My ex-girlfriend broke my "no contact" request? What now?

[complication]

Long story short...we dated for a year. She lost feelings, had a bumpy breakup where I fought for it for a few days, bla bla. I told her we could be friends, 3 weeks later after no contact she texted me. I misinterpreted it, she validly said we could be friends, so after a few discussions I made it clear...

 

-No direct contact

-Cannot be friends

-In passing, we can be friendly

 

She obeyed my request by telling her roommate a few days after to ask me a question for her since she knew not to contact me. Maybe 4 weeks back, I was walking to get coffee, and I passed her. She came with me, we had fun, but nothing else. 2 weeks pass, and we still had no contact, but in passing we'd wave. I started each contact directly, she didn't.

 

Exactly 2 weeks ago, we both stopped in passing, and I told her it felt weird to talk to her. She got annoyed and left. For the next two weeks, I completely completley ignored her, in passing like 8 or 9 times I didn't acknowledge her at all. ZERO. Not even a wave. The most recent time she walked right at me, all I said was 'hey" and I went back to my conversation with my buddy. She sat down, glanced up at me every couple of times while I was in the distance.

 

A few days ago, halloween day, I changed my picture on facebook to Michael Myers. She messaged me, breaking no contact, saying "love your new profile pic". I still ignored it.

 

What the hell is going on, why did she break no contact after I've been ignoring her and not actually stopping to talk?

 

CLIFFS: Told ex no contact and cannot handle being friends, 2 months post breakup I finally started to stop acknowledging her in passing. I ignored her for two weeks straight, and she broke no contact and messaged me with "love your new facebook profile pic". Why is she doing this?

[lofi_tokyo]

You were in her life for a whole year. Its weird going full no contact. Though you've told her to respect NC in its entirety, she probably figures after two weeks you'll be okay.

That was the case with my ex anyways. I went full NC, blatantly, and he kept trying to contact me after about 2.5 weeks. I told him I did not want to be his friend, I told him I did not intend to talk to him, I told him I did not want to hear about the girl he left me for... and he accepted that, but SOMEHOW figured after two and a half weeks, I'd be over it.

 

So maybe thats the case with your ex. She just doesn't understand NC means NC for a long time!

 

It could also be that shes breaking NC because she wants your attention. As I said, you dated for a long time. Shes probably feeling your absence and wanting you back - partially. If she wanted you back permanently, she'd make it known.

 

If you're not ready to talk to her, don't. You told her the deal, don't give into her ploys to get you to talk to her, eventually she'll figure it out: you're doing NC and thats final!

[complication]

It's weird, our breakup was not for bad reasons. I couldn't understand it, but now I do. We never really fought, never cheated, no arguing, so we had a very healthy relationship.

 

We've been broken up for 2 months, and probably 1.25 full of no contact implied. I believe she may be interested in two other guys, but I am not for sure, it could be friendly or not.

 

Oddly, I want the gratification of her saying to me, "i ****ed up and want you back". Not that I would take her back, but just to hear it would make me so much happier.

 

By ignoring her text, I hope it makes it more clear I don't want to speak to her...yet at the same time, I don't want her to be driven away and not say what I want to hear. If that makes sense?

 

PS - I appreciate your reply!

[BCCA]

"i ****ed up and want you back"

 

In all honesty, most women would DIE before they said that. At most, you'll get some mixed signals here and there, but I've never actually heard of anyone being that direct or swallowing their pride like that.

 

Tokyo makes an excellent point. She probably doesnt want to lose you entirely from her life - at least until she has a suitable replacement - so while she understands where youre coming from, she is more concerned with what she wants/needs. She just wants to know that you dont hate her, and that someone out there loves her. If it was anything more, she would make it a lot clearer (although I doubt youll ever get "i f'd up, I want you back")

 

Why is she doing this? She's being kind of selfish. She wants what she wants, and is alright with it making you unhappy. Thats not to say shes a terrible person and this is some calculated effort to make you feel bad, shes just not thinking past what she wants - to be able to talk to you/see you as she pleases.

[lofi_tokyo]

What you're saying totally makes sense!

 

My ex kept trying to contact me, and I just felt plain bad about not replying. I'm not an angry person, I can't hold grudges, and yeah, I didn't want him to think I hate him, because I don't. So I replied one day and gave him very brief to the point answers, even then I was scared that would push him away. So finally I talked to him openly last night and yeah - I have a crazy post about it where I'm on a glory trip, but it turned out okay!

 

I guess the big thing to ask yourself is:

Are you afraid of pushing her away because you want her to possibly come back someday, or are you afraid of pushing her away because someday you want a friendship to come of things?

 

If you want to reply because you don't want to finalize the idea of her leaving you, then... don't reply! Its time to let go!

 

If you want to maintain a friendship... well prepare yourself for the worst I suppose. I was lucky, when I contacted my ex, we'll he mentioned his girlfriend, and how they hang out, but I didn't care, and it made me feel great! However, as many people seem to post on these forums, that is not normally the case, hearing their ex has truly moved on is hurtful.

 

To be honest, I broke NC, I don't regret it, in fact, it showed me just how happy my life really is. But thats not for everyone. Blah I'm going on a tangent here so I'll stop and let you reply and see if I can be less crazy lol.

[lofi_tokyo]

"i ****ed up and want you back"

 

In all honesty, most women would DIE before they said that. At most, you'll get some mixed signals here and there, but I've never actually heard of anyone being that direct or swallowing their pride like that.

 

Tokyo makes an excellent point. She probably doesnt want to lose you entirely from her life - at least until she has a suitable replacement - so while she understands where youre coming from, she is more concerned with what she wants/needs. She just wants to know that you dont hate her, and that someone out there loves her. If it was anything more, she would make it a lot clearer (although I doubt youll ever get "i f'd up, I want you back")

 

Why is she doing this? She's being kind of selfish. She wants what she wants, and is alright with it making you unhappy. Thats not to say shes a terrible person and this is some calculated effort to make you feel bad, shes just not thinking past what she wants - to be able to talk to you/see you as she pleases.

 

Yes, BCCA is correct in assuming she most likely is just contacting you to USE you.

 

This is why if you do reply to no contact, you must accept the reality of your conversation - its not because she wants you back, its because she wants her ego stroked. Much like my ex wanted his ego stroked. Oddly enough I feel like I came out on top, but I think that can only really happen if you feel stable in your own life.

[complication]

Our breakup was not on any bad reasons! She lost feelings because she did not know what she wanted, she wanted to experience college instead of being in a relationsihp (as she's been in one for the past 5 years), and that she said, "i just know that right now you're more than what I want" (I took our relationsihp VERY seriously, I think she wasn't ready for that type of committment especially since her parents kept pressuring her against it).

 

Other than that, we had an amazing relationship, literally, zero problems.

 

I'm afraid to lose her permanently, we both had it so good, it was something legitimately special. I don't say this often, if ever, but this was legitimate.

 

At the same time, I know I cannot be friends with her. I know some stuff that, in retrospect, we both shouldn't have asked (rebound people), but nevertheless.

 

She's not stupid, she consciously made the decision to go through her roommate the first time. Up to two weeks ago I would stop to initiate conversation, very "puppyish", showing I wasn't over her. Now that I'm fully ignoring her for 2 weeks straight and before that telling her it was weird to talk to her, she messages me.

 

So you got to understand why it feels a bit odd to me. Normally, I'd agree with you guys, but still. Granted, this is in light of her POSSIBLY liking one guy who's in marching band with her (they're either good band friends or more) and this ******* kid.

 

EDIT: I don't understand why she responds to being ignored, yet before nothing.

[lofi_tokyo]

Hahaha Complication! I'll do my best to explain the crazy world of relationships to you:

 

Why does she respond to being ignored?

 

When someone dumps you, it is because they do not find their relationship with you to be valuable enough to hold onto.

When you BEG for them back, offer to change, or just show you will always be there for them - it comes off as PATHETIC! Trust me, I can list a TON of breakups where my girlfriends have dumped guys, would possibly have gotten back together with them because they were still wavering, but the guy just KEPT trying to win her back with sweet gestures, and it repulsed them.

 

You started ignoring her. All of the sudden, for all she knows, you're living life happily without her, you don't need her, and that makes you seem more valuable to her... because you're strong and not dependent on her. Now, if she dumped a guy who is really quite a catch, a guy who independent and happy in his own life, well damn, she ****ed up! So shes calling you up and hoping you'll contact her to reaffirm her initial reason for dumping her which is: You need her, and you miss her. It strokes her ego, makes her feel better, and most importantly, reminds her that breaking up with you was a smart move - because you have such low self value that you'll come back anytime.

 

You MAY WANT TO DENY this. But believe me, everyone on LS here that is posting has seen your story or lived a story like yours many many times. No one wants to believe their ex is only contacting them for the reasons I stated, at least not at first, but trust me, you'll begin to see the light... maybe only after you realize there is no other explanation and have been hurt a few times, but you'll see. I'm just saying this now to try and save you some future pain.

[lofi_tokyo]

Think of it this way:

 

If you met an amazing girl, super cute, super confident, super funny, super happy and set in life... you started hanging out, then one day you were busy and didn't call, and she FLIPPED out and started calling you and asking where you were, wanting your attention desperately, begging you to hang out sometime... your image of here would kind of deteriorate, right? That initial splendor would fade.

 

Well that happens in all relationships. Your self-worth kind of reflects how she's going to value you. If you want her back after she trampled your heart? Well thats not very attractive. You may think being romantic or trying to get her back is cute, but its not, its repulsive.

 

If that amazing girl kept you waiting, always had you on your toes, and was always happy with herself... we'll you'd probably be a hell of a lot more attracted to her.

 

So... thats how it works. You need to get over her and ignore her if you want her to come back. Problem is, by the time she gets back, it will likely be too late. Its the sad truth about breakups. ;p

[complication]

I appreciate it man. It's kind of funny, actually lol. I still talk to her roommate, who's cool as hell, and say hi to her best girlfriend, but her I do not acknowledge her at all. And I love it. In retrospect, I wish I could have stopped the begging, but whatever live and learn.

 

I just wonder where this will take me if I ignore her and keep up no contact. I know I'll feel better about myself, but what will it lead her to do?

 

My buddy, who's been in this situation, said if you keep ignoring her, she will contact you more drastically. He said do not respond to it. It will drive her nuts. Then, if she legitimately wants you back, she'll make it very obvious, otherwise do not fall for the "i miss you" ploy unless it's complemented with more than that...and often it'll be to your face.

 

EDIT: Saw your 2nd post. it's pretty true to be honest I know I have the power position, and don't blame me, but I'm trying to put myself in situations where she can visibly see me. My buddy and I usually wait after class and she passes each time, I put myself where she sees that I can see her, but don't react. I'll continue this....and it's not raising my hope, I just love it because FINALLY I can get "back" at the **** I went through.

[lofi_tokyo]

I appreciate it man. It's kind of funny, actually lol. I still talk to her roommate, who's cool as hell, and say hi to her best girlfriend, but her I do not acknowledge her at all. And I love it. In retrospect, I wish I could have stopped the begging, but whatever live and learn.

 

I just wonder where this will take me if I ignore her and keep up no contact. I know I'll feel better about myself, but what will it lead her to do?

 

My buddy, who's been in this situation, said if you keep ignoring her, she will contact you more drastically. He said do not respond to it. It will drive her nuts. Then, if she legitimately wants you back, she'll make it very obvious, otherwise do not fall for the "i miss you" ploy unless it's complemented with more than that...and often it'll be to your face.

 

Your buddy is a smart guy.

 

Ignoring her will drive her nuts. She will probably get angry even. Its like a reverse breakup. She rejected you as a boyfriend, now you are rejecting her ****ty friendship. Ouch! Totally turns things around on her. You steal her power and honestly, it feels pretty good being on top.

She probably will try more drastically to get your attention. Maybe she'll move on, but its likely that the itch to contact you will only grow stronger. Will it make her come back? I don't know. If she has a good group of friends, probably not. If shes kinda a drifter, maybe it will. lol

 

The point is, you'll feel great keeping NC because... NC becomes your sword and shield. It defends you from information you dont need to hear, and it helps you heal, but it also gives you power, because suddenly you have taken something away from you ex. I guess thats the sadist part of NC - it can be done out of malice as much as it can be done out of a need to heal. As long as you don't let that malice run too deep, its okay... afterall, ashamed as I am to admit, it feels pretty good cutting your ex off and leaving them wondering what you're doing.

[complication]

Thanks for the above post

 

Now, on Facebook, I'll leave messages like "complication is out in the city, hiking adventure after..." so she's wondering what the hell I've been up to.

 

I feel bad for blatantly ignoring her unless it's in DIRECT passing. Question, if she stops to talk to me, should I be very short with her?

 

At the same time, I know that she MAY like two other people, but I don't know. She had sex with one guy as a rebound (after I told her some bad stuff), and she is honest as hell, saying she never would date him ever and she got hurt by him. Another guy I don't think anything is going on, but they're pretty tight.

 

Anyway, it's an encouraging yet sadistic position I'm in. I wonder what she thought when she messaged me and I did not respond to it. What do you think?

 

I SINCERELY appreciate your replies. This is a learning thing!

[lofi_tokyo]

Well. First off, let me just say that while being sadist is okay, it should NOT be the main drive of NC. Because that means you're not letting go. It means you're alleviating her hurt by enjoying seeing her squirm.

 

Most likely she was miffed about you not replying, but let us not forget, she dumped you, so her level of caring will only go so far.

 

Also, and this is very important, and its something I am realizing for myself:

Yeah, it feels pretty great to go NC and annoy your ex, but after a while it comes at a cost - you give up a bit of your dignity. Where is compassion if you're always basking in the small glories you derive from making your ex feel a bit hurt? I think its more graceful to accept your pains, try to heal, and while its okay to feel a bit of YAY from knowing your ex is annoyed, remember, NC is about you, not her.

 

Furthermore! If she talks to you, you can do one of two things:

Maintain NC, be short with her: BUT ONLY BECAUSE you want to heal. If its to hurt her or come off as stronger than her, it will only do the opposite. It will make you look like a jerk who is still sorting himself out.

 

Truely, the best revenge is having a happy, honest, conversation with her, and being able to stand up on your own. That will feel a hell of a lot better than being short with her. Can she blame you for being happy and having moved on after she dumped you? No, she really can't. Your happiness will be out of her control. If you are rude to her, or short with her, you are only showing you are still hurting. You are letting her win.

 

 

Don't focus too much on her actions. I'm sorry if my other posts made it sound okay to use NC to hurt her. I mean, it feels good seeing your ex worry, but like, she dumped you man, shes only going to hurt so much, and at the end of the day, you'll probably feel a bit ashamed for being so aggressive towards someone you once loved.

[complication]

I think you make a good point about the compassion. I feel split.

 

I think from now on, if she walks directly at me, I'll say hey and that's it. If she initiates a wave from afar, I'll do a half-hearted wave back. I won't engage in conversation with her though. I want to know I have some power, that I am not looked at as some "weak man". I do enjoy seeing her squirm, but I don't want her to be hurt. I want to drive the point that she made a mistake, and her to recognize it, and her try to remedy it.

 

I don't think this is delaying me from moving on. It keeps things real, gives me a bit of an ego boost, and I am excited to see what happens next.

 

In your honest opinion, from what I have said about everything, and although there are missing details, would you expect her to break NC again?

[lofi_tokyo]

Yup, you bet!

 

Eventually she'll begin to try less and less... so don't become addicted to her trying to break NC, because you will only end up unhappy.

 

But yeah, I think its logical to assume even a few years from now she'd call you up, just to see how things are. Its fun talking about old times when they're so far removed that the pain and anger has left.

[complication]

Yup, you bet!

 

Eventually she'll begin to try less and less... so don't become addicted to her trying to break NC, because you will only end up unhappy.

 

But yeah, I think its logical to assume even a few years from now she'd call you up, just to see how things are. Its fun talking about old times when they're so far removed that the pain and anger has left.

 

Well, to achieve my dream goal of getting her to come back (trust me, I'm moving on at the same time, don't ask how), shouldn't I ignore but maybe every so often respond to her messages?

[lofi_tokyo]

Tokyo's guide to getting someone back:

 

(I call it a guide since I retype this a ****-ton on this site lol)

 

Get over her. Stop worrying about her and how she perceives you. You can only get her back if you get over her. It may sound backwards but its true. People want what they can't have. Getting over her means accepting shes gone for good. Again, backwards, but trust me, its your ONLY SHOT.

 

Why? Because you can't manipulate someone into wanting you back, which is kind of what you're trying to do right now. All you can do is move on, and give up hope. If she comes back, thats awesome, but if not, thats awesome too, because you'll have moved on and you'll find someone else.

 

Sorry if that sounds discouraging, but its the TRUTH.

[complication]

I understand what you're saying. It's possible she may come back, but it's also possible she won't. Either way, it's a waste to use energy dwelling over this.

 

Find another? Meh, maybe. I have a year of college left, well, 1.5 years, and I'll probably end up going somewhere else to live. I went on a date a few days ago, went well, gave her a call and left a message for a second date, no call back. So, a bit discouraging. No other prospective females out there right now.

 

I'll be 21 in a month though, so I finally can hit on people my own age instead of wondering what grade they're in college (I'd prefer a Junior so we could graduate together). Nevertheless, I may just go in and try to work on laying girls because I haven't had sex since we broke up.

[lofi_tokyo]

lol the thing about laying girls was cute. ;p

 

I'd be careful though - is having meaningless sex just to have sex REALLY a good move?

 

While the girl you end up marrying will undoubtedly love you beyond this, the number of woman you have slept with could really weigh down her heart.

 

Personally, I prefer sticking to guys who keep their numbers low. Its a lot more attractive.

 

Also, you don't need to meet a girl in college, so don't sweat it too much!

 

Btw, I'm 3rd year college too - nice to see someone on here who's spot on my age! Woo!

[complication]

lol the thing about laying girls was cute. ;p

 

I'd be careful though - is having meaningless sex just to have sex REALLY a good move?

 

While the girl you end up marrying will undoubtedly love you beyond this, the number of woman you have slept with could really weigh down her heart.

 

Personally, I prefer sticking to guys who keep their numbers low. Its a lot more attractive.

 

Also, you don't need to meet a girl in college, so don't sweat it too much!

 

Btw, I'm 3rd year college too - nice to see someone on here who's spot on my age! Woo!

 

haha sweet! Congrats on getting it so far. Are you a guy or a girl? I think a girl if I recall your posts correctly.

 

I know I don't have to, in fact most don't mean their loves in college, but I have only had one serious girlfriend (which was an amazing relationship), we were so compatible ( her grandma, by her admittance post breakup, said that she thought i was the one), etc.

 

I'm just scared that post-college it's harder to meet people as there's less concentration of people in the area. Bars and clubs...****ty place to meet people of quality...sitting in a book store? lol waste of time. Random hi's? People perceive it as creepy. So you can feel mys truggle.

[lofi_tokyo]

I'm a girl.

 

And yeah I don't blame you for being concerned. I guess I'm lucky in that I plan to go to grad school so I'm kind of banking on meeting someone there! lol

 

But you know, just playing a community sport can be a great start for you, or joining some sort of class. Thats a great way to meet people. So yeah, don't pressure yourself too hard!

[complication]

I'm a girl.

 

And yeah I don't blame you for being concerned. I guess I'm lucky in that I plan to go to grad school so I'm kind of banking on meeting someone there! lol

 

But you know, just playing a community sport can be a great start for you, or joining some sort of class. Thats a great way to meet people. So yeah, don't pressure yourself too hard!

 

I'm goign to do intramurals next semester, get involved with a bit more diverse clubs. Post college? Through friends, some local clubs, etc. Whatever. Most people don't meet the love of their life.

 

Here's the thing, I KNOW my ex will realize she ****ed up, and I'm dying to see her feel it.

 

Hey, you single? btw i'm pming you.

[lofi_tokyo]

Lol yes I am single. Recently broke up with my ex (he left me for another woman) about two months ago... in fact... today would be 2 months EXACTLY!

 

Don't hold onto your ex realizing she made a mistake. Move on!

[complication]

Lol yes I am single. Recently broke up with my ex (he left me for another woman) about two months ago... in fact... today would be 2 months EXACTLY!

 

Don't hold onto your ex realizing she made a mistake. Move on!

 

Hey pics of you and wanna come visit my school for a night love?

 

In my case, where she didn't leave for any specific person, how come don't hold my breath on the mistake? It's certainly plausable as I was an ideal ****ing boyfriend.

[lofi_tokyo]

If she left you, you weren't her ideal man.

 

Heres one big thing about girls: when they break up, they usually talk to their friends a TON before they do so. We're a chatty lot.

 

So she PROBABLY had a solid plan when she broke up with you. As such, holding on her to be like "damnit, he was amazing" is probably not ideal. Chances are, shes not coming back, I am truly sorry.