One step forward two steps back

[SierraRose]

I now know why i wasn't posting, thanks but not thanks. There are only a few of you and you know who u are who have provided me with any really support. The rest of you are bitter and angry. Thanks for not caring this is not a support forum it is lynch mob.

 

I have read thru most of these posts. You have gotten some great advice, you have choosen not to take it. This is not a lynch mob; problem is you aren't being told what you want to hear.

 

IMO, I think what you really want to hear is justification of the A.

 

Your situation is a mess. The only way out is to completely remove yourself from it. As long as you and MM are neighbors, this saga will continue.....

[bentnotbroken]

I have read thru most of these posts. You have gotten some great advice, you have choosen not to take it. This is not a lynch mob; problem is you aren't being told what you want to hear.

 

IMO, I think what you really want to hear is justification of the A.

 

Your situation is a mess. The only way out is to completely remove yourself from it. As long as you and MM are neighbors, this saga will continue.....

 

 

Exactly what she wants.....the drama to continue. She isn't going to change anything. She won't stop until everyone she loves hates her guts.

[forbidden fruit]

I thik not so far back i wanted justification of the affair, but right now is that I wish I would never have to see my xmm again. In the meantime I am looking into moving. My kids and his kids have been good friends foor the last three years so our lives are interwined right now. Thank goodness he has been at work for the last week and if I oonly have to have limited contact then that is what I will do and pretend he is nobody to me. Mind over matter.

 

 

I have read thru most of these posts. You have gotten some great advice, you have choosen not to take it. This is not a lynch mob; problem is you aren't being told what you want to hear.

 

IMO, I think what you really want to hear is justification of the A.

 

Your situation is a mess. The only way out is to completely remove yourself from it. As long as you and MM are neighbors, this saga will continue.....

[Owl]

The problem here FF is that you're dealing with an addiction. And you're not recognizing that fact.

 

But it really is that simple, and that 'oversight' on your part is why every attempt you've made to date to change things has failed.

 

You're trying to treat this as something you can overcome entirely on your own, with no external help or change in the circumstances.

 

If you start treating this as it REALLY is...an addiction...you'll make real headway.

 

You don't just beat an addiction with "mind over matter"...although that plays a PART in it.

 

You beat an addiction by completely removing that addiction from your life, and by taking STRONG, PROACTIVE measures to prevent getting your "fix".

 

You've done none of those things, and this is why you continually fall back into the addiction/affair.

 

When you really and truly hit rock bottom, hopefully you'll do as many addicts do...and reach to your loved ones for help.

 

I hope that day comes soon for you, my friend. It will mark the first real step towards healing.

[forbidden fruit]

He's back home and I am miserable. I am so busy with work and the kids,but when I stepped out of my car and he was across the street I got a panic attack and almost threw up. I immediately went into my house and did not look back.

[bentnotbroken]

He's back home and I am miserable. I am so busy with work and the kids,but when I stepped out of my car and he was across the street I got a panic attack and almost threw up. I immediately went into my house and did not look back.

 

 

 

You are so in over your head. And you don't have enough back bone to get yourself some professional help.

[Meaplus3]

He's back home and I am miserable. I am so busy with work and the kids,but when I stepped out of my car and he was across the street I got a panic attack and almost threw up. I immediately went into my house and did not look back.

 

If just simply seeing him is making you this upset then moving might just be your best best right now. Why are you still looking FF? This whole thing is really not healthy for you dear. You really need to make a decesion here before you drive yourself insane.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

He's back home and I am miserable. I am so busy with work and the kids,but when I stepped out of my car and he was across the street I got a panic attack and almost threw up. I immediately went into my house and did not look back.

 

Why are you miserable? Think about it. What exactly makes you miserable that he's back home.

So WHAT if you saw him. The A is over, right? You saw you him a distance as you stepped out of your car. Again, so what? Seriously, this is how you HAVE to deal with this now.

 

Why did you have the panic attack and feel like throwing up? Did you get a rush of feelings? Did just seeing him make you angry? Start asking yourself 'why' you are feeling the way you are, what the purpose is of allowing your body to have such a reaction like that and ruin your day.

 

TELL yourself, "big deal, so I saw him." It doesn't matter as he is NOT in my life anymore.

[Owl]

FF, once again...nothing has changed.

 

He's home...you're miserable...BECAUSE YOUR MIND IS STILL IN THE AFFAIR.

 

The problem isn't what you think it is.

 

The problem is...you're not miserable ENOUGH.

 

You need to get miserable enough to DO SOMETHING about the situation, rather than just sit there accepting it.

 

I look forward to the day that you're that miserable. I look forward to the day that your H finds out the truth...not because you'll be hurting...not at all.

 

I look forward to that day because that will be your FIRST REAL STEP towards actually recovering from all of this. It'll be the first time that you've moved FORWARD...and it'll be your first step in healing.

 

You clearly do not have the willpower to make the changes you need to...so I hope that something else happens to trigger those changes.

[forbidden fruit]

For once I would like to post without anybody passing judgement and just let me write what I feel. So here it goes. Yesterday I worked all day and when I came home my kids were at xmm house. My husband had let them go over there. So when my h left do some errands I had to go get them. I waited till xmm was outside so I did not have to go inside his house. It was like he was sitting there waiting for me holding a beer thinking I was going to chat it up with him. Instead paralyzed by anxiety I did not even look up.

 

I got my children and he is trying to talk to me through his daughter, but I do not look up and walk across the street.

 

I came home and breathed into a paper bag-hyperventilating. Well after I calmed down I was glad I did not say anything to him.

 

I guess I did not mean anything to him because he is going on like totally casual seeing me and no big deal. I think he actually expected me to chat it up with him. He is like business as usual.

[bentnotbroken]

Judgement huh? People tell you what you don't want to hear and you call it judgement. Does it make you feel better to say"people are judging me" while you are ignoring the right thing to do ? Interesting. You are blame shifting, making it all the MM. You are gas-lighting your H, by lying to him. And you are still in the fog of fantasy land.

[lkjh]

Nobody is judging you; just re-read your post. You two are still using your KIDS to stay in touch. How do you possibly see this turning out? Stop disrespecting your family so horribly.

[JamesM]

I have to say that while I think many good solutions have been presented here, daily living for you must be difficult.

 

Living next door to the man to whom you still are addicted or with whom you are in love would be very difficult. I know that if my next door neighbor (a young somewhat sexy blonde) and I had a thing for each other, then it would be very difficult not to go over and continue things with her. And for her, she would know my every move and know when she could get my attention. This would be hard for me.

 

It is like telling an alcoholic that he or she must never drink again, and then be certain at unexpected times to put a can of beer in his or her hand.

 

I do empathize with you. And truthfully, I do not think you will ever get over this MM until you move away from him, or he moves away from you. Period. Any attempts at NC or any pretense of disinterest will not succeed IMO because he is always there.

 

If you did not care for him, then all of his actions would have no effect on you.

 

Have you ever considered that he is actually trying to get over you? Perhaps he is only attempting to be friends?

[Owl]

Again...I don't know who's "judging" you.

 

I'm explaining in very point blank terms why you're going through all of this.

 

It's very simple.

 

There is a solution.

 

It's not an EASY solution, but let's face it, this is a horrible situation that's been created...THERE ARE NO EASY FIXES HERE.

 

I'm not judging you when I say that nothing will get better as long as the situation remains the same.

 

I'm not judging you when I tell you that the only person who has the power to change the situation is you.

 

This has to hurt...but the only thing holding you IN this situation is you. That's not a "judgement against you" either...it's simply where things are at the moment. You're the only one who can make a change...and you're not doing so. That's why you're still in the same pain, the same hurt, the same stress that you've been in for the longest time.

 

And you're going to stay in that boat until you decide to do something about it.

 

Again...I really do look forward to the day when you finally decide to take action to make a change. No one hear LIKES seeing you miserable, or feels that you deserve it. We're just telling you that it's within your power to do something about it.

 

Tell your H...find a way to move away from OM.

 

You can't heal when everyday rips the scabs back off the wound when you see OM.

 

You need to get away from the situation so that you CAN heal.

[White Flower]

I like the way he makes me feel period when I am with him. When I am not with him that is a different story. My H and i were doing tons better until mm and I met. I really can't say what it is about the mm that makes me feel like a teenager in love for the first time. All I know that feeling is very addictive. I am sure it is the same for him and that is why neither of us can let go because we are both addicted.

FF, I really feel for you. And sometimes I am not sure whether it is an addiction or just pure love. I don't want to confuse you any more than you are, but if you cannot get over this guy then it might be worth doing as he fears and both couples should separate.

 

You just might find that you actually miss your H! And things could work out with your M. Or, if this is really love (between you and MM) and you are really right for each other then it will grow. But staying put and having contact is obviously destroying you.

 

I know of a MM who had a MW. It lasted for 20 years. They created ways of being together (so that it looked like business) and it later fell apart. His W and M won in the end and the MOW (Married Other Woman) is now devastated. I hope you don't end up like her.

 

Best of luck,

WF.

[forbidden fruit]

Maybe he is trying to get over me just as I am trying to get over him.

 

The friends thing is BS because that is what he said in the beginning he just wanted to be friends but his version of friends is fwb and also who tells their friend that they love them and want to move away with them.

 

Friends that are more than friends. The friends thing is a lame worn out excuse he uses to not take responsibility or change in my opinion.

 

I have to say that while I think many good solutions have been presented here, daily living for you must be difficult.

 

Living next door to the man to whom you still are addicted or with whom you are in love would be very difficult. I know that if my next door neighbor (a young somewhat sexy blonde) and I had a thing for each other, then it would be very difficult not to go over and continue things with her. And for her, she would know my every move and know when she could get my attention. This would be hard for me.

 

It is like telling an alcoholic that he or she must never drink again, and then be certain at unexpected times to put a can of beer in his or her hand.

 

I do empathize with you. And truthfully, I do not think you will ever get over this MM until you move away from him, or he moves away from you. Period. Any attempts at NC or any pretense of disinterest will not succeed IMO because he is always there.

 

If you did not care for him, then all of his actions would have no effect on you.

 

Have you ever considered that he is actually trying to get over you? Perhaps he is only attempting to be friends?

[Meaplus3]

For once I would like to post without anybody passing judgement and just let me write what I feel.

 

I guess I did not mean anything to him because he is going on like totally casual seeing me and no big deal. I think he actually expected me to chat it up with him. He is like business as usual.

 

If he is not paying attention to you then hes probably doing what he can to get over the A. Did you ever think of that? Now IMO that's a step in the right direction.

 

FF, look this is a tough spot to be in and the only way it's going to get better is if you can get past your feelings for him. I know I was there once and I never thought it was possible to get over the guy nextdoor but I did. As to how your going to do that? Well so many have given you suggestions so try and think about some of them and perhaps you will figure out the best way out of this. Also, I don't think anyone is out to judge you.IMO we are all just trying to help. Keep your chin up girl.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he is trying to get over me just as I am trying to get over him.

 

But FF, isn't that a good thing? You seem disappointed about that??

 

The friends thing is BS because that is what he said in the beginning he just wanted to be friends but his version of friends is fwb and also who tells their friend that they love them and want to move away with them.

And now you know no friendship can ever happen between you two. Not even as an aquaintance.

 

Friends that are more than friends. The friends thing is a lame worn out excuse he uses to not take responsibility or change in my opinion.

What do you mean take responsibility? Or change? Towards you or in general?

 

At the end of the day this is it. You two are not friends, there's no affair, no friendship, nothing, it's over. Done. What he thinks, feels, says, does - DOES NOT MATTER anymore and it's time for you my sweet FF to stop thinking about what he is thinking or the why's/how's etc.. It just doesn't matter. Make yourself stop and set yourself free from him completely.

[whichwayisup]

I came home and breathed into a paper bag-hyperventilating. Well after I calmed down I was glad I did not say anything to him.

 

Let me ask, what was it that gave you the actual anxiety? Feelings for him still? Unsaid words? Not knowing for sure what he is thinking? Is he playing a game or has he moved on and it hurts that he can act like nothing ever happened and it's no big deal? I'm trying to understand WHY you're having such physical reactions towards him and having anxiety, jittery feelings over this.

 

I guess I did not mean anything to him because he is going on like totally casual seeing me and no big deal. I think he actually expected me to chat it up with him. He is like business as usual.

 

He is doing what you're trying to do but in a different way. He knows the A is over and there's no friendship. I'm not sure how you expect him to react? Or not react?

[forbidden fruit]

first off he oes not know the A is over because he was not the one who ended it. He is still mad I did not meet him.

 

The reason I feel anxiety is because I always feel like he is looking for a way in .

 

He is looking from any sign from me that it is okay to approach me or get me mad at him. I have anxiety because right now I am strong enough to stop those games. One day I will be but not right now.

 

Yesterday was his way of testing me to see where I was at. I get anxiety because he is unpredictable.

 

He wanted me to see he was still drinking and when he is drinking he is unpredictable. Most of our problems started because he was drinking or drunk.

 

No he does not know the A is over and no he still thinks there is a chance for friendship

 

 

Let me ask, what was it that gave you the actual anxiety? Feelings for him still? Unsaid words? Not knowing for sure what he is thinking? Is he playing a game or has he moved on and it hurts that he can act like nothing ever happened and it's no big deal? I'm trying to understand WHY you're having such physical reactions towards him and having anxiety, jittery feelings over this.

 

 

 

He is doing what you're trying to do but in a different way. He knows the A is over and there's no friendship. I'm not sure how you expect him to react? Or not react?

[whichwayisup]

No he does not know the A is over and no he still thinks there is a chance for friendship

 

I'm calling bullcrap on this one. OFCOURSE he knows the A is over and that you two can't be friends...BUT, that won't stop him from trying to push it, play games with you. IF he truly believes that the A is still ongoing, he's very retarded.

 

Let him try to look in and see if he can push you..He's going to do that anyway, like it or not, so FF, you need to take control and continue to tell yourself over and over in your mind "I DON'T care anymore. F**k it!" Say it until you believe it.

[Owl]

Have you not TOLD him that the affair is over?

 

Have you not made it crystal clear in word and in actions?

 

If not...then you are the one that's still holding the door open for him.

 

Think about that.

 

He'll keep 'hoping' or 'pushing' for as long as he thinks he's got a chance.

 

What is it that is telling him that he still has a chance?

[forbidden fruit]

You are so right. For the life of me I cannot figure out what I want from him. Why would I keep the door open.

 

I have made it clear through words and actions that is done, but I guess he will always try if he thinks there is a possibility.

 

I am not sure what I am doing that he thinks he can still talk to me. Maybe because after months I have always caved.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe because after months I have always caved.

 

Yes this is it exactly. And, if you continue to keep NC with him, ignore him and go about your own life, eventually he'll see this time you DO intend on keeping your word, that the A is over and there is NO friendship. DO NOT cave.

[Meaplus3]

You are so right. For the life of me I cannot figure out what I want from him. Why would I keep the door open.

 

I have made it clear through words and actions that is done, but I guess he will always try if he thinks there is a possibility.

 

I am not sure what I am doing that he thinks he can still talk to me. Maybe because after months I have always caved.

 

Now be firm and don't show him there is any possibility of anything ever. Let him view you as simply a neighbor and you do the same. Take it from me FF it can be back to that! Strict NC.. no wishy washy.. back and forth stuff. And most important, STOP giving a C**** what he thinks!! Your better than this and you have a family to think about.

Hugs.

 

AP:)