Groovy Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Five days ago my boyfriend moved in. I told myself I wouldn't judge the relationship this week because we are both adjusting to a lot. But there's a kicker that got me thinking twice.....he wants to split everything to the penny like utilities, electric, house payment, our groceries are bought seperately. If he buys something for $30 or so for the house I am asked to deduct it. I own my house so I suppose to some people I am lucky to have him pay for a house payment at all. However, I feel that if we are interested in being life long partners that we shouldn't be itemizing everything like we are only roommates and nothing more. I can get that with a lot less hassle elsewhere. He is also not interested in letting me touch his computer, fishing rods and a few other items. I asked why not and he says people use his stuff and they usually break it. I think he is being childish and selfish. As well as acting emotionally unavailable with his "what's mine is mine and yours is yours" attitude. There should be a feeling of union that is absent. I dated for 8 months and discovered he did not want to be married after a bad divorce and 13 years of it. So I said good bye to him. Six months later he claimed he was open to it and regretted seeing me go. All a long I have been nothing but clear of my desires. We have dated now for 5 months since we broke up. I told him he is not acting like someone who wants to share their life with me. And based on first times around that I am skeptical. That if he wants we can keep our money separate. After all I am the one with the house and parents who will leave a large inheritance to me. I am trying to make the point unlike his ex wife I could give a tiny rats ass about his money. He told me I was jumping the gun on talking about marriage and he just moved in. But since we started dating again I made it clear that's what I want with him and he told me he was OK with this. I thought living together was a step toward that and instead I feel I am playing the role of a wife with everything without the ring. He told me it has only been 5 days. I shared with him he didn't seem interested in talking about important issues or making small sacrifices and if he didn't change this wasn't going to work for me. That I was looking forward to this experience and he has dissapointed me. He claims he's open to it but actions speak louder than words and it does not feel like we are heading into that realm. The words pretty much mean nothing....... He seems interested in doing everything right but taking a real interest in marriage. He has met my family, he cooks for me, etc. But I do not see him being able to make a real commitment and I am wondering how long I should give my 5 day roommate before I decide we are in this for different reasons. I know right now he might just be anxious about the move itself but I do not want to waste either one of our times. His son is here this weekend and the ex wife had an emergency where she may need to leave him with us for a few months. I feel like I am making a big commitment that needs to be appreciated. And if I ask him to leave what should I say? Where to begin? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Uh-oh! Sorry, I have no advice on what to say other than: "I made a mistake. Get out!" Ugh, but then you're going to feel guilty, and let him hang until he finds a place, and he's not going to pay anything since you're kicking him out, and he's not going to find a new place, either, until the police get involved...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 It's not even been a week and he may need to adjust so asking him to leave may be premature. But I do need to set a timeline and decide if he can make me happy or not. If he has hang ups in getting married it doesn't matter why, all that matters is he's wants it or doesn't. And if he needs to go with his son I will not feel bad when I have been nothing but forthright. I should not settle for false promises just because living together is convenient for everyone. After all, I went in expressing my intentions and I need to put my happieness first. Since we spoke I'd say give him a chance to start acting less like a roommate. I will not be hopeful until he gives me reason to be. Nor will I make a lot of sacrifices for someone who is not ready to do the same. I will wait for actions to speak louder than words and when that day does not come I will ask him to leave and move on. I don't foresee with notice that he would resist. It's my house and if I don't want him there he should go. I have accepted it for what it is. He may be getting cold feet or he may have lied to me all together. I think time will reveal all that. I have only done what I can do to make this work and now I must wait and see, but not wait too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Forgive me for being so blunt but - I think you're making a big mistake. Your gut instinct told you "This is NOT a good idea, I'm getting the collywobbles and I do not like the way this is panning out". But then, your analytical, logical mind has taken over, and you're saying you're going to give it time, not jump to conclusions, not do anything hasty.... I see it so often. People suppress their inner voice - which is after all, a sensational alarm system, designed by Nature to save your life!! - and they decide to go with Reason and discernment. Big Mistake. HUUUUGE. 9 times out of 5, people wish they'd listened to their gut instinct. I think you should too. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Unless you all are like 21 then he needs to grow the eff up. You split bills 50/50 room mate style when you are young and have no money.. If you do it later on in life to the woman you love then there is more at work here than him wanting to be treated fair. I personally never once split any bill at any point in my life when I was living with a woman but that is me and I've always been one to not care about halfsies. Does he make you split food too ?? I also think you both needed to hammer these things out BEFORE you moved in with one another.. At this point I would realize that he doesn't consider you a life long love and only considers you a room mate who he is sharing HIS body fluids with... It isn't going to get better from here on out.. A good talk is in order and then wait for the actions...if no actions happen then boot him out and move on. While it could be said that he is helping you with half your mortgage it can also be said that you have improved his lifestyle by 10 fold. Have you talked about doing this kind of stuff .. like If you pay all the mortgage why not have him pay all the utilities and food ? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 9 times out of 5, people wish they'd listened to their gut instinct. *steals this line, plans to use it for evil* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 I agree he needs to grow up. We agreed before hand that we would split bills. We didn't say it would be so itemized and trivial. I also agreed when I dated him again that I was taking him back based on a new attitude on not being afraid of marriage because that desire in me did not change. As far as kicking him out, I think it is unreasonable to leave his son, the dog and him with no where to go homeless and no notice with no conversation to try and resolve things first. That is wrong. If and when I see no improvement after communicating I will give him notice to give him time to find a place. I am really not interested in someone who doesn't want the same things and I am not interested in manipulating someone either. He will either need to realize he wants the things I do or doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 I think to be fair neither one of you expressed your expectations going into this and now neither of you are having them met. Do what you feel is best, but own up to your side of this. Your way or the highway is always the grown up thing to do...especially when trying to build a life long relationship with someone. In future, remember that marriage is about compromise and respect, two things you need to consider before getting involved with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 I agree with redfathom. You should have nutted out how you both expect living together to work - before moving him in! No one is going to meet your needs perfectly, ever. It sounds like you're going to make a number of demands to try and force him to be exactly what you want; where's the compromise? Why aren't you considering his needs in this and trying to make a middle ground you can both handle? Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 You have to look at it from his side, you at least got to stay in your house, he was much more uprooted then you. If he has some personal things that he want's off limits to you, then respect his boundries. Here are two things I view as small and my husbnad views as big...1. his towel rack, he doesn't like it if I leave things on his towel or towel rack, 2. his pillow, he doesn't like it when I cuddle with it and it get's smooshed. Those might seem small, but not understanding these things are important to him means I am disrespecting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 He admitted he had trust issues from his marriage so I think some of what I said sank in. Just the fact he talked about it was good. Right now a lot it going on. I didn't expect him to propose the first week he moved in! I just want to know the intention is there then I am OK with him living here. That was communicated by me for posters who did not read my posts. It was communicated over a year ago and many times in between this week. Tomorrow the ex wife goes to court and it looks like I may have his son moving in tomorrow. She has her 3rd DUI and this time is big jail time. I did not expect this and have a lot of mixed feelings! But I knew by asking him to move in I would also possibly have his son living here at any time. (This soon I did not expect). I think we both feel a bit overwhelmed and we all deal with issues our own way. I can only take it day by day. I only know right now it is too soon and unfair to turn him away with everything else going on. I think for the next few days I should probably just not even think about it until I know where the son is going, how the conversation has changed or hasn't changed us, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Will you now split the finances into thirds? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Five days ago my boyfriend moved in. I told myself I wouldn't judge the relationship this week because we are both adjusting to a lot. Allright Groovy, that one made me laugh. You told yourself you wouldn't judge things in the first week, and then you spent the next 7 paragraphs judging things after 5 days ... My advice may be different from others but I think these things take time. It's a big change for both of you and, despite his quirks about some of his things, one that takes time to adjust to. I'd follow your original instincts and give some time for things to settle down. JMHO.... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 He admitted he had trust issues from his marriage so I think some of what I said sank in. Just the fact he talked about it was good. Right now a lot it going on. I didn't expect him to propose the first week he moved in! I just want to know the intention is there then I am OK with him living here. That was communicated by me for posters who did not read my posts. It was communicated over a year ago and many times in between this week. Tomorrow the ex wife goes to court and it looks like I may have his son moving in tomorrow. She has her 3rd DUI and this time is big jail time. I did not expect this and have a lot of mixed feelings! But I knew by asking him to move in I would also possibly have his son living here at any time. (This soon I did not expect). I think we both feel a bit overwhelmed and we all deal with issues our own way. I can only take it day by day. I only know right now it is too soon and unfair to turn him away with everything else going on. I think for the next few days I should probably just not even think about it until I know where the son is going, how the conversation has changed or hasn't changed us, etc. Has it crossed your mind at all yet that the reason for this guy's change of heart about you, about his willingness to move in with you might actually be centered more around his need for some help in taking care of his kid? Not for anything but him moving in 5 days ago and the announcement that his kid will most likely be added to the mix tomorrow sends up huge red flags for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 As far as the bills go, I don't see what the problem with sharing the expenses is. My boyfriend and I split rent (he pays more though because he makes more and uses our 2nd bedroom as his office) and both pay for food and utilities. We don't nickle and dime everything down to the tee, we just estimate. When we go grocery shopping we put everything on one bill and he pays with his credit card. Then we just kind of guestimate what exactly I should chip in for food. Then I just write him a check for a flat amount (like 40 bucks if we spend like $110.46 or something like that). It works pretty well. It takes an adjustment when you move in together and you BOTH have to find a way that you can live together. Taking a different stance from everyone else, I think you go through a period of adjustment. I suggest talking to him about this. Tell him everything that you just told us and see what he says. Ask him if you two can come to some kind of compromise or system in which you both will be happy. If he isn't willing to compromise or work something out, then I don't know how good a husband he would make. Personally I wouldn't marry someone who didn't listen to my concerns and wasn't willing to come to some kind of compromise on something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 Has it crossed your mind at all yet that the reason for this guy's change of heart about you, about his willingness to move in with you might actually be centered more around his need for some help in taking care of his kid? Not for anything but him moving in 5 days ago and the announcement that his kid will most likely be added to the mix tomorrow sends up huge red flags for me. The ex wife has had problems the entire time I have known him. He had custody of the son the first year we met while she went through a rough patch and before we lived together. We discussed moving in together before the ex wife got into trouble this time and I asked HIM to move in. Therefore, I do not feel like it was a set up planned by him, just a coincidence. When your with someone who has a child you need to take a risk these things can happen. It's just unfortunate timing is off. I would not expect him to leave his kid home alone while the ex goes to jail for a month (he would be in jail too)! Nor do I expect him to pack it all up the same week to find a place to live on short notice because it's inconvenient for me. Apparently things I find to be roomate like a lot of couples think is normal, like itemizing finances. I will just have to choose my battles in what is most important to me. I think I should allow an adjustment period and decide if he's right for me as we get to know each other even more. I should probably give that at least a few months and then assess where this relationship is going for us. At least we have been able to talk about the issues that are frustrating us. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 I think you were hoping that by letting him move in (encouraging it) and his son that it would help him change his mind about marrying you. Also, just don't wait for the adjustment period to happen, you need to talk about these things, all of them. You need to also listen...explain your expectations and setup boundries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 I think you were hoping that by letting him move in (encouraging it) and his son that it would help him change his mind about marrying you. Also, just don't wait for the adjustment period to happen, you need to talk about these things, all of them. You need to also listen...explain your expectations and setup boundries. Not at all. I just realized it doesn't mean we have to get married this week. After all, that was never an expectation we shared. We talked about living together for a while to see if we were right for each other, that's all. I just got the news the son is not moving in and things got worked out for now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 I know this is hard on you, but BOTH of you now need to focus on his son. Im' sure the kid is confused and upset that his mom is going to be in jail. Everything else will fall into place as it should. Respect eachother, communicate and really listen to one another. Each of you can compromise and also, let little things go. You'll learn that as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 I agree which WWIU, your BF's first priority needs to be his son. I hope things got worked out in the best interest of his son. It can't be easy for his son to have to live with an alcoholic mother who is now going to jail. Maybe your BF should get his own place with a 2nd room for his son. Why does he not have custody of his son now with everything that the mom is doing? Obviously she is unfit at this time to care for him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 The ex wife will always bring chaos into the lives of people around her. If we were to wait for a day for that to end there would never be a time for us. If he were to wait for her dust to settle he would never levae the house. Even as friends only he was honest about his divorce. He forced the son to live with him 1 year ago and it wasn't a welcome gesture. The son wants to be with his mother because he is 16 and worries about her drinking. My boyfriend decided if he is doing OK in school and staying out of trouble that it was best not to be handled in court and forced by him because it will creat a rift between everyone. It didn't make sense to me until I stuck around long enough to see where everyone was coming from. I am not saying it's how I would handle it but I understand why. We live down the street and when my boyfriend was living alone he also was in the neighborhood. We are 1/4 mile away if he ever needs a ride, wants to talk or needs anything my boyfriend is there for him. He has made it clear that if his son wishes to leave he can. It is complicated and we can't choose who we fall in love with. Regardless of what happens I am sure we will all be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 That is a huge responsability for the son, especially since the mother (according to you) has been and always will fail at getting sober. I hope the son understands that being supportive is okay, but actually being able to change her is something entierly different and not something he is responsible for. It's nice that you are both avilable for him and have an open door. I can't imagine what it would be like at 16 to be responsible for someone else. I am surprised the state has not intervined and child services havn't been called to make the descision for him... Link to post Share on other sites
bright-amber Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 my advise would be youre still adjusting its dam hard when someone first moves in,its an invasion of your personal space,however i do feel hes being rather selfish, if in time this doesnt change,i would say... shut the door on the way out, be true to yourslef above all things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 Thanks guys! In reality few of us grow up in functional homes. If the state intervened on alcoholic parents A LOT of kids would be taken out of their homes. The 16 year old talks with me and his father about it. He feels counseling like al-anon isn't for him. He has decided to stay with her and it certainly isn't my choice. In the next few months he will be 17. It has been my greatest challenge and one I have learned to accept many months ago. I do not plan to judge things this week, but in a few months see where I am with all this. That is all I can say for now! Link to post Share on other sites
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