My ex-girlfriend broke my "no contact" request? What now?

[complication]

If she left you, you weren't her ideal man.

 

Heres one big thing about girls: when they break up, they usually talk to their friends a TON before they do so. We're a chatty lot.

 

So she PROBABLY had a solid plan when she broke up with you. As such, holding on her to be like "damnit, he was amazing" is probably not ideal. Chances are, shes not coming back, I am truly sorry.

 

Remember the one picture of the girl and I? That was us mid summer break this past summer. She and I went long distance for aabout 3 months, but she visited me in my state for 4 days. She was PERFECT then, we were romantic fun and all that. She admittedly lost feelings 2 weeks before scohol started again, when I was not there, and when i saw her the first day back I could sense something was wrong. The last day of the last school year before summer started she was laying on me crying saying how much she would miss me and how much she loved me.

 

So yeah, I would normally say you have a point, but this is a weird ass circumstance.

[lofi_tokyo]

Remember the one picture of the girl and I? That was us mid summer break this past summer. She and I went long distance for aabout 3 months, but she visited me in my state for 4 days. She was PERFECT then, we were romantic fun and all that. She admittedly lost feelings 2 weeks before scohol started again, when I was not there, and when i saw her the first day back I could sense something was wrong. The last day of the last school year before summer started she was laying on me crying saying how much she would miss me and how much she loved me.

 

So yeah, I would normally say you have a point, but this is a weird ass circumstance.

 

 

Everyones story is a "weird ass circumstance" in their own way. When my ex dumped me he was crying and crying saying he loved me and didn't want to lose me. But he dumped me. End of story.

 

Everything in the past is in the past... its over. Now is the present, and at present she is not with you.

[complication]

I understand, but look at it my way: I was not there when she lost feelings. The day when we left for break, she was crying about missing me. Midway she visisted and was perfect. Day we come back, she lost the feelings (2 weeks before scohol started again).

 

I only spoke to her once a day, and although I would call more, she would call me, too.

 

In your case he left for another girl. That made more sense, mine had nobody in mind (she's single).

[lofi_tokyo]

Yeah but feelings CAN die out. Regardless of if your ex has found another person or not, a TON of people break up without having a new person to date. ;p

 

A person can change over the summer. And even if you had some perfect days, people can have changes of heart in a month, or even less.

[complication]

Yeah but feelings CAN die out. Regardless of if your ex has found another person or not, a TON of people break up without having a new person to date. ;p

 

A person can change over the summer. And even if you had some perfect days, people can have changes of heart in a month, or even less.

 

So, isn't it possible to refind those feelings if you realize what you had is now gone? Something that was special and had no problems?

[lofi_tokyo]

Not really. I mean, yes you can realize you miss someone but I bet theres a reason she broke up with you beyond love dying out. People do not just break up if everything is perfect. You probably aren't seeing whatever it was that lead her to break up with you, but trust me, there was something.

[BCCA]

I understand, but look at it my way: I was not there when she lost feelings. The day when we left for break, she was crying about missing me. Midway she visisted and was perfect. Day we come back, she lost the feelings (2 weeks before scohol started again).

 

I only spoke to her once a day, and although I would call more, she would call me, too.

 

In your case he left for another girl. That made more sense, mine had nobody in mind (she's single).

 

My ex is single and moved home with her parents in the suburbs instead of our house in the city. That has nothing to do with it. I tell people this all the time, but at its most basic level, breakups come down to a pretty simple formula: she did not feel that keeping you as a boyfriend was worth whatever effort was required on her part. Thats it. Anything else about 'losing feelings' 'its not you its me' ' i dont know what i want' is an easier thing to say to accomplish the goal of getting out of the relationship. It doesnt really matter why. I have girl-friends who have called me after they broke up with their boyfriends, and gave an emmy award winning performance about their feelings and some other BS, but it was all a complete fabrication designed to obsolve them of looking like a bad person. Its also easier for them to deal with the guilt if they can feel like they spared your feelings.

 

Like I've said a million times, actions speak louder than words. My ex said she loved me, I was the greatest guy she ever met, and she didnt want to lose me in her life because she didnt know what she wanted. That was 3 months ago, and Ive gone NC and havent heard a word from her. Really sounds like someone who wants me in their life, right? Think about it, if she wanted you around, she wouldnt have broken up with you. Shes probably only looking for you to give the signs that you want her back so she can feel good about herself. Just be careful, bro.

[complication]

Not really. I mean, yes you can realize you miss someone but I bet theres a reason she broke up with you beyond love dying out. People do not just break up if everything is perfect. You probably aren't seeing whatever it was that lead her to break up with you, but trust me, there was something.

 

There wasn't, we went through arguing and she admitted that nothing led to it. ZERO. She's the most honest person, she said that maybe the sex was inconsistent but that's not why she broke up.

 

Her parents constantly pressured her against me, she hasn't been single in 5 years, I took up day 2 of her freshman college yera, her girlfriend finally got single and was bugging her to go out, she had new obligations this year that took up a **** ton of her time, etc.

[lofi_tokyo]

At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. Do whatever you think is right, I'm just trying to save you from some pain. If you're set in your ways, theres nothing I can say to change them.

[complication]

At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. Do whatever you think is right, I'm just trying to save you from some pain. If you're set in your ways, theres nothing I can say to change them.

 

Well I'm going no contact, I just hated that she contacted me. She broke it. That's disrespectful as hell, and I told her I do not want to be friends with her. There has to be an underlying motive for it.

 

Right now, since you guys mentioned this, I feel like going to her door , opening it, and saying "you're an absolute bitch for talking to me".

[lofi_tokyo]

Look at what BCCA initially posted and what I initially said. Theres your answer.

[complication]

Look at what BCCA initially posted and what I initially said. Theres your answer.

 

It's almost depressing, what could I have done differently? The last day of summer she was crying.

 

UNLESS she cheated on me (which is POSSIBLE as there was a point where she said she'd call and went 2 days w/o calling, I got in touch the 3rd day), but I have no reason to believe otherwise.

 

The distance may have killed it, but I don't think so. I legitimately believe that she lost feelings because she wanted to be single in college and not regret, as her parents went through, being with someone and it ending after college.

[lofi_tokyo]

I guess call her and ask where shes at. You'll get the same answer I'm giving. If you don't wanna do that, then just stay NC, get over her, and move on. Eventually you'll have to!

[complication]

I guess call her and ask where shes at. You'll get the same answer I'm giving. If you don't wanna do that, then just stay NC, get over her, and move on. Eventually you'll have to!

 

I know she'll say she doesn't have feelings, misses me, but doesn't want to be with me. I'm not dumb.

 

All I'm wondering is what she did the start of more **** to come, or the end of it?

 

I know once I find a chick to go on a date with, and get into a relationship with, **** will be much better and I'll forgte about the ex. I always do that way.

[BCCA]

Well I'm going no contact, I just hated that she contacted me. She broke it. That's disrespectful as hell, and I told her I do not want to be friends with her. There has to be an underlying motive for it.

 

Right now, since you guys mentioned this, I feel like going to her door , opening it, and saying "you're an absolute bitch for talking to me".

 

I'm going to lay it out for you man. If you tell her you dont want to be friends, but are talking to her...as friends, guess what? Shes gonna KEEP calling your bluff. Your actions are speaking louder than your words, too, dont think she doesnt see that. Unless she does what you want, says she made a huge mistake and wants you back, whats the point of even entertaining what she has to say? Its pointless. This maybe someday nonsense is a complete waste of your time. If you liked someone and wanted to keep them around, the only arguments you had came from 'nowhere' and you really loved them, would you break up with them and risk permanently losing them from your life? Doesnt make a lot of sense does it?

 

Let me also give you a little heads up about the arguments. They didnt come from nowhere, although I know why you feel that way. She was starting them, almost subconciously, on purpose. Think of it as her pushing you away. Its easier for people to pull the plug on the relationship if theyre kind of mad, because things just come out. I've had SO many people tell me they just wish their gf/bf would piss them off so they could dump them without feeling guilty. Trust me, she'll never tell you - she might not even 100% realize it, but shes starting those stupid fights to push you away.

 

Go NC and dont respond to anything she has to say. Unless you get something that seems like she has a sincere desire to make things work between you two, there is no need to bother. Just move on man. As someone who has tried the breakup/makeup routine with a couple girls, it just doesnt work.

[lofi_tokyo]

My ex is single and moved home with her parents in the suburbs instead of our house in the city. That has nothing to do with it. I tell people this all the time, but at its most basic level, breakups come down to a pretty simple formula: she did not feel that keeping you as a boyfriend was worth whatever effort was required on her part. Thats it. Anything else about 'losing feelings' 'its not you its me' ' i dont know what i want' is an easier thing to say to accomplish the goal of getting out of the relationship. It doesnt really matter why. I have girl-friends who have called me after they broke up with their boyfriends, and gave an emmy award winning performance about their feelings and some other BS, but it was all a complete fabrication designed to obsolve them of looking like a bad person. Its also easier for them to deal with the guilt if they can feel like they spared your feelings.

 

Like I've said a million times, actions speak louder than words. My ex said she loved me, I was the greatest guy she ever met, and she didnt want to lose me in her life because she didnt know what she wanted. That was 3 months ago, and Ive gone NC and havent heard a word from her. Really sounds like someone who wants me in their life, right? Think about it, if she wanted you around, she wouldnt have broken up with you. Shes probably only looking for you to give the signs that you want her back so she can feel good about herself. Just be careful, bro.

 

I agree entirely.

[complication]

I should clarify. We never fought pre-breakup. Post breakup I was drilling her for reasons, for days straight, and she couldn't give me one. She legitimately said she just did, it probably was the long distance which killed it. I do not know though. Nor will I ever.

 

I just feel that I was not manly enough to her...I never babied her, I always treated her just fine, a perfect boyfriend. But I was not the BADASS MOTHER****ER like Vin Disel.

[BCCA]

I should clarify. We never fought pre-breakup. Post breakup I was drilling her for reasons, for days straight, and she couldn't give me one. She legitimately said she just did, it probably was the long distance which killed it. I do not know though. Nor will I ever.

 

I just feel that I was not manly enough to her...I never babied her, I always treated her just fine, a perfect boyfriend. But I was not the BADASS MOTHER****ER like Vin Disel.

 

Dude, dont let anyone ever make you believe being a decent guy is a bad thing. Bad boys will always have 2 things going for them. Theyre interesting and a challenge. But thats not for everyone, and you cant change who you are. Certain people seek out a personality trait they feel they feel they connect with.

 

Listen freind, she knows EXACTLY why she broke up with you. Like I said, you werent worth the effort, but whatever came along with that - she knows full well everything she didnt like about you. I promise you all her girlfriends heard all about it.

 

There is someone out there for you, my man. Dont worry about what you didnt do to keep someone who bailed on you, her loss. Just keep your feet moving, and youll find something better soon enough.

[complication]

Dude, dont let anyone ever make you believe being a decent guy is a bad thing. Bad boys will always have 2 things going for them. Theyre interesting and a challenge. But thats not for everyone, and you cant change who you are. Certain people seek out a personality trait they feel they feel they connect with.

 

Listen freind, she knows EXACTLY why she broke up with you. Like I said, you werent worth the effort, but whatever came along with that - she knows full well everything she didnt like about you. I promise you all her girlfriends heard all about it.

 

There is someone out there for you, my man. Dont worry about what you didnt do to keep someone who bailed on you, her loss. Just keep your feet moving, and youll find something better soon enough.

 

You know what ****ing sucks? There was **** about her I didn't find ideal, but I loved her anyway. Here's honestly the **** I would do that she admitted would bug her..

 

-Say stuff like "i have a boner" to her in public, whispered

-Make homophobic jokes (but she knew I was not a homophobe)

-Say some crude humor jokes (which weren't really bad)

-Do some **** like when she was in the bathroom, I'd peak my head under (she'd laugh everytime I'd do it though)

 

Literally, nothing else that I did was "bad". The first year I did this stuff and she was fine to it. She internalizes feelings though, and she has one main girlfriend. Her main girlfriend told her the first time she contacted me(before no contact) that she was being a bitch to me by leading me on (despite me saying we could be friends). Her girlfriend also was in a similar position as me, so she defended me when my ex asked her why I was trying to find answers like crazy.

[BCCA]

Here's the deal: Whether or not you and her will ever get back together has nothing to do with any of that. She has to see some value in you that makes her want to make an effort to maintain a relationship with you. You said yourself, the first year those things weren't a problem. Why did they become a problem? She was losing the desire to participate in the relationship, and any little thing you did probably just got worse and worse as time went on. She was turning the corner from "taking you how you are / loving you unconditionally / give and take" to "unless this is a situation I simply cant afford to leave, I'm starting to look for reasons".

 

I think youre looking for some silver lining, but again, unless you hear that she wants to make things work between you, you have to take her previous statement of wanting to break up as her true feelings about the subject. Youre out there right now on the open market, and shes not too concerned. Women usually wait until theyre absolutely done before they pull the plug. If they do come back, usually its under some ambigious circumstances (sound familiar?), where no roles are defined and you can expect nothing. Why do you want to be in that situation? Put aside all the things that went wrong and how perfect you two are, just think about whats going on right now and where you two are.

 

Focus on getting over this, go NC, and try to move on. Dont think about when/if she'll call. Maybe she will, maybe she wont...if youre thinking about it, it means youre hoping for it. Just give that up, and figure out how awesome it is to be alone, and do as you please

[complication]

I'm a relationship person, honestly. And she was my favorite person to deal with, ever.

 

I can't say what went wrong...

 

but one last question (which I fully appreciate you guys talking).

 

How do I demonstrate "value"? Not talking, making it seem like I'm having a good, fun time, etc?

[BCCA]

I'm a relationship person, honestly. And she was my favorite person to deal with, ever.

 

I can't say what went wrong...

 

but one last question (which I fully appreciate you guys talking).

 

How do I demonstrate "value"? Not talking, making it seem like I'm having a good, fun time, etc?

 

I'm a hopeless romantic myself, what can I say. But I'm not a bad guy, and I have a lot of things going for me, so one day, someone will find those things attractive enough to want to settle down with me. Everyone you fall in love with becomes your favorite person ever and the most beautiful girl in the entire world. If they didnt, you would have to ask how much you were really in love As time goes on though, and you meet other people, they kind of fall back into the mix with everyone else in the world.

 

You dont want to demonstrate value, that would imply putting on a show to 'trick' someone. You HAVE value! You need to be confident in yourself, and go out there with the attitude that even if everyone in the world doesnt like you, the ones that matter do. Just because one person decided you werent what they were looking for doesnt mean youre now worthless to everyone else. Its her loss, youre better off being alone than with someone who questions your value. You need to be confident enough to let people that want to walk, walk. Dont waste another moment worrying about what to do or what went wrong, who cares. Youre a single man, and there are TONS of good looking girls out there. Life is never as bad as it seems.

[complication]

I'm a hopeless romantic myself, what can I say. But I'm not a bad guy, and I have a lot of things going for me, so one day, someone will find those things attractive enough to want to settle down with me. Everyone you fall in love with becomes your favorite person ever and the most beautiful girl in the entire world. If they didnt, you would have to ask how much you were really in love As time goes on though, and you meet other people, they kind of fall back into the mix with everyone else in the world.

 

You dont want to demonstrate value, that would imply putting on a show to 'trick' someone. You HAVE value! You need to be confident in yourself, and go out there with the attitude that even if everyone in the world doesnt like you, the ones that matter do. Just because one person decided you werent what they were looking for doesnt mean youre now worthless to everyone else. Its her loss, youre better off being alone than with someone who questions your value. You need to be confident enough to let people that want to walk, walk. Dont waste another moment worrying about what to do or what went wrong, who cares. Youre a single man, and there are TONS of good looking girls out there. Life is never as bad as it seems.

 

Wow, damn, a nice encouraging post. Things haven't really gone my way with women, since my breakup I went on one date that I thought went well as Hell but she didn't call back after I left a message for a 2nd one.

 

I have a month left in the semester, and if I don't find someone this ewek, I'll let it go until the second semester (getting into a relationship for < 1 month before a 1 month break is stupid).

 

I see how it is...if they don' tlike you, it's their loss really. Still, it makes me feel like I wasn't GOOD enough for that person...you know? Really, if I'm ont interested in a girl (usually) it's baesd off their looks , how it's ont "good" enough. But, my ex wasn't necessiarly the best looking one of the group, but I fell in love.

 

Does that mean I should expand my horizons more instead of hopelessly falling for the hottest ones?

[BCCA]

Men tend to judge women based largely on looks, its true. Women really dont, so trust me, it has nothing to do with youre looks. And keep in mind that she was with you for a while, so at least for that time, you were plenty good enough. Like I said, she just lost interest in putting in the effort. It doesnt matter why, it doesnt change anything to know.

 

I've gone out with some hot girls that were smart as can be, and some that were dumb as doornails. I tended to lost interest in the ones that I didnt feel could maintain a conversation I wanted to have pretty quickly, regardless of their looks. When you meet someone, their personality is important, trust me. Based on that, you'll tend to think theyre more/less attractive.

 

Just be patient and realize that not everyone is relationship material, at least not for you. Good things come to those who wait. Its ok to be choosy, you want to make sure youre not settling for the sake of having someone, youll never be happy. Just let things happen, and youll find someone one day.

[complication]

If you don't mind, do you have an AIM screename? I'd like to be in touch if that's okay.