Supposed to be friends, but I don't think I can

[Joyvke]

Hi,

 

So I got this guy I know for a few months now. Through some forums of a game. Take a wild guess which game :').

 

Anyway, at the time we started to talk he had some things going on in his life. Being hurt by a girl that has a boyfriend and just keeping him on the lash. Me telling him he should let go of girls like that, because if she really liked him she would have chosen him.

 

He seemed like a nice guy, so we kept talking. After some time we started to "ring" each other on skype. His voice was so sweet and soft and just completely matched the personality I tend to know.

 

After some time. Things happened. We fell asleep on skype and woke up and were like "omg, we fell asleep on skype?". Which happened some times more, where we just chose to go sleep. He suddenly started to blow kisses and I felt awkward at that time. This went going on for some time and suddenly he asks, "what is this for you?". I said I didn't really know but that I enjoyed it alot. He said he liked me alot. At the time I didn't know him so well, so couldn't really say I did like him so much. Also fact given, he is from England and well, I'm not. I'm from the Netherlands, just started a new education. Anyway, he decided to stick around with me. After me telling that stuff.

 

After a time, I really was beginning to fall in love with his personality, I never had seen a picture or anything. I really wanted to meet up and see how it would go. After I admitted my feelings to him things had changed.

 

We didn't sent messages so much on the forums, we didn't fall asleep on skype either. Distancing I guess. He asked me several times how I felt and I said I was confused but really falling in love, not knowing if I wanted to. He said he'd prolly let himself do so as well if it wasn't for where we are.

 

We spent alot of time together online and always have a blast. He really just wants to be friends and I just want that meeting to see how it would be. So to the point. I was just a friend for him, nothing more.

 

Some things happened. Apparantly he went to this other girl *he didn't tell me, he told me he went to relatives...*. Just before he went to his relatives he asked me what would happen if one of us would meet someone else. I told him we prolly would spend not so much time anymore. It got me worried sick, my feelings told me "he's gonna see someone". He assured me that wasn't the case and that it was natural to think that. He did see his relatives for 3 days, and the 4th day that girl. A girl that has a baby already and is pregnant of her 2nd one, being 21... Going back and forth to her ex apparantly :S.

 

Last week I found out my gut feeling was right in both times. There was someone else (found that out 3 weeks ago) AND he did visit the girl (found that out last week, he visited about 3 weeks ago). Found out through some of his friends. He didn't tell me he visited me, because when he looked back it was all pretty **** and it only hurts him for thinking about the entire situation.

 

Things didn't go that well. We had a huge fight (when I found out he was in love with someone).

 

In a way that fight made me 'happy', maybe THIS was finally THE FINAL STRAW to NOT contact anymore! We had tried this many times as I'm very confused. One of us would always initiate contact. For some reason we just can't seem to do without the contact we have.

 

Anyway, even after the fight we had, we had shallow contact, and after 3 days everything was 'fine' again. Talking loads again, things were "normal" again. Regarding the "friendship". I told him I had found out the girl recently had an ex and that I wondered who was the one going to get hurt. Some days later he tells me she indeed went back to her ex. He was very hurt, I felt really bad for him.

 

He needs me as a friend right now, but I don't think I can do this. We have so much contact again. Like I said, I really want to meet up and see how it would be from there. Meeting is so much different then online. I don't know, but even after this I want to make him happy, I want to be there for him. Showing not all girls are like the ones he met. He has been messed about alot. Taken advantage off etc.

 

I guess I'm nuts, I just want to believe my gut feeling one more time I guess. I really adore this guy. I tried distancing/ blocking/ not talking so many times, he did too. Everytime we talk again. When we had that huge fight he told me he missed me alot, as a friend. We always have so much fun, we talk about everything pretty much as well. I spent time with him as I would with a boyfriend. Not as with just a friend. I wish I could cut it down, but I can't.

 

We just don't seem to be able to "cut" of stuff. In a way my feelings tells me, he really likes you, just doesn't seem to be able to see it".

 

His friends are telling me the exact same thing. They said they like me and that we'd be good together and that there's definatly something there. That I need to be his friend right now, let him get his head in the right direction to get over his feelings at the minute. Give him time and such...

 

I just don't know what to do anymore myself.

 

We did talk about the new year, perhaps meeting up. He said "If you don't change your mind" as if I'd change like that... I dislike driving, lots, but for him I'd drive over honestly. Even though it's a quiet long drive.

 

Told him yesterday he needs a friend, and that I am going to try and be that friend he needs. Untill he will be ok, if he's going to be ok I will probably leave as a friend. I don't like the idea of him meeting other girls, me picking up the pieces when he's hurt again. I want to be THE ONE, not second best.

 

I feel so stupid at times. Sorry for the long read.

 

Our ages are 26 and 24 (me being 24). I have been in long relations before and he as well. He is generally a confusing guy though. His friend told me as well.

 

Sorry for the long read.

 

Joyce

 

(ps: If people think I'm desperate for a boyfriend and try to get this "online" that's not true. I really want this guy because, believe it or not, his personality is great. When I saw him smile on webcam I was completely sold afterwards. I can get "stuff" irl, but I don't like people just like that, if you know what I mean ).

 

(reposted here, think it suits better here then in the friends forum)

[carhill]

How far apart do you live (miles/kms)?

 

IMO, and I dealt with this a few times at your age, you're in too deep for/with someone you've never met.

 

Relationships, including healthy friendships, develop over time with personal interaction. Letters, phone calls, e-mails, etc serve as a communication channel adjunct to personal interaction. Otherwise, this is just a "pen-pal", no matter how many emotions get involved. I remember, just as you write, having whole relationships, marriage and divorce all without ever meeting the other person. It mostly happened a generation ago so I can now laugh about it, but it was certainly real at the time. Maybe you'll laugh later, too

[Joyvke]

How far apart do you live (miles/kms)?

 

IMO, and I dealt with this a few times at your age, you're in too deep for/with someone you've never met.

 

Relationships, including healthy friendships, develop over time with personal interaction. Letters, phone calls, e-mails, etc serve as a communication channel adjunct to personal interaction. Otherwise, this is just a "pen-pal", no matter how many emotions get involved. I remember, just as you write, having whole relationships, marriage and divorce all without ever meeting the other person. It mostly happened a generation ago so I can now laugh about it, but it was certainly real at the time. Maybe you'll laugh later, too

 

It's about 788 kilometers. With the plane and such I think it's 3-4 hours, and by car it's 14 or something (yea I looked it up :/).

 

I know I'm in too deep for someone I've never met. I got plenty of online friends that started of as "online" friends but are real life friends now after meeting up. If it feels good I go meet people. I trust my feeling on it and it never let me down, but once regarding that.

 

Yes, it might be just stuff to communicate through, but it can be a lot more as well. I mean, Skype is literally having phonecalls, so it's not just "text". I wouldn't call what we had a relation, I do call it "friendship". Just I really really want to meet up and see how it would be then and such.

 

I'd never "marry" nor "divorce" over the net. Like I said, I'd like a relation, but it depends on how it would be with the meeting, IF that happens. So it's not that I'm like some people that never met "I got a relation of 3 years with this person online" while never having met. I'm not like that .

 

I am trying to get out, but it's so hard cause my feeling keeps telling me, "hang on, wait till you finally meet with him, it will be alright".

[carhill]

What's keeping you from meeting him in person? In the EU, internal airfares and train fares are pretty cheap.

 

I met a pen-pal once. She lived in Lviv, UA and I lived in Cali. It was about a 13 hour plane ride each way. I had a great time. She eventually became a friend of both I and my wife, though we've lost touch the last couple years. But, by spending time with her, both in her home country and when she was here on work, we established a real world friendship. I've done similar with men and women in other countries, since I love to travel. It's the real that cements the relationship (or ends it). I've met very few who I've been confident about that turned out to be different IRL.

 

Hop on RyanAir or BMI (or the cheap carrier in your locale) and go visit him

[Joyvke]

He just had his heart broken, we hopefully will meet in the new year. He wants to meet on neutral terrain. Though I don't really care about that.

 

Yeah. Been to Denmark and Sweden to meet people as well. Danish has been my friend for 4 -5 years now .

 

<--- Loves traveling too, preferably by traines and busses though!

 

(I need to stop checking this forum so much hehe)

[Joyvke]

So hmm, I don't know what to say right now.

 

Our contact was meant to be broken last week. Yet we didn't manage stop talking again. We both fail so much at it. Now we spend alot of time online again, yes I know, it's not the same as offline, but for me it's still "something". Still hope seeing eachother for real would solve alot.

 

He is afraid of giving mixed signals again, but likes to hang out with me because it's fun. I don't know what to do. I want to walk away, but I can't. I am hoping for that meeting and that alot of things will be cleared up. Am I stupid for doing so? Really having this feeling I shouldn't let him go. Wish someone would smack him to open his eyes or something . Or maybe even smack me for opening up eyes.

 

Told him if he wanted me to walk away he should let me go, but I know he can't and I can't either... It almost looks like an addiction to each other.

 

Been thinking of just driving over and go "hi, guess who?". Just, I don't want to make him scared, it might come over "stalkerish" or something.

 

Aaarrgggh /pulls hair.