Can it work again?

[Valdar]

My wife and I have separated and she now lives in another state with our son. She just moved out of state a month ago even though we've been separated for months.

 

I miss him terribly and think that maybe we can be good parents for him if we got back together. She has said that she will do anything in order to repair our marriage and get back what was lost. She feels like she made a huge mistake. She is also having a hard time adjusting on her own and still contacts me regarding little things that she needs help with.

 

I am struggling to get by financially because I have to cover child support along with paying for plane visits to him, but I'm hoping this will pass and I'll get used to counting pennies.

 

She seems very sincere in wanting to get back together and that things will change, but I'm not so sure that they will.

 

In the meantime I have met other people and am having a good time with the single life. The issues with her are the only part of my life that I feel are causing stress.

 

I feel bad because it's such a struggle for her.

 

Has anyone gotten back together and then realized is was a good choice? A bad choice?

[PWSX3]

Changes have to be made before you get back together, it is very easy to fall back into the old rutt.....

 

Why did you separate in the first place? That is something you have to look at & don't get back together just for the kids.

 

In my situation we were separated for 7 months, in that time I feel I bettered myself, the stbxw stayed the same.

 

She says she wants someone to treat her like she is number one, but when I did that she didn't notice, she still looked at all the bad things.

 

It is very hard, there are some good christian programs out there that I feel are good, in my opinon that is the best choice to getting back together.

[ilmw]

I agree with PW

 

Sincere changes have to be made by both parities involved. Without those changes... Like PW said... you will fall back into the same behaviour that caused the original separation in the first place.... which would really suck!

 

Another thing that you can think about is this.... If you were with your spouse.... right now.. and had not separated... would you really be happy?

 

I was asked this question about 2 weeks ago... I originally answered.... Yes. Now having thought about it a few times.... I think my answer is.... Umm.. maybe not?? I would have been OK... but happy? Hmmmm??

 

Although I really did love my ex wife.... often times she frustrated the heck out of me....

 

Just something else to think about.

 

ilmw

[hopefulInFuture]

I agree with others. I think you must consider this seriously. You have to first work on yourself and your happiness. Think about where you are right now and where you really want to be. Think about what you were missing from your marriage. This about how much you are ready to give up in order to make your family whole again. once you thought of all these things, you may still decide to give your relationship one more chance. Sometimes it allows you to feel better that you did not give up. But you also should be ready to walk away if it makes you unhappy. I find it that because you walked away or survived the first time does not mean it would hurt less the next time so it would be easier. it may actually get toucher when you see that the other person is working hard to make things work but it's just not sufficient to make you happy. Remember that you can still be good parents even if you aren't together.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think it is incredibly insensitive for a spouse to stress the other's financial capability to remain in a child's life knowing that they have to absorb child support requirements but also, travel accomodations because the custodial parent chose to uproot and move out of state. I am flummoxed as to how you accepted this decision knowing the financial ramifications to this accomodation? I'd strongly suggest that you speak with her about the stress this particular constraint is causing in your life so that she realizes the enormity of the impact and stupidity of moving your child so far away has negatively affected your ability to cope! You need to resolve your reconcilliation plans one step at a time by making this the first step at relieving stress on your part before looking at the next step of your relationship's recovery.

[TrustInYourself]

Changes have to be made before you get back together, it is very easy to fall back into the old rutt.....

 

Why did you separate in the first place? That is something you have to look at & don't get back together just for the kids.

 

In my situation we were separated for 7 months, in that time I feel I bettered myself, the stbxw stayed the same.

 

She says she wants someone to treat her like she is number one, but when I did that she didn't notice, she still looked at all the bad things.

 

It is very hard, there are some good christian programs out there that I feel are good, in my opinon that is the best choice to getting back together.

 

If you can say that you changed and make a judgement about her not changing than you did not change enough. Casting blame is going to get you where?

[TrustInYourself]

My wife and I have separated and she now lives in another state with our son. She just moved out of state a month ago even though we've been separated for months.

 

I miss him terribly and think that maybe we can be good parents for him if we got back together. She has said that she will do anything in order to repair our marriage and get back what was lost. She feels like she made a huge mistake. She is also having a hard time adjusting on her own and still contacts me regarding little things that she needs help with.

 

I am struggling to get by financially because I have to cover child support along with paying for plane visits to him, but I'm hoping this will pass and I'll get used to counting pennies.

 

She seems very sincere in wanting to get back together and that things will change, but I'm not so sure that they will.

 

In the meantime I have met other people and am having a good time with the single life. The issues with her are the only part of my life that I feel are causing stress.

 

I feel bad because it's such a struggle for her.

 

Has anyone gotten back together and then realized is was a good choice? A bad choice?

 

Reason for the separation? If she's struggling, why is she making this decision. Her words tell you one thing, but her actions indicate something entirely different.

 

Your actions are not saying let's get back together if you're out partying. I think you are content with the status quo in regards to your relationship with your wife.

 

The only problem here is the fact that you miss your son. What does that tell you about your situation and the relationship you have with your wife.

 

I'm going off what you presented to me, which is vague. Let me know if I am off kilter here.

 

And that nonsense about both people changing. Not true at all. You are the catalyst. You change and the entire dynamic changes. Does that mean you can be happy? Maybe. Is that going to solve your marital problems? Depends.

 

Thoughts?

[PWSX3]

If you can say that you changed and make a judgement about her not changing than you did not change enough. Casting blame is going to get you where?

I have to agree, that is why I am still doing IC & started going to a mens group at church.

 

My counselor has told me more then one time that if me & the stbxw would want to get back together, that I could think about that in a year or so after I get myself straight,

 

so it takes time...

[TrustInYourself]

I have to agree, that is why I am still doing IC & started going to a mens group at church.

 

My counselor has told me more then one time that if me & the stbxw would want to get back together, that I could think about that in a year or so after I get myself straight,

 

so it takes time...

 

PWSX3, I think we all are still growing. We're all imperfect.

 

It's hard to change and be better each and everyday, but I think if you are willing, anything can happen. Best of luck man!

[Valdar]

I agree with PW

 

Another thing that you can think about is this.... If you were with your spouse.... right now.. and had not separated... would you really be happy?

 

 

That's a question that I always ask myself and I don't think I would really be happy. I'd be ok, but not truly happy. I'd always be thinking that she could want to leave again at any moment.

 

When we were going through the separation she was very mean to me and said a lot of hurtful things which only sped me up in going through the separation and moving on. But now that her attitude has changed and I can see she is really hurt it makes me consider getting back together.

[Valdar]

Reason for the separation? If she's struggling, why is she making this decision. Her words tell you one thing, but her actions indicate something entirely different.

 

Your actions are not saying let's get back together if you're out partying. I think you are content with the status quo in regards to your relationship with your wife.

 

The only problem here is the fact that you miss your son. What does that tell you about your situation and the relationship you have with your wife.

 

I'm going off what you presented to me, which is vague. Let me know if I am off kilter here.

 

And that nonsense about both people changing. Not true at all. You are the catalyst. You change and the entire dynamic changes. Does that mean you can be happy? Maybe. Is that going to solve your marital problems? Depends.

 

Thoughts?

 

Reason for the separation is that she felt like I wasn't being a good husband. I was a good provider and tried to show her that I cared, but I couldn't do it in the way she wanted. She said she wanted out, I tried very hard for a few weeks to make things better and she said I was smothering her and being too controlling. So I left her totally alone and got on with my life...that's just how my personality is.

 

I may not have been a good husband, I'm still undecided about that. But all of my friends, family, and coworkers are shocked that she wanted to leave. Everyone predicted that it would be the worst decision of her life and they felt bad for her and the struggles she'll have to go through because of her decision.

 

The financial stress will subside, I was kind of extravagant before so it's time to reel that in. She doesn't work (never did after we met) so my child support payment is as high as it can be and I try to give extra if I have any to make things easier.

 

I agreed to her leaving the state because she would be more stable around her friends and family, rather than being all alone where I live. I have no family here either, but I can cope with that easier.

 

One thing I didn't mention is that she is bi-polar type II (not the really extreme type I). And she was taking some medication that she thinks may have affected her judgement just prior to the separation.

[Valdar]

PWSX3, I think we all are still growing. We're all imperfect.

 

It's hard to change and be better each and everyday, but I think if you are willing, anything can happen. Best of luck man!

 

My counselor told me pretty much the same thing. That I shouldn't make any decisions regarding getting back together until she (the counselor) thinks it's ok. So right now I'm aiming until after the Holidays to make a decision because this time of year can be tough for our type of situation.

 

I'll be playing a lot of Linkin Park's "My December" this Christmas....

 

One thing that I used to help cope with my situation was a book called "How to Succeed with Women". The premise of the book is pretty demeaning (how to get women to sleep with you), but it shows you what women are looking for in a man and how it's different from what they think they want.

 

The book isn't as bad as you might think and it can make you feel a lot better about yourself if you're wondering "will anyone ever love me again?"

 

Applying what the book teaches you definitely boosts your confidence in relationships and turns flirting and socially interacting with women into a fun game.

 

Anyway, kind of got off topic there...

[cashley]

Hmmm people CAN change, I believe so anyway...I think I have.

 

I left my X, while depressed ect...

 

I have since been diagnosed with ADD, and im taking medication..and im a different person. Now im all balanced chemically, I can see how impulsive, and how sketchy I was before..Id also get depressed, and easily anger.

 

So yeah, changes ARE possible..

 

Besides 'those' changes, I think the impact of separation, can force us to look deep inside, to understand how and why things went wrong.

 

Goodluck

[TrustInYourself]

My counselor told me pretty much the same thing. That I shouldn't make any decisions regarding getting back together until she (the counselor) thinks it's ok. So right now I'm aiming until after the Holidays to make a decision because this time of year can be tough for our type of situation.

 

I'll be playing a lot of Linkin Park's "My December" this Christmas....

 

One thing that I used to help cope with my situation was a book called "How to Succeed with Women". The premise of the book is pretty demeaning (how to get women to sleep with you), but it shows you what women are looking for in a man and how it's different from what they think they want.

 

The book isn't as bad as you might think and it can make you feel a lot better about yourself if you're wondering "will anyone ever love me again?"

 

Applying what the book teaches you definitely boosts your confidence in relationships and turns flirting and socially interacting with women into a fun game.

 

Anyway, kind of got off topic there...

 

Something you need to remember as well is you can't support your wife's indiscretion. There has to be consequences for her. Of course you want to support your child, but there is a very fine line.

 

I read the same books. They're interesting. Human nature is good to understand. Good luck.

[Valdar]

Just an update. I stay at her place and use her car when I visit my son to cut down on costs, which lets me visit more often. She stays at her parents place so we don't see each other. I'm here this weekend.

 

We talked on the phone today because I found a condom wrapper in the hallway while cleaning her place (was very messy and I wanted to help her out). I wanted to make sure my son wasn't being introduced to any strangers, she says that he isn't and that whoever she is sleeping with is not someone she is dating or serious about.

 

I think she's trying to make herself feel better by sleeping with people, which only concerns me in a long term way for my son, not really in any jealous way since I went through the heartache already when we first got separated. It's surprising to me because I was her first and she took the fact that she only slept with one person very seriously.

 

So is this a woman's way of coping with a divorce? She said she's devastated and tries to put the blame on me for things, but after finding proof she's sleeping around, I have little sympathy left. Especially since she wanted to leave the marriage and put me through hell during the separation.

 

I'm thinking that when she calls me to get back together it's because she's been rejected by some guy and wants me to comfort her.

 

So we won't be getting back together. I won't be helping her with things anymore (helping her with school work, house stuff, etc.), and will only communicate for my son.

[Valdar]

If you've read this far, am I an ******* for demanding the following things for us to get back together? This list doesn't matter anymore since we won't...but I'm curious.

 

* She lets me see everything she does, IMs, e-mails, phone calls, etc until I can trust her again.

* She stops talking to her ex-boyfriend.

* She stops talking to any of her friends that encouraged her to leave me (which is all of them).

* She tells her friends that they are the ones that messed things up for her. They took her out to bars with them to meet guys and put the idea in her head that leaving me will make me want her more and improve our marriage. (That backfired horribly for her)

* She must complete school (at least a 2 year degree).

* She must have her own career.

* She admits that she screwed up and it's her fault for this situation and explains that to her friends and family.

[Fearful Wife]

It's surprising to me because I was her first and she took the fact that she only slept with one person very seriously.

 

So is this a woman's way of coping with a divorce? She said she's devastated and tries to put the blame on me for things, but after finding proof she's sleeping around, I have little sympathy left.

 

Valdar, since you have moved on and are dating, it shouldn't come as a surprise that she is doing the same, or that she is finally exploring sexually.

 

It does seem incongruous for her to sleep with other people and ask to get back together with you, but maybe she is trying to get in all the experience she missed out on before re-committing to you.

 

About your conditions for getting back together, even if you were right about what's best for her, it will never work to control her in this way. Even if she agrees, she will eventually want to rebel. Nobody likes being told what to do to that extent. What is that quote about holding loosely to the things we love?

[pelicanpreacher]

Ya think long ya think wrong! Your first inclination to wash your hands of her was the right one. You'll find out after you've attempted this rejioinment that the woman you accepted back is no longer the woman you married. So, the question that begs is can you marry the stranger reflected in your eyes?