busting my wife's affair

[theobserver]

Know that the other man does not care about you. All he cares about was getting into your wifes tunnel that she so happily gave to him again and again most likely with your son present in the house.. I mean be realistic where else would he be!

 

I'm sure your wife loves your son to a degree as you do but come on it didn't stop her sleeping with another man and making a fool of you did it? I mean this in the sense of the betrayal your child means nothing to this situation. Do not stay with someone "for the sake of the child" she is most likely counting on this.

Unless she is truely remorseful and willing to get this man out of her life with your help (yes possibly losing her job) then she isn't worth a damn. She will cheat again and your love for your son will make you forgive her ,do you really want to be like some of the "forgivers" on here literally counting down the days til their child is 18 so they can leave?

 

Overall it's your choice, sometimes I believe things can be forgiven sometimes I think you are about to make a fool of yourself. One thing I will say is if you do planto tell his workplace of what's happened make sure you tell a 3rd party of the cheating and who he is incase anything happens to you. Also hell I think it's a good idea you inform your family and friends of your wifes affair, believe me they will not see you as a fool or pity you . They will pity your wife for her bad choices, and as said above if she truly wants forgiveness she will not complain of you telling everyone on what she's done.

 

Cheaters thrive on silence, where there is no punishment for their action. MC is only part of the healing the other is to be humiliated as she has humiliated you and broken the trust before things can be remade.

 

Good Luck

[Trialbyfire]

If the OM and the wife work at different companies, not one single employer is going to care about the affair, since there are no employee guidelines that govern out-of-office conduct.

 

Threatening exposure only works if the person is a high profile person or if it was found that there was an affair with another employee, same firm.

 

Don't go there. You'll be viewed as a looney tune spouse.

[pelicanpreacher]

If the two companies the affair partners work for rely upon contracting bidding with one another then you'd better believe HR will take keen notice to be sure neither party was involved to influenced favorable contract awards and thus compromise their cost expectations for contracts issued!

[65tr6]

Hello again,

 

I am sorry. I did not mean to be harsh. I just wanted to point out the very significance of a spouse bringing a lover to one's home. It has major symbolic sigificance that you need to be aware of. .

i know and that's what hurt me most. i cried like a baby.

[65tr6]

Don't go there. You'll be viewed as a looney tune spouse.

point noted .

[Trialbyfire]

pp, What you're describing is an ethics issue, affair partners or not. No employer is going to risk a civil suit over rumour and conjecture. Prove it.

 

Look, I firmly believe in exposing affairs. Blow it wide open and let the light of day expose the dirty laundry for everyone to see. It's not my problem if it's embarrassing or detrimental to the affair partners. I could care less.

 

Having said that, what matters is if the OP wants to do this effectively, he'd better have his ducks in a row. Get real proof before you do anything.

[65tr6]

. Now that I am out,I feel both sad and relieved. I miss the kids but her abuse would have killed me early..

sorry to hear that.

 

 

If none of that was going on in your marriage and things seemed good, I think there is hope.

yes none of the abuse is going on. I can only hope at this point right ?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

point noted .

 

I outed my first ex before her friends and family at her birthday party and everyone patted me on the back afterwards. Even her other a few years later thanked me and told me she understood why I did what I did and that her daughter never did anything like that gain to anyone else.

 

And THERE ARE cases where some bosses DO fire their employees over such things. They don't want the bad business, distraction of work, it makes them question the ethics of the employee, and they don't what to risk a jealous spouse coming in there shooting up the place. So, there is a always a chance it will work and there is always a chance it won't work. You have to be the one to determine if the risk worth the consequences (good and/or bad).

 

 

DNR

[sadintexas]

Make sure you are doing this for the right reasons, i.e. that you really love her and have a happy life with her. Think about how you felt about your marriage over the past year or two and not how you feel now that you know she was/is wanted by someone else.

 

I think affairs can be overcome, but the damage from the infidelity is only one part that needs to be addressed. There are underlying issues that will need to be fixed to try to prevent this happening in the future. She will also have to agree to let her life be an open book for you. Full disclosure, no privacy. Full access to phone records, emails, etc. Is she willing to do that?

 

Having a young child in the home complicates things. This I know. But staying for the child is not best in my opinion. If there are true and genuine reasons why you both want to work on this that have to do with your feelings for each other, then go for it. If not, best to start healing now and move on.

[Reggie]

sorry to hear that.

 

yes none of the abuse is going on. I can only hope at this point right ?

Good and thanks. Now, go slow. Don't rush to commit to either divorce or reconciliation. You are in shock and in no condition to make life altering decisons. Get some counseling to help you sort out the best way to go.. Good luck. Try to eat , sleep and exercise. Easier said, than done, though.

[65tr6]

Make sure you are doing this for the right reasons, i.e. that you really love her and have a happy life with her. Think about how you felt about your marriage over the past year or two and not how you feel now that you know she was/is wanted by someone else.

marriage was not good over the past over or two, does that mean you just throw everything out and part ways ? come on. Relationships change all the time. The mistake we made, like quite of few others, is not working on the issues.

 

I think affairs can be overcome, but the damage from the infidelity is only one part that needs to be addressed. There are underlying issues that will need to be fixed to try to prevent this happening in the future.

precisely. This is a wake up call - more for me - to be a better person, better father.

 

. If there are true and genuine reasons why you both want to work on this that have to do with your feelings for each other, then go for it.

obviously she does not and hence she had the affair. does it mean we both just give up and move on ? i dont think so.

[65tr6]

Good and thanks. Now, go slow. Don't rush to commit to either divorce or reconciliation. You are in shock and in no condition to make life altering decisons. Get some counseling to help you sort out the best way to go.. Good luck. Try to eat , sleep and exercise. Easier said, than done, though.

thanks Reggie. I am counting everyday painfully and getting through it. I will take up new hobbies. I think i am getting over the shock slowly and will NOT make any major decisions except trying to be a better person.

[jwi71]

You seem to be taking it well. Once the shock subsides the anger comes knocking. And that's where the real danger is. Don't do something dumb or illegal.

 

As far as contacting their HR. Do it. This A can only exist in secrecy. Time to tell the world. I am a huge proponent of broadcasting it. Not only tell his HR, tell his boss and co-workers and friends and family and everyone else. Do the same for your circle of friends. Tell her boss, tell her HR, tell her family, tell her friends. Go to church? At ours their is a newsletter handed out every Sunday...ask for their prayers for your W's infidelity. Gather all the proof you have and mass email it. Tell your boss, tel your HR, tell your family, tell your friends.

 

In short, the only person who should be in the dark is your son.

 

OP, you did not do this. Not your choice. She took the cowards way. Not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will find that virtually everyone will offer you the support and sympathy you will need.

 

Should you two decide to try and salvage the M - much work to be done, including more drastic steps she must take.

 

Good luck. And, this can be survived.

[sadintexas]

marriage was not good over the past over or two, does that mean you just throw everything out and part ways ? come on. Relationships change all the time. The mistake we made, like quite of few others, is not working on the issues.

 

I'm not suggesting you throw it all away. I'm only suggesting you salvage it for the right reasons. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.

[65tr6]

Should you two decide to try and salvage the M - much work to be done, including more drastic steps she must take.

 

Good luck. And, this can be survived.

thank you jwi for the encouraging words. means a lot to me.

[dannydrifter]

....let him know there will be consequences to his actions.

 

Be careful with this, because it can be misconstrued as a threat. I think if you just call him and tell him calmly to respect your relationship and marriage, he will get a nice shock out of that alone. If he is a reasonable person, he should comply. If on the other hand he is a SOB with no morals, then he will try to play bad ass with you. I doubt that will happen. But if he does start getting mouthy, just be calm and tell him that if he ever attempts further contact you will sue him.

 

I know it's easy to get out of hand and tell this guy off, or even get into a rage one day and punch him out. But believe me, you are much better off doing things the civilized way.

[65tr6]

or i could send him an email. Any ideas on what the content could be ?

[taylor]

No. You get her to send him the note.

She also tells him that she is in MC with you, and that it's over between them. She has to establish complete NC or it simply will not move forward.

 

This is great advice.

 

If your wife is going through withdrawal now, the urge to contact the OM will be great. The same on his end as well.

 

It will have a far greater effect if your wife tells him it is over and that she has decided to work on her marriage, than if you try to keep him away by scaring or threatening him.

 

If you choose to go to HR, be prepared for your wife to get fired while the OM remains employed. It happens. If the company considers him more valuable, they may solve the affair problem by getting rid of your wife..it takes two to tango.

 

Sending the OM a note may help you get things off your chest and make you feel better, but it may also make him feel better...kind of like an ego boost. Wouldn't do it. He's not worth it.

 

Focus on YOU. It will be a long road, regardless of what path you choose to take. And be there for you little son. Believe it or not, he will probably help you get through this more than anyone else. You will find strength and hope in his eyes.

 

Also realize it will be a long time before your wife will be able to give you any solid answers as to how she feels about you and your marriage. She is in a state of confusion and can't think straight right now. I will guess she is dealing with some depression and anxiety from the loss of the OM as well as the discovery of the affair. There isn't much you can do about this. It's hers to deal with. Counseling, medication, and complete NC will help.

 

You say you are in shock. The numbness will wear off and you will have a myriad of emotions to deal with: anger, frustration, insecurity, depression. Counseling can help you sort through these feelings, help you to cope, and help you figure out which direction you want to take.

 

The affair is a wake-up call for BOTH you and your wife. You both know serious changes have to be made by each of you. Your marriage will never go back to the way it was.

[jwi71]

An email is ok. Make sure you let him know that no further contact is wanted by either party. Be careful in what you say - he may use it against you later. Then call, speakerphone with your W present. Tel him the same.

Avoid face to face. To tempting to punch the SoB in the nose. Or worse.

 

I called my wife's OM...and used harsh language. Then I emailed virtually everyone in the company (my wife was having a A with her boss). Then my wife resigned. All coordinated with my W.

[pkn06002]

Let me tell you from a OM's point of view these NC letters that BS seem so fond of that are approved by the BS, don't work. You know why because the OP knows those words are NOT coming from the WS but from the BS. I got one from my MW and on her secret account she sent me another one (later that night) stating how she was forced to send that letter and that was not how she felt. We still continued contact for months after. It did not end until she decided that the affair was more work then the pay off of contacting me was.

 

Just send the guy an e-mail that you know and that the affair is over. Then watch her like a hawk. Because the only thing that will end it is NC over a long period and even then that flame is still burning in the background.

 

Or just man up and meet the guy in a parking lot and fight for her hand like real men do. (Joking folks so relax)

[65tr6]

Let me tell you from a OM's point of view these NC letters that BS seem so fond of that are approved by the BS, don't work.

good point. thanks for sharing that. I guess i will have to send that email. I will dig into this and come up with what i need to say. find out what i need to say. I will be very civil but firm - that i know everything about the affair and it is over. thanks pkn.

[pkn06002]

good point. thanks for sharing that. I guess i will have to send that email. I will dig into this and come up with what i need to say. find out what i need to say. I will be very civil but firm - that i know everything about the affair and it is over. thanks pkn.

 

Simply say you found out and its over, she will not be contacting you again.

 

You don't have to be nice, civil whatever.

 

Then you need to watch her like a hawk because the withdrawals are HELL and you will do anything to get a fix.

[jwi71]

Let me tell you from a OM's point of view these NC letters that BS seem so fond of that are approved by the BS, don't work. You know why because the OP knows those words are NOT coming from the WS but from the BS. I got one from my MW and on her secret account she sent me another one (later that night) stating how she was forced to send that letter and that was not how she felt. We still continued contact for months after. It did not end until she decided that the affair was more work then the pay off of contacting me was.

 

The letter/email serves multiple purposes. I don't think anyone believes that an OM/OW who shows no respect for M will suddenly up and respect an email/letter. But courts do. There are punitive measures in divorce proceedings. She can and perhaps will receive "more" because she was faithful. This letter is written admission by the WS of said affair. It also helps in "alienation of affection" (in the few states that offer it still). And if it helps the BS cope or deal with the betrayal - then it has a positive affect for the BS.

 

Then watch her like a hawk. Because the only thing that will end it is NC over a long period and even then that flame is still burning in the background.

No. The WS, once discovered, either makes an honest and true effort to end the A and rebuild the marriage or not. It is up to the WS to prove worthy of return. It is not the BS to play warden. A repentent WS will make every effort to prove that. Should a WS return and not make a 100% all out effort, then the return is for selfish reasons. It is the continued betrayal of the spouse and marriage.

[pkn06002]

The letter/email serves multiple purposes. I don't think anyone believes that an OM/OW who shows no respect for M will suddenly up and respect an email/letter.

 

You want respect from OM/OW who has intruded into the marriage? What are you smoking because I want some. What because you found out you think they care?

 

But courts do. There are punitive measures in divorce proceedings. She can and perhaps will receive "more" because she was faithful. This letter is written admission by the WS of said affair. It also helps in "alienation of affection" (in the few states that offer it still).

 

Oh so funny to this is legal tender. So in other words any WS is a FOOL for sending something like this. Good luck on find those court cases where alienation of affection if proven.

 

No. The WS, once discovered, either makes an honest and true effort to end the A and rebuild the marriage or not. It is up to the WS to prove worthy of return. It is not the BS to play warden. A repentent WS will make every effort to prove that. Should a WS return and not make a 100% all out effort, then the return is for selfish reasons. It is the continued betrayal of the spouse and marriage.

 

I just love the repentant WS that is such an oxymoron.

 

When you first catch them they are only sorry they were caught. In most cases will continue if at all possible. But I do like the attitude that if they don't want to stay willingly then you don't want them to stay.

[Reggie]

Lots of projection in PKN's response. Not everyone is as far gone as he is, so resolute in claiming the affair was deserved and justified. I've read many posts by folks that are remorseful and intend to abide buy NC. I'd say PKN is on the extreme end of justifying and narcissisim.