JackJack Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I was wondering what others might think if their spouse were to up and say this to them. This is something that is actually really going on in my family, (not with me and my wife), but another family member and I just wanted to see what others might think. What would you think if your spouse one day just ups and says they are leaving/moving out for a bit, need time to think, not sure what they want anymore and then says the reason is because their past is catching up with them. Now, I understand some will say it depends on what they mean by their past catching up with them, and I agree. However, reguardless of what it may or may not mean, do you feel this is just an excuse to leave? Or maybe they have recently done something and they are just saying their "past". To me, its just odd they would use that to leave their spouse and kids. My first thought is maybe they would have someone else, but I might be wrong. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
DealingWDrama Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I think there is someone else...I say let the spouse go...time will show what has happened or hasn't happened...OR it could be a midlife crisis ordeal...who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 Either someone else is in the picture or they have done something really wrong legally. I thnk it's time for some detective work. Go through cell bills, put a keylogger on your computer, put a voice activated recorder in their car. Usually when someone gives a broad reason it's because they are hiding something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 Either someone else is in the picture or they have done something really wrong legally. I thnk it's time for some detective work. Go through cell bills, put a keylogger on your computer, put a voice activated recorder in their car. Usually when someone gives a broad reason it's because they are hiding something. True. It is my wifes sister and her husband, so my sister in law and brother in law. Anyway, he has always been a bit of a "shady" character IMO. We have always gotten along though etc. He is one of these people that lies and exxagerates things big time. Its real hard to believe what he says because you never ever know if its the truth or not. He has never bad mouthed my sister in law or anything when he has been around us. If anything its nothing but praise about her. Shes a good wife/mother. A hard worker, and that their marriage is great! Must not be, but anyway. My wife talked to her sister just about 2 days ago, and asked her when her husband was coming back in town. Thats another thing that recently happened, he got a new job that requires him to be out of town and travel quite a bit. Leaving her with a 8 year old, a 5 year old and 3 year old quite alot, and she works as well. She just broke down on the phone and told her that her husband wasn't there, and that he told her he needed time away for awhile to get his head straight about things and that his past was catching up with him. So it wasn't a mutual agreement. He is staying at his dads. The kids think he is away alot on business (which he is at times) but comes over to visit them and even stays the night so the kids wont think anything is wrong and he sleeps on the couch, only to get up the next day kiss the kids good-bye before school and leaves for work. She told my wife, she didn't know anything right now other than he kept saying his past caught up with him. She is my wifes baby sister. Her and her husband are 28, got married at 19 had their first kid at 20, and here they are 3 kids later. I'm wonderng if maybe that is part of it by saying his past catching up with him. Maybe he figures he got married and had kids young and missed out on some stuff, who knows. Its still not an excuse I guess. If I were her, I would ask him to eleborate on "his past catching up with him." He owes her that, after he just ups and says what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 JMO, but it sounds like there might be someone else, because he just suddenly tells her this out of the blue right? Of course they could have been having problems that no one else knew about that lead up to him telling her this too. There is always more to a story than what is being told. So she is ok with him staying there, coming and going for the kids sake. How long is she planning on letting him do this? I understand she doesn't want the kids to know right now, but seems like a charade. if he is staying at his dad's house, then thats where he needs to stay. he is back and forth between his dads, his own home and his out of town job? Sounds like alot to keep up with. If he is a liar and no one can believe a word he says, she shouldn't be with him anyway IMO. Yes, he does owe her a better explanation than what he is providing. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I'm a firm believer that things like this don't just happen over night. You must be disconnected from one another if one partner has no idea that the other is going through something so drastic and if the other one doesn't bring up their feelings and issues before sh*t hits the fan. So, I don't know what I would personally think, I guess I would be sad that we drifted apart so much that it came to this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Maybe he has a double life? Or he has another child out there, and the kid found him? Tell her to hire a PI. Get to the bottomline of this since he isn't going to go into details about his past and whatever it is that's caught up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 JackJack, is your relationship with him such that you could call him "man to man" and try to find out what's going on? He must know that his wife is devastated over this and the mysterious nature of the whole thing is an added burden on her. Perhaps if you talk to him in a non-judgemental way he'll open up to you and some communication can occur. Just a thought... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Thanks for the replies. Mr. Lucky that is a good idea. I have pretty much always gotten along with him when we have been around him at family gatherings etc. However, I'm not sure if he would open up or not, no matter how I presented things. I guess it would be worth a shot, but personally I would like to stay out of it as much as I can, I know its my wifes sister and husband, but I try not to get to involved in family affairs so to speak. I guess I could at least invite him out for a beer or something and see if he would talk some. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 It doesn't sound like he's going to open upto you or anyone else. So by asking him questions good chance you will just get more lies, like you said he does alot of. I think at this point a PI might be in order. They are not cheap but at least she will get the truth. His wife needs to start protecting herself, make sure the checking account is in her name only. The shady guys are always the nicest ones. Reminds me of my friend's bf. He was always nice to me, one on one and never bad mouthed her. However I caught him in a few lies and got this instinct there wasn't something quite right about him. Long story short, he was cheating on her and was a 'player' in the true sense of the word. Good chance he's not staying at his dads. Perhaps you might want to do some detective work yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Well this is why I'm kind of leary about talking to him. I hate calling people liars, but the truth is, he is. Its kind of like the boy who cried woof, he does it so much when something truely is wrong or going on, you never know what to believe. Even when he doesn't lie he exaggerates things, everything has to be amplified for him. Its sad, for the kids, but I think even they know something is up. My wife is taking her sister and kids out tomorrow for lunch and to hang out, go shopping etc. All her sister does is go to work and come home, it will be good for her to get out some. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 If you choose to talk to him or not is up to you, but if it were me, I wouldn't. If you were best buds or something it might be different, but I only got from your posts that you got along with him when you all were around him. Plus is he lies like you say, whose to say he wouldn't lie about something you said or didn't say, then you would be all in their mess, when really you shouldn't have to be. When he says his past was catching up with him, that could mean anything from years ago to something that happened last week or a month ago, that's considered in the past too. Kind of ironic that he just started a job that requires him to be out of town alot and now all of a sudden he needs time away from his wife and kids. Then again maybe its just coinsidental. As for the orginal question, "What would you think?" I would probably think he is doing something he shouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Past = old lover (IMO) OP, personally, I'd stay out of it, other than to provide your SIL with suggestions on getting legal advice. The good thing is he's out. Depending on how long, it could put some teeth in her dealing with him. Unless she lives in an at-fault state, he could be banging anyone and it would matter diddly to a judge. Best way to deal with someone who leaves is to make them completely notified of their responsibilities Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I also agree that you should stay out of this but recommend legal advice and a PI, if she can afford it. She has to protect the kids, if she doesn't care about protecting herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 One thing I do know is, she told my wife that he is placing ALL blame on himself. He told her he was fully to blame for how he things. She tired to tell him it takes two in a marriage and that if she had ever done or said anything to make him feel the way he does, to let her know and she would share in the blame. He told her, it wasn't her fault it was his and he would take the blame for all things. That's all I know at this point when my sister in law talked to my wife. All blame for what, I don't know. I guess his actions, whatever that might be. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Nothing more attractive than a guy who falls on an invisible sword Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 What does he do for a living? Maybe he embezzeled some money from his employer and he now knows they're onto him. Its possible I suppose. He worked for a mulch/landscaping company. Had been there a few years. However about 2-3 months ago he lost his job there. He told friends and family that since the was low man on the totem pole they let him go, due to not doing enough business, plus they were planning on closing due to lack of business. Come to think of it, I never remembered him saying anyone else was let go. Although they might have been. Here it is a few months later and the place is still in business. He wasn't even out of work 2 weeks before he got this other job landscaping/mulch company again, that is based a few hours away but he does work here and some things out of town. He is the guy that gets the sales and drums up business for the company. So it could have something to do with his last job, not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 The worse part is, most all of his stories are fishy. There is always something in whatever he tells that sounds a little odd or off. What a sad way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
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