why did you not take the option of divorce?

[taylor]

Where on earth did you come up with the idea that mention of divorce or actual divorce are permanent? There are tons of relationships where divorce has been discussed or actually instituted that survive. The characterization of mentioning or instituting divorce as final is merely your feeling on it. It is different for other people, just like the concept of repairing a marriage after an affair varies. Some can do it. Some cannot abide it.

 

Actual divorce is permanent. There aren't too many people who remarry their exes. But maybe someone can take a poll on the divorce forum to see how many DH and DW remarry their exes. What do you think the percentage is?

 

And yes, it is my feeling that once a spouse decides he/she wants a divorce and has the guts to ask for one, there is no turning back. I would not want to "work on" a marriage that my spouse wanted out of.

 

For some, the word divorce may serve as an alarm bell to "wake-up." To me, it's a death toll.

 

And yes, I agree with you, that the concept of reparing a marriage after an affair is doable by some, not doable by others. To some, an affair can be viewed as a "wake-up" call. To others, it is a death toll.

 

 

I'd venture that the vast majority of BS's would be more ammenable to reviving a relationship where their spouse had divorced them or mentioned divorce vs cheated on them.

 

Again, these would be a great questions to post on the divorce forum:

 

Would you remarry your ex if he divorced you then changed his mind?

 

Would you reconcile with your spouse if he/she cheated on you?

 

I can't answer either one of these questions because I have not been there, done that.

 

 

Therapist will tell you that both situations cause pain, but infidelity causes substantially more pain. There is plenty of literature on this.

 

My father's affair caused my mother unsurmountable pain and grief. The divorce brought relief and resignation. But in my eyes, as a child, my father's affair provoked anger; the divorce, utter devastation.

[taylor]

Once you stop caring, is it really a marriage at all except on paper ?

 

Once you stop caring, ie., indifference settles in, it is just a marriage on paper.

 

That's why indifference is a marriage's worst enemy.

 

This is the point I reached just prior to the affair.

 

Had my husband and I decided to divorce, the affair would have been considered an "exit affair." Instead, we consider it a "wake-up call."

[taylor]

Wouldn't you consider infidelity emotional abuse? Were you abusive in this regard?

YES!! Infidelity is an extreme form of emotional abuse. And yes, my affair was emotionally abusive to my husband.

 

The emotional abuse of an affair begins before D-day. A spouse can sense the distancing, the pulling away, the alienation, the irritability, the "checked out" feeling LONG before the affair is discovered. They know something is wrong. It nags at them. But they can't quite put their finger on what is causing the emotional confusion.

 

And then there's the shock on D-day. And that's just the beginning of the emotional roller coaster ride.

 

BUT, I also think it is emotional abuse to hold the threat of divorce over your spouse's head every time your marriage hits a rough spot. It's not unconditional love if you constantly remind your spouse, "I'm going to leave you if you don't do this or don't do that."

 

In all fairness, it would not be unconditional love, either, if you constantly reminded your spouse, "I'm going to have an affair unless you start giving me sex, attention, etc."

 

Both are emotional threats designed to instil fear and insecurity.

 

As a parent, would you threaten your child by telling him you are going to leave him or throw him out if he doesn't start behaving?

 

One OP suggested it's OK to bring up divorce even if you have no intention of going thru with it....to use the divorce ticket to coerce your spouse into changing his behavior.

 

In my book, if you bring up divorce, you better mean it. If you say you want to sever ties, my response would be, "Hand me the scissors and let me do the honor."

[taylor]

How do the kids cope? What do I tell my kids about the choices of their father that will make them not hate him anymore than they already do? I am aware that many think that children have no say so, no emotion and are too stupid to know what is going on, but maybe they ought to try to find out what the kids really do know.

 

BNB, I don't know how old your children are but there may come a time when they are grown that they will begin to understand the dynamics of what happened.

 

My father's affair was discovered when I was 12 yo. I was angry with him. I hated watching what it did to my mother. My father went on to marry the OW. I was jealous that her children had my father. I was jealous that they had nice vacations to go on and lived in a beautiful home while my mother had to stuggle financially to make ends meet for her family. My mother never remarried and had alot of loneliness and depression to deal with. He was the only man she ever loved. My mom and I have an extremely tight bond because of what we all went thru at that time.

 

But, once I grew up I realized my father and mother were never compatible. They were emotionally abusive to each other. He neglected her and spent little time at home. She gave him the silent treatment for months at a time when he was home. And in between, they fought like cats and dogs. They should have divorced years before the affair.

 

My father was much happier with the OW. Totally compatible. She worshipped him. I could see how much they loved each other and how kind they were to each other.

 

It was just meant to be.

 

Of course, your story will be different from mine. But the point is a child's perspective can be far different than an adult's perspective.

 

What helped me most to come to terms with the affair and the divorce was that my father ALWAYS stayed in my life. He was a bad husband to my mother; but a wonderful dad to us kids. That made all the difference.

 

I have had many talks with my dad about what happened. I felt his regret and remorse over how he mismanaged his marriage to my mother and his decision to engage in an affair. He carried the guilt a long, long time. I told him I forgave him. I told him it was time for him to forgive himself and let go of the guilt. I don't think he ever did.

[OWoman]

Pk, the infidelity was the final straw , from my perspective, in a long history of abuse. It was a blessing, if I look at it rationally. I checked out of my marriage a few years earlier, detaching as recommended in the reading I'd done on dealing with the personality disorderd.

At the time I detached, I did not know I was doing it, it wa instinctive, a self preservation method. MY wife would repeatedly douse me with freezing cold water when i showered in the morning. She would call me a POS if I accidentally bumped into her. SHe called me a woman and told me I had no male genitals. She treated my sons, one with a severe disability, her stepsons, like dirt and I , like a coward, allowed this to happen. I would take my boys with me at all times and get out of the house to avoid her abuse. And, the silent treatments-don't get me started.

I can sympathize with your lonlieness and desperation dealing with what appears to be a similarly disordered wife. Many of the things you describe, the discounting your opinions, the relegation to second class citizen status, being treated like an outsider in family decisions.

Like your wife, my wife was incapable of compromise and she never, ever apooogized for anything in our 10 year marriage.

I took way too long in getting to the point of divorcing. I needed to detach for a while, to get my strenght, but i did it way too long, well past the point where I should have taken action.

I suggest you read up on Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders too see if your wife fits the criteria. You may have doubts and may think it is all you and that you are the disordered one. This is because after living with this monstrous disorder for years, you are beaten down, brainwashed inot thinking everything is your fault.

I can understand the desire to cheat and get away, I can. But, I do take responsibility for being a doormat and having an underdeveloped sense of entitlement.

Nice thing about co-dependency, if that is what this is, as opposed to a personality disorder is that it is treatable and you can overcome it. But, if you are truly in a relationship with an abusing, personality disordered spouse, you need to get out and take care of yourself.

Men in these abusive relationships are viewed with skepticism re what they have been through. But, there is now, finally, a lot of literature based on studies about just how prevalent abuse by women is.

Check out www.bpdfamily.com and read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

 

Your xW sounds very like my MM's s2bxW. He found that book enormously helpful - and recognised himself in the description of co-narcissism (I think it was on that site - or some other similar). It helped him follow through with the IC (and FC with the kids) and helped him muster the courage to leave.

 

But in his case, it took an A to show him that things could be different. Yes, he knew his W was damaged; her whole family is deeply damaged and he thought for a long time that he could fix her. But he didn't know just how damaged; and he didn't know jusst how damaging. He had no idea that Rs were different to the abuse he was experiencing at home - they'd been together sincce he was a kid - and he had bought into her version that it was somehow due to his own deficiency (as outlined in that book). It took a NORMAL R with a NORMAL woman for him to realise just how screwed up things were in their M, and to be able to see a vision of a world where it was not so. Conceiving of D would not have been possible without that perspective.

[Reggie]

YES!! Infidelity is an extreme form of emotional abuse. And yes, my affair was emotionally abusive to my husband.

 

The emotional abuse of an affair begins before D-day. A spouse can sense the distancing, the pulling away, the alienation, the irritability, the "checked out" feeling LONG before the affair is discovered. They know something is wrong. It nags at them. But they can't quite put their finger on what is causing the emotional confusion.

 

And then there's the shock on D-day. And that's just the beginning of the emotional roller coaster ride.

 

BUT, I also think it is emotional abuse to hold the threat of divorce over your spouse's head every time your marriage hits a rough spot. It's not unconditional love if you constantly remind your spouse, "I'm going to leave you if you don't do this or don't do that."

 

In all fairness, it would not be unconditional love, either, if you constantly reminded your spouse, "I'm going to have an affair unless you start giving me sex, attention, etc."

 

Both are emotional threats designed to instil fear and insecurity.

 

As a parent, would you threaten your child by telling him you are going to leave him or throw him out if he doesn't start behaving?

 

One OP suggested it's OK to bring up divorce even if you have no intention of going thru with it....to use the divorce ticket to coerce your spouse into changing his behavior.

 

In my book, if you bring up divorce, you better mean it. If you say you want to sever ties, my response would be, "Hand me the scissors and let me do the honor."

 

Yes, but we were not talking about holding the threat of divorce constantly over a spouse's head. Mentioning that the marriage was not working and that you are considering divorce unless things change is not the same dynamic.

[pkn06002]

Yes, but we were not talking about holding the threat of divorce constantly over a spouse's head. Mentioning that the marriage was not working and that you are considering divorce unless things change is not the same dynamic.

 

It is also not effective unless you start the process.

People on this thread keep saying they will not start that process unless they intend to finish it.

[Reggie]

I will bet that most WS once they get to the point of mentioning divorce want NOTHING to do with reviving the relationship. They have mentally checked out and really want nothing to do with the other person. My xMW was all ready to leave her marriage, she was done. But her the fact she would be effecting her kids made her stay and give her husband another shot.

 

I too have read the threads where people save the marriage after divorce is discussed or even started. But those relationships are the exceptions not the rule. Tell you what most people that I know that have done just that get divorced 5-10 years later for the same reasons they originally wanted out for. They regret the fact they stayed in the relationship and wasted those extra years.

 

Why would a spouse even need to contemplate an event like divorce to force their spouse to act like they should've in the first place? Before you comment "is an affair the answer then", no it is not. As has been mentioned already the affair is an escape to cope with a crappy marriage.

 

It is always strikes me funny how BS's seem to think they are driving the bus when it comes to reviving the relationship. That they get to make all the decisions and call all the shots. Sorry once something like an affair or divorce discussion happens everyone is reinterviewing for the relationship.

 

Reggie let me ask you another question.

 

You mentioned in the other thread that your wife was a lot like mine and that you took abuse for a long time before getting divorced. What caused you to get divorced? Was it your proactive actions to get her to change or a response to her cheating?

 

Maybe if they have already cheated and are a WS, you are right. I was thinking of broaching the possibility of divorce before the A.

[Reggie]

Your xW sounds very like my MM's s2bxW. He found that book enormously helpful - and recognised himself in the description of co-narcissism (I think it was on that site - or some other similar). It helped him follow through with the IC (and FC with the kids) and helped him muster the courage to leave.

 

But in his case, it took an A to show him that things could be different. Yes, he knew his W was damaged; her whole family is deeply damaged and he thought for a long time that he could fix her. But he didn't know just how damaged; and he didn't know jusst how damaging. He had no idea that Rs were different to the abuse he was experiencing at home - they'd been together sincce he was a kid - and he had bought into her version that it was somehow due to his own deficiency (as outlined in that book). It took a NORMAL R with a NORMAL woman for him to realise just how screwed up things were in their M, and to be able to see a vision of a world where it was not so. Conceiving of D would not have been possible without that perspective.

 

Fortunately, I had been in other relationships and knew the difference. It was my kids(not my sons from a previous marriage) and my wanting to preserve our family that kept me in.It's an insidious dynamic and a disordred person waits until you are firmly enmeshed via kids our other obligations before ramping the abuse up.

[Reggie]

It is also not effective unless you start the process.

People on this thread keep saying they will not start that process unless they intend to finish it.

 

I don't believe this is true at all. And, I'm not sure why Taylor uses only the extreme example of holding divorce constantly over the spouses head vs mentioning it seriously, in a respectful manner.

Of course, if you exagerate things, like continually bringing divorce into play in minor dissatifaction instances, it is not useful or effective. But, why exagerate this concept?

[taylor]

Yes, but we were not talking about holding the threat of divorce constantly over a spouse's head. Mentioning that the marriage was not working and that you are considering divorce unless things change is not the same dynamic.

 

Turning a marriage around is a process. I know. I am in the midst of doing that right now with my husband.

 

That said, I also realize that the process entails taking two steps forward and one step back. Like all recoveries, there are setbacks, lag times, wrong turns. Throw the towel in. Pick it back up. Try, try again. Give up. Try again.

 

So what happens when you use the divorce ticket to coerce your spouse to change his behavior and then the recovery runs into a snag, a rut, a setback? What happens when the spouse falls off the marital "wagon" during the recovery time? Do you pull out the divorce ticket AGAIN to get him and the recovery back on track? Or do you use some other kind of tactic?

 

This is why I inferred that divorce can be held over someone's head and used by a spouse over and over again until the marriage recovers to a point that is acceptable to that spouse.

 

I still think holding divorce over a spouse's head undermines recovery.

 

It would be no different than if my spouse told me he would have an affair if he didn't get enough sex from me. That would not make me want to have sex with him. It would make me want to hand him the phone and tell him to set up his little tryst at the hotel of his choice.

[taylor]

But that's not what it would be. You need to listen and digest the information that's being shared here. It would be providing information to your spouse of the seriousness of the marital problems. You don't approach someone and say, "If you don't do things the way I want, I'm gonna file for divorce!" No, of course not. You say something like, "Honey, I love you, and I want us to both be happy in this relationship. I'm not happy. Though I've explained this to you time and again, you seem to not realize how serious this situation is. We have to do something, or I'm afraid our marriage is in big trouble. I want us to stay together, and we have to discuss how we can do that."

 

Now, does that sound like someone "holding divorce over a spouse's head?" No, it does not. It sounds like a person who fears for the state of their marriage and wants to do everything in their power to prevent it from disintegrating.

 

Nowhere in your quote here do you even say the word DIVORCE.

 

This is not a good example of what you implied in your previous posts.

You appear to be backpeddling.

[Owl]

It is also not effective unless you start the process.

People on this thread keep saying they will not start that process unless they intend to finish it.

 

Not completely true.

 

I've been staying off this thread for the most part, but there are a ton of assumptions on BOTH sides of this argument that should be mentioned here.

 

I feel that "threats"...of any kind...are indeed abusive and definitely not the way to deal in a love relationship...period.

 

The 'threat' of divorce...the 'threat' of "if you don't do XXX, I'll go find someone who can"...etc...

 

Totally outside the bounds of what anyone SHOULD do in a relationship.

 

Just like cheating.

 

But with that said, it was the FACT that I was seriously contemplating divorce that finally got my wife's eyes open to the damage she'd done, and was doing.

 

I've retold my story on this site ad nauseum...so won't rehash what most people have heard. Long distance emotional affair, OM bought her plane tickets to leave the family and go live with him on d-day. She ended up not going...but stayed, and remained in contact with him off and on for almost two months after d-day.

 

Refused to commit to the marriage...we'd started plans for a trial seperation.

 

Her loose "plan" at the time was to seperate...and then keep both OM and I in her life.

 

But when I realized that she fully intended that "trial" seperation to last for a year or more, it was the last straw. I contacted a lawyer through my company's support system, and spent an hour getting the basic information on divorce in my state.

 

When I got home that night, and things started out again...I sat her down and shared the information. And told her point blank that if she intended a year long seperation, then I would consider that a PERMANENT seperation...and would insist that we file for divorce.

 

It was the first time in 17 years that I'd ever brought up the subject of divorce.

 

She was poleaxed. It was a huge "wake up call" for her to realize that she'd pushed things to that point...to a point where I was no longer willing to "fight" for our marriage.

 

That was the first night...the first step in our reconciliation.

 

But...it wasn't a "threat". I want to make it clear. I meant every single word I said.

 

My point is that I didn't have to start the process...all I did was get information.

 

Affairs are catalysts for change in a marriage. So are seperations and filing for divorce. Nothing is PERMANENT until the final judgement and that paperwork is signed.

 

What an affairs, seperations, and divorce initiations all have in common is that they signify a limit...a boundary...of what one or the other person will accept in the marriage. And they often function as a "wake up call" for one or both spouses.

 

The problem is that infidelity causes the most emotional trauma and devestation of the three. Its the one that comes with the highest "price tag"... Its the one that creates the most damage that the couple has to attempt to overcome if they try to reconcile after that boundary is reached.

 

I've said this before. I'm a combat vet. I've seen things and done things that I simply cannot describe here. I suffered from PTSD when I came back...was treated for it for quite some time.

 

I suffered PTSD a second time in my life...as a result of my wife's affair. While the second one was much more easily treated, that was far more due to my recognizing what it was immediately and getting the right help. It was not a reflection of the SEVERITY of it.

 

The emotional trauma was at least equal both times.

 

I don't know if that "drives it home" for anyone as to just how devestating this all is for a lot of BS's...but I hope so.

 

And that's why you see such emotional arguments ranging back and forth on the topic of things that "should have been done OTHER than cheating".

 

The scope of the emotional damage done by a cheating spouse is often compeletely outside their ability to comprehend...try as hard as they might, they often just don't "get" how bad this all affected their BS.

 

They especially don't "get" it right after d-day, nor do they "get it" while they're working through their own emotional truama of withdrawl and such. Its later, when they can start to look outside themselves that they start to get the scope of what's done. When they realize that a year later...their BS is STILL suffering from their actions.

 

Sorry for the rant...but I was hoping that it might provide a little insight.

[taylor]

Owl,

 

I respect what you are saying here. And I do think it all boils down to each individual's interpretation/emotional response to words such as "affair", "seperation", "divorce."

 

Like I said in a previous post, but in different words, to some, an affair would be THE dealbreaker.

 

In my book, if my husband came to me and said he was filing for DIVORCE for whatever reason, THAT would be the dealbreaker. All talk would cease. My bags would be packed and I'd be out the door. I would not want to be with someone who took steps to deliberately dissolve our marriage.

 

We will all have to agree to disagree as we are all individuals with differing emotional tolerances.

[taylor]

duplicate post

[taylor]

And if my man was screwing another woman, THAT would signify to ME that the marriage was dissolved.

 

:)We finally agree on something! Yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me, too.

[pkn06002]

Oh never mind

[Owl]

:)We finally agree on something! Yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me, too.

 

So...an honest question here...

 

You've outlined that you would consider your H coming to you to discuss divorce as a dealbreaker....

 

And you've outlined cheating as a dealbreaker....

 

 

A lot of the discussion here has been how an affair is often catalyst for change...when there's been no success in any other means to deal with the problem...

 

If he can't talk divorce with you in the hopes of getting you to "open your eyes"...and cheating would also be a dealbreaker...just what COULD your H do as that massive "eye opener" that wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

 

Are you following me?

 

It sounds to me like there ARE no "trump cards" that he could play that would be something to FORCE your eyes open if you'd been completely unresponsive to any of his prior attempts.

 

What do you suggest that he try as an alternate to these things?

[taylor]

Not one single iota. You'll grasp at anything to try to be "right" won't you?

 

Saying a marriage is "in trouble" certainly implies a possible divorce, unless you're TOTALLY dim witted. I think anyone with half a brain would understand what I meant, were it said to them by their spouse.

 

I'm not saying you are dim witted or without half a brain, but you are playing at being so in order to avoid admitting that what I say makes perfect sense.

 

Opinions aren't right or wrong. Nor are feelings right or wrong. We are all entitled to our opinions and feelings.

 

But I don't think telling your spouse your marriage is "in trouble" is the same thing as saying you are contemplating DIVORCE or filing for DIVORCE. Saying a marriage is in trouble is making an observation as to the state of the marriage. Saying you are considering divorce is implying an action/decision with respect to the marriage. One goes way beyond the other, in my book.

 

If you go back and reread your previous posts, you will see how many times you say "talking about divorce" is a good thing. Yet you don't even use the word in your example of how you would approach a spouse to discuss a troubled marriage. I just thought it was odd you would imply the word but not say it directly.

 

It's just my opinion, but if a spouse wants to talk about divorce, talk DIVORCE..no beating around the bush.

[carhill]

When the guy gets served the *divorce* papers, he knows his marriage is in trouble

[pkn06002]

And here I was getting ready to answer you! lol

 

Telling your spouse "Our marriage is in trouble" and "I want us to stay together, and we have to discuss how we can do that" certainly implies there is an alternative if you DON'T fix the problems; the alternative being NOT staying together which equals divorce.

 

I think anyone can get that concept.

 

Sorry have tried that before (in this relationship and others), no dice.

 

Why because the "implied" consequences really have no teeth. Because I am nice enough that no one would ever believe I was going to take that route. So unless I call the bluff and actually do the events nothing happens.

 

I dated a woman for 5.5 years in the last 6 months of that relationship I tried to talk to her about changes that were needed. She would not change until I broke up and moved out. Once I made that decision I was done with the relationship, no going back to it for me.

 

Divorce is the same thing for me personally. No have way like Owl was able to do. I start down that path I am finishing it.

[pkn06002]

So...an honest question here...

 

You've outlined that you would consider your H coming to you to discuss divorce as a dealbreaker....

 

And you've outlined cheating as a dealbreaker....

 

 

A lot of the discussion here has been how an affair is often catalyst for change...when there's been no success in any other means to deal with the problem...

 

If he can't talk divorce with you in the hopes of getting you to "open your eyes"...and cheating would also be a dealbreaker...just what COULD your H do as that massive "eye opener" that wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

 

Are you following me?

 

It sounds to me like there ARE no "trump cards" that he could play that would be something to FORCE your eyes open if you'd been completely unresponsive to any of his prior attempts.

 

What do you suggest that he try as an alternate to these things?

 

You bring up a good point here does not seem to be alternatives that people can take. Why because unless there are consequences some people will not change.

[pkn06002]

So let your marriage go to ruin instead? That's a great solution. Either way, no matter which way you spin things, if you have marital problems, then, your marriage will ALWAYS wind up over. Sad.

 

You need to remember that I told my wife about my affair. I could've keep it quite and never told her. I was already forcing change after the "I love you but I don't love you" speech and the fact I also told her that if by January 1st I was not happy I was moving out and we were divorcing.

 

I am find that once I started on that path I am going down it. Because the issues I am uncovering are filling me with resentment and anger. Things that make me NOT want to recover anything.

 

So there you go a great example of why even starting that path leads to no where.

[Owl]

You bring up a good point here does not seem to be alternatives that people can take. Why because unless there are consequences some people will not change.

 

Because many people simply don't understand the severity of the situation until its put that bluntly to them.

 

This isn't just in marriages...I've seen any number of people lose jobs because of the exact same kind of mindset.

 

They don't understand the depth of the problem until they see what the alternatives of fixing the problem are.

 

And...a lot of times its when things seem to hit rock bottom that BOTH parties start communicating openly and honestly about the problems...but they don't UNTIL then.

 

That's a huge part of what happened in my situation.

 

I couldn't get my wife to talk to me about the problems and issues....until d-day hit.

 

But once it appeared she didn't have anything to lose by being "brutally honest" with me...she started talking about the problems...and it gave me the insight I needed to help resolve them.

 

But there wasnt' a darn thing I could do UNTIL that point to get her to communicate with me.

 

Hitting rock bottom is when most people can stop falling, and start climbing.

[taylor]

So...an honest question here...

 

You've outlined that you would consider your H coming to you to discuss divorce as a dealbreaker....

 

And you've outlined cheating as a dealbreaker....

 

 

A lot of the discussion here has been how an affair is often catalyst for change...when there's been no success in any other means to deal with the problem...

 

If he can't talk divorce with you in the hopes of getting you to "open your eyes"...and cheating would also be a dealbreaker...just what COULD your H do as that massive "eye opener" that wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

 

Are you following me?

 

It sounds to me like there ARE no "trump cards" that he could play that would be something to FORCE your eyes open if you'd been completely unresponsive to any of his prior attempts.

 

What do you suggest that he try as an alternate to these things?

 

First, let me preface this by saying I don't have a clue what the BEST catalyst is to illicit change in a troubled marriage. If I did, I would have used it. Instead, an emotional affair permeated my marriage and served as the catalyst (albeit, a negative one) for change.

 

My husband and I had several discussions about our marriage "not working" and about our marriage being "in trouble" and about us both being "unhappy" and "scared" and about my desire to try MC. These discussions, all initiated by myself, did nothing to illicit change.

 

We NEVER discussed divorce. I didn't want that. I wanted my marriage more than anything. But I wanted us to be happier, more connected. I wanted change.

 

Nothing happened for 2 more years. I stopped talking about it. Stopped trying to fix it. Grew weary. Gave up. Tried to accept it for what it was, growing more and more unhappy as time went on. You know the rest of the story.

 

But I can tell you what were turning points in our recovery, which began about 8 months ago. Two things that served as catalysts that made me stop in my tracks and realize I was going to lose my marriage and my husband if I didn't start making some changes:

 

1. My husband decided to sleep in the spare bedroom.

 

2. My husband curled up in a ball on the bed and told me he was dying inside.

 

Those two events were major catalysts for me to make some major changes in myself and in my relationship with my husband..to roll up my sleeves and get down to the business of reviving our marriage.

 

I'm sure this doesn't answer your question, Owl, but it's the best I can do.