Backwards??? maybe C isnt so bad?

[cashley]

Hi,

 

I broke up with my Ex- when things were pretty much beyond help, I was depressed, he was distant, and we had drifted apart.

Something happened, that was the icing on the cake, and left me little choice, but to leave. (I lost a pregnancy, and was left alone to deal with it.)

After that I couldnt see any point carrying on...

I met someone online(because I was SO alone..and he gave me the courage, or security, or stupidity? to leave. We have since broken up(surprise surprise) But im now seeing someone else, casually.

 

NOW, looking back, I know I could have been a far more supportive and loving GF. I was a step mum, and LOVE the kids. We became so hateful and bitter and resentful towards eachother, it was awful.

 

I loved my x in the 'good' times too, and when things were good, life was great, when things were bad, it was unbearable.

 

Anyway, its been 6 months since ive seen my x of 2 years defacto relationship.

 

We had, had no contact since September, Because He was just so screwed up, and had begun seeing someone, but didnt want to admit it to me...it was cruel, today he said he did it because he was so mad at me, and wanted revenge??

 

So I have been tortured by thoughts of the 'good't times, and missing my X, being hugged and loved. I miss so much about him. His body, eyes, his smartness..the way I wake with him on my mind somedays...

So the otherday, I craked, and CALLED.

 

Now I know he isnt that happy.

 

Hes said that his relationship doesnt compare with us, and what we had. He isnt over me, and has a void, and an overwhelming saddness about 'us', just like I do...

He feels stuck with her, hes living at her place, and is kind of dependant of her. Hes a struggling RE agent.

 

SO, now Ive spoken, im not so 'haunted' and I feel freer, because today he rang, and I told him im not up for his financial troubles, and I dont envy her position. I said I dont want him back right now. And I mean it.

 

Speaking to him, has freed me, and made me realise just HOW FAR I have come.

 

When he tried his BS ways(shifting blame), I used to take it, but today I pulled him up, and said I wont accept any BS.

 

Ive a feeling we are really over, because I dont get butterflies when I think of him now...

And I dont want a stressed broke man back, thats why I left.

 

If he ever gets it together and gets a 'real' job...anyway..

 

All I know is I was having obsessive thoughts about what I missed, and now, even though I miss him, the mystery is gone, and im not tortured!!

 

I guess 6 months is long enough to gain perspective? Now theres a choice, and I could have him back...but, is it worth it, and would things be the same??? hmmmmm?

[lofi_tokyo]

It sounds to me like you broke up with him, and then six months later, when he's dating someone new, you needed reassurance that you and him had something special. You wanted him back because he didn't want you.

 

So you called him up, found out he still misses you, and got your reassurance, so you'll be okay now.

 

But at what cost? You may be annoyed with him for not being more financially successful in life, but does that mean its okay to belittle him when hes obviously still hurting? By calling him, you have probably set him back a little bit in healing, and it was to make yourself feel good.

 

Why do you feel good? Because you have someone still pining after you, you have a fall back, even if you'll never take it, you wanted that security and hurt him to get it.

 

Blah!

 

In any event, its good for you that you got your answers and your moving on.

 

As a reply to your question: should you go back?

Only you know the answer. By the sounds of it, I don't think you should. It sounds like you're solidly moving on from a relationship that did not suit your needs, and more over, I think your ex needs a woman who can love him despite his low paying job. Its not your fault you cant be that woman - its incredibly hard at times, dating a man who can't pay the bills, so I don't blame you for having your standards, but there is a better woman out there for him. I suspect, its best you let things keep going the way they are - you'll find someone amazing for you, and he'll find someone amazing for him... someday.

[cashley]

Hmm. I supported him and his two kids, for two years...

It was part of the reason we split..I couldnt do it anymore. Its taxing.

 

I didnt think this was a site where one was FLAMED for sharing.

 

How did I belittle him??

 

Is it SO BAD to seek reassurance that I am not despised as I had thought??

 

How nice of you to be so judgmental. I have learned this site is INFACT NOT supportive, and I dont need that type of reply.

You imply I am not loving!

You know nothing.

Silly me for trying to find a place to share the pain of a HUGE break up.

[cashley]

Maybe, his new woman is a FAR BETTER person than I am??

 

Or MAYBE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

[Lishy]

I know how it feels to walk away and feel terrible about things

 

I am glad that you rang him and got your closure

 

Hon alot of people on here are, or have been really heartbroken and it shows in their posts. Your post obviously hit home on some level with Tok, it happens, dont take it personal

 

As long as you are ok you should be pleased that you have overcome a hurdle and are less hurt

[cashley]

Thank you Lishy, it seems you are right....I did feel terrible, and somehow by calling him now I have de mystified his situation. I did get closure, BUT now its opened the door for communication, and more talks have followed..

 

The whole break up was a mess, I didnt want to re-hash all of it.

 

Perhaps if id made myself more clear...? people wouldnt judge so quickly.

 

I also wondered if mt NAME, might have made tokyovouge wonder if I was a money hungry B*T#H...

its a tounge in cheek name, because its a word his kids made up..they mashed casey and ashley together to make, cashley, nothing to do with money....more to do with the way I made my name on this site about the past...*me not letting go..I joined a little while ago.

 

anyway, as things are, we talked again today, and there might be a chance to get back together..? I cant say. At this point I dont know.

 

Again, thanks Lishy, I logged in to see if id been flamed some more...

[Lishy]

I think that Tok did give you some valid advice, even if it was said a tad abruptly and I am sure she did not set out to flame you

 

I am glad that you are feeling better and will also add that if you do get back together, to do it for the RIGHT reasons and not just out of a feeling of loneliness or because you may be scared of being alone. His kids need stability more then anything and I am sure you love them but do you love him enough?

 

Normally when you get back with an ex all of the problems that caused you to split remain!

 

Keep writing on here, it will help you in the long run ... But you will get negative responses at times, you must either ignore them or report them if it is terrible BUT you should not let it get to you

 

Good luck and keep us updated!

[Rafa]

Maybe, his new woman is a FAR BETTER person than I am??

 

Or MAYBE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

 

Calm down already, TokyoVogue is a poster with a good history and is only giving you her opinion. Different people have different values.

 

If you left him because he didn't have enough money, then no, I don't you shouldn't go back with him.

 

Some people want unconditional love, and when they find it, it can be the most amazing relationship in the world. Thats when you can truly become a team. Through the good times and the bad and yet still committed, that kind of thing. It's not always easy to find.

Did you know his earning potential when you first got together with him, or did he spring this on you when it was too late?

If you're only prepared to love him under the condition that he has your interpretation of a 'real' job, then this guy isn't for you. He will eventually start 'failing' you again, and things will repeat themselves. It all depends on what your priorities are in a relationship, but you can be sure that there are other guys out there that tick those boxes.

 

Sorry not flaming you, but this guy clearly doesn't suit your needs.

[cashley]

My needs are for love- not money...

 

Thanks Lishy, I see how CLEARLY judgemental some people are here, with sweeping statements about my life. For gods sake, I was trying to share a snippet, it does NOT give anyone the full picture...

 

I will clarify, and perhaps people might not be so harsh??

 

We met in 2006 through his X wife....Not a great way to start things, she introduced us.

She then dumped their kids on us, and ran off to another state.

I knew my X's career choices back then, and I was a little concerned, as he was in massive debt, and his job wasnt regular enough.

So from day 1, ive been a provider and step mother. I adore his kids, and still do, they call me mum. Their choice, not mine, infact it made me feel uncomfortable for a while, the youngest was 3 at the time, and his real mother pretty much dissapeared.

 

(yes the kids matter most of all, and they are not coping with me being gone, I get calls from the eldest regularly.*i had given them both mobile phones over a year ago. I was actually 'closer' to youngest, but the eldest is speaking for both) They dislike the new girlfriend. They also are told by their father to keep it a secret when they call me, because the new GF doesnt like me, or them calling me.

I REFUSE to tell them NC, they are kids, and as far as they know, we will always be friends. They want to come and live with me, and leave their mother, and father!*i draw the line there. no. maybe if theyre 15, not 5&9.

 

The kids have been through enough, I am just being their friend, until they feel they dont miss me anymore. Their mother returned from her journeys, and has since had twins, just another two kids she cant cope with.

 

Okay, so my X made very little money year 1, and nil for the 18 months after that.

I have paid all his bills, PLUS my own, thats HIS housepayments (not in my name) PLUS my own. I paid for bonds, all food, all furniture, both our cars, EVERYTHING. School uniforms, books, fees, hell I even paid his child support!!

 

When I left, I took my things, except what id bought for the kids, and he owns nothing.

 

I was patiently waiting for my x to make some money....while i worked my ass off to keep his and my life afloat...i ended up with a sweet 50,000 debt from our time together. Sorry 40,000, I already owed 10,000 when we met.

 

So NOW hes with someone else, and surprise, surprise, when they met, he just made a sale!! and spent the money on his new girlfriend, and bought her jewelery. and guess what....SHES supporting him now. He feels he cant leave, unless I was up there with a house, and cash for him. He feels he is a burden...hes living off a single mother right now...

 

EXACTLY when is a guy a burden...HOW long should I have supported him???

 

 

He needs an ATM,right now, not a girlfriend.

 

Im seeing what a stress this IS as I write.

 

So anyone who STILL THINKS im shallow and money hungry, get over it.

 

I still love and miss him ( i dont know HOW after what he did to me..)

 

My reason for leaving was...I was pregnant, it turned out to be ectopic, after bleeding for a month, he made me go to hospital (my doctor had told me it was a misscarige), and i had emergency surgery...he wasnt even there when I woke...and didnt have a kind word to say while I recovered. I lost any chance of conceiving, unless i have ivf.

THAT was and still is soul destroying...I know some people have it worse, but ive had something BIG taken away, and was left alone to deal with it.

I left in alot of pain, with internal stitches, and cant even recall the 1000kms i drove back to my hometown.

 

We shared alot of good times and some really bad ones, it was when we stopped 'sharing' that I clammed up, and left.

 

I regret leaving, and think maybe i could have been better...*now, in writing this, i see i DESERVE better.

 

Maybe hearing peoples nasty comments are just as powerful as the friendly ones...its all food for thought.

 

I have been talking to him, and was tempted to go back to what i knew, but, would anything have changed??

 

Im doubting it.

 

Anyway, im seeing him next week, I will be in his state, im going for a holiday..id planned it before i broke NC, so its not about him, but I will take an hour to see him, part of me misses the man i knew and loved, the good times, im not sure about seeing him now, hes with somone else..

 

And after reading this, im worried your right lishy, maybe im just hitting that lonley stage, and its time to let go....

 

more confused than ever.

[Lishy]

Wow!

 

Honey my advice to you will change now I know the full picture - This man is leeching off of you and now he is leeching off of the new girl and that is not good! To not earn any money and then for him to tell you he cant leave her as she supports him makes me wanna

 

You deserve so much more, you must see that?

 

His kids seem lovely and I am sure they will remain in your life to some degree

 

I am all for supporting your partner when they are down but there is no reason for him to earn zero money, hell a job in McDonalds would bring the money in but he just sat back and let YOU do it all ... Is that what you want for yourself?

 

Dont get me started on his lack of support when you lost his child and your ability to have children!!! OMG that shows his levels of selfishness and it is awful!!!

 

Now, there are probably a million great things about this guy otherwise you would not have stayed as long as you did but you need to work out if you can put up with the bad!

 

My advice is not to meet up with him and to stay no contact and just get over him.

 

Remember he tells his kids to keep YOU a secret from a girl who he claims to not want to be with, that alone should show you where you really stand.

[cashley]

Yes....but you know Lishy, I think I needed someone to tell me what you have. I was treated SO badly, pretty much all the way through...and now hes SO afraid of loosing his new chequing account aka gf, im a dirty little secret. Frick.

 

 

Yeah im pissed off, and hurt, and thinking about the posts here, made me want to 'defend' him...(typical abused person attitude, and behaviour)

 

In my moments of clarity, I see how damaged I am, and how hes manipluated me, so much so, that I have forgiven his sub human way of dealing with the baby and my loss.(i would say OUR loss, but he very clearly lost nothing)

 

This site is good, because its challenging...I was seething, trying to defend him, and myself! what a wste of energy.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, tokyovouge was right to an extent, I DID want to see if he missed me, i DID want to see if he had a heart....

I didnt hurt him- if tokyo knew him, shed know what I mean.

 

I think that not seeing him will enpower me, but part of me wants to see him, because im looking REALLY good compared to when we were together...heres my shallow side...i want him to see what he lost...

 

God, id love it if he showed any emotion.

[Rafa]

Hey Cashey,

 

Ok well, thats like a whole different story from your first post. I mean those two accounts of your situation... hell, they're not even the same sport!

If you say "I left him cos he was stressed and broke", it makes it sound like it was just going through a down phase. We all have ups and downs after all.

 

As it stands, with all that you've added, I do think you should stay away from this guy. He needs to grow up a bit and take some responsibility. You've done more than enough, he needs to stand on his own two feet (although obviously he's leeching off the new girl, but that's her problem). Doesn't sound like he's going to change any time soon.

[Lishy]

I think you need to stop thinking about HIM and think about YOU

 

So you show him how good you look? He will still be a user no matter how good you look and no matter how good you look you will still be a secret to his new meal ticket

 

You must do whatever it is that makes you feel good - Just take some time to think about what that is!

 

Also, if you read Toks recent posts you will see that she is goimng through it herself too and like I said before, she did have lots of valid points but you was not ready to hear it.

 

You are getting there though so kudos to you!!!

[lofi_tokyo]

Heya Cashley, and Heya Lishy!

 

First off Cash, it was never my intent to make you feel terrible - reading back that post makes me see I was overly poignant. Lishy was right to say I am still hurting in my own ways, and actually I think the day I wrote that was the day after my ex contacted me after me not talking to me for three weeks, and it set me back a ton.

 

But, I was trying to make a point. You are clearly better off without this guy. That probably broke his heart. He is not good enough for you. That sucks on both ends.

I maintain that I feel you probably called because you were lonely or missing him when he appeared to be moving on. Because he has his heart broken by you, hearing from him most likely hurt him deeply. Maybe you're right in that I don't know him, maybe he was not hurt by your call, but he loved you once didn't he? He probably felt at least a little pain.

 

Anyways, this site isnt about him, its about you, and I'm sorry you're hurting, and I'm sorry offended you.

 

On another note, I totally understand wanting to show off how well you're doing and great you look now that you're broken up. You say he does not show emotion though, so...

my point is I cut my hair yesterday, I look great! I know this, and I showed my ex, and he seemed indifferent. It took away my moxy for a moment!

You know you're doing much better now, so keep struttin' your stuff, and don't bother showing him because he doesn't deserve to see you if he could potentially make you feel less accomplished than you are.

 

**Oh and thank you Lishy for understanding where I'm coming from, I appreciate it.

[cashley]

Okay-phew im relieved I finally made myself clearer, im sorry my first post wasnt clear enough, and I understand why some people may have thought im shallow and all about dollars... i tend to try and be private as possible, but im going to get all open, and describe what ive been through, and ask, anyone who has some experience anyone whos been in love, and especially been in an abusive relationship for their opinion.

 

This is off topic a bit, but I want you to know just 'some' of what ive been through, and then HELP ME GET OVER IT.

 

We met, as I said, through his ex wife. I DID fall in love, very quickly, and moved my entire life toBrisbane, from my hometown Sydney.Thats 1000kms, and I also left family and a career and friends behind.

He, the ego as I have come to refer to him as, was UNREAL at first.

 

I was always dubious about the amount of un neccasary contact between him and his wife... I accussed and thought he was still sleeping with her, to this day he has sworn he never cheated, but I guess I will always wonder.

 

I lost a pregnancy (1st ectopic) and he was SO SUPPORTIVE, and cried with me, stayed beside me in hospital, and carried me around while I recovered.(I knew he HAD it in him to be nice, and thats why the second hurt so much)

1 month afer that my only close family member, whom id left behind in sydney to follow this 'love' passed away. I went into shock, and grief, and depression.

My X admits he finds it difficult to feel empathy.(had i known that was a sign of a sociopath, id have run back then) anyway, he asked me to marry him, about a week after my granfather had passed. It felt like some kind of consolation....he was still married at this point, and I recall being angry he hadnt got a divorce, considering how we had met.

Things got bad for him with work, and he just slacked right off. Hes the type to AVOID all bills when hes broke, head in the sand style.. he didnt even OPEN his mail, our entire relationship.

Through all this time, we had his kids full time. I work with kids, and instantly had a fantasic relationship with them. They were so desparate for someone stable in their lives.I tried to teach them honesty, and how to communicate, manners..ect. They had been largley ignored, and seemed very highly stressed kids. I sought counselling for them. I became their mother figure.

Back to ego. A short time passed, and oneday, I woke to find 'another' weekend had passed and id hardly seen him, he was up early and out with mates, doing his extreme sport, his passion, riding downhill bikes.

I recall sending a txt message, he was downstairs, I was upstairs.. alone.

I asked if we were going to break up?

This was the first sign of violence....I dont recall much, except, during the fights around the bedroom, and house, the wall that was punched, the ironing board thrown at me, the bruises from being held, and struck, we became un-engaged.

He was typical, in that we would fight, and he would be all roses afterwards, forgive him please, and he would make me tea, put my favorite dvds or music on, and really be super nice.

I knew there was a BIG something wrong, but id left my life, my granfather had died, and I really had no where and no one to go to...sure friends, but who wants to share this crap with anyone?

I felt trapped.

I was paying for everything, feeding everyone, and being called a beetch several times a day. Ego would carry a fight on for days, and I was always to blame. I was "lucky" to be loved..."even with all my flaws"..my skin isnt perfect, I had acne when younger. Its NOT as bad as he made out either....

I wasnt allowed to buy MYSELF anything, because HE was broke. Even after id paid for everything...it was around this time the MOTHER of my boys came back, and took the kids, giving us 50% time with them, so now, WE had more time together, but instead of enjoying it, we would fight. Looking back, the kids kept us close.

Eventually the fighting became too much, a neighbour saw him chasing me with a large iron bar... police were called, and i stayed at a friends for the night. A friend of his.. I was hit on, and missed the security of what I knew. I went back the next day.

Another time, he called the ambulance, because id said, "Id rather be under a freakin train than under your thumb" as i was pinned down to the bed, with his face in mine...he told the officers i was SUICIDAL!!! I was taken to hospital, where he TRIED to have me admitted for 3 days!!!

they did all the psyc tests, and the head registar, took me aside, and said I was as sane as they come, having a BAD DAY with a ego manic, ego, trying to convince HIM to keep me there....

What the heck??? I was just whirling, I spent many a night on the domestic violence hotline.

Eventually, I moved out. He made me. He also thought I had no where to go.. he was happy to see me pack my things into a storage facility, and he thought I was sleeping in my car.... id made a friend, and had a place to sleep..thank god.

My thought then, was to never go back, but he somehow convinced me to.I spent alot of time at our house, but refused to tell him where I was staying, and refused to move back in.

Then after a month apart, I found a nice little quiet island to live on. Close enough to my work, with a lifestyle to die for.

I rented a house and he convinced me to allow him to move in, and TRY to make some money. I was stupid enough to listen, and even stoopider, to believe him, but I wanted to, I guess I didnt want to have wasted all that time...

We ended up with only weekends with the kids... his new 'job' was each weekend too. So he never saw them, or did anything with them for over a year, it was all me. He was always at 'work' although now i know he was most likley on facebook, or god knows what.

The kids mother was pregnant. I was working 2 jobs to afford to 'get by'.

At least I earned real MONEY, his 'job' was a joke. Forever shasing his dreams.

We ended up hating eachother, he would hold out on intamacy, and id be in a mood as soon as i heard his car in the drive. It was hell. I was more alone than ever, yet attending dinners, and functions, acting like the happy united couple. here were brief moments of that feeling of togetherness.

I guess he felt bad, not having money?

Anyway, few months pass, and I got sick, and that turned out to be my second ectopic preganacy. I was 3 months pregnant, when rushed into surgery.That was april this year. He wasnt even there when I woke. He had sold the car id given him, and was using mine...

I met a guy online...he gave me sympathy, and the courage to leave.

The ego left me for dead after surgery...he didnt even bring me food, infact he threw my dog at me, and screamed walk her yourself! and also told me id deserved to loose my fertility...

I cried and cried, I KNEW this was IT.

I left for sydney 14 days after surgery. it hurt. I was a mess. I was soo sleepy from blood loss hormones, shock...painkillers...I ran and didnt look back. The online guy faded away, as soon as id met him, and realised he was needy, and it wasnt right.

I 'landed' at a friends place, who cooked for me, bought girly products, and doted on me. (since learned hes a bit obsessed thats another story)

 

The man Id loved had become as cold as a shark. He was desparate, he wasnt the man I fell in love with.

 

I miss the guy who could fix my ipod, the guy who i climbed mountains with, the man who carried me when I couldnt walk, the man who held me each night( when we slpet in the same bed) I missed his hands, his feet his smile. He knew so much. He had been there. He was my man....

I dont think I miss his eyes, they lied so much.

 

After we split, heres the worst bit, I called him after 5 weeks, and he cried immeidiatley. He told me he had been with a woman on the island, but now id contacted him, it was over. Done. He seemed genuinely happy id called. I needed some sort of acknowledgement of my loss, our loss.

He never gave me it.

He did keep seeing this woman, and speaking to me daily.

I made flight reservations to go and see him face to face....he said he wasnt ready, he was 'still raw'

it didnt seem right...

after 2 months of going insane, because he had his phone OFF at night... I caved and asked a mutual friend to spy on him....only he didnt have to, it was local knowledge that he was seeing this woman, and she was in my bed each night his phone had been off.

I confronted him, and he was at a loss for words... he had been caught out.

I screamed and cried...how...on top of what id been through??? HOW

 

Thats when I went NC.

 

He ignored it. So did his new woman. I got a few nasty txt messages from her... I replied. He called to abuse me...I got a restraining order on him...

He has applied to put a restrainig order on ME because he doesnt want me to be able to contact Her...

 

So thats why I called him....to ask he not continue with court... it would affect my job, I cannot work with kids, with that hanging over my head. He admits hes only with her because of money, and the fact hed be on the street without her. Its most likley very true. I dont envy her.

 

I do miss him, but after reading this, AND admitting it to the world...

 

THERES NO GOING BACK. The question that will always hang..is HOW COULD HE/ANYONE DO THIS TO ME. HOW DID I ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN??

 

He made me feel unlovable, like he was doing me a favour by being with him.

Ive been a shell of myself since we split.

Good days and bad.. The great thing is, I havent been called a name, or yelled at since I left, for a while I was waiting to feel it... im relaxed nowdays!

 

but coping...thats a whole new story.

 

I need to 'become ' me again. And 7 monyhs later, im doing okay.

 

sorry for spelling, for some reason i cant seem to edit without loosing txt?

[ninjaturtles]

Your story is heartbreaking. I am probably much younger than you, but I recall dating a guy who indirectly made me pay for everything. I invested financially in his life in so many ways, however at some point, I had had enough. I am the type who dates for love, not for money. I am willing to stick through thick and thin HOWEVER, it gets to a point where relationships get UNHEALTHY.

 

I am extremely sorry for what you have been through. No one here was able to appreciate the depth of your pain (from your initial post).

 

I don't know if the advice I render will be of any help, but I would advice you to keep moving foward with your life. You DID NOT deserve the way you were treated. You gave up virtually everything for this man- your money, your love....you even lost your fertility!!....and he had the audacity to tell say the things he said to you....? It makes me froth, when I think of it.

 

I wanted to ask you something, have you actually tried talking to him and letting him know how deeply he hurt you? Does he know what you through because of him?

 

If I were you, I would feel a lot of anger. I will be outraged, however it's always best to remain unbitter. Bitterness is disastrous...so I beg you to let go of any bitterness you may have towards him (when you recall how horridly you were treated).

 

You are doing well, I would advice you to keep moving foward. If you go back to him, there will be too many unresolved problems. I am guessing he is still jobless?...

 

I am rambling a bit, so I should conclude now.

 

When you meet with him, I suggest you let out all your feelings. Tell him exactly why you can't get back with him. Tell him how hurt you were by his actions.....altenatively if you do not feel the need to engage in such conversations, then you could just leave things as they are and move on strongly and steadily.

 

Once again, you don't deserve to be with someone who makes you feel he is doing you a favour. You catered for him for a duration of 2years...you were not even married and you went through so much for him. Wow. You must have loved him.

 

Keep posting and I am sure Lishy and Tokyo and others will give you better advice. They usually do.

 

xx

[justaman99]

Odds are he is still the same guy. Well no odds about it. His relationship with this new women sounds very similar to yours. You can tell a lot about a person when they are in tough times, whether it's financially, or someone passes away or they are in conflict with something or someone. You can also tell a lot about someone in the situations they create for themselves. Massive debt is a problem. I've been in debt before and it was because I was spending beyond my means. But what is he going to do about it? Nothing. He makes a sale and buys jewelry for his gf. The smart thing to do would be to take care of that debt first. He hasn't changed. Things financially are probably worse now.

 

The opinion is in my judgmental mind is this guy has no control over money, no drive, discipline or respect for money which is a huge red flag. I would suspect he's well in his 30s now even. He just finds women that take care of that for him. If this kind of man doesn't suit you that's totally reasonable.

 

Best putting this one behind you,

 

-Just

[Lishy]

Cashley, I have been in, and walked away from a 14 year abusive relationship ... I know how you feel!

 

I cannot put into words how scared and awful I felt when I left, we had a son so I had no choice but to have contact with him and when I left the abuse became much worse and then I moved on and was so happy. When I met my new man my ex became even worse and started attempting suicide and cutting himself. I know its not the same for you but the point I am trying to make is that I have felt as bad and alone as you do and I came through it!! You can too

 

My advice after this recent post is this, DON'T go and see him at all - Stay well away from him and delete his number and any contacts you have for him and forget he exists. Your pain will go, this I promise you!

 

Go and get yourself the best counceller you can and get as much help as you can to get YOU back. I bet you even miss the abuse because after it came such a lovely time where he would be so lovely? I nearly went back a few times as abuse was normal for me, sad but true!

 

I wamt to cry for his poor children who are stuck with him for a dad and a useless poor excuse of a mother who would leave her child with an animal like him!

 

You are lucky, you are many miles away and do not have children with him - You will have kids one day, even through IVF but hopefully it will be with a lovely man who you deserve. Trust me when I say that it would have been so much worse if you were tied to him with a child. I know you are upset over the miscarriages but your other fate would have been worse

 

Lets get this into perspective ....

 

He lets you pay for everything and sits on his arse watching you work to do so

He has no respect for you

He beats you

he has no compassion and does not support you

He tried to get you sectioned

He keeps you a secret

He has a new stupid girlfriend willing to support his sorry arse

He allows his new girl to send YOU abusive messages

He abuses you and calls you names

He offers NOTHING and thats what he gives

He watched you lose a baby and you right to have any with NO emotion and no support, infact he made it even worse

 

 

Remind me why you want to see him?????

[justaman99]

Geez. A guy that doesn't support a woman whom has miscarried a child, their child, is a ****tard period.

 

-Just

[cashley]

Thank you everyone, Lishy you hit the nail on the head....im a victim of abuse, every kind of abuse, and theres a part of me, that 'takes on all the responsibility'...in my 1st post, i read myself saying i could have been a better girlfriend...im still making excuses and sticin up for him...

 

Last night i cracked, and had to let it all out 1. so id be understood here, 2. so now I have this site, and you guys to spur me on.

 

 

I believe I will meet somone,(when im ready-so far if a guy shows me interest, i clam up and never call)

Im not ready yet. I have IVF donor organised to do it alone if I dont meet mr.right. Im 36 tick tock..

 

Today I took a look at my facebook page, and although we are not 'friends' hes sent me a gift on a 3rd party application...

So hes thinking of me...that made me feel good.

 

For some sicko reason, I want to know his new reltionship isnt worth %^#@ and he will realise what hes done to me, and move mountains to get me back....

 

Only now does he seem to 'get' what hes done to me, and ive heard all the apologies, he admits he was a ****, and has promised he now knows what a bum he was, and says i shouldnt let another woman enjoy this new man!!!

 

A big part of me WANTS to see him, just to smile, and let him see what hes lost...sure he knows, but would have forgotton to an extent..I want him to want me... is that so weird. UHHAAA.

 

As it is, he has agreed to have the court thing called off, I will need paperwork to PROVE this, or I have to show up...

He promised to get paperwork on monday, and meet me to give it to me...

 

I can handle that- a meeting with a purpose, because it can be short, I can leave when I feel like I want to.

 

I know I should have forgotton about him already- god knows im trying.

But theres this ache...this missing him...?

 

I became horrible towards the end. I know that. But he would love to antagonise me, get a reaction, tell me im crazy and unlovable and other stuff, then he would make me a tea, or pick me flowers, or wash my car...just do something to show he cared...

 

When we broke up i told him I was afraid he had no soul, and could hurt anyone, without a care in the world, lie as easily as speaking the truth..

 

why is my memory selective???

 

I apologise for not telling all, I cant expect to be understood without telling the story, and THANKS for the support XxX

[cashley]

sorry I meant to thank EVERYONE who bothered to read my essay, and give me your thoughts, every single word is apprieciated. I need all the help I can get.

 

Ive been trodden on, and im totally left wondering what bloody truck just hit me, and, why did i stand in its way?

Lost alone, and confused..*dazed and jaded as well!

 

I feel more clear about why I want to see him now... am I supposed to talk about this here??*shrugs.

 

anyway, I want some kind of closure. I would love to hear some remorse from him, some sympathy for what I went through....

Now, I know I may not get it, in that case, im just reminded of how shallow and nasty he is..

IF he does show me sympathy...its what I need. I need him to understand just how badly I was hurt. He does have it in him to see it and address it.

 

I want to hug him,share a tear, look at him, and say goodbye. Yes it will be sad, but also remind me how strong I am alone, its a kind of closure. ....and how great im looking is just the icing on the cake. He will feel a very big twinge..I have lost weight, and have begun taking better care of myself, dressing well and making an effort... (thats been since the break up, for ME!)

 

call me selfish- i need to feel good about myself, and knowing his new relationship is BS, somehow helps me not feel so much like i meant NOTHING? I have no idea why I feel like this. Its sick, and twisted.

 

He would have to do some pretty amazing things to ever 'win me back'...dont think its possible.

 

Yes I miss the familiar, but im better off for leaving, and i DO KNOW THIS.

 

Im staying with an old friend, who I had lost contact with for 10years, hes gay, and a very close friend. He knows the situation, and doesnt like my ex from what ive told him), so im staying in a very happy supportive environment.

It will be fun, hes got us a great bottle of champagne, and we are kind of like 'will&Grace'... it will be awesome seeing my old friend.

He was, and depending on what happens, maybe IS coming to court with me.

 

Infact we 'found' eachother a few weeks ago, through facebook! so this reunion is very timley, and just what I need, to be around someone, who knows me so well. We lived together through my 20's...we were best friends for a long time.

 

anyway, im off for qld in a few hours, im driving up, and will be taking my laptop, so I can post!

 

Im not going straight to the X, im relaxing and IF i dont change my mind(about seeing him), he should get me the paperwork on monday.

 

After that, I see no reason to speak to him, ever again.

[cashley]

I saw him. And, I got my aplogies, I got some resoltuion..? i think?

 

Honestly, now im confused. We sat and hugged and talked, and cried,....kissed, and some of it made sense, and somehow it was very sad... there was a good love there once....and it was wasted.

 

This was our first contact since I left. It was really intense.

 

Theres an overwhelming sadness about all that happened, and how it ended.

 

He isnt anywhere close to being in love with this gf, and if he is...crickey. He is leaving her, so he says...

 

Seeing him was hard...I remembered the guy I first met... we didnt talk, just hugged and cried.

Yes I feel a fool.. and another part of me is blinded, and holding on.

After all hes done to me, i miss him so much, i dont know why.

 

Cris Issac was on tv tonight, singing.."i dont wanna fall in love...what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you, what a wicked game you played, to make me feel this way"....i could relate.

Noboby, loves No one...is how the song ends.

 

I feel numb, and distant... I cant say I havent entertained the idea of giving it another go. Part of me thinks thats emotional suicide, the other part wants to feel his arms around me, and theres that blinding feeling.

 

Right now, as the beastie boys say..'dont ask me cause i just dont know':confused:

[cashley]

It (seeig him) was a mistake.

 

A BIG mistake. BUT the mystery is gone.

 

I have no doubt hes still the **** i left.

 

Maybe i needed this, so id stop doubting myself.

 

I never want to see him again.