Lost love to jealousy, hurting.

[S.R.]

After enduring lota emotional abuse of about 5 years,no kids, during my separation of 1 year (though still under same roof with ex before divorce becasue of family issues), I, now 32, met a nice guy, 'F' now 31, that I became friends with... he tried to get close to me initially. We got very close and got involved (not because I was bouncing) but it was like forces drawing us together, he was the ONE I had been waiting all my life before compromising with my ex... my friend 'F' fit perfectly into the dream man I thought could never be real. And I found out later that he felt the same about me. By then F moved to West and we were apart for a little less than 1 year. During this time, I had NO desire for trying/meeting another guy. I moved out after filing for divorce and since I had helped F with certain things, he wanted to return favor and invited me to move as his roommate. And I did amidst my practical difficulties, though I made it clear that we'd share expenses halfway. There, we fell in love with each other. While I was honest about my feelings, he never came clean because he thought he was not good enough for me on every level and thought I deserved a lot more in life. He came from a blue collared background whereas I came from a white collared. But after experiencing life and losing precious time, I could care less for all that rubbish, I just wanted to be happy and at peace and always made sure he knew this side of me. But though he would draw me to him, once we'd get intimate he'd push me away and would talk about other girls that he met and push me to date nice guys. So confused about his stand, I started making new friends on craigslist, to make F jealous, hoping he will take a stand one way or the other, but I never had it in me to go meet these guys or take it any further, because I was way too much in love with F by then. So I started for an honest friend to divert and protect my fragile ego from being pushed away by him. But when I did make a guy friend, which I shared with him, he suddenly felt very possessive... it worked like a charm and he not only came clean but also professed his desire to date me and make me his'. Apparently he NEVER felt this way with any woman before... he would talk about marriage and children too long before I did. I was in bliss and to my surprise he was in a much bigger bliss! My 5 years of emotional abuse, my divorce and guilt of letting my family down with my divorce soon became all worth it because of him. But soon after that he moved back to East coast for his project while I continued there in the West. He started feeling very insecure of losing me to another man because of the long distance, so urged me to move back to the East, as I was searching for a new job anyway. So I did as we both missed each other crazy. Upon his insistence followed by eagerness, we moved into a two bedroom as we needed that space (split all expenses halfway) and I started getting busy with my job search in this city with no friends nearby but him.

 

But after moving in together and after I adjusted to everything amidst a job stress, drying funds, he started doubting me. He asked me to marry him couple times; But I assured him that I would love to but not just yet. First I needed to date him and secure a job and fall into a healthy groove of mutual respect, space, trust and love first. But he started connecting the wrong dots and make me look as though I wanted to keep my options open. I assured him again and again that I was in love with him on every level and would NOT want anybody else or their attention. I believed this is THE ONE for me. I was very dedicated to him in my heart, mind and soul. But he kept doubting me, kept analyzing every little thing about me. We had fights as I started losing my patience when he started a new drama literally every other day. I'd assure him until he'd drain my patience and at the end of it, just start yelling at him for hurting me like this and ask him to just leave (this is very unlike me... and not proud of me for not handling it better even though I had my stress). We had several such fights and one day without any proof, or logic, he just accused me to cheating on him (this was the time when I had literally no life and I was working very hard to update my skills on resume), and he just up and left. And so many times I tried to reason with him, literally pleaded with him to talk about things in an adult way; that his insecurity is making him look at me like some hot bi*#ch with no substance looking for fun. Yes I'm very attractive, but I'm also a very smart, hardworking woman with clarity and substance in life. I have grown up to have a taste and desire for love and companionship with one man for my lifetime. But he kept doubting me, accused me that I got intimate with him while under the same roof with my ex, even though he knew all along and I was clear that I was over with my ex and waiting for the right time (to break the news to my family) to file for a divorce. But I still didn't want my ex to know about F because I don't know how to handle the weirdness. But F knows PRETTY well that any given time there was only one guy on my mind, in my heart. But F kept accusing that I'm manipulating him and be with him only until I found a better option, though he knows that I have refused alliances of Millionares and CEOs that my cousins tried to hook me up with, on the bay in CA, and moved in with him and wanted to struggle together the hard way. But he goes through my 2-3 yr. old emails where I was trying to find friends on craigslist to discuss my marriage problems. He thinks of it as me wanting to flirt around and forcibly made it look like a flighty personality trait on my part seeking excitement surreptitiously. I tried to explain, reason, pleaded, threatened, because I was hurting too deep that my love, my dream man was not able to see my love and dedication for him. He refuses to talk, email, meet or communicate with me in any way. He ended it accusing me, crying all through that I hurt him to his core... he is suffering there and asked me to get out of his life and never talk to him again. He just took off leaving me in the lurch with the rent. He took half his security deposit too; And when I asked him what would he suggest I do if I don't find a roommate, especially now when my funds are drying up and I don't have a job and I moved here because of him, he replied "you should have thought about that before cheating on me". I'm furious and heartbroken at the same time. I am breaking on every level because I loved him and NEVER looked at another man. We had even named our kids. I had declined financial help from my family after my uncontested divorce (I was naive and didn't want his money), I had limited savings that I spent in a 2 BR and on gifts for my BF. Now I'm too proud to ask my family so working very hard to make ends meet. I don't want his money, because I'm losing something more worth... my life, my love, my dreams, my hope, my motivation, my trust... sorry I'm not in my composure

 

Then I remembered that before we fell in love I observed that on his myspace account, he had put his orientation as 'bi' and when I asked him about it, he said he wasn't too proud of it because he put it as 'bi' to score both straight and bi chicks. He also visited happening gay clubs, and when I asked him about this (I'm very naive about such things), he told him that this is quite a common thing in the city... straight people hanging out at famous gay clubs. And given the fact that he is a liberal person that respects every race, religion and sexuality, and not a homophobe, I believed him. But now I'm confused if this could be the reason why he left me, if he could be bi or gay and if his insecurity or his doubts about me are just a cover up. Or if he is just pushing me away the way he did when it all started. I know and am well aware that neither one of the reasons 'bisexuality' or 'insecurity' or him 'sacrificing me to a better man' nonsense is healthy for my life... and even after his rude emails, I'm still not able to be angry at him for what he did to me, and still hoping he'd come back to me on some level. I'm unable to get over him. I was never like this in my life EVER.... I'm a very successful woman, double Masters, accomplished sportswoman - was my state champ, popular, above all very beautiful. What's happening here? Please HELP!! -pingnell