

If she sees this loser as a dream man then the problem is in her, not in the affair.

 

As much as I understand her feelings and accept them as legit, her situation per se is bullsh*t. And she should see that clearly, too.

 

I agree with this. The problem isn't the affair. I don't even think that the affair is on-going anymore. I think it has probably been over for quite sometime in the real world.

 

I agree that the issue is in her head. And, as for her husband being the sociopathic narcissist that she claims, I think that's in her head too. I could be wrong, but she posts unstable.

 

Fog or not. FF has always posted a little off. Has always gotten really mad and huffed off when reasonable advice was given. Always disappears for a spell and comes back with the same tale. Like she has an overactive imagination of sorts.

 

No offense intended in speaking the truth as I see it here. FF is not a troll, but her posts are getting troll-ish....

[bentnotbroken]

Careful or she will slap you on ignore too.

[NoIDidn't]

Careful or she will slap you on ignore too.

 

 

You say that as if she isn't already ignoring all of the reasonable advice she's been given by most posters to this thread.

[bentnotbroken]

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Meaplus3]

Why do u all think the truth will come out. If i do not engage the antics of my xmm all of the drama will go away. It takes two to play. I simply cannot tell my H because it will only cause him more pain and I honestly do not want to lose him and I know I have no right to say this.

 

I hear what u all are saying , but it is easy to say when it is just words u are saying to someone else that could change their lives as well as children forever. I am curious how many of you would do exactly what you are telling me to do. Maybe I am selfish coward, but everyone makes mistakes and boy did i make a big one I will never forget.

 

Noone around us can tell we are not talking because xmm is always working and he is staying away from me and vice versa. I know engaging him is something I cannot do anymore for any reason!!! The truth is not going to come out because neither of us want to lose our families. I will keep this secret until i die and I am sure he will. I feel guilty and terrible everyday for not telling my husband.

 

I did confess and it lead to MC. However, My marriage was pretty well over long before I got into the ea.I was living with an emotional abuser..so perhaps my case is not a good example.Anyway, Your going to do what you feel is right for you. If you feel that you can live the rest of your life keeping this a secret from your H then so be it. But.. How do you expect to have an honest loving relationship knowing what you did? Just think about that if you will. I feel for ya FF you know I do. But you know.. this has been going on for a couple of years now and your still in limbo. You really need to figure this out so you can have some peace in your life.. it's not healthy. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

Pay Attention- I said my xmm is a sociopath narcissist not my husband.

The A is over becuase I madde it over and up until three weeks ago the xmm wanted to meet. So it still would be ongoing if I wanted it to.

 

 

I agree with this. The problem isn't the affair. I don't even think that the affair is on-going anymore. I think it has probably been over for quite sometime in the real world.

 

I can hear you my posts are not off and for the intelligent and compassionate people most understand what I am trying to convey i.e my thoughts and feelings. I did not know I was being judged on how stable my posts were. Being involved with my xmm was a very unstable situation for me and even though I put myself in it it still was not anything I had done before or knew how to handle.

 

Overactive imagination?

Troll?

 

You guys are really losing it. The only people that have helped me in anyway to get to this point of NC with xmm is wwiu and meaplus. Recently RP has hit the nail on the head and I really appreciate her point of view.

 

 

I agree that the issue is in her head. And, as for her husband being the sociopathic narcissist that she claims, I think that's in her head too. I could be wrong, but she posts unstable.

 

Fog or not. FF has always posted a little off. Has always gotten really mad and huffed off when reasonable advice was given. Always disappears for a spell and comes back with the same tale. Like she has an overactive imagination of sorts.

 

No offense intended in speaking the truth as I see it here. FF is not a troll, but her posts are getting troll-ish....

[NoIDidn't]

Pay Attention- I said my xmm is a sociopath narcissist not my husband.

The A is over becuase I madde it over and up until three weeks ago the xmm wanted to meet. So it still would be ongoing if I wanted it to.

 

My apologies. In my haste, I thought you said it was your husband that was the sociopath.

 

Soooooo......you posted about ending an affair that is already ended then?

[forbidden fruit]

No I posted about what has been going on and what has led me to NC up to this point. My xmm still wants contact and to keep the A going in whatever capacity I am not sure whether that be emotional or physical. Either way I have never been able to do NC and I posting because I am sticking to the NC, that's all.

[NoIDidn't]

Who all of those who remeber my story, it is till ongoing. Letting go has been the hardest thing about this 3 yr ongoing affair. I am married and so is he and we are neighbors, need i say more. I have been in and out of N.C for the last 4 months since my last post. We fight I go N.C. and then we try to be friends and I always revert back to N.C. because I cannot handle it.

We meet to talk about our situation, but nothing more. There has been nothing physical in at least a year. We continue this song and dance because neither of us can let go. Everytime I make good progress he steps back into my life and then we meet, try friends for a week and then I end up not being able to handle it and we are back not talking.

 

The last meeting was yesterday and he says all of his b.s. of not being able to leave becasue he does not want to hurt the kids and that he feels like he is stealing me from my family. He keeps asking me what I want!!

 

He wants to be friends with me for right now, but says things will change when his kids get older. He says being in each others lives is better than not. What is weird is I always tell him I will not meet him and then he says all the right things and I give him the benefit of the doubt. However by the end of the convo it somehow gets turned around and I am taking the crumbs he gives me. He says he wants to be friends and nothing sexual because he cannot handle the guilt. He keeps saying I want sex, and it is me. I however have never said I wanted that. I always said I wanted more. I am so brainwashed. He says he does not want me to hurt and if I cannot handle the friendship thing he will accept me not talking to him.

 

Maybe I have answered my own question. I went to his house for a party and I was doing okay with the help of some alcohol, until his wife tells me they were leaving for a couple of days. Something he forget to tell me, so I left in a hurry. He saw me leave without saying goodbye and called me right away to ask what happened and to apologize for whatever made me so mad.

 

What do u all think?Should I believe him when he says he just wants to be friend nothing more? Is it possible to go back to the way it was us as friend before the A started. Am I being immature and not seeing the big picture? I keep doubting myself that maybe NC is not the be all to end all? He says he does not want to destroy two families, does anyone beleive that? Help!!

 

I dunno, based on your initial post, it sounded like you were still in an EA with him and that NC never sticks and it is still "ongoing".

 

I feel for you because the instability in your position keeps you from making a firm decision. Telling your H is the least of your problems. IMHO.

 

The first thing you need to do is fix your inability to make a good decision and stick to it. Until then, you are wrestling with the wind.

[forbidden fruit]

You are right.

[bentnotbroken]

She likes the drama. She isn't going to stick to it or tell her husband. But in a short while she won't have to.

[Meaplus3]

Pay Attention- I said my xmm is a sociopath narcissist not my husband.

The A is over becuase I madde it over and up until three weeks ago the xmm wanted to meet. So it still would be ongoing if I wanted it to.

 

Well then you need to be strong and stick to NC. Remember FF when I first went into NC with my Xmm neighbor.. it was tough. And what made it the most difficult was the proximity issue. But you know How I delt with that? I stopped looking his way, I changed around my schedule so I did not see him.. and if I happen to it was not as much as normally. I had NO contact with him regarding the kids playing, ended up making those plans through the W. So.. there are ways around this even though he lives right in your face. Now for example, I have not spoken to XMM.. since last Oct. I will have to see him at a party on Christmas eve. Since I'm over it I'm fine with it now.. but one year ago that was not the case. But, I stuck with NC.. came to see him for the player that he was and that's how I got him out of my mind. You just need to stay strong and NC means NC period. Break the cyle girl.. it's time. I have faith in you.

 

AP:)

[lkjh]

She isn't going to stick to NC. She has gone through this several time and she always ends up back with him. Also she keeps saying it was an EA but it was a PA. In her other post she talked about it. She even posted about the fact that the OM can hook up with her and then pretend to be friends with her H. The kicker was she was trying to make him out as a horrible person but yet she was doing this to her H and OM's W. She has been cheating on her H with the OM since 2006 and she always follows this pattern.

[Meaplus3]

She isn't going to stick to NC. She has gone through this several time and she always ends up back with him. Also she keeps saying it was an EA but it was a PA. In her other post she talked about it. She even posted about the fact that the OM can hook up with her and then pretend to be friends with her H. The kicker was she was trying to make him out as a horrible person but yet she was doing this to her H and OM's W. She has been cheating on her H with the OM since 2006 and she always follows this pattern.

 

lkjh, I know her whole story I have been following it since day one. Yes.. she has followed a certain pattern, but I believe she can break that pattern she just has to stick to NC and break the connection with xmm. If she can do that.. then chances are she can can get passed this. JMO.

 

AP:)

[bentnotbroken]

lkjh, I know her whole story I have been following it since day one. Yes.. she has followed a certain pattern, but I believe she can break that pattern she just has to stick to NC and break the connection with xmm. If she can do that.. then chances are she can can get passed this. JMO.

 

AP:)

 

 

You have so much faith in her. More than she has in herself.

[JamesM]

And while I don't have AP's optimism this time, AP knows FF better than I.

 

And sometimes the optimism and support is what can bring someone out of misery and confusion. When everyone else gives up, it is sometimes the support of close friends that causes us to change.

 

Hopefully FF recognizes the advice of a friend and listens.

[pelicanpreacher]

The problem you're having FF is, since you've only provided your husband with the censored and diluted version of your affair with your MM, you believe your husband is purposefully turning a blind eye to the possibility that your affair ever became physical. It is said that you'd better be a genious to commit murder for, with today's forensic technology, any mistake you make in covering up your crime will be the mistake that gets you busted. That said, are you absolutely positively sure that your husband bought your story hook line and sinker regarding the extent of your affair? If not then he may, as another poster noted, be biding his time while collecting evidence to make you dance the "Tarantella" when he's good and ready! Also, the real sword of Damocles hanging over your marriage lies not with your MM but with the financial security his wife provides.

 

No, there is little possibility that she will inform your husband of your PA with her husband for she currently doesn't know about your affair with her's but if another man of her earning ilk charms her enough to spin her head to the point that she divorces your MM or she loses her employment and is forced into bankruptcy and foreclosure then either action may set in motion his anger at you for restoring your marriage by making himself the harbinger of all news not fit to print! A crab at the bottom of a boiling pot will always try to yank down any other crabs trying to escape for it is the nature of the crab!

 

You've already indicated that this unemployed and unemployable guy is a narcissist with anger issues which makes him a loose cannon should his meal ticket cut the gravy train. You'd better hope and pray that his financial security is never put in jeopardy for this crab will make sure that he doesn't boil alone!

[Meaplus3]

You have so much faith in her. More than she has in herself.

 

I do have alot of faith in her becuase I see a woman who still loves her H..(as I have gathered from her many posts) and a woman who has a chance to work at getting that love back and keeping her family together. FF..is better off than I was. I was in an abusive marriage one that was not healthy for myself and my kids. Instead of trying to put an end to the abuse, and do the right thing for myself and children, I only prolonged that by running into the open arms of a mm.. who had zero intentions of having any sort of Relationship with me other than to get his kicks and ego stroked for a short time before he moved on to the next weak pitiful woman to take advantage of. Now looking back, I thank the dear lord that I woke up and did not end up tearing apart an innocent family and ending up with a man who probably would have turned around and did the same thing to me as he did to his W . FF need's to see that what she has at home is so much more than the guy who lives across the street. Her mm does not love her, he's using her as a means of coping with what's missing in his own life. I think FF's chances are stiil good if she can focus on her H and kids and stick to 100% contact with this xmm.

 

 

 

And while I don't have AP's optimism this time, AP knows FF better than I.

 

And sometimes the optimism and support is what can bring someone out of misery and confusion. When everyone else gives up, it is sometimes the support of close friends that causes us to change.

 

Hopefully FF recognizes the advice of a friend and listens.

 

I hope she recognizes it too.