RonaldBrown Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 I'm a 36 year old man who is married to a woman that I've been with for 13 years, with 3 of them being married. We have a series of issues. The top ones for me are: She doesn't really communicate. Rarely initiates conversations unless they interest her and doesn't listen when I talk about things. She admits this is a problem though hasn't really been able to do anything to fix it. We do not share interests. Other than some outdoor activities, a love for dogs and some very minor things, we have little in common. We also have very different views on wanting children. We tried to conceive a year ago and thankfully failed. I know that sounds callous, but I'm happier that we didn't bring a child into this world for where I feel this marriage is heading. My wife blames me for a lot of the problems in the marriage. She says I have pushed her to make decisions and she resents the relationship I have with my family. She thinks I put the world above her which up until a few months ago was not the truth by any means. Here is where it gets complicated. 9 months ago, I met a woman at a book store and started talking to her. First online and then in person. We actually met in person, but exchanged screen names and began to talk every day. She and I get along well - I never use the word perfectly as there is no such thing. She shares a lot of my interests and is geniunely interested in what I have to say, as I am with her. We hang on each others every word. I've always talked to other women, never to form a sexual relationship, but I was always looking to fill the void that my relationship with my wife created in my life. I want someone who has an opinion, I want someone to nicely tell me when I'm wrong. I want someone to butt heads with me when I deserve it. This OW is a successful, independent woman. She isn't in the relationship with me to be a "homewrecker" she is in in because she wants to be with me. She always reminds me that while it will kill the two of us, there is an "easy out" if things with my wife and I either repair or if I can't handle the guilt. My wife and I are currently in counseling. We aren't making a lot of progress and my wife constantly threatens to leave. I've offered her a pretty sizable settlement from the beginning as I feel very guilty for wanting to be happy and with someone who makes me happy. Am I just trading up? Do I owe my wife more or would she be better suited with someone who better meets her needs, and the same for me? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Since there are no children involved, I understand your relief. And because of that it would be easier for both yourself and your wife to move on. In your post, you spend a great amount of detail stating the various flaws in your wife that have led you to seek companionship elsewhere. This A is in no way her fault...you understand that right? She has contributed to problems in the marriage, ok, but your actions are yours. This betrayal can in no way be contrived as her fault. Own it for what it is. You and W are attending MC I assume in an attempt to fix some problems in your M. Unless the affair is being discussed in MC - this just MAGNIFIES the betrayal. If you are considering staying with your wife, continue the MC or the A , but how can you do both?? Possibly you and your W have fallen out of love, maybe it is too late to save the marriage...but what kind of a person betrays his wife, and further, leads her to believe MC can improve the marriage, while continuing the betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldBrown Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 I never said cheating, betrayal (unless you consider talking to be betrayal) or other. I can see how that could be misread now that I re-read my post, but it is a completely platonic relationship at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Ronald , Infidelity takes many forms. In fact, what some people see as infidelity others may not. Some are more hurt by emotional affairs than by physical (me for example). Others, consider so much as looking at porn a betrayal impossible to forgive. I guess what makes infidelity or betrayal cheating is the fact that it is secret. A relationship of any kind that is intentionally kept as a secret from your spouse. If you are keeping your romantic thoughts about your friend secret, if you are keeping the fact that you are considering leaving your wife, if you are considering moving this emotional affair to a physical one, its all cheating to someone. If you havent yet dicussed any of these things with your wife - then clearly you know it is cheating to her. So far, in your posts you have justified your actions and said your just friends with the OW. What is this, practice for you? If it is...thats ok too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldBrown Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 That really does make a lot of sense and I guess I always felt I was doing the right thing by keeping it "hands-off." Which I will continue to do. Do we sound doomed otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 LOL. Ronald, my friend, you sound intelligent, articulate, and somewhat sensitive. But seriously, your missing something here. "...This OW is a successful, independent woman. She isn't in the relationship with me to be a "homewrecker" she is in in because she wants to be with me. She always reminds me that while it will kill the two of us, there is an "easy out" if things with my wife and I either repair or if I can't handle the guilt." You are having a relationship with OW. It IS an affair. "Things" with your wife are simply not going to be repaired unless you stop the affair while trying to solve these other "things" with your wife. Come on. I mean, Ronald, I dont care one way or the other - but at least see the facts as they are...you are anonymous, this is a support forum... My wife and I are currently in counseling. We aren't making a lot of progress (what a surprise) and my wife constantly threatens to leave. (Is she frustrated and unable to put her finger on whats bothering her?)I've offered her a pretty sizable settlement from the beginning as I feel very guilty for wanting to be happy and with someone who makes me happy. Am I just trading up? Do I owe my wife more or would she be better suited with someone who better meets her needs, and the same for me? Ronald your wife is being asked in MC to solve problems, make decisions, and affect HER life - ALL WITHOUT HAVING KNOWLEDGE OF A PRETTY IMPORTANT ISSUE. Doesnt sound right does it? Well, thats because its wrong. Thats why I say it is far worse than the affair itself. Is your marriage doomed?? Geez, I'm just a little black dress on line, what do I know. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Don't ever leave a relationship for someone else. Leave the relationship if there is abuse, incompatibility or the unwillingness to want to fix things. Did you have any of these thoughts before you met this other woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldBrown Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 Yes, there were serious problems before that. The lack of communication was always a huge one. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Ronald, I want to concur what people are saying. With the OW in the picture, your marriage has ZERO chance. Any efforts are your part with her in the picture are merely for show to relieve you of guilt and blame. But OW = death of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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