I have to practice serious self control not to call, text message, or email him.

[electricshores]

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I got home from a week-long family visitation 1100 miles away. I live(d) with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. Things were ok. We definitely love eachother (still do, but realize thats not enough[i guess?]) I waited for him to come home and fell asleep. He came home woke me up and squeezed my hand. He had that look in his eye. He said we needed to talk. I freaked out, he didnt even have to say it. I knew it was over. I asked him if he had been cheating and he promised that he wasnt. I freaked out more, the usual. It was my first serious relationship. I called my friends, they came over, he and i talked, both crying and said our farewells. He said that he knew he'd regret breaking up with me. I left that night, feeling like my life had been destroyed. Yesterday, i went and got my things. i broke down being in the apartment by myself. it was so hard. Today is a little better. I still miss him so much. I have to practice serious self control not to call, text message, or email him. I think knowing that he loves me still and i love him and always will makes it so much worse. But its not like i can make myself drop that.

 

Someone help me please, tell me it will get better, tell me how to act. I've never gone through this before. I'm 21 and have to move 1100 miles away back with my parents - leaving my friends and job because i cant afford (and dont want to) live on my own. [staying here is not an option] I'll never see him again. I am just destroyed.

[quankanne]

2sides has posted what I think is a good thread below, also about coping, read it and see what you are able to take away from it, then apply it to your situation.

 

As for your broken heart, I think many of us on this site are living proof that broken hearts mend, and that you do come away from a hurtful situation a bit wiser and a lot stronger ...

 

Long, long ago, when I was a college coed, I fell in love big time. I thought the world revolved around this particular guy, and I thought he cared about me, too. Until he told me that his girlfriend was leaving her husband and they were moving in together! Talk about my world falling apart. It was pretty rough, because I'd convinced myself He Was The One For Me. About this same time I was going through this painful period, I met a guy through my job and we became friends. And a couple of years later we seriously began dating for about a 4-month period while he was working in Texas. When his contract was up and he returned to Florida, our relationship just kind of disappeared because he was just awful at writing, but I know I loved him like no other. But the funny thing was, even though I missed him and was hurt that he didn't bother to stay in communications, and I was frustrated as all get-out, it was okay, because I realized I had survived a broken heart before, and I would again.

 

I think what I've learned from all of this is that love is sort of an exercise in growing your heart bigger: that if when you love someone and willingly accept the heartaches that come along with it, you really don't lose in the end ... the pay-off is that you realize that you HAVE a capicity to love, and NO ONE can take that away from you if a relationship ends.

 

You'll survive, simply because you are built to be a survivor, and you're going to find more love, simply because it's out there. You'll just need to convince yourself to take a chance on it.

 

good luck,

quank

[sunnie23]

hey sweetie,

 

my heart goes out to you. i've been in your situation and regrettably there's really nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. time will heal this though, and like quack said, you'll be stronger and wiser from it.

 

look to your friends to fill the void of your ex. make sure you grieve and get proper closure so you won't bring any baggage into your next relationship. keep in mind that this is a two steps forward, one step back process, and just because you feel horrible one day doesn't mean you won't feel better the next.

 

you will love again. you will experience love again. no matter how good things seem with a person, there is always something better out there. it'll find you when your ready for it.

 

keep yourself busy and do the things you love to do. it'll get better, i promise.

 

sarah

[electricshores]

I am so touched that you two wrote to me with such sincerity and depth. And its totally true, all of it. I know in my head that i will get over it, but my heart doesnt know it yet. Not to mention that waiting is the worst part. I am trying to let myself grieve, yet i am so tired of crying.

 

I need to overcome my old routine. The expectation of going home and snuggling up, the smell of his cologne, cooking dinner together, watching tv - still hits me at 4:45 when i'm getting ready to leave work. BUT it is only 2 days [not even] since we fell apart. And the comforting thoughts i have now are spawned thanks to people like yourselves and my dear friends. They tell me that i was the best girlfriend anyone could hope for and that i was not at fault. They tell me that from here on out it's MY time, and i must focus on my personal needs.

 

Frankly, i'm really excited. As wrong as that sounds, and as wrong as i feel for saying it so soon. [i am bawling as i sit here, so believe me i have not made it just yet.] I have so many goals and new things to look foward to-but the only pathway to those things is my grieving time and self-healing.

 

I thank you again, and if anyone wants to respond, i would love it. I need all the encouragement i can get!

[sunnie23]

it's not wrong to feel excited! you have so much ahead of you, first dates, first kisses, the wooing stage...you should be excited!

 

please don't feel wrong or bad. and i bet you were a great girlfriend. sometimes these things just don't work out.

 

sarah

[quankanne]

nope, there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing this as an opportunity, rather than a tragedy. Yes, you're going to be sad, and you're going to miss him, but the only way to get over grieving the breakup of your relationship is to go through it, not try a short-cut out of it.

 

this is your time to shine, girl, and to find out more about yourself -- what are YOUR needs, YOUR likes? Is there something you've always wanted to do, but felt that if you did it you'd be taking time away from your SO? Now's the time to try it -- there are so many neat things out there just waiting to be experienced, and the best part of it is, they're just right for this period of grieving you're going through.

 

Eventually, things will start to feel "right" again, and you'll mend. in the meantime, make this time alone a time for empowering yourself (damn, I sound like one of those obnoxious presenters, don't I?) and for enjoying your solitude.

 

As for the tears, think of them as some force of catharsis, of cleansing, that they are positive even if something sad happened for you to get to this state...

[electricshores]

I'm leaving work now, and its getting dismal. All I can think about is what hes doing right now and if he feels as sad as i do. BUT-i'm going home to my friends instead of him, and knowing that they'll never break up with me [right?] makes me feel a little more peaceful.

 

I'll post an update first thing in the morning.

 

XOXO

[electricshores]

Well, its 9/3 and i'm up and going. This morning wasnt so hard, i got up, got dressed and walked to work. Its such a beautiful day-really inspiring.

 

I get sparatic heart-clamping/tear spurts, when I am alone and start to zone out. I try not to let that happen too much.

 

I think i might be in denial. I really hope not, because i want to get the grieving over-with.

[quankanne]

the grieving process takes time, and that varies from person to person. If the crying jags bother you, look at them from this view point: You've gotten it behind you for the time being. That's one less tear-session you've got ahead of you, and you're on the road to healing.

 

I won't say you won't be sad from time to time, long after you've gotten through this, but I will tell you that because your perspective will have changed, the pain will have lessened. So don't drive yourself nuts thinking about it, but just get it out of your system and remember there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it doesn't seem to be in your line of sight right now.

 

has this helped any? I hope so. If not, go look for Ryan's picture on this forum, it's definitely eye-candy...

[electricshores]

You have no idea how much you have helped me, its so nice to hear genuine advice and experience. I'll definitely look for Ryans picture, hahaha.

 

xoxo.

 

Speak to ya soon i'm sure

[quankanne]

hmmmm, I wonder if we could rig up something to where the lips on Ryan's mouth move but Tony's voice comes out? From what the other gals say, Tony's got a great voice ... no offense to Ryan of the Gorgeous Hair!

[electricshores]

I'm losing my self control/mind, i wanna talk to him so bad. More like i want him to miss me... Sigh

[sunnie23]

hunney, unless your ex is a robot, he is missing you. chances are he's going through the exact same pain you are. breaking up with someone is just as hard when you instigate it. not only do you experience the pain and grief of losing the relationship, but as well you must deal with possibly second guessing your decision, the guilt the comes from hurting someone, as well as many other emotions.

 

 

hang in there, you are going to be fine. get yourself out, go for coffee and chat up a friend.

[electricshores]

Such good advice. I think i will take it, and go get coffee later. I am going to go for a run first. I wanna get into shape so i can start that "living for me" thing.

 

I guess after 3 years of him being the first person i ran to whenever i was sad, happy, excited, or depressed-and now i cant is whats killing me. My heart thinks that a hug from him would make it all better, but that cant happen and i know i dont want that to happen.

 

Its a long road to recovery gals.

 

I'm tryin.

 

love

 

'lectric

[sunnie23]

you don't need a hug from him you get one from me

 

*big hug*

 

-sarah

[electridshores]

My friend who i am staying with brought me flowers and gives me hugs everytime i see her. It's heart-warming. Everynight since sunday has felt like a slumber party, we stay up chatting and laughing like fools. Thats so helpful.

 

 

I cant say it enough-the encouragement i have gotten from the wonderful people who have responded to my thoughts on here has be more than wonderful. It brings me back to reality and the knowledge that all is A-OK.

 

XOX

 

'lectric

[electricshores]

So i was out the other night and saw him with someone else. Hurt more than you know, but i guess its good closure. What an a88hole.

[goo634]

Hello,

I've actually come upon your message while looking up "recovering steps to a break up. I know exactly what your going through. The funny thing is that your story is soooo simular to mine.

I went home to visit my parent at the start of the summer, things we're ok (we did fight alot, but I still thought things were ok, and it was just a part of our relationship).In the middle of my vacation I had taken time to go to a concert with him in Toronto. Everything went well except on our way home. we had fought (and I can't even remember what about) and dropped him off home and I headed out to my parents house (which is about 6 hrs difference) and a few days later I called him. Well, little did I know, he was thinking about our relationship and how it was going and all that fun stuff since I dropped him off. ]

Well, that night he ended breaking up with me (something that I thought he would never ever do). I was soooo devastated and so far away, i couldn't beleive what I was hearing. And to think I had to go back there!! all by myself. I moved there to be with him! I couldn't beleive it. I only had a few friends back there and i didn't necessarly like my job. I couldn't beleive I was leaving home , where all my family and friends lived , to go back to that city where everything would remind me of him!

But, I did it! I can't beleive that I did. Now it's been about 1 month of our break up and I must say that time and self-help is the only healer! I don't know how long it's been for you but I'm sure your discovering the same thing! Don't get me wrong , I still have that feeling in the bottom of my stomac that makes me sick everytime I think of him! And I do call him and hang up right away. I think that's just normal.

But let me tell you that this has been the ultimate test for me. I am in a strange town, with a few friends and family sooo far away. But i'm getting through it, slowly but surely!

I also experienced the "other girl" thing and there is nothing worst. But it will just make you a better and stronger person. Just keep your cool and you'll end up being the better person in this situation. I know it worked for me and I know it's hard. very very very hard. Not even imaginable.

But now that I think back, I know that it is a good thing. I realized that my life had been on hold all these years (3 yrs to be exact) and that I had stopped doing all the things that I really enjoyed and that all my attention went to him. I even stopped talking to some of my friends because of this. Not intentionaly. I am sure that your discovering this also. Maybe not the same things but your probably realizing that some things are different and that it's a good thing.

Anyways, i'm not sure if you still check this but I hope that your feeling better and realize that things happen for a reason. Keep telling yourself this: Things happen for a reason and whatever will be, will be.

You'll be fine, it will make you a stronger person! Good luck. And if you have any advice for me, I would really appreciate it also.

[iceprincess]

Hi, there, sweetheart, your thread brought back so many emotions and memories.....you sound like a strong girl with a good head on those set of shoulders. The first couple of weeks are the hardest, trust me, I know.

 

Distract yourself even when you feel like curling up into a ball because you hurt so much. Make yourself listen to "happy" music. Go jogging; excercising will help make you feel better...you'll feel rejuvenated and much, much better afterwards.

 

Go out on dates. You don't have to hook up with anyone, but it's nice to laugh, or talk with someone else about fun things. Tell yourself you are a great person, you will survive and you will love again. Don't shut yourself to the world, you will just hurt yourself more. I wish you the best of luck.

 

iceprincess

[electricshores]

The last two days, my steam is building, i kinda want to just flip out-on him especially. I just have to keep telling myself that i am better off not even thinking about it. Kicking love is like kicking any bad habit. The first few weeks are the worst.

 

Am I obsessive?

 

I feel like it.

 

Goo... Its AMAZING how alike our stories are. Shame youre in Canada 'cos we could totally hang out and be bitter-brooders.

If you have been able to not talk to him or think about him or hate him then youre doing better than me, but its SO hard!

 

As much as i like it here, i know i have a new life ahead of me back home, and i can be whatever i want/need. I am going to be that positive change for myself, cos damnit its about time.

 

Ice-youre right-on with your suggestions. I noticed that excersise DEFINITELY helps. Not to mention, i've lost quite a bit of weight since we broke it off. I'd like to start dating, but going out with friends is fine for now, i cant become attached before i move... haha. But i plan on meeting new people when i go back to school and at my new jopb, etc... That in itself is amazing.

 

Love you all

'lectric

[goo634]

Hi there!

Your definetly going through the anger stage... I was there and it dosen't last that long. Just keep yourself thinking positive as you doing. Remember though, that you'll have your ups and downs. I find myself feeling really great one day and the next totally depressed. But that's normal and I don't beat myself up for it. I just pick myself up and do something positive and I find it help.

No matter how much I want to call my ex. I make myself not do it. And beleive me your not Neurotic, your feelings are absolutely normal, Iv'e gone through and so have many of my friends. I feel like calling my ex EVERY SINGLE DAY but If I called him it would make me more upset than I am. So, I just don't call. (i know it's easier said than done)Everytime I think of it, i distract myself.. call a friend , read, I do anything to distract myself. It's really really hard, but even if I called and he was nice, just his voice would make me upset. I try to think of that. I'm actually starting to enjoy the time by myself.. i'm starting to do all things that were put on hold while I was in a relationship. I stopped growing when I was with him. The the only road to self appreciation is: you.

I also found exercising really helps. Good way to distract yourself also. And a great way to up your self asteem.

We're beautiful, strong and intelligent women and we can get through this!!! You seem like you have a good support sytem , as i do. Don't you find that helps? I find that friends are the best when going through this.

Before you know it everything will start to feel right again and someone else will make you even happier than your ex. Think of how you felt the first day this happend and think of where you are now.. your making progress and it will just keep getting better as time goes by and as you start accepting it.

Take care!

[goo634]

one more thing. I don't know if your religious or not.. I am a bit. but i find this helps, one of my best friend sent it to me.. enjoy:

 

IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT

[NatoPMT]

i was reading that thread from the beginning for the first time willing everything to turn out for you Lectric, and i cried when you posted that he was with someone else. i am so sorry for you - i was hoping to read one story on here where it works out ok, but it just aint going to happen is it? i am going to go through everything you are going through and i dont know ifi can be as strong as you are i am going through the not-changing-sheets-wanting-to-hear-his-voice-but-cant-bear-to-look-at-his-photos-stage.

 

my stupid boyfriend is moving to Philadelphia from london - flight Tuesday 12.10pm GMT

 

you'll have to tell me when you see him out with someone else so at least i will know.

 

i dont know how i can do this. i have never felt this hurt before, and i really took to heart the post that said next time it happens it wont hurt as much because we know what to expect - THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN THOUGH??? nooooo i'm 32 and feel 6 years old and like my mum has forgotten me and left me in the car. how can i live without him.

[electricshores]

So... last night was really eye-opening.

 

I spent about 3 hours with a very dear friend. We went out and had a few drinks and then went to her house-she gave me a tarot card reading (which isnt really my bag) But it was the MOST AMAZING reading i've ever had.

The questions i thought about while i shuffeled her cards were: "What will become of me, will I ever love again?" One card in particular-pertaining to my distant past said that i've been living in gloom and sorrow. Then there was one pertaining to recent past, and it was something about new hopes, and dreams being realized. The one which is supposed to show my near future said something about spring time is here and flowers are starting to push up.

 

Now even though i dont totally take witchcraft seriously, WOW. It felt good to have someone else there thinking that magic is the whole world; in otherwords, she truely believed things really are going to turn out ok for me and my future.

 

***BigBelm***:

This same friend also gave me some gems of advice that i think may relate to your sufferiing.... I asked her (because i've been a little depressed yesterday and the day before) if i should bother falling in love again-because i'd rather stay single my WHOLE life than go through the weeks of agonizing pain again. She told me that of course I should, and that its never GOING to be the same, she then noted how sad that itself is. But Big-what we feel now wiiiiiiiiiillll go away. then, we'll be left with the residual anger for a while... and then..... then we'll be living for ourselves, completely.

 

And who knows the next person you or I fall in love with might be the one... so why would we abstain from the opportunity of something everlasting?

There is no "strength-o-meter" in the world of break-ups. I'm not stronger than you, youre not stronger than me. You obviously have an attachment with someone - as did I. Your circumstances are completely different, your love was different, your history and timeline together was unique.

 

Big, everything will be a-ok. You know it. Everyone i know helped me grieve. and thats what you have to do. I kept saying "I just want to be OVER him already!" - but i had to let it happen... and that wasnt fun. It really sucks doing that waiting. but do it. If you dont, you'll do it later-and it will be painful.

 

Youre strong, baby. If i can get through this, anyone can.

 

Talk to you soon,

'Lectric

[moimeme]

It's not that it gets easier each time so much as after the first time, you know that you will eventually heal and you know that there are a bunch of things you have to go through first. Heck, one loss of a love left me curled up on a couch, numb, for three weeks. You find out that you can go through an immense amount of pain and still survive. In a way, that's a gift in itself.