busting my wife's affair

[65tr6]

i found out that my wife has an affair with OM. They work for different companies. Will it help if i call up the HR where the OM works or stop by and see the HR manager ? or should i confront the OM directly or indirectly ?

[Owl]

You didn't post enough information for anyone to understand the situation.

 

How does the work situation come into play with the affair?

 

What's currently going on? How long has the affair gone on? What's your marital/family situation? Etc...

[65tr6]

Sorry. We have been married for 10 years. My wife had the affair for about 1 year. When i confronted her she admitted everything and now she still has strong feelings for the OM. The affair has ended, for now anyway. I want her back. I am completely devastated. We have a little son who has no clue what is going on. I found out everything about the OM, where he works, how long he has been working.

[Geishawhelk]

And how on earth do you think doing any such thing would help?

Your focus should be to concentrate on the issue between you and your wife.

leave the OM and his HR department out of it for now.

You have enough on your plate as it is.

[65tr6]

And how on earth do you think doing any such thing would help?

Your focus should be to concentrate on the issue between you and your wife.

leave the OM and his HR department out of it for now.

You have enough on your plate as it is.

 

thought that might scare the hell of the OM and leave my wife alone. But you are right. I am focussing on the issue between me and my wife right now. I guess i just got to learn to be patient and work through this. Not proving to be that simple.

[Bryanp]

She has been having an affair for a year now. It seems like a long time. Clearly she has become quite good about lying and cheating on you. Seek counseling and decide whether you wish to give it another try. How do you think your wife's attitude would be if the roles were reversed?

 

It is essential for you to contact the OM's wife or girlfriend. Exposure is essential. If you do not expose the affair then you are giving the OM a message that there are no consequences for him to screw your married wife for a year.

In addition, make sure you and your wife get tested for STD's. The sad part is that she put your health at risk for STD's for a year.

[65tr6]

. Seek counseling and decide whether you wish to give it another try. .

i am willing to give another try

 

.

How do you think your wife's attitude would be if the roles were reversed?

.

 

she says she would have been upset

 

.

It is essential for you to contact the OM's wife or girlfriend.

.

 

not married i dont know if he has any girl friend

 

 

.

In addition, make sure you and your wife get tested for STD's. The sad part is that she put your health at risk for STD's for a year.

got it.

 

Question ? Should i confront him myself directly or send him a note ?

[Geishawhelk]

No. You get her to send him the note.

She also tells him that she is in MC with you, and that it's over between them. She has to establish complete NC or it simply will not move forward.

[Bryanp]

I think you have to ask yourself if you can restrain your temper if you see him personally. If on the other hand, you think you can then let him know there will be consequences to his actions. You may also wish to get information about whether he ever came to your home and other facts. I have to ask you why would you wish to be with a spouse who would be having sex with another man behind your back for an entire year and betraying you in such a horrible way? Good luck.

[65tr6]

No. You get her to send him the note.

She also tells him that she is in MC with you, and that it's over between them. She has to establish complete NC or it simply will not move forward.

she did and it is NC for now.

[65tr6]

. If on the other hand, you think you can then let him know there will be consequences to his actions..

ok

 

.

You may also wish to get information about whether he ever came to your home and other facts.

..

yes he did

 

 

.

I have to ask you why would you wish to be with a spouse who would be having sex with another man behind your back for an entire year and betraying you in such a horrible way?

 

hmmm. i dont know because i am stupid and really really love her ?

[Trialbyfire]

If you meet with the OM, make sure your wife is with you. It gives her an opportunity to throw him or you under the bus. Her choice must be clear or you make the choice for her by punting her to the curb.

[whichwayisup]

If she truly is in NC mode with the OM and going to counselling on her own and with you, then let her actions match her words..Time will tell if she IS still talking to him or not.

 

Does she seem remorseful?

 

Going after the OM doesn't matter, he doesn't care about you! If he did, he wouldn't have allowed something to happen between them.

 

Focus more on what led her to the choice to cheat. What problems were going on in the marriage before she got selfish and chose to betray you this way?

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

This is just my opinion but if your wife had the OM come over to your home when you were not there and had sex with him then I do think you are crazy. For your wife to have had sex in your home is the absolute ultimate in disrespect. It shows absolute distain toward you and your marriage to screw another man in your home and in your bed if that occurred. For you to wish to remain with a wife who did this in your home (if it did occur) would indicate to me that you either are extremely co-dependent or very masochistic. It is bad enough that she screwed this guy for a year but also bringing him into your home? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect then who will? Your wife has a total broken moral compass.

 

I wish you luck my friend but if she engaged in this type of behavior the chances are pretty good it will occur in the future since she clearly has no boundaries as far as disrespecting and humiliating you.

[Dexter Morgan]

i found out that my wife has an affair with OM. They work for different companies. Will it help if i call up the HR where the OM works or stop by and see the HR manager ? or should i confront the OM directly or indirectly ?

 

Serving her with divorce papers would get the point across nicely.

[65tr6]

If she truly is in NC mode with the OM and going to counselling on her own and with you, then let her actions match her words..Time will tell if she IS still talking to him or not.

 

Does she seem remorseful?

 

Going after the OM doesn't matter, he doesn't care about you! If he did, he wouldn't have allowed something to happen between them.

 

Focus more on what led her to the choice to cheat. What problems were going on in the marriage before she got selfish and chose to betray you this way?

 

thanks for the advice. yes she is remorseful. Yes i am focussing on what led to the choice to cheat. Blames myself a lot in the beginning on the d-day but now i know it was her choice to have the affair no matter what i did to screw it up for her. The usual name-calling, put downs. I am working to be a better husband while she is going through her withdrawl.

[65tr6]

Hello again,

 

For you to wish to remain with a wife who did this in your home (if it did occur) would indicate to me that you either are extremely co-dependent or very masochistic. .

 

that hurt. can you not do that when i am down already ?

 

also you understand we have a little son, right ?

I wish you luck my friend but if she engaged in this type of behavior the chances are pretty good it will occur in the future .

nope, with all due respect, not likely ofcourse we both need to get through this first. thanks anyway.

[Reggie]

And how on earth do you think doing any such thing would help?

Your focus should be to concentrate on the issue between you and your wife.

leave the OM and his HR department out of it for now.

You have enough on your plate as it is.

 

I disagree with this if there is some connection between his woork and his relationship with your wife. Essentially, I feel that any party that can impose a cosequence on the OM should be notified to discourage continuation of the affair. An amazing numbe of aaffairs seem to shrivel up once exposed to the light of day and consequences.

His spouse , if he hasd one, needs to be informed, as well. And, you need STD testing as does your wife.

[Reggie]

No one can advise you on whether to remain with your wife and try to work this out.Some folks can get past a lot.

I'd say your wife has major issues, though and sge really needs to get help. This type of behavior, is very extreme. Bringing the guy to your house is symbolic of a lot of anger toward you. It's a really low blow, even for cheating. My XW did the same, by the way. It really hurt. I hope she gets help.

[65tr6]

I disagree with this if there is some connection between his woork and his relationship with your wife. Essentially, I feel that any party that can impose a cosequence on the OM should be notified to discourage continuation of the affair. An amazing numbe of aaffairs seem to shrivel up once exposed to the light of day and consequences. .

 

thanks reggie. that's precisely what i was thinking when i posted it. I dont know how i am going to do it but I need to work on it. I think you are with me on this one. thank you.

 

His spouse , if he hasd one, needs to be informed, as well. And, you need STD testing as does your wife.

dont have a spouse as i said before. and yes STD tests on the agenda.

 

It will be a long haul for me, i know. I am going by my gut. My instincts have mostly been right in the past. I could have gone nuclear but i could not. Sometimes i wondered why i didnt. I truely appreciate everyone's feedback. <self pity mode on> it has been hard for me <self pity mode off>. But i think i will get through this.

[65tr6]

. I hope she gets help.

did you still love her ?

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I am sorry. I did not mean to be harsh. I just wanted to point out the very significance of a spouse bringing a lover to one's home. It has major symbolic sigificance that you need to be aware of. I understand you have a young child. I only hope your child was not in the house during those meetings. I do wish you luck and hope you both find a competent couselor. There are many that are not very good so be very careful in your choosing. Good luck.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

65t6,

 

I would confront them both. Let them know that this WILL NOT happen again and if it does, you are going to tell BOTH of their supervisors and bosses of the situation. Hell, I would tell them after I told their bosses, so they know you are serious about not putting up with such conduct.

 

 

DNR

[Reggie]

I loved the illussion of what I wanted to have. But, by the time the cheating was unearthed, I'd about had it , anyway. I knew nothing about personality disorders before I consulted my attorney and described the behaviors over the years. Now that I am out,I feel both sad and relieved. I miss the kids but her abuse would have killed me early.

If none of that was going on in your marriage and things seemed good, I think there is hope. But, it is so weird coming from out of the blue like this. I can understand the cheating form the disordered. It's hard wired, a major coping mechanism. That's why I say really take a look at what is going on with her that is broken.Cheating like this is a big red flag for deeper issues.

[pkn06002]

I will say this from the OM perspective.

 

1) He cares NOTHING about you so you will hear only lies from him

 

2) If you don't know anything about him meeting him physically could be bad. You don't know how he will react or how you will react in a physical meeting.

 

Only contact HR if you want to see your wife and the OM fired.