One step forward two steps back

[bentnotbroken]

I do have alot of faith in her becuase I see a woman who still loves her H..(as I have gathered from her many posts) and a woman who has a chance to work at getting that love back and keeping her family together. FF..is better off than I was. I was in an abusive marriage one that was not healthy for myself and my kids. Instead of trying to put an end to the abuse, and do the right thing for myself and children, I only prolonged that by running into the open arms of a mm.. who had zero intentions of having any sort of Relationship with me other than to get his kicks and ego stroked for a short time before he moved on to the next weak pitiful woman to take advantage of. Now looking back, I thank the dear lord that I woke up and did not end up tearing apart an innocent family and ending up with a man who probably would have turned around and did the same thing to me as he did to his W . FF need's to see that what she has at home is so much more than the guy who lives across the street. Her mm does not love her, he's using her as a means of coping with what's missing in his own life. I think FF's chances are stiil good if she can focus on her H and kids and stick to 100% contact with this xmm.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope she recognizes it too.

 

 

God has placed you in her life.

[lkjh]

Meaplus3,

it really is great that you have such a positive out look but I have to ask what do you see that says she loves her H. For years her only focus on here has been the OM. Even when she talks bad about him she was focusing on whether or not he wants to be with her. In her first thread she posted how she was in love with the guy and ready to leave her H. She didn't say anything good about her H until she realize the OM wasn't going to leave his wife. She writes as if her H is her back up not her husband,

[Meaplus3]

Ikjh, You know perhaps I better not speak for FF. I'll just say that I believe she is a good hearted person and I have faith in her to get passed this A with xmm and get her life back on track. As to why I think she still loves her H? Well if she didn't then why would she be trying so hard to not contact this xmm? Seems to me she's just having trouble making him stay away. I dunno..Just a guess.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

Not having a good day. Just saw xmm and ran the other way. Yesterday my h invited their kids over to play and I just continuing working.

[Owl]

Again, how do you see this leading to recovery? When you're FORCED to be around him because you refuse to consider telling your H the truth...when you KNOW you're going to see him everyday since he's your next door neighbor...I think you'd better plan on days like today being the rest of your life, unless you actually CHANGE something.

 

This is just exactly what you can expect your life to remain like...until you do something to change the situation.

 

Not trying to be harsh...but I wanted you to clearly see this as a result of your choice not to take action to fix things here.

[whichwayisup]

So you saw him, don't make a big deal of it. You don't want the A anymore, you don't want his friendship, so look at it like this - He's just a neighbour now. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no point in letting this get to you because you're going to run into him on occasion and if your intention really is to get over him completely, then don't give HIM the power to ruin your day. Make sense?

[Meaplus3]

Not having a good day. Just saw xmm and ran the other way. Yesterday my h invited their kids over to play and I just continuing working.

 

Good for you running the other way. But you have me confusd here. Why does it still bother you to see him if you claim you want to be out of the A and remain in NC??

 

AP:)

[bentnotbroken]

Good for you running the other way. But you have me confusd here. Why does it still bother you to see him if you claim you want to be out of the A and remain in NC??

 

AP:)

 

 

 

UUUHHHH HHHHUUUUHHHH:confused:

[forbidden fruit]

thank u so much wwiu and meaplus3 u guys are the best. I want to be out of the A, but seeing him triggers anxiety feelings almost a panic attack, not feelings of I want to get back into the A. When I see him I feel shame of what i have done and guilt towards what I have done to my H. It seems during our A I was on a self destructive path. I see things differently now and I appreciate what I have.

 

I see this Nc as a second chance I was given with my family. He represents how my lack of judgement almost destroyed my life. Everytime I have done NC he has said I am being selfish and that we should be able to be friends. He says I am being immature and sometime it is possible to go back. He said all u want to do is hate me because he cannot give me what I want. I see all that now is B.S. hence I will not feel guilty for finally taking care of me and the rest he can deal with. I will not relieve of him his guilt he has. I have enough of my own. So yes in answer to your question seeing him still bothers me.

[forbidden fruit]

First off my xmm is not unemloyed. He actually has a good paying job. His wife is expected to get alot of money from inheritance and I mean alot. So much they will never have to work another day in their life and will probably buy alot of toys. The chances of her dumping him for another man is slim to none. She likes her situation. She thinks she is in control because she controls the money and he is living in her house. He is her lap dog.

 

He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself if she left him, but he has his eye on the big prize and that is why he will never leave!! He will cheat again and maybe she will know about, but she will never leave him and he will never leave her unless she goes broke, but it is very unlikely that will happen. I know never say never.

 

The problem you're having FF is, since you've only provided your husband with the censored and diluted version of your affair with your MM, you believe your husband is purposefully turning a blind eye to the possibility that your affair ever became physical. It is said that you'd better be a genious to commit murder for, with today's forensic technology, any mistake you make in covering up your crime will be the mistake that gets you busted. That said, are you absolutely positively sure that your husband bought your story hook line and sinker regarding the extent of your affair? If not then he may, as another poster noted, be biding his time while collecting evidence to make you dance the "Tarantella" when he's good and ready! Also, the real sword of Damocles hanging over your marriage lies not with your MM but with the financial security his wife provides.

 

No, there is little possibility that she will inform your husband of your PA with her husband for she currently doesn't know about your affair with her's but if another man of her earning ilk charms her enough to spin her head to the point that she divorces your MM or she loses her employment and is forced into bankruptcy and foreclosure then either action may set in motion his anger at you for restoring your marriage by making himself the harbinger of all news not fit to print! A crab at the bottom of a boiling pot will always try to yank down any other crabs trying to escape for it is the nature of the crab!

 

You've already indicated that this unemployed and unemployable guy is a narcissist with anger issues which makes him a loose cannon should his meal ticket cut the gravy train. You'd better hope and pray that his financial security is never put in jeopardy for this crab will make sure that he doesn't boil alone!

[lkjh]

Meaplus, she runs because she enjoys the drama like a 15 year old girl. She pretends hating to see him just like earlier when she pretended being disgusted with him for what he was doing to her family and then she ran back to him.

[Meaplus3]

Meaplus, she runs because she enjoys the drama like a 15 year old girl. She pretends hating to see him just like earlier when she pretended being disgusted with him for what he was doing to her family and then she ran back to him.

 

She may have long ago.. but then who doesn't? Part of the allure of an A is the Drama and excitement. FF now seems to want that behind her this time for good.

 

AP:)

[Owl]

She may have long ago.. but then who doesn't? Part of the allure of an A is the Drama and excitement. FF now seems to want that behind her this time for good.

 

AP:)

 

How does she get to that point when the guy lives next door to her? When her H invites him over, because he doesn't know that the two of them have been sleeping together all this time?

 

That's the disconnect I still don't get.

 

There's NOT any true NC here. There can't be, until something changes the situation.

 

And from my experience, there's no true hope of marital recovery either.

[Meaplus3]

Owl, I agree with everything that you said here. Honestly, I think that FF should tell her H and I have mentioned that to her in previous post's.But, it seems like thats not the route she wants to take. So, the only advice I can offer her is to stay in NC with this xmm. I must have missed the part where her H was inviting xmm over. If that is whats going on, then I'm not sure what to say about that. I could see how in that scenerio it would make ending this mess pretty darn difficult.

 

AP:)

[NoIDidn't]

Owl, I agree with everything that you said here. Honestly, I think that FF should tell her H and I have mentioned that to her in previous post's.But, it seems like thats not the route she wants to take. So, the only advice I can offer her is to stay in NC with this xmm. I must have missed the part where her H was inviting xmm over. If that is whats going on, then I'm not sure what to say about that. I could see how in that scenerio it would make ending this mess pretty darn difficult.

 

AP:)

 

I think she is just afraid that her husband is going to react badly and doesn't think she can handle that.

 

Or maybe she is afraid that her husband will then turn around and tell OM's W and she can't handle the thought of being confronted for her poor behavior.

 

Either way, whenever her husband and kids do find out, there will be hell to pay.

 

But this is what gets me. The thinking that the kids don't know what's going on. They do. They might not have a name for it right now, but they will later. And when they do.....the level of disrespect that is waiting for FF is nothing compared to the confrontation that she now fears.

 

Losing our children's respect has to be the biggest fear of every parent.

[LovieDove24]

YIKES LADY....

 

All I did was click on your profile to see the threads you've started and seems like half of them are titled "Step backwards" or "Together again after 4 months NC." These posts are going back years it seems.

 

This no contact thing hasnt worked in the past, tell me, what is different about it this time? At one point you went 4 months without talking to him and here you are right back in the same spot.

 

In your situation I'm sorry but I just dont think self control is going to cut it. Where has this gotten you in the past? You have admitted you are addicted now there is nothing wrong with admitting you have no control over your addiction. Admitting you are powerless over the addiction is the first step to recovery as those folks over in AA say. Please admit self controlled NC WONT work and find a different solution.

[bentnotbroken]

YIKES LADY....

 

All I did was click on your profile to see the threads you've started and seems like half of them are titled "Step backwards" or "Together again after 4 months NC." These posts are going back years it seems.

 

This no contact thing hasnt worked in the past, tell me, what is different about it this time? At one point you went 4 months without talking to him and here you are right back in the same spot.

 

In your situation I'm sorry but I just dont think self control is going to cut it. Where has this gotten you in the past? You have admitted you are addicted now there is nothing wrong with admitting you have no control over your addiction. Admitting you are powerless over the addiction is the first step to recovery as those folks over in AA say. Please admit self controlled NC WONT work and find a different solution.

 

 

Yep, 2 years worth of NC, no wonder no one believes her when she professes her strength this time. She has helped to drag 2 families through the mud and still she is into herself.

[forbidden fruit]

Why can't this be the time? Don't u think this is my enough point. Everyone has one. My friends and family who know xmm and who i have been confiding to this whole time seem to think xmm is playing a game. He stays away because he know everytime I come back and confront him .He wants to say it was me coming back, but really that what was he wanted all along. Which is for me to come back and say see I told u this is what I wanted.

 

They say the best thing for me to do is continue NC and not engage in the slightest and when he finally realizes I am not coming back then it will be over. In my eyes it is over, but I think he thinks I will be back if he makes me angry enough. I will not let him get to me and I deserve to be happy. So the answer to your question is u can kick the habit and for me it has been the hardest thing I have ever done-hence the breaking of NC a gazillion times.

 

I know u all think I am weak, but i am only weak when it comes to this situation. Not everyone is strong in all aspects of their life. I guess my xmm represents something that has been brewing inside myself for some time, some unresolved issues. I just allowed him to tap into them.

[lkjh]

I love how this always gets deeper. Now she admits others know about the affair and somehow its going to stay private. Ya people never gossip.

[forbidden fruit]

The only people who know is my bf and my mother. Can I not post anything without people picking apart :mad:everything I say and trashing me.

[bentnotbroken]

I love how this always gets deeper. Now she admits others know about the affair and somehow its going to stay private. Ya people never gossip.

 

 

Didn't she say she put you on ignore with me?

[NoIDidn't]

The only people who know is my bf and my mother. Can I not post anything without people picking apart :mad:everything I say and trashing me.

 

There is no "only" when it comes to secrets. That's two too many people knowing besides you and your MM.

 

Better hope they don't develop loose lips.

[LovieDove24]

FF,

 

You have said throughout the posts on here that :

 

1) You are addicted

2) Weak when it comes to xmm

3) You have no support to walk you through this b/c no one else knows

 

All of these things are recipe for disaster. I'm sorry but they just are. There is nothing wrong with being weak in certain situations. Like you said, we ALL are. We all have our hot buttons. We all make awful awful mistakes.

 

The difference here is your use of the word 'addicted.' Addiction cannot be overcome by sheer willpower alone. You need support, you need guidance, you need forgiveness from those you have hurt....you need ALL of that. Until these things happen no real change can occur. It is merely surface stuff at this point...you're shoving down feelings and just delaying the eruption till a later date.

 

Not trying to be cruel, just trying to give some perspective.

[Owl]

I agree with AM...your comment..."I know u all think I am weak, but i am only weak when it comes to this situation." sums it all up.

 

All we're talking about IS this situation.

 

And...you're NOT in NC with him.

 

He's your neighbor. You saw him yesterday. That is NOT NC...at all. It is, at MOST, a "limited contact" situation.

 

It doesn't really do anything to end the situation.

 

Nothing will, as long as you have ANY contact with him. That's the #1 reason why you're STILL struggling with this, after two years of trying to quit.

 

When you REALLY decide to end things, you're going to have to take all the actions that everyone has suggested to you for those last two years. Anything less is going to leave you right where you're at...as you've seen for those last two years.

 

Why do YOU think that your efforts to end things all this time have failed? I suspect it's because you've not followed the "standard" method for ending an affair...you've tried it 'your own way' all these times...and failed miserably for that.

 

Since your methods haven't worked to date...why NOT consider the advice you've received on this site?

[Meaplus3]

Why can't this be the time? Don't u think this is my enough point. Everyone has one. My friends and family who know xmm and who i have been confiding to this whole time seem to think xmm is playing a game. He stays away because he know everytime I come back and confront him .He wants to say it was me coming back, but really that what was he wanted all along. Which is for me to come back and say see I told u this is what I wanted.

 

They say the best thing for me to do is continue NC and not engage in the slightest and when he finally realizes I am not coming back then it will be over. In my eyes it is over, but I think he thinks I will be back if he makes me angry enough. I will not let him get to me and I deserve to be happy. So the answer to your question is u can kick the habit and for me it has been the hardest thing I have ever done-hence the breaking of NC a gazillion times.

 

I know u all think I am weak, but i am only weak when it comes to this situation. Not everyone is strong in all aspects of their life. I guess my xmm represents something that has been brewing inside myself for some time, some unresolved issues. I just allowed him to tap into them.

 

Perhaps it can be the time FF, but YOU have to truely want that. No diddle,daddle back and forth anymore. If the best you can do right now is limited contact since he is your neighbor, then your going to have to run with that and see how it goes. If it's not working and you want to live happily ever after with peace of mind then bare all to your H. And third if the first two don't work then up and move.

 

AP:)