Decision

[You'reasian]

Is it better to make a relationship work, power through the challenges and move it into marriage territory or to scrutinize the relationship, possible red flags and other deal breakers before making a decision?

 

Taking the later, what are possible red flags in a marriage or deal breakers?

 

Thanks.

[Sunshine11]

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? There are tons of books about the topic. You could certainly buy one of those, "1,001 Questions to Ask Your Significant Other Before Tying the Knot" books--I've heard they are actually really helpful. With that said, I'm pretty confident my current boyfriend would balk at exploring those unless I made it my 'issue of the month,' basically saying it is really really important to me for the success of our relationship (which I'm debating doing if we get engaged).

 

For me personally, I have been slowly defining my ideal life partner via all my previous failed relationships. I think I've got it pretty figured out at this point (although I say that everytime ). Basically, I want a man without any mental health problems, substance abuse problems (alcohol and cigarettes included), and certainly without any history of being abusive, one who is kind, considerate, intelligent, attractive, can be relatively independent, makes smart decisions, makes healthy life choices, and takes responsibility for himself and his actions.

 

Is that so much to ask?

 

(So far, my current boyfriend meets all my criteria!)

 

Also, I define my red flags, and my deal breakers (e.g. abusive, smoker, substance abuse, mental health issues, really lazy) and don't look back. I encourage you to define your own deal-breakers, and also to define the basis for your ideal man--the qualities you require in a life-partner. For example, if you are committed to your religion, and require that your significant other practice the same religion, and he's not willing to convert, then it's not going to work. Or if you KNOW you want children, and he KNOWS he doesn't, let him go.

 

Best of luck!

[You'reasian]

You have a good check list.

 

I would say I have nearly the same one's for the ladies I am interested in. I do not expect a perfect woman - just perfect for me.

 

Mental health has to be there, but if she has a mental health issue, I'd have to be certain that it would be one that I could handle and that wouldnot materially affect our relationship.

 

She's gotta be drug free, not a chain smoker (maybe once in a while, but not going thru a pack a day), have a good/positive disposition, loyal and be somewhat independent as well.

 

Not a long list.