How to get him to participate

[me4u2]

I've been consistently coordinating "date night". From the babysitter, the time, the place, the event, etc.

 

I've asked several times for him to come up with something. He says he will, it gets down to the wire and I end up doing all the work. The last time I asked, I admit, it was probably the wrong way. I basically said, I'm not doing the date night until you come up with a plan. Guess what....he came home last week all ready to go out and no babysitter. He was pissed.

 

I told him I thought he was going to coordinate something. He fires back with the fact that he's working and I should do it. He knows I don't expect him to coordinate the babysitter, etc. All I'm looking for here is for him to come home and say, here's what we're doing or where we're going.

 

I specifically said, "i feel like you aren't excited or you don't want to do anything since you aren't willing to think of something". He said he likes that I do it and it's one less thing for him to think about after working all day.

 

Really, is this so difficult? What am I missing? Should I suggest something else? Is there something less mind blowing or taxing that I could suggest to him so I could feel like he's participating in something? That's basically what I'm looking for. An effort.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Is it possible to use the approach that you would like for the next few date nights to be surprise nights? You start, and plan a special evening that you think HE would love, then next he plans something that in his opinion you would enjoy. The only hint either of you give is how to dress.

 

Or maybe he's just overwhelmed right now, and wants to sit back and enjoy the time alone without having to think too much about it. I don't think that there is any harm in that, but obviously its bothering you a bit.

 

Sometimes its fun just to leave not knowing where you will end up.

[laRubiaBonita]

why does he have to plan it at all?

 

if he looks forward to it each week and wants to spend time with you, why not just do the main planning yourself. you can leave some time after dinner or a movie and he can -if he wants- ad lib onto the nights events.

 

maybe he feels like you will poo poo on his ideas of what he thinks you will enjoy.

 

i know my husband is fine staying home watching buck rogers reruns or godzilla or flash gordon, and when i watch them with him, as eye rolling as the shows are to me, i do it cause he likes it when i spend that time with him.

[me4u2]

I like the surprise nights. That's a good idea.

 

Regarding him planning it all, he's not. He doesn't have to line up anything but an idea. If he throws the idea together, then I'll make it happen. I'm asking for him to come up with something for a few reasons. The main reason is because he's very fine with the day to day things and I'm blah with everything. I need and want something different. You want to be wanted after awhile you know. I'm the initiator in every aspect and he loves that and it works well for the most part. But we're supposed to be working on him taking the lead in some things and it's not being reciprocated. I know it's rough for him, so that's why I threw out for him to come up with an idea. He knows I'm easy to please, he could say let's sit out in the back yard and I'd jump for joy at the chance to chill out and chat for a bit.

 

I guess maybe the date night thing isn't a good idea for us is what I'm starting to think. I thought it was a simple idea but maybe I should give that up or just continue planning it anyway. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's just that it doesn't really accomplish what we're trying to work on.

[me4u2]

Well, technically I work, as in I bring home a salary. But it's a strange arrangement. I sold my business last year and for the next 2 years I get paid whether I consult with them or not.

 

So I don't consider myself working, rather I consider myself a stay at home mom. But I have days like this, where my MIL wanted to come pick up the kids and spend the day with them. Granted they are few and far between, lol, but still, I'm thankful for those days. So quite honestly, I'm bored, no kids, house is clean, no errands to run, dinner is in the oven.

 

That's why I say, I completely don't care about him making the arrangements. I guess you hit the nail on the head about him getting excited. That's what I'm looking for I guess and I think this just isn't a method to where I can see him get excited. His excitement is getting out, not in looking forward to it or figuring out where to go or what to do.

 

I just answered my own thread, lol! Date nights aren't achieving what I'm looking for.