busting my wife's affair

[65tr6]

You are not seeking retribution, which is usually ruinous anyway, but are instead extending yourself to understand the dynamics that lead to all this in the first place. No matter what, you will find yourself in a much better state, as you are laying the foundation for a strong you. Bravo!Saville

Saville, you just made my day, my week, my rest of the year. This means so much to me. thank you.

[65tr6]

This question is for taylor and 65. Do you think that the rapidity with which your husband (Taylor) started working towards R is why your desire has not returned for your husband to the extent you would like. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that you were not concerned with losing him. So due to the fact that there was no risk of loss regarding your husband. You continue to look at him as "been there done that". While You're fear of loss never really blossomed.

atwitsend, i am going to comment real quick and then let taylor do the expert commentary on this....

 

Your have made a great observation and I wonder about it everday.

 

You have to remember everyone is different....When my wife confessed, I felt i was responsbile for the affair...later realised i wasnt but by then

 

a) I had decided to change unconditionally...because that is who i am. Fix myself first BEFORE asking to fix themselves no matter how big or small the fault is

b) I didn't want to loose her at all

 

Not a day goes by now, when i think "if only i had kicked her out". But i dont know where that is going to get me.

 

By not kicking her out

 

a) She has seen me hurt badly and became very remorseful

b) Realised my true feelings for her actually started to come out

 

She admitted that both a) and b) were a complete surprise for her

 

I dont think, women (sorry dont mean to generalise) who emotionally checked themselves out of the marraige, worry too much about their husbands or loosing them. Of infact even their family. That's how strong they feel. Atleast in my case. The good news is feelings do change.

 

By the way, who says i cannot still kick her out ? (Even though it is extremely unlikely). I still have that option, right ?

[KismetGirl]

Hello again,

 

This is just my opinion but if your wife had the OM come over to your home when you were not there and had sex with him then I do think you are crazy. For your wife to have had sex in your home is the absolute ultimate in disrespect. It shows absolute distain toward you and your marriage to screw another man in your home and in your bed if that occurred. For you to wish to remain with a wife who did this in your home (if it did occur) would indicate to me that you either are extremely co-dependent or very masochistic. It is bad enough that she screwed this guy for a year but also bringing him into your home? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect then who will? Your wife has a total broken moral compass.

 

I wish you luck my friend but if she engaged in this type of behavior the chances are pretty good it will occur in the future since she clearly has no boundaries as far as disrespecting and humiliating you.

 

I think I missed the part where he said she brought the OM home. I don't think that was ever mentioned. And hile it would be a further disrespect to the whole situation, does it really matter at this point?

 

He said he wants to work on his marriage. He claims he believes she is really NC with the guy. If that's the case, leave the OM out of it and work on yoru marriage. I don't see how it helps anyone or anything to go confront some guy you don't even know. It's re-establishing contact in one way or another, and NC is already established, so just let it be.

 

If you want to work on the marriage and give her another chance that's your choice. Lot's of people on here are quick to suggest divorce, as if its as easy as signing a piece of paper and going on your merry way. And you have a kid.

 

Go to counseling, both IC and MC with your wife. Just because someone cheats doesnt mean they are incapable of being faithful if they are truly remorseful about it. There is nothing written in stone that "once a cheater always a cheater". No one here really knows your relationship and if you want to believe her and give her one more chance, that is your right, but you need to address what was wrong in the marriage to make her want to cheat in the first place.

 

And please, note that I am NOT saying there is something wrong with YOU that made her cheat. Im saying that an affair is a symptom of a marriage in which one or both people feels something is missing. It's up to you and your wife to determine if that "something" can be re-found, repaired, what have you.

 

And, I am an OW. I had many days when I wished my MM woudl leave his W for me. Still do sometimes. But I don't condone immediate divorce like some people around here, sort of "one mistake and you are out". Yes, a year of cheating wasn't a "mistake" in the dictionary definition of the word, as it was a conscious decision, just a bad one on her part. She obviously wants to try to work things out, so if you want to try as well, then give it a shot. You have a child together, and despite arguments that "oh well, that's what shared custody is for", its really far from being even remotely that easy.

 

Good luck.....

[RecordProducer]

i found out that my wife has an affair with OM. They work for different companies. Will it help if i call up the HR where the OM works or stop by and see the HR manager ? or should i confront the OM directly or indirectly ?

What's this have to do with HR?

 

Why don't you just key his car?

See my point?

 

This is between you and your wife, not even between you and him, and especially not between the HR and you. He is not going to get fired for screwing somebody's wife (or even cheating on his own wife). You're just gong to humiliate yourself. Either work it out with your wife or split, but don't fall too low.

 

If you dump your wife, she'll come running to you and begging you for forgiveness.

[pelicanpreacher]

RP, you look like a girl I knew named Amy way way way back in the day.

 

65, your immediate response and strategy may work if you somehow avoid the remaining steps of grief one must normally go through in the loss of a marriage but beware of living a lie. The fact is, though, you have spiritually lost your current marriage and it is something you will have to deal with in your recovery. For you to remain with this woman you will have to reach a point where you would literally ask for her hand in marriage again. Can you honestly say that this is possible or even feasible at this juncture? Can you also honestly believe even if her answer were yes that it isn't jaded by guilt?

 

The discovery is way too fresh for you to really sort down to your final feelings and I believe in rushing yourself through the process to recommitment that you are actually burying land mines that will explode when you least expect it to the ruin of all that you perceived to rebuild. As Owl would say, this is a marathon and not a sprint so you might want to pace yourself so that you cross the finish line fully intact no matter what the outcome to this situation may be. If you allow yourself the time and patience to fully digest all of the emotions that are bound to follow your D-day discovery then and only then will you have a chance of walking your wife down the aisle to a new and spiritually happy marriage again!

[65tr6]

65, your immediate response and strategy may work if you somehow avoid the remaining steps of grief one must normally go through in the loss of a marriage but beware of living a lie. !

 

pelican, thanks. great to hear you chime in. What are these remaining steps ? can you be specific ? Or is that i am rushing in and asking her to recommitt or recommitted myself too quickly ?

 

 

For you to remain with this woman you will have to reach a point where you would literally ask for her hand in marriage again. Can you honestly say that this is possible or even feasible at this juncture? Can you also honestly believe even if her answer were yes that it isn't jaded by guilt?!

Yes i want to be in a situation to marry her all over again. Well said. At this point, i dont think it is feasible only because there is plenty of work to be done by both.

 

The discovery is way too fresh for you. ?!

yes i admit. I am saying to myself, it takes a minimum of two years but could go on beyond that.

 

What makes you think I am rushing by the way ?

[65tr6]

 

If you dump your wife, she'll come running to you and begging you for forgiveness.

RP, it is moot now about contacting OM. NC is in place and she is in total remorse.

 

I have already forgiven her....Partly because she is total remorse. I could not have lived with her last two months if i had not forgiven her. You can say, I did forgive her too soon. And that's is fine. I dont know if i will regret that decision that I have forgiven her. I hope not !

 

But I do let her know, every once in a while, how senseless her decision was to have an affair. And I will probably continue to do that for who knows how long.

[Saville]

Saville, you just made my day, my week, my rest of the year. This means so much to me. thank you.

 

You are welcome...I just call it as I see it.

 

Saville

[jwi71]

I see some good progress and some worrisome "stuckness".

 

I think you are making good progress on yourself. I think your W is making progress on herself to some degree - I'll let you be the judge of that.

 

But what I do NOT see is a marriage working on being better. What I think we have is two people working on themselves in the hopes that "improved" individuals make a better marriage.

 

Rarely, if ever, does that happen.

 

You two must start working on THE MARRIAGE. And to me, in my thinking, it means MC.

 

So my question is: What do you get out being married to her 65? What does she get out of being married to you?

[pelicanpreacher]

The stages that you must meet and greet are listed as follows:

 

1) Shock & Denial

2) Pain & Guilt

3) Anger & Bargaining

4) Depression, Reflection, & Loneliness

5) Lifting of the Fog

6) Reconstruction & Reorganization

7) Acceptance & Hope

 

Of course, if you do not see your wife's infidelity as seriously as most do then I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill to create a tempest in a teapot! If it is as serious as I perceive then skipping any or all of the above steps merely plants landmines in your relationship that are timed to explode under the strangest of circumstances when you least expect them to!

 

I definately believe you're trying to skip step#4 but beware for in this step comes the "mind movies" and realization that the life you shared during this time was a lie as you contemplate all the ways in which you were deceived.

[Wicked Smile]

No. You get her to send him the note.

She also tells him that she is in MC with you, and that it's over between them. She has to establish complete NC or it simply will not move forward.

 

Well Geisha you are probably not going to like my advice but it's a man asking how to deal with another man with no respect. And since he was married I will just cut and dry it for him. So look away for a moment.

 

The man she had the affair with has a controlling voice in how she feels for him. They most likely started out as friends and before long every short coming you had was told to him. He played the good listener and built her up saying "she deserved better." and "it's him not you". He never even asked what the whole story was because he didn't need to. He was whispering poison in her ears to get her in bed. He doesn't need to deal with real life, that's what you are there for. You deal with the boring stuff and he will play prince charming. Who knows he may get off on it knowing she's married.

 

First I would send him a message. A very clear and short message. If you know all about him then you have sized him up I am sure. I can size a man up very quickly, I had to being a college wrestler. If I size a man up , it's done in a matter of a few seconds.

 

Once you send him the message don't be threatening, be secure and calm and cold. Threats are for people who wouldn't go through them unless they are are at their wits end.

 

After the message is sent make sure your wife is continueing to be honest with you. An affair of 1 year doesn't break easy I would think. She owes you the wiggle room to check on anything that may come off as amiss. But get some MCing with her. It's one thing for to be sorry she got caught it's another to her to be recomitted.

 

The hard part comes next. Size yourself up. What was it she needed and got from him? Communicate with her and make her feel it's ok to tell you what she wants but be ready to sort through the BS excuses that she may let fly. Yes she had reasons, but there's NO excuse for cheating period.

 

Work on giving back to the relationship yourself. It takes you both getting what you need out of it. Being comfortable is nice in a marriage but too comfortable can lead down laziness and end up where you just went. Somebody needs something.

 

Lastly, check up and have your wife tell you if he tries contacting her. Most men would be smart about it and move on to something easier with less hassles and drama. Then again some men are real meat heads and only respect those who step up and protect their families with knuckle dents.

 

I only ran into 1 guy like this back before I got married. Gave him a forgiven card but he still pushed it. Then gave him a warning, but he pushed. So he ended up in a hospital with a seperated spetum. Never even heard from the guy since. I really hope it doesn't come down to this but men are men after all. We respect strength in most it's forms.

 

Lastly remember to forgive. You can say you forgive her but you need to learn how to actually do it. That comes from work and a recomittment from her part.

[Saville]

So he ended up in a hospital with a seperated spetum.

 

Good thing it wasn't his septum you deviated.

 

I think your talk of bravado is natural, but being a man is not just fisticuffs. I think 65tr6 is showing a lot of manliness. He is thoughtfully considering his situation and weighing his options without letting his ego dictate things. Discretion, in this case, is the better part of valour. Getting hung up on sending a message to the OM is futile, because if his wife is still inclined towards him, it will do nothing to change her heart. I believe, as Geishawelk has stated, that there is only meaning if the wife initiates any message, as then it stems from her earnest desire for change. To act as jailor is poor footing upon which to reactivate the marriage. Boundaries and time limits can be established, so that 65tr6 is not just waiting for his wife to get with the program, but trying to persuade a heart through dictatorial action will only drive it further away. Having balls means staying the course of your conviction, not just lashing out in anger.

 

Saville

[taylor]

This question is for taylor and 65. Do you think that the rapidity with which your husband (Taylor) started working towards R is why your desire has not returned for your husband to the extent you would like. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that you were not concerned with losing him. So due to the fact that there was no risk of loss regarding your husband. You continue to look at him as "been there done that". While You're fear of loss never really blossomed. In other words could he have forgiven you to soon? I'm not talking about Guilt sex. I am talking about HAVE I LOST YOU "SEX". Please elaborate for 65 so that a life of been there done that sex can be avoided. I can't help but feeling that if you though his love was at risk. You would have developed "hysterical bonding sex".

 

I think your point here makes alot of sense.

 

I never felt a sense or fear of losing my husband. He never pushed me away. Instead, he clung to me, and constantly expressed the desire to hold on to the marriage.

 

I don't want to lose my marriage either because for years my husband was number one...I valued him like no other...and I valued our marriage. It has only been in the last 3 years that I started to look at him and at our marriage differently. As we grew more distant and stopped being loving towards each other, feelings of hurt, pain, resentment, and frustration built up over time. I built a wall around my heart to keep from feeling the pain. This made me feel dead inside and indifferent to him. I reached a point where I no longer valued him or the marriage. I checked out emotionally. There was no desire to make him happy and no desire to be with him sexually. It was not long after that that I entered an affair.

 

I want back what we lost from years of neglect. But I know it isn't just a matter of starting to pay attention to the marriage again.

 

I need to be able to value my husband again. I took that value from him and gave it to the OM. And now it is a matter of taking the value from the OM and giving it back to my husband.

 

I often wondered the same thing you ask about in this post...if my husband had kicked me out, would my desire for him returned sooner. Kind of like, "You don't know what you had until it's taken away from you.

 

 

Sometimes I think if my husband would have thrown me out on D-day my knee-jerk reaction would have been to fight to get him back. But it wouldn't have been out of love. It would have been out of fear...fear of the unknown...insecurity.

 

Over time, on my own, I may have built up some resentment towards my husband for handling the situation like that. It would have been just another "injury" to our already broken marriage. It may have been the last insult the marriage could have handled.

 

I doubt in my case if I would have run to the OM if my husband through me out. I would not have felt comfortable with that. But I could see many affair partners doing just that...the husband throws the WS out and she runs into the arms of her OM. It's a very real risk. It can do just the opposite of what the BS would like to see happen.

 

The only scenario where I see this "kick her to the curb" theory working to actually save a marriage is if the WS is kicked out and stays out for an extended period of time....with both spouses going to MC to see if the marriage can be repaired. It may serve as a cooling off time..a time to put things into perspective. But I doubt it would work if MC wasn't involved because the marital issues would still be unresolved and without any hope that the marriage could be better, the WS has no motive to return to it.

 

I'm only 10 months post D-day. The verdict is still out as to whether my husband and I followed the right course by choosing to stay together to work on the marriage. I'm glad he didn't toss me out. If he had, I am not sure where we would be today. I think I would have to "experience" that to know how I would react in that situation. But I have a feeling that it may have been the nail in the coffin, so to speak. Perhaps others who experienced this may be able to offer a different perspective.

 

 

I must admit that looking at my wife and thinking that I will never be able to reach that place with her that he did would be a fate worse then divorce. Creating an underlying cancer in the reconciliation.

 

My husband fears this same thing. But I tell him what I had with the OM was what every couple has when a relationship is new...connectedness, excitement, passion. It wouldn't have lasted. And when it did wear off, what would I have been left with...a man that was half the man my husband is and who would never have loved me like my husband does.

 

As the memory and feelings for the OM fade, I am starting to have the capacity to see value in my husband again. As I detach from the OM, I am slowly starting to feel some sense of attachment to my husband again.

 

Just this morning, we stayed in bed and held each other an extra long time. I looked in his eyes and did a double take, thinking, I forgot what beautiful eyes he had. I told him and that put a huge smile on his face.

[taylor]

My wife is in IC but i am not. I did bring up MC last month and now i dont know if i want it...

 

If you value your marriage, MC is worth it. It doesn't mean you are recommitting to your marriage. It means you want to explore the options, determine if the marriage has a chance, sort out your feelings, determine what you really want your future to look like, what's acceptable and what's not. MC can help with all of this...can help you make better decisions regarding your future, whether it be with or without your wife and marriage.

 

 

 

Here is the difference..Slightly anyway. My wife wanted divorce on the d-day but later she admitted that she didnt know what to say and those were the words that came out of her mouth. Also she said that ONLY after i asked her - She was completely withdrawn for weeks prior to that and that absolutely drove me nuts.

 

Your wife saying she wanted a divorce was really her saying she doesn't want the marriage as it is. She was withdrawn because she had checked out of the marriage and may have been pouring all of her attention and energy into the affair..leaving nothing for you or the marriage. I pulled so far away from my husband..totally detached...it manifested as "being withdrawn."

 

She does not communicate very well and she knows it.

 

Primary reason for marital breakdown. All the more reason to get into MC.

 

 

 

Have you asked your Counsellor about what you can do to forgive yourself ?

 

No, I have not asked the MC about this. But she does tell me I need to forgive myself. I don't think I will forgive myself until I can give my husband 100 percent of myself like he deserves. The guilt is eating me alive...that I can't give him what he needs...deserves..to be happy.

 

 

 

If I can forgive myself and take steps to work on myself that resulted in bad marriage, why not her about the affair ? Is the because the affair is difficult to forgive/forget ?

 

Affairs are difficult to forgive and no one forgets. They are life-altering experiences. Many BS can't ever forgive. Only time will tell if your wife can forgive herself. I am working on doing this myself. What makes if hard, I think, is that when we enter an affair, we compromise our values...we do things we normally wouldn't do...we become someone who we are not. As we look back on who were became and what we did, we feel shame and guilt. For those of us who already struggle with self-esteem issues, the shame and guilt only reinforces that notion that we are not worthy...not loveable.

 

The only thing that has helped me to regain some sense of self-worth in my struggle to forgive myself, has been taking a hard look at the road that led me to the affair...why I became so weak and vulnerable to allow myself to do something like that that I otherwise would not have. Accept that I am human and have flaws. Stop beating myself up and start redeeming myself for the transgression.

 

 

Is it more guilt factor versus remorse that could be making you do this ? What will make you happy ? Do you even know ? (I am sorry if it is coming out as condescending - that is not the intention)

 

It's guilt and shame. Tons of it. What would make me happy? Being able to redeem myself by being able to make my husband happy again. But this is a hard task for a WS who checked out of a marriage and is trying to find a way to check back in.

[taylor]

Let me ask you this. Do you feel that your marriage is better now ? - with your husband's changed behavior, and that both are recommiited and you are communicating more now - compared to the period prior to the affair ? If so, aren't you glad and hopeful that things can actually improve ?

 

My marriage is better now than it was prior to entering the affair and better than it has been in the past three years. Three years ago I told my husband I was not happy and asked if he would consider MC. He said no. The marriage continued to deteriorte, I checked out, and entered an EA. The marriage hit rock bottom during the affair.

 

Today we are in MC and it is helping. It has put us on the right track. But we still have alot of work to do. The road is bumpy but I see hope. Whereas last year, prior to entering the affair, I had lost all hope..had given up.

 

Communication is probably the number one change in our marriage...so much better now than it has been in years. Also, more quality time together. And we are much nicer to each other, both trying to recognize each others needs and meet them.

 

 

 

What if the OM contacted you today or you both ran into each other somehow ?

 

It would be very awkward to say the least. I have no desire to resume anything with him. Yes, I still care about him..but I have no desire to have any relationship with him. To tell you the truth, if I saw him, I would do everything in my power to avoid him...NC....for his good and my own.

 

Anything that you have for me or my wife that could make our lives little better as we look forward to the next 6 months ?

 

MC is a good start. It can't hurt.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Be kind to each other. You've both been through alot.\

Patience

 

I don't know the nature of your wife's affair. Only you and she know how deep her feelings were for the OM. In my situation, I know I cared more about the OM than he did for me. Once I was able to admit and accept this fact (which was very hard to do and lead to even greater self-esteem issues), it was alot easier to let go of him.

 

If your wife is totally NC with this OM, and if she is able to take a good hard look at what the affair really was...totally honest with herself, it may help speed up the withdrawal period.

 

Once withdrawal starts to subside, she will have a better ability to focus on you and the marriage, and be able to think more clearly about what she does or doesn't want. Until withdrawal ends, not much is going to move forward I'm afraid.

 

Hang in there, 65tr6. Like a good poster says on here all the time, "It's a marathon, not a sprint."

[65tr6]

taylor, i admire you for being the WS and taking the initiative of learning so much to better understand/figure out yourself. The fact that you did this immediately after the d-day speaks volumes about your determination.

 

You have no idea (on second thoughts i think you do) how much you are helping me in understanding my wife as she goes through her withdrawl. So many points that you touched upon are so much spot on, it just amazes me. I will try to respond to the points raised by you when i get a chance. But please understand it absolutely lifted my spirits up. As i said before there is no more crying for me (i never ever cried as an adult before - well, may be once !) but the emotional roller coaster continues makes me feel sick/disgusting at times.

[atwitsend]

To Taylor and 65. I wonder if you and your spouses became more adventurous in bed (not to copy what was done by OM and WS), if this would help with the reconciliation. The biggest problem I could imagine is the comparing, at least when it comes to the men, to the OMs. The way I see it, is that something has to be different to be a catalyst to restore intimacy. It may or may not have happened yet but this will be a major factor in your husbands healing. In our marriage (29 years) my goal is to pleasure my wife. There is a lot of my self worth as a man tied up in that (some women can't understand this). I know taylor has told her husband that "the connectedness, excitement, and passion" would have receded at some point. But the fact remains that it didn't before you started reconciliation. I would encourage both couples to investigate as couples possible enhancements to their love making such as massage therapy, tantric yoga, various books on intimacy. Women are relational men are visual. Each partner has to focus on what the others needs are. Communication is critical when explaining what turns the other on. YOU CAN'T FIND THE TREASURE WITHOUT A MAP! JMHO.

[65tr6]

And we are much nicer to each other, both trying to recognize each others needs and meet them..

 

same here but still working on meeting the needs part.

 

It would be very awkward to say the least. I have no desire to resume anything with him. Yes, I still care about him..but I have no desire to have any relationship with him. ..

good for you. I asked my wife yesterday if she had any contact since she admitted about the A and she said "no" (in a tone that reflected why the hell would i do that ?...which i thought was very pleasing to hear).

 

If your wife is totally NC with this OM, and if she is able to take a good hard look at what the affair really was...totally honest with herself, it may help speed up the withdrawal period. ."

that is my hope that she starts thinking on those lines.

 

I still have moments of trigger(s) but have gone down substantially. I am also trying extremely hard to leave her alone...in and out of bed....We had couple of dates last few days and they went really really well. No relationship talk just go out there and do things together.

[65tr6]

If you value your marriage, MC is worth it. It doesn't mean you are recommitting to your marriage. It means you want to explore the options, .

point noted taylor. Something that we would look into actively begining of next year.

 

 

Affairs are difficult to forgive and no one forgets. They are life-altering experiences. Many BS can't ever forgive. Only time will tell if your wife can forgive herself. I am working on doing this myself. What makes if hard, I think, is that when we enter an affair, we compromise our values...we do things we normally wouldn't do...we become someone who we are not. As we look back on who were became and what we did, we feel shame and guilt. For those of us who already struggle with self-esteem issues, the shame and guilt only reinforces that notion that we are not worthy...not loveable. .

 

Nicely put. It was/(is still) very difficult for me to understand this. I am an individual who i think has abundance of this, self-esteem (even after it took bit of a hit recently) and hence makes it that much more complex to grasp this concept. But then i have not done something on this scale before so i dont know.

 

Here is where you want to be careful. Dont beat on yourself so bad that you start to put thoughts of doubts in others mind. I am making a general statement - not necessary you or any individual. There is a point when it could be taken as a complete mark of disrespect especially by your husband.

[65tr6]

To Taylor and 65. I wonder if you and your spouses became more adventurous in bed (not to copy what was done by OM and WS), if this would help with the reconciliation. The biggest problem I could imagine is the comparing, at least when it comes to the men, to the OMs. .

 

atwitsend, you have to understand. I am fresh from this trauma - still recovering or picking up the pieces. From what i have seen so far, this is a COMPLETE emotional disconnect when it comes to SF from WWs. I dont know it is the comparision alone. I believe it is the emotional part which they complain is missing. It is changing EVER so slightly but too soon to say anything.

 

But your points are well noted.

 

Something that i am sure you will understand. Here is my take. The excitement, the planning, the anticipation, the newness that you have in an affair is just unbeatable - cannot be compared. Unfortunately WS have seen the "highs" and it is very easy to compare that to your normal married sex life (knowing or unknowingly) but that does not mean they are not smart enough to realise that it was not real. Yes it may take time but eventually i think they will. It is unrealistic, in my opinion to expect the same "highs" in a marriage but that does not mean it cannot be achieved. Just needs lots of effort from either side to make that happen. I have no doubt, I or we will be exploring that treasure map down the line.

[Darth Vader]

i am willing to give another try

 

 

 

she says she would have been upset

 

 

 

not married i dont know if he has any girl friend

 

 

 

got it.

 

Question ? Should i confront him myself directly or send him a note ?

 

 

Contact HR in his company about his actions, let them deal with him, he MUST face consequences for his actions!

[Darth Vader]

that hurt. can you not do that when i am down already ?

 

also you understand we have a little son, right ?

nope, with all due respect, not likely ofcourse we both need to get through this first. thanks anyway.

 

 

So... She rode another man in your own house, in your own bed, where you sleep at night, (I assume in the same bed she screwed him), with your little son in the other room hearing your wife orgasming while riding another man? Seriously, man, how can you even think of staying with that whatever you have for a wife? I'm not insulting you here, I'm just trying to understand as to why the hell you would ever want to stay with someone who did that to you, and your son, assuming that he's yours. And don't say it's because you love her, she doesn't love you, otherwise she wouldn'y have done this to you. Get a paternaty test done too. He may not be yours.

[Darth Vader]

I can feel your hurt, frustration and anger and I wish you can smash the crazy old dude in the face, throw him in jail and and serve you wandering wife divorce paper and take your son with you.

 

 

WORD! On that issue!

[65tr6]

So... She rode another man in your own house, in your own bed, where you sleep at night, (I assume in the same bed she screwed him), with your little son in the other room hearing your wife orgasming while riding another man? Seriously, man, how can you even think of staying with that whatever you have for a wife? I'm not insulting you here, I'm just trying to understand as to why the hell you would ever want to stay with someone who did that to you, and your son, assuming that he's yours. And don't say it's because you love her, she doesn't love you, otherwise she wouldn'y have done this to you. Get a paternaty test done too. He may not be yours.

I really tried my best to ignore your post but i couldnt. The way i see this she was so sick that she needs help. What is the difference whether she screws in my home or elsewhere ?...i know it just hurts big freakin' time knowing that she did in my home.....How is this any different from an EA ? Just because sex is involved ? Woman, by now you should know, dont f*** differentiate between EA and PA that much. To them EA is a big deal...not for us men. PA is a big deal. Get it ? Yes she put me at risk for STD and what not for doing what she did. She is now remorseful. So what do you want me to do ? Kick her out and divorce her ? She is in complete NC now. We both think we are making decent progress. You think we should stop ?

 

About paternity test...there is no need. Our son is truely our son. All the f** infidelity started last year. (sorry i think i am losing it here with all the f*).

[65tr6]

WORD! On that issue!

that OM is a f* loser as far as i am concerned. I wont stoop to such lows as to even bring him into our conversations. He f* doesnt deserve that. Divorced and has kids. What a f* example he is leading.