why did you not take the option of divorce?

[pkn06002]

I just got done with a thread in the infidelity forum going back and forth with several BS (could use help from WS on those). Very often when I have gotten into discussions like I did over there you get the "why did you just not divorce, instead of cheating" comment.

 

Why did you OP here on this forum choose to cheat instead of divorce?

 

I will start

 

1) I just wanted an escape from my marriage not a wholesale change.

a) I did not realize how unhappy I was until I had the affair.

 

2) The financial cost as the sole bread winner would be HUGE.

a) At least 2/3 of my salary.

 

3) Becoming a part-time parent is an idea I just can't bring myself to accept.

 

4) If divorce is so easy why do the stories over in the divorce forum sound even worse then the ones here?

[Holding-On]

I hope I can participate too Pkn even though my POV is only observation and conjecture. I'm OW (was OW?) not a WS. Have never been a WS.

 

I'm not advocating cheating/lying here for the record but just a straightforward discussion of reasons that WS decide divorce is not necessarily a superior choice to an affair.

 

 

Reasons (as I see them)

1. Marriages are financially devastating. Not just for the WS but for the BS too. Many want to downplay this but few people end up better off after a divorce. 2 households are harder to maintain than one especially if you are near the breaking point financially.

If you are close to retirement/at retirement you simply may not be able to make up the difference and you may not be well enough to work.

 

2. I believe it is possible to love more than one person romantically.

A WS may love both BS and OP differently but love them both nontheless. Parents usually love all their children even if they love them differently. If you divorce you only get to actively love one person. Many threads are on the OW/OM board about the impossibility of choosing, the agonizing of going back and forth and so on.

 

3. The problems may be temporary. Looong temporary but temporary.

For example:

your spouse is suffering from an illness, you want to support your spouse and live with him/her but the continous caretaking is draining you. An affair partner enlivens you/gives you the love/energy your spouse cannot and the strength to continue to take care of your partner (think Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre).

your partner has moved into old age faster than you. Eventually (5, 10 years) you will be there too but are not ready to shrivel up and die yet. After 15, 20, 25, 30..years you do not want to leave this person.

your partner is completely invested in your stepchild/ailing mother/etc and cannot put you first. The stepchild/child/mother will be out of the house/dead in so many years.

your children are not grown yet and you want to be a full time parent to them until you do divorce.

 

4. The difficulty of leaving an entire social circle/community. Friends, clubs, activities. Especially shared ones.

 

 

5. Continued hope that the BS and marriage will change but not the strength to simply end it.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Hanging-On is pretty close to right on this one.

 

And I agree with him/her said, THERE IS NEVER, EVER an reason to cheat! That is a form of abuse, it involves you lying to others, causing undue harm to yourself and others, shows a lack of courage, invites UNAUTHORIZED people into your marital issues, puts you and others at risk for physical or emotional harm and/or disease.

 

 

DNR

[stampdaddy]

I do NOT believe there is EVER a reason to cheat, and I am the OM..

 

A neighbor of mine, the wife, had been sick and sick and tired of her marriage. A somewhat controlling husband that NEVER really invested into the "family" for a number of reasons.. This mother of 3, ran the household, until hubby would come in and "run" the household... Almost 20 years of this, and children scattered throughout those years.. Now this woman, had been praying and praying and praying for an answer... Well, exactly one month ago TODAY, she got her answer, in the form of a text message to her husbands phone, from the OW, an 10 day f**k fest.. 12 days later, FILED, 11 days later SERVED, and 3 months from now DIVORCED.. the kicker here is that they havent gotten along BETTER than the are now in YEARS!!!! and I was a witness to it on Halloween.. "honey, this is the best chili you have ever made.. Well, thanks hubby..." WTF???

[Mino]

I do NOT believe there is EVER a reason to cheat, and I am the OM..

 

A neighbor of mine, the wife, had been sick and sick and tired of her marriage. A somewhat controlling husband that NEVER really invested into the "family" for a number of reasons.. This mother of 3, ran the household, until hubby would come in and "run" the household... Almost 20 years of this, and children scattered throughout those years.. Now this woman, had been praying and praying and praying for an answer... Well, exactly one month ago TODAY, she got her answer, in the form of a text message to her husbands phone, from the OW, an 10 day f**k fest.. 12 days later, FILED, 11 days later SERVED, and 3 months from now DIVORCED.. the kicker here is that they havent gotten along BETTER than the are now in YEARS!!!! and I was a witness to it on Halloween.. "honey, this is the best chili you have ever made.. Well, thanks hubby..." WTF???

I dont get it... why do you think they get along better now stamp? Maybe its because they are no longer together, and she is happy now?

[stampdaddy]

I dont get it... why do you think they get along better now stamp? Maybe its because they are no longer together, and she is happy now?

 

I think it is "freedom" from each other.. the "release" of years of pent up, whatever... I flat out asked her if she would maybe reconsider, and she flat out said NO WAY.. it was like I was watching the Twilght Zone.. and very strange considering what I personally have been witness to... VERY confusing

[Reggie]

How does exposing your spouse to STD's figure into the decison to cheat vs divorce.

I see the reasons given for selecting cheating. But, how do you justify the decison with the health risk to your spouse? Even if the emotioanl/psychological damage does not impress you, surely the potential for killing your spouse or permanently altering his or her health must.

[Holding-On]

Reggie.

 

I think you need to start your own thread on why divorce is better than cheating.

(honestly though I think that would an excellent read )

 

Pkn asked the question is "why did you [the WS] choose to cheat instead of divorce" not "why did you not consider your spouse's health and happiness"

Perhaps many adulterers use condoms but I could be hoping for too much there.

 

At any rate this seems to be a thread intended to present/showcase the WS POV.

[Reggie]

Condoms lower, but don't elimnate the risk.

In any case, I would thing that the decision to cheat vs divorce would have to include consideration of the health risk. Why wouldn't it?

[sadintexas]

Let's not forget about the emotional affairs that get blasted and treated no differently than physical affairs (at least in the threads I have read). I guess the health risk rule doesn't apply there. Or those who abstain from acts where health risks would be a consideration. Ya know, the ones where they fool around but don't take it any farther? Although a valid point, it doesn't hold water for a lot of different types of affairs.

 

But for what it's worth, pkn, those same reasons are ones I have heard from people who have cheated on their spouses. One, some, or most tend to apply. I haven't personally been a WS so I can't really contribute to your thread! Interesting read for me though.

[frannie]

I've never been a WS, so I am just commenting on the thread subject if that's OK.

 

I think looking at the lists of reasons why divorce is hard, it's not exactly difficult to see why cheating is the 'easy option' is it? Whenever I read the 'why didn't you just get a divorce!?' question/comment aimed at a WS, I always think about when I'm reading on forums for those affected by infidelity - how many of the BS don't just file for divorce even after finding out their WS has been cheating on them for years? Why is that? Because divorce is difficult!

 

It's easy to throw around the 'why don't you just get a divorce' question, til you're actually faced with divorcing. Then it's not so easy. And that is from BOTH sides; cheater and cheated-on.

[OWoman]

I've never "cheated", though I've never been sexually exclusive till now, but if the question is "why did you not walk away completely from one engagement before beginning another?", I think my answer would have been "because I don't believe one person can meet all of someone's varying needs, nor is it fair to expect two people to be perfectly attuned and aligned to each other at all times." Hence the need for variety.

 

If I go to the ice cream shop, I don't always only choose the same flavour. Sometimes I'm in the mood for vanilla, sometimes for strawberries & cream, and sometimes for thunder & lightning. If I were only allowed chocolate, it would quickly lose its flavour. But if I were allowed anything, I might for a while find myself choosing the same flavour over and over, because it's good. Like my current period of sexual exclusivity with MM, I guess.

 

But on the OP, I'd like to make a couple of comments:

 

1) I just wanted an escape from my marriage not a wholesale change.

a) I did not realize how unhappy I was until I had the affair.

 

Often, this is cited as evidence of the A being some kind of "fog", that makes the WS see their M very differently, and find unhappiness where previously they'd been perfectly happy - as if it were spawning some kind of "false memory". But what you claim is perfectly valid, IMO - when people are trapped in low-level depression, they often cannot afford to admit - to themselves or anyone else - that they're unhappy, so continue with a semblance of happiness, trying to fake it till they make it. Then, if real happiness comes along, it shows up the charade for what it is, and they realise that in fact they've been really unhappy. It's not a reinvention of the past; it's a shift in perspective, like suddenly realising that the reason your cakes always burn is because the temperature gauge on your oven is out.

 

2) The financial cost as the sole bread winner would be HUGE.

a) At least 2/3 of my salary.

 

This varies. Usually the sole bread winner pays rehabilitative maintenance of a reasonable amount for a reasonable time to allow the non-working partner to become employable. Then they're on their own (aside from child support, for any children). But also, any judge would factor in the needs of BOTH partners, not just the one - so a drop of standard for both would be required.

 

In some cases - such as my own - people are far BETTER off financially after D. I realised after I left quite how much money my xH had frittered away on silly things, and how much had gone into servicing his debt.

 

My MM did some calculations recently and discovered, similarly, just how much his W used to spend on junk and luxuries, of joint money. She'd replace kitchen appliances on a whim without consulting him, or book expensive holidays abroad several times a year... all from the "shared" account rather than from her own money. Suddenly, now that she has to pay for her extavagance herself, she's thinking twice, while he's astounded at how much money is left at the end of each month.

 

3) Becoming a part-time parent is an idea I just can't bring myself to accept.

 

Again, this varies. I became a single parent after D, not a part-time one. As have many of my friends, male and female. And, of course, you'r enot constantly having to fight over someone's idiotic ideas of how to bring up children, you actually have a fair shot at instilling sound values without interference. Certainly that was a big motivator for me. Plus, IME, the kids are far happier after a D.

 

4) If divorce is so easy why do the stories over in the divorce forum sound even worse then the ones here?

 

I guess because only people having D problems are likely to post there! My D was pure bliss - best thing I ever did! Took a couple of weeks from start to finish, no fighting and no pain - well, it cost a lot more than I could afford at the time but that was a small price to pay and one I paid gladly.

 

MM's D has been protracted and difficult - because his BW chooses to be difficult and awful - but even so, he reckons it's the best call he's ever made. Rid of her, and no jail term!

[Reggie]

I have to agree with the above re the ease and tranquiity of divorce. My kids are fine. I am better off financially and much happier. And, it's all above board, no lying etc. I'd recommend it as it really is a much better option.

[taylor]

OK, I'm going to try to answer this question using an analogy.

 

Say you have a toothache. You're in pain for days. You try to ignore it. Deny it. The pain comes and goes. You tolerate it some days. Other days it hurts so bad you can't function. You don't take time to deal with it. You hope it will just go away. You think it will if you just hang on a little longer.

 

It doesn't go away. The pain won't be ignored. It's nagging and excruciating.

 

You could go out, get a hatchet and chop your head off. That would stop the pain. (comparable to a messy, nasty divorce in which you lose everything: spouse, house, children, financial security, family, friends).

 

You could get the tooth pulled. (friendly divorce - is that really an option? And do you REALLY want to lose the tooth forever? You care about your tooth but it's causing you PAIN.)

 

You could get an antibiotic to treat the infection. (compromise, reconciliation, MC, patience. No guarantee the problem won't come back).

 

You could take an aspirin to deal with the pain (affair).

 

 

How many people take the aspirin before they break down and go to the doctor's for antibiotic?

 

How many try the aspirin and the antibiotic before they resign themselves to the fact the tooth needs to come out?

 

No one in their right mind wants to chop their whole head off to deal with the pain caused by one tooth.

 

 

The thing with divorce is it goes way beyond solving the problem. I think more people would get divorced if divorce did only what spouses would like it to do - legally separate two people who no longer want to be together. But the thing is, divorce does so much more than that..it affects every aspect of the two spouses' lives...aspects that play absolutely no part in the conflict that is tearing the spouses apart.

 

Divorce would be ideal if it could legally separate two people without affecting all the other aspects of their lives: children, home, finances, family, friends.

 

Affairs are surely not the answer to marital strife just as an aspirin is not the answer to a toothache. But it serves the purpose of removing pain or allowing someone to cope, without disrupting every other aspect of a person's life in the same manner that divorce does..right or wrong.

 

Divorce is also a very deliberate decision with a definite feeling of finality, whereas an affair is often a seized opportunity for temporary relief. An affair is easier and less "scary" to do than divorce.

[SueBee3490]

I have to agree with the above re the ease and tranquiity of divorce. My kids are fine. I am better off financially and much happier. And, it's all above board, no lying etc. I'd recommend it as it really is a much better option.

 

I'm with you Reggie. I divorced my first husband and actually was better off financially. Or maybe I was worse off financially but the emotional heartache of a bad marriage took a toll on me so I knew I felt better but maybe it was the emotional side of it as opposed to the financial end. Sure my kids and I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment (son had a storage closet for a bedroom) but we were happier. I didn't have to worry what he was doing, what money he was spending on someone(something) instead of us, etc. My family was happy - they couldn't stand him. Didn't care what his famiy thought of me, they lived far away. We didn't really have friends incommon - I had mine and he had his. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders - even friends, coworkers, family commented how much happier I seemed. Cheating was never an option - it only complicates an already complicated situation. As Reggie said also with divorce - no more lying, or sneaking around or possibly exposing your spouse or yourself to diseases, etc. Much better off divorcing.

[pkn06002]

Well good to see people finally posting on this thread. I was yesterday where 19 people looked at the thread but no comments.

 

I will say I fall into the thinking that Taylor has posted, yes I viewed the affair as a temporary escape.

 

Divorce was not something I really wanted to do since it is just a dramatic step to take.

 

As far as the sneaking around etc.... etc.... that really does not play into the decision making.

[me4u2]

The thing with divorce is it goes way beyond solving the problem. I think more people would get divorced if divorce did only what spouses would like it to do - legally separate two people who no longer want to be together. But the thing is, divorce does so much more than that..it affects every aspect of the two spouses' lives...aspects that play absolutely no part in the conflict that is tearing the spouses apart.

 

Divorce would be ideal if it could legally separate two people without affecting all the other aspects of their lives: children, home, finances, family, friends.

 

Affairs are surely not the answer to marital strife just as an aspirin is not the answer to a toothache. But it serves the purpose of removing pain or allowing someone to cope, without disrupting every other aspect of a person's life in the same manner that divorce does..right or wrong.

 

Divorce is also a very deliberate decision with a definite feeling of finality, whereas an affair is often a seized opportunity for temporary relief. An affair is easier and less "scary" to do than divorce.

 

That hits home entirely. Although I'm not cheating, I will shamely admit I have thought about it immensely. The feeling, the actions, everything.

 

I'm at a point now where I'm numb. I'm honestly sick of talking about it. I don't even know if I want to address the issues anymore. Maybe I'll muster up the strength in another month or two, I really don't know. In the meantime, I'm staying in my marriage even though I feel mentally checked out.

 

I think I'm starting to see how people slip slide into things they would never dream of doing.

[pkn06002]

Tell you what donnamaybe if I go down the road of divorce it is not a path I am pulling back from. Because for me to even serve those papers would cause me to emotionally break completely free from my marriage. I know my personality that if I do that there is no going back.

 

The affair allowed me to get escape and still hold some of the emotional connection to the marriage. Where divorce for me will sever that relationship totally. You keep making the mistake thinking I really care about how much my affair has hurt my wife. That "loving partner" you keep mentioning is NOT ME in my marriage anymore.

[taylor]

Sorry, did not mean to re-post. Not quite sure how that happened...anyways...

 

I see your point donnamaybe..that the threat of divorce could serve as a wake-up call to address problems in a marriage.

 

But what about the "crying wolf" syndrome...the "I'm going to divorce you if..." That card can be played many times over in a bad marriage. Holding the divorce ticket over someone's head isn't the best route to go, IMO.

 

I also understand the paranoia and the "not good enough" feelings a BS endures following the discovery of an affair BUT I would venture to guess many divorced people also go through a long period of feeling like "failures," like they weren't "good enough," or fearful to take the leap again paranoid that their next relationship may end in divorce as well.

 

I hate to venture too far into this discussion as I haven't experienced all sides of this issue.

 

My affair was an emotional one. I was unhappy, both with my marriage and with myself. The thought of divorce never crossed my mind and certainly was never discussed. My husband and I chose to brush our problems under the carpet, put on happy faces, and hope they would all go away. I dealt with the pain by building a wall around my heart and focusing all my attention on other aspects of my life..job, kids, activities.

 

When I met the OM, I was not looking for fun, excitement, or adventure. He was just someone I got to know slowly over time who I allowed to become important to me. I knew I was in trouble when I started realizing how he could affect me emotionally. He found his way into my heart and all the deadness and emptiness that had resided there for a long time just disappeared.

 

The affair ended when work changes separated us. He was too afraid to take the affair outside of work and I felt too guilty. There wasn't much sneaking around or lying in my case because the entire affair was confined to the workplace.

 

My husband and I are working at reconciliation because we think there is something to be salvaged. Only time will tell for sure. We don't want to throw the whole baby out because the bathwater turned cold and dirty.

[SueBee3490]

The thing with divorce is it goes way beyond solving the problem. I think more people would get divorced if divorce did only what spouses would like it to do - legally separate two people who no longer want to be together. But the thing is, divorce does so much more than that..it affects every aspect of the two spouses' lives...aspects that play absolutely no part in the conflict that is tearing the spouses apart.

 

Exactly what an affair does. It affects everyone involved. People in affairs tend to believe it only affects them and their partner. It affects the children, family, friends.

 

Divorce would be ideal if it could legally separate two people without affecting all the other aspects of their lives: children, home, finances, family, friends.

 

Again affairs do this too.

 

Affairs are surely not the answer to marital strife just as an aspirin is not the answer to a toothache. But it serves the purpose of removing pain or allowing someone to cope, without disrupting every other aspect of a person's life in the same manner that divorce does..right or wrong.

 

Affairs don't remove the pain - it actually adds another layer of pain to the marriage.

 

Divorce is also a very deliberate decision with a definite feeling of finality, whereas an affair is often a seized opportunity for temporary relief. An affair is easier and less "scary" to do than divorce.

 

But an affair is a finality in it's own way. You can never go back once you have an affair.

[Owl]

 

 

You could take an aspirin to deal with the pain (affair).

 

 

How many people take the aspirin before they break down and go to the doctor's for antibiotic?

 

How many try the aspirin and the antibiotic before they resign themselves to the fact the tooth needs to come out?

 

No one in their right mind wants to chop their whole head off to deal with the pain caused by one tooth.

 

Taylor, your analogy only works if you look at it COMPLETLY internally to the WS.

 

If you want to make it more accurate...say instead of "taking an aspirin"...say..."multiply that pain by 100x and then give it to your spouse"....then it might be more accurate.

 

Your analogy doesn't take into account the COST of that aspirin in any fashion.

 

A doctor wouldn't prescribe it if it cost $20, 000 a pill, now would he?

 

He'd seek a more cost effective, REALISTIC treatment before he'd resort to something that cost more than the patient could afford...or would cause someone else massive amounts of pain and suffering.

[pkn06002]

I note how many times you used the words I & me in that post.

 

Your point is what?

 

If I had instead "us" or "we" I would not be here now would I.

 

Sorry hurt people become selfish, just look at all the post from BS. All you read about is how the affair effected them and how hurt they are. Well guess what WS feel hurt just as much and in a lot of cases for a much longer time. Oh but that's right the WS is just supposed to suck it up since only infidelity is the painful abuse.

[taylor]

Taylor, your analogy only works if you look at it COMPLETLY internally to the WS.

 

If you want to make it more accurate...say instead of "taking an aspirin"...say..."multiply that pain by 100x and then give it to your spouse"....then it might be more accurate.

 

Your analogy doesn't take into account the COST of that aspirin in any fashion.

 

A doctor wouldn't prescribe it if it cost $20, 000 a pill, now would he?

 

He'd seek a more cost effective, REALISTIC treatment before he'd resort to something that cost more than the patient could afford...or would cause someone else massive amounts of pain and suffering.

 

You are right, Owl. I can only answer this question from the perspective of a WS, not the BS but the original post seemed to be looking for the WS response..perhaps what is in a WS's head when they choose to enter an affair rather than enter a divorce court.

 

As far as considering the COST of the aspirin. That's where the selfish aspect of an affair comes in. WS DO NOT consider ANYTHING accept alleviating the pain or enjoying the feeling...at least while they are caught in the moment. Very little thought is given to spouse, children, consequences...cost. They want what they want, no matter the cost.

 

And, if I may add, divorce also causes massive amounts of pain and suffering as well.

 

One point I'd beg to differ with you on. You assume couples in marital turmoil will go to the doctor's (MC) for help, just like you would assume people with an excruciating toothache would go to the dentist. Sounds logical, but often is not the reality of the situation.

 

My husband and I KNEW our marriage had problems. I told him we were in trouble. I told him I wanted to go to MC. He didn't want to hear it..thought we could work it out without anyone else involved. He buried his head further in the sand. I looked for other ways to fill voids in my life..kids, job, activities. We grew more distant as I "replaced" him with other things that gave me fulfillment. This is how I chose to cope with the emptiness in my life.

 

Two years later I had an affair. It was the final act of "replacement."

[OWoman]

Exactly what an affair does. It affects everyone involved. People in affairs tend to believe it only affects them and their partner. It affects the children, family, friends.

 

Divorce would be ideal if it could legally separate two people without affecting all the other aspects of their lives: children, home, finances, family, friends.

 

Again affairs do this too.

 

Sometimes. Sometimes the converse. My MM's A brought him back to his family, helped him reconnect with his job, friends, home, etc after decades of alienation through his M. Hearing his kids say how wonderful it is to get to know him, to be close to him as they never were before (during the M) makes us all feel warm. Getting messages from his parents saying how glad they are to have their son back likewise. And getting thanked by his colleagues for returning him to the fold, too.

[OWoman]

As far as considering the COST of the aspirin. That's where the selfish aspect of an affair comes in. WS DO NOT consider ANYTHING accept alleviating the pain or enjoying the feeling...at least while they are caught in the moment. Very little thought is given to spouse, children, consequences...cost. They want what they want, no matter the cost.

 

In some cases, they see the benefits that an A brings for others (happier kids, less turmoil in the home, etc) and that justifies the cost (to the BS) still further. On balance, one person's suffering (the BS) - particularly where they were the source of everyone else's unhappiness - doesn't weigh much against the happiness of everyone else.