what now??

[stuck33]

hey all!

 

not sure if you guys remember my posts from a few months back...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162469/?highlight=stuck33

 

anyways, i have finally given him the letter, about 2 weeks ago. and now i think i may be even more lost than before. needless to say, the letter freaked him out. at first he went a little crazy, he went through all of my things, called my best friend etc because he was convinced i was cheating on him. we have a counseling appt for wed, so perhaps i should have waited to see how that goes before i posted here.

 

but i'm looking for some insight - since the letter, and him going a little crazy, i had him stay with his bestfriend for a few days (his craziness scared me a little). i was legitamatly hoping that i would miss him. i tried to miss him. i just didn't. now he is doing everything in his power to keep me from wanting to leave him. i hate to say it, but he is pretty much kissing my ass to show me that he will change. i keep trying to feel something for him, but it just isn't working. i keep trying to fake it till i make it, but nothing. maybe it's because everytime he messed up before we were married, i threatened to leave and he did whatever to keep me around and then went back to his usual behavior. maybe i just don't believe he will really change. maybe we got married too young and now i am growing apart from him. i feel so guilty because he tells me how much he loves me and wants it to work and i don't feel the same. i barely even want to try but i hate hurting someone the way i'm hurting him. i just don't know what to do anymore

 

insights?

[Ronni_W]

Hey Stuck.

What I'm getting is that you are done with your marriage -- is that correct? -- guilt aside, your heart is just not in it and has no inspiration/motivation to get back in it?

 

*If* that's anywhere close to accurate. The thing is, if you start to do things or make requests (like couples' counseling) with the underlying intention/desire/need to just appease your own guilt...that is unnecessary punishment on both of you, and it won't work for the long-term.

 

I'm sorry for your confusion and guilt...I know how tough it can be living in that 'world'. (((hugs)))

[stuck33]

i think you are completly correct. i don't want to be done. i would give anything to be able to say "i love you, i want to do everything to make this work". that would make my life so much easier - i wouldn't have to hurt anyone, start over, tell family and friends, etc etc. i just can't seem to say it or feel it.

 

ugh!

[Ronni_W]

i don't want to be done.

Yeah, I know that feeling exactly.

 

But likely it's also coming from guilt-ridden roots(?) Sort of, I wish it could be done but without me playing the role of "villain" in the piece?

As if there is the conscious knowledge that it's over...but acceptance of that knowledge is still somewhere out there in the future.

 

When I got to a decent enough level of 'acceptance', I realized that I just had to step up and take on the responsibility of whatever 'role' I needed to play, to ensure my own future happiness, fulfillment and inner peace. It is self-responsible, self-care and self-preservation. But it sure ain't easy.

[TrustInYourself]

My advice is to just relax for the time being. Right now you are riding an emotional rollercoaster. Let him decide whether or not these changes are going to last.

 

Any reflection on the past is going to be a reflection of your current feelings and mood. Keep in mind, it wasn't all bad, or you wouldn't have married that poor sap. Be positive and just give it some time.

 

As for you, you need to just reflect and focus on your own happiness. How can you love anyone when you are not even sure what you want?