Staying for the Kids?

[OWoman]

Mino...the other part of it is this...the longer the OP stays...and stays in NC with the OW...the higher the probability that the marriage really can recover from the affair.

 

Stop and see the "bigger picture" for a moment...this sets the stage to give the marriage a CHANCE to recover.

 

If he left...that negates the CHANCE.

 

If he stays...he can always leave later if it DOESN'T recover.

 

Meantime the kids lose their chance of a happy childhood? BTDT. It sucked. I wished with all my heart they'd split, and they did - but only once it was too late for us kids.

[jwi71]

Meantime the kids lose their chance of a happy childhood? BTDT. It sucked. I wished with all my heart they'd split, and they did - but only once it was too late for us kids.

 

You missed one key part...put in a 100% effort at reconciliation.

 

If you "stay for the kids" and put that effort in "for the kids" then the M has a chance. However, if the WS stays "for the kids" and its business as usual - then you're right, no change and everyone suffers.

 

There must be a real effort. Its the effort not the motivation for the effort that counts.

[Owl]

You missed one key part...put in a 100% effort at reconciliation.

 

If you "stay for the kids" and put that effort in "for the kids" then the M has a chance. However, if the WS stays "for the kids" and its business as usual - then you're right, no change and everyone suffers.

 

There must be a real effort. Its the effort not the motivation for the effort that counts.

 

EXACTLY!!!!

 

If he stays...but then does NOT work to reconcile the marriage or the family...that's when you end up with everyone in a bad state again.

 

If he stays...not only does he need to stay...HE NEEDS TO UPHOLD HIS AGREEMENT TO WORK TO RECONCILE THE FAMILY AND THE MARRIAGE.

 

If he does this...and his wife does her part as well...the their family CAN recover and there's no reason to expect it to turn out as Owoman describes.

[frannie]

You missed one key part...put in a 100% effort at reconciliation.

 

If you "stay for the kids" and put that effort in "for the kids" then the M has a chance. However, if the WS stays "for the kids" and its business as usual - then you're right, no change and everyone suffers.

 

There must be a real effort. Its the effort not the motivation for the effort that counts.

 

But if you want to stay married 'for the kids' then isn't it a daunting uphill battle to get back anything with your spouse? I would have thought it would lead to something like resentment. Obviously I don't know, because I've never been there. But if your motivation is not love or a real desire for the other person, but essentially other circumstances (the desire to be near your kids), then how on earth do you go about this?

[OWoman]

EXACTLY!!!!

 

If he stays...but then does NOT work to reconcile the marriage or the family...that's when you end up with everyone in a bad state again.

 

If he stays...not only does he need to stay...HE NEEDS TO UPHOLD HIS AGREEMENT TO WORK TO RECONCILE THE FAMILY AND THE MARRIAGE.

 

If he does this...and his wife does her part as well...the their family CAN recover and there's no reason to expect it to turn out as Owoman describes.

 

Yes, if BOTH commit fully to this. But from what I've seen, in many cases either the WS is hedging his bets and making a go of it while keeping other options open in case it doesn't work out, or the BS is so thrilled he's stayed that that's enough for her and she reckons she's won, there's no need for any further effort on her part since she wasn't the CS... or both. (Mutatis mutandis for female CS and male BS).

 

I guess it requires both parties to be really certain, and really committed, at the outset, and both to banish all thoughts of "what if this doesn't work?" and to MAKE it work. But I can't personally say I've known anyone who had that level of certainty, at least not at the outset of reconciliation. And is that complete level of commitment really possible without it?

[Owl]

Here's the thing, Frannie.

 

If his wife does it RIGHT...there's little opportunity for resentment to come into play here.

 

IF she follows a proper "plan A" while he's home, even through his withdrawl and subsequent apathy...it all adds up.

 

Its darned hard to resent someone who's showing permanent changes to fix things. Iths hard to resent someone who IS now meeting your emotional needs...even if you didn't want to be there in the first place.

 

And its hard to keep a hold of that resentment when you see them doing so through the WORST possible devestation that they could have suffered...at your hands.

 

My wife had some of that 'resentment' for me when she ended up not going to live with OM. In the very beginning...oh yes...EVERYTHING was all my fault. I "ruined her life". She'd never forgive me for not letting her go...etc, etc, etc...

 

But she couldn't keep that anger and resentment up forever...not in the face of all that I was doing and had done.

 

Now...in the OP's case here...if EITHER of them fail to take the steps they need to...yes, you're right...it'll all fail. But its better to have tried and failed than to walk away and NOT have tried at all...they'll BOTH feel better for having given it a second chance.

 

As I've said...I'm over four years into a recovered marriage now.

 

My wife did NOT stay through any choice of her own, when it comes down to it. But she's made it very clear SINCE then that she's very, VERY glad she did stay.

[Owl]

Right now, the OP is by no means "committed" to making it work. He's still in withdrawl.

 

AFTER he gets through this stage, and begins dealing with the apathy that follows...THEN he'll need to be committed to working on things.

 

Right now...I doubt he has a clue what he really wants out of all of this...he's probably just hurting too much to know that answer himself at the moment.

 

So, "staying for the kids" IS acceptable...for now. But it won't be enough LATER.

[Confoozed]

Confoozed,

 

My mother had an affair. I hate her because she didn't work hard to save her marriage. Instead she went looking for happiness elsewhere but home. It was so convenient. Her OM gave her happiness. No need to work on her boring, unsatisfied marriage. A good marriage takes work. She didn't want that hard work.

 

Babymax, why did you end up hating your mother? Was it because she left? Was it because she went for an OM? Did it have anything to do with how she and your father handled the split?

 

My parents split up when I was a kid and it was ugly. As a result, I ended up hating my dad, too -- not because he left, but because my mom poisoned me against him and handled it all so very badly that life was hell for us kids. Had they both handled things more maturely and thought about us kids even a bit, things would have been far better. In the end, I regretted ever hating my dad and we fortunately did patch things up.

 

So, again, why did you hate her?

[jwi71]

But if you want to stay married 'for the kids' then isn't it a daunting uphill battle to get back anything with your spouse?

 

In a word...yes. And even if you stay "for the marriage" its a daunting uphill battle.

 

I would have thought it would lead to something like resentment. Obviously I don't know, because I've never been there. But if your motivation is not love or a real desire for the other person, but essentially other circumstances (the desire to be near your kids), then how on earth do you go about this?

 

Marriage is work and surviving an A is even more so. I can relate to this topic very well. And I suppose I'll answer by telling you what I did after my wife's A. Within 24 hours I had my lawyer draw up the papers, drug my wife to his office and we all signed. Yup, that fast. However, I stopped my lawyer from actually filing. We went to MC instead. Why?

 

I thought I saw some remorse and sadness in her face. Deer-in-headlights comes to mind. Then I thought of how this would affect my kids. Then I worried I was too hasty - acting in anger and desire for revenge. So my going to MC wasn't based on love for my W. Far from it. It was based on protecting my kids, not wanting to change and hope that I was reading her face. Hope for recovery. NOt wanting to do something stupid in anger. Certainly not love.

 

And wouldn't you know it - despite my intentions not being entirely about her, we are reconnecting. And its because we both work. We do the MC exercises. We talk. And as one "good act" is acknowledged and reciprocated - we find ourselves creating new behavior patterns. Sustained by mutual desire. Dang, these MC's are pretty smart

 

Effort by both. Commitment by both. Is what matters. Not the reason why.

 

My experience.

[signedin2008]

Confoosed, why are you ignoring my question?

[Reggie]

Meantime the kids lose their chance of a happy childhood? BTDT. It sucked. I wished with all my heart they'd split, and they did - but only once it was too late for us kids.

I don't advocate staying for the kids. But, I seriously doubt it would mess them up if he stayed, unless there is a load of overt hostility.

[pelicanpreacher]

It seems whenever someone on these forums questions the wisdom of leaving a W/H for an OW/OM, the answers invariably suggest such relationships almost never work out.

 

But I know from experience that they can. My own dad left my mom when I was a kid and ended up marrying a woman with whom he'd had an affair before I was born. And they lived very happily ever after until his death a few years ago.

 

Are there any stories out there where these things actually do work out? What's the secret? Dumb luck?

 

I opened a thread some time ago on this exact subject but got scant few responses. I believe you still carry dissociative dysfunctions from that trauma experienced as a child which prevents you from truly connecting or remaining committed to your marriage. By staying in the marriage until the children have grown and matured while making a concerted effort to demonstrate a loving relationship with your wife you will go a long way in breaking the cycle of this same dissociative behavior being repeated by the children when they enter adult relationships of their own.

 

In the meantime I'd suggest that you address your inner issues on this subject within therapy to balm the old wounds so that you don't end up wandering through relationships your remaining years without knowing how to establish a lasting connection.

[Confoozed]

Confoosed, why are you ignoring my question?

 

Because it's kind of a dumb and irrelevant question -- with all due respect.

 

But I'll bite. Would it bother me to think of or see my wife with another man, etc.? No, not if I chose to leave her. That would be even more selfish than I've already shown myself to be. I'd still want her to find her own happiness, whatever that would look like. Why would I begrudge her a relationship with someone who appreciates and deserves her?

 

What's the relevance of your question?

[signedin2008]

Many cheaters would be fine picturing their wives with other men while they were in active affairs, physically, or mentally like you're now. But, when reality sets in, they regret the decision they made and become very jealous of seeing and picturing their wives with other men.

[Owl]

So...Confused...what's your game plan for now?

 

What are you DOING to fix things, besides just "being there"?

[angie2443]

I don't advocate staying for the kids. But, I seriously doubt it would mess them up if he stayed, unless there is a load of overt hostility.

 

Wrong! I usually agree with you, but I grew up in a house where there was no love and my father was resentful of us. There was some hostility, but most times it was just a cold, unloving envirement. The damage done to us in that time was severe and took me years to overcome. A couple of my siblings never, in my opinion, healed from this.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

to the OP: sorry, but if you came home to tell me that you were staying for the kids; I would tell you to go. I would not want to be with someone for a commitment they no longer agree to.

 

Everyone wants to be wanted, loved, appreciated and needed. If you are staying "for the kids" you've already voided your marriage. You and your wife deserve to find people that will make you happy; I find it selfish to stay in a bad marriage; the kids suffer the most. They see what we think they do not. And the bad marriage will pattern to them.

 

Look hard into yourself and find out why OW came into your life and why it made you happy. That's what will help you figure out where you are and what you want. Then go to W and discuss with her. She maybe feeling the same thing.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Because it's kind of a dumb and irrelevant question -- with all due respect.

 

But I'll bite. Would it bother me to think of or see my wife with another man, etc.? No, not if I chose to leave her. That would be even more selfish than I've already shown myself to be. I'd still want her to find her own happiness, whatever that would look like. Why would I begrudge her a relationship with someone who appreciates and deserves her?

 

What's the relevance of your question?

 

I'll answer the question: if i fantasized with my H w/another women..... I wouldn't stop throwing up! I find it revolting & she could have him.

[OWoman]

I don't advocate staying for the kids. But, I seriously doubt it would mess them up if he stayed, unless there is a load of overt hostility.

 

It doesn't need overt hostility. I've seen - and lived - the damage it can, and does, cause.

[Dexter Morgan]

The thought of staying for the kids is NUTS!!!

 

While I agree that staying for the kids is the wrong reason, I wouldn't say it is nuts.

 

I understand the need to protect one's children and care for them when the other parent did not.