"Love like you've never been hurt before"... but, how?

[sunshinegirl]

You know that saying, love like you've never been hurt before?

 

Well, before this breakup, I was able to do that. My ex-ex boyfriend commented on it, in fact, saying that he hoped this breakup wouldn't wreck my ability to do that.

 

Thing is, thanks to this ex and for the first time ever, I really do feel as though I've hit some kind of emotional wall where I'm not sure I will be able to love as easily, as optimistically, as openly, again. It's like I've crossed over some line into cynicism.

 

I've also lost that optimistic sense that there are great men out there, and that with all the work I'm doing on myself, I will eventually find or stumble into, that great guy. It's like that hope has been snuffed out.

 

Now: I don't want to stay here. I want to believe in love again, and I want to be open to it. So the question is: how? Beyond just waiting for time to do its healing thing, are there specific things can we do to re-open our hearts?

[alwayssme]

I'm going through the exact same thing...not only with love but with PEOPLE in general. I can't fully trust or love completely because of my ex. Losing him hurt me so deeply, and it was mostly because I trusted he would never change, but he did. I never want to feel this pain again and for that reason I have this wall in my heart that won't allow anybody through.

 

I want to love again but right now that isn't possible because of all the hurt/lost/dissapointment...I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. Hopefully one day when our hearts heal, we'll be able to trust again. I know I will never be able to trust 100% but maybe that's a good thing, maybe we aren't supposed to trust others blindly, just to a ceratin extent. Right now it's better to not even think about love, untill our hearts have healed.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think that phrase is realistic but on the otherhand, each time I've fallen in love, it's been different. Unless you're incapable of learning from experience, there's no way your approach to each new relationship will be the same. Try not to allow bitterness to colour your approach. Take your time.

 

Being a little cynical isn't such a bad thing. It's a good way to slow yourself down from leaping in with both feet, before getting to know someone's character. Time always tells no matter how hard the person tries to hide.

[BikerBeagle]

Fact of the matter is, you will never 'love' the same way again. It's not bitterness or cynicism, it's that you have learned a life lesson and - hopefully - will take that experience with you into the next relationship. Give yourself time and you'll laugh in 10 years looking back on this.

[norajane]

It will come back...the next time you meet someone really cool and fall in love

 

It won't be the same feeling, but it is very likely to be better because you are better, wiser, stronger, and know yourself more. So when you find love again, it will feel richer and you will appreciate it more.

[You'reasian]

I'm getting there. It doesn't hurt to meet people, so long as you don't fall for each other too quickly. There is a woman in my life who is a friend of mine and while we are in no rush to be in a relationship, I would say that the chemistry is there and that we really appreciate each other when we are together.

 

She is a very attractive woman, intelligent and gets attention from alot of males - but she is disciplined and smart about it.

 

Our lives are independent of each others - when we are apart, we do not expect each other to not look at the opposite sex or date, but when we are together we are as close as bf/gf could be.

 

Some day we could evolve into a very, very close relationship. I'm not expecting it to, if it does, its just going to have to happen naturally.

 

I trust her, because we have developed a history (a really nice story!) but cannot fully love her yet - mostly because our lives are independent - but should time/circumstance allow us to be in the same place, it could happen

[alphamale]

Thing is, thanks to this ex and for the first time ever, I really do feel as though I've hit some kind of emotional wall where I'm not sure I will be able to love as easily, as optimistically, as openly, again. It's like I've crossed over some line into cynicism.

that is natural as the current self is a sum of all past experiences...as to the fix, i have no idea

[D-Lish]

Thing is, thanks to this ex and for the first time ever, I really do feel as though I've hit some kind of emotional wall where I'm not sure I will be able to love as easily, as optimistically, as openly, again. It's like I've crossed over some line into cynicism.

 

Hey, I'll be honest with you and tell you that you will probably never enter into a romantic union as easily as you did before. Your first real heartbreak steals your innocence and scars your ego indefinitely.

 

That does not mean you won't love someone with the same zeal ever again... it just means you'll approach love with caution.

 

You don't need to remain jaded, but being cautious is A-OK.

 

That first crack at love can be really damaging- but only if you let it. I know my first crack has had an impact on every single person I have dated since him.

 

That first big burn teaches us not to leap into the fire so quickly the next time. That can be a good lesson and a healthy way to approach future relationships.

 

You'll love again, you'll just think about it first.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, D-Lish. This isn't my first love, however! It's my fourth major relationship. And while I was crushed beyond crushed by two of the previous three guys -- and I eventually recovered from them and went on to love easily, openly, optimistically again -- for some reason this one feels like it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Maybe it just is a time thing? I am six months post-breakup.

[sunshinegirl]

It will come back...the next time you meet someone really cool and fall in love

 

It won't be the same feeling, but it is very likely to be better because you are better, wiser, stronger, and know yourself more. So when you find love again, it will feel richer and you will appreciate it more.

 

I hope this is true! Sometimes I think there simply aren't cool people out there anymore! I meet people and immediately wonder what their deep, dark, hurtful, broken traits are... I have no eyes to see the wonderful things about people these days.

[norajane]

Some break-ups take longer to heal from than others. The more introspection you have to do, to face your own part in it, the harder it is.

 

I'm not saying you were at fault for whatever problems led to your break-up. Just that you were a part of it, you were in it, so sorting out your relationship dynamic and understanding your actions and reactions - rather than focusing on his - takes a while. Once you sort through it, you will know yourself better and you will feel refreshed and ready to rock.

[loveinlife]

Heart breaks takes time to heal... i was in the same emotional place you were in. didn't believe anymore... but in time there are ppl who are right for us at the right time. i believe in you. you will be okay. =)

[D-Lish]

Thanks, D-Lish. This isn't my first love, however! It's my fourth major relationship. And while I was crushed beyond crushed by two of the previous three guys -- and I eventually recovered from them and went on to love easily, openly, optimistically again -- for some reason this one feels like it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Maybe it just is a time thing? I am six months post-breakup.

 

Hmm... then perhaps we're heading into jaded territory?

It's like believing in something, and being fed up that despite your belief, things don't turn out the way they are "supposed to". You learn to embrace such a belief after having it been reinforced a few times.

 

I had my heart broken a couple times before meeting my now ex husband. I can honestly say my experience with him was my last love straw. I haven't been the same since. It's been 6 years since my sep/divorce and I have a hard time letting anyone in.

 

I hope you don't fall into the same trap I have.

 

I think you have to look at love like everything else in life. You have to try on a lot of hats before you find the one that fits you best. There will be that one hat that never goes out of style.

 

Just remember that allowing that jaded feeling to permeate your disposition about love will stay with you. Don't let it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm at a similar stage in my life. What's been helping me a lot lately is just not worrying about it. Accepting myself as I am now. You will heal. Try to go easy on yourself while you do.

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG. A couple of thoughts. First, you know, for what it's worth you come across--still--as a very open, optimistic person where people are concerned...so I highly doubt you've permanently descended into the rank pit of cynicism ;-)

 

I'd wager it's a time thing. You experienced a tremendous betrayal...not only at the hands of your partner, but at YOUR OWN hands in that you accepted far less than was adequate for you in order to maintain the relationship--you did the relational work for two from the sound of it, so much so that when your partner left the proverbial dance floor via cheating, you were faced with the reality that perhaps he never was on the dance floor, participating in a relationship with you in the first place! That would throw even the strongest, most optimistic person for a loop...for a good long while. Are you still seeing that counselor? I'd wager that that's the best path towards resolving the wounds from this relationship and restoring your trust in YOURSELF (for it sounds like that's really the block, moreso than your trust in MEN or humanity in general) so that you can love freely again.

 

And you will love freely again. You will. The very fact that you came here and created a thread asking how demonstrates that you're already halfway there.

 

Lastly, for what it's worth, I've experienced some blocks in the past several months--old grief from my previous relationship, projecting past hurts onto my present relationship, etc. When this relationship began and started to look, well, real, I struggled because really I didn't want to enter another serious relationship until I felt I'd fully put the previous relationship behind me. But as my current relationship increasingly looked like it was worth pursuing 100%, I promised myself that I'd be as honest with myself and my partner about all my fears...and if my partner couldn't handle these fears, well, then he wasn't going to be the partner for me. So far, it's been good. I've been completely honest with him about my fears about him, and my feelings about my past, and his response has been caring and understanding. He even admitted that he, too, still hurts someetimes from the loss of previous relationships.

 

Chin up! Really, you sound like someone who can't help loving optimistically no matter what. Your most recent ex wasn't powerful enough to ultimately take that away from you. Give it time--6 months isn't a long time where emotional healing is concerned.

[kizik]

SSG,

 

I want to say in total sincerity that it is very possible to love like you never have loved before.

 

So, you got hurt. Does that mean everyone you like is going to hurt you? No way. I think the key is to accept the fact that everything is temporary. That includes love. Even if you're with someone for 50 years, that time is temporary. Then you die.

 

So, trust people while you're alive. When it ends, appreciate the time you had. Don't be cynical. Don't close your heart from the rest of the world because of one unfortunate man.

 

Josh

[foxh1234]

Hi SSG, I agree completely with Kiz. We will all love again and I for one will not be afraid of getting hurt again. I won't play this game scared, so to speak. Life is too short to worry about things that haven't happened yet. When I meet that special someone, I am going to open up to them and give as much as I have. Am I worried about getting hurt again, hell no!!! I survived once, I can survive again if I have to.

[orangehose]

SSG, you must have read my mind, because this is the way I've been feeling regarding dating / relationships recently. Too crusty, jaded and cynical to want to bother with them.

 

Romantic love just seems too fragile, mutable, and unreliable to bother with. Why invest hours and hours growing attached to someone, trying to help and support someone, when they could just trash the relationship and screw you over in the end anyway? Or even if the relationship ends in a 'softer' way... it's disillusioning nonetheless.

 

Far more superior and reliable is the love of family and friends. At this point, it's easier for me to imagine growing old in the nursing home with a few old college buddies, than with a husband.

 

And failing other people, well I could invest my time in myself - the return on investing in myself is far greater than when investing in another fickle human being.

 

I've turned down a couple of prospects partly because dating doesn't seem worth the effort, and partly because guys set off warning signs that remind me (negatively) of my ex. One guy, for example, was quite flattering pre-date, and all I could think of was how my ex was similarly flattering at first, and how easily he fell out of love with me.

 

It's not a 'guys are jerks' thing; it's romantic love that I'm questioning.

 

If / when I get into another relationship, I know I'm going to be rolling my eyes at every word of affection.

 

Guy: "I love you, you're so awesome, I'm so lucky to be with you, blah blah"

Me: "Yeah, that's what you're saying today. Let's see what you say next year. If you're even here, which you probably won't be."

[kizik]

If / when I get into another relationship, I know I'm going to be rolling my eyes at every word of affection.

 

Guy: "I love you, you're so awesome, I'm so lucky to be with you, blah blah"

Me: "Yeah, that's what you're saying today. Let's see what you say next year. If you're even here, which you probably won't be."

 

While I understand this skepticism/cynicism, that kind of approach is going to inevitably make you bitter. You feel this way now, orangehose (and perhaps sunshinegirl, too), and that is a sign that should tell you to stay away from relationships. For your own sake, as well as the hypothetical guy.

 

Because my ex girlfriend did not think much of herself, she projected those insecurities onto me. Hence, anytime I complimented her, she reacted as you would: eye-rolling, "no, I'm not", "you say that now, etc." So, I stopped complimenting her. Then after a while, she complains that I don't compliment her.

 

See my dilemma?

 

As someone who is upfront with his feelings, I can't win if someone is determined to disbelieve me because of their own issues. Work those issues out, give it time. It's quite unattractive not being able to take a compliment. Nothing makes a guy run for the hills quicker than a girl who always thinks he's lying.

[Ruby Slippers]

Because my ex girlfriend did not think much of herself, she projected those insecurities onto me. Hence, anytime I complimented her, she reacted as you would: eye-rolling, "no, I'm not", "you say that now, etc." So, I stopped complimenting her. Then after a while, she complains that I don't compliment her.

WTF is wrong with these women? In the beginning, my ex lost major points because he never complimented my appearance. I brought it up, and he said it was because all his exes would roll their eyes and say "shut up/that's not true" when he complimented their looks, so he quit doing it entirely. He even said one of his exes, after he told her she looked great that day, said, "What, I didn't look great yesterday?" WTH?!! Talk about not knowing how to take a freakin' compliment! His excuse always sounded unlikely to me -- I thought he really just must not find me that attractive -- but now I'm thinking maybe it was true. He couldn't take a compliment, either. It just made him uncomfortable, and he said he "didn't know what to say." I'm like, "How about THANK YOU?" Jeez, people.

[orangehose]

WTF is wrong with these women? I'm like, "How about THANK YOU?" Jeez, people.

 

As one of those weird women you refer to, I wanted to say I have no problem accepting compliments from family and friends. The issue arises now with romantic prospects because it provokes distrust in me. My ex piled on the flattery immediately, and now I'm suspicious of people who seem to develop feelings quickly. Because those feelings can go away just as fast.

 

Kizik, you're absolutely right with your analysis. I know I'm too bitter to date; it's not fair to burden a new guy with the duty of 'proving' himself when he's done nothing wrong.

 

I just don't see when I'll outgrow this phase, or what will cause me to. But I don't really care to outgrow this phase for the time being, so it's all good

[You'reasian]

Why must a guy prove himself?

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't but I would like to know why he should, especially since there are no guarantees with relationships. He could be in perfect position to be in a relationship - not seeing anyone, no hang ups, relaxed and ready to give his love and you might not feel the same chemistry required to get the relationship moving.

 

If that's the case, shouldn't she be honest from the start?

 

The reason why relationships go well is because each partner can not only meet each others needs, but because they trust each other - sometimes that trust can be fragile, though especially at the start of a relationship.

 

And how about reciprocity?

 

Some guys don't mind if their women looks at other men, so long as she doesn't badger them if they look at beautiful ladies. Isn't this natural?

[sunshinegirl]

Some break-ups take longer to heal from than others. The more introspection you have to do, to face your own part in it, the harder it is.

 

I'm not saying you were at fault for whatever problems led to your break-up. Just that you were a part of it, you were in it, so sorting out your relationship dynamic and understanding your actions and reactions - rather than focusing on his - takes a while. Once you sort through it, you will know yourself better and you will feel refreshed and ready to rock.

 

Thanks...yes, I am very much trying to sort out my role in this relationship - been seeing a counselor for several months now and have been uncovering lots of stuff to grapple with. It's painful and confusing and frustrating and is probably contributing to my general attitude - feels like I will always be spinning my wheels like this, though my counselor was assuring me yesterday that I won't...

[sunshinegirl]

Hmm... then perhaps we're heading into jaded territory?

It's like believing in something, and being fed up that despite your belief, things don't turn out the way they are "supposed to". You learn to embrace such a belief after having it been reinforced a few times.

 

I had my heart broken a couple times before meeting my now ex husband. I can honestly say my experience with him was my last love straw. I haven't been the same since. It's been 6 years since my sep/divorce and I have a hard time letting anyone in.

 

I hope you don't fall into the same trap I have.

 

I think you have to look at love like everything else in life. You have to try on a lot of hats before you find the one that fits you best. There will be that one hat that never goes out of style.

 

Just remember that allowing that jaded feeling to permeate your disposition about love will stay with you. Don't let it.

 

I like the bolded part above. Definitely don't want to stay jaded. I think of some of my couples friends who are just fantastic people and I both get depressed thinking that all the good guys are already taken, then semi-hopeful that there's still a great one out there for me, then depressed again that I haven't found him yet and I'm almost 35!

[sunshinegirl]

Hey SSG. A couple of thoughts. First, you know, for what it's worth you come across--still--as a very open, optimistic person where people are concerned...so I highly doubt you've permanently descended into the rank pit of cynicism ;-)

 

I'd wager it's a time thing. You experienced a tremendous betrayal...not only at the hands of your partner, but at YOUR OWN hands in that you accepted far less than was adequate for you in order to maintain the relationship--you did the relational work for two from the sound of it, so much so that when your partner left the proverbial dance floor via cheating, you were faced with the reality that perhaps he never was on the dance floor, participating in a relationship with you in the first place! That would throw even the strongest, most optimistic person for a loop...for a good long while. Are you still seeing that counselor? I'd wager that that's the best path towards resolving the wounds from this relationship and restoring your trust in YOURSELF (for it sounds like that's really the block, moreso than your trust in MEN or humanity in general) so that you can love freely again.

 

And you will love freely again. You will. The very fact that you came here and created a thread asking how demonstrates that you're already halfway there.

 

Lastly, for what it's worth, I've experienced some blocks in the past several months--old grief from my previous relationship, projecting past hurts onto my present relationship, etc. When this relationship began and started to look, well, real, I struggled because really I didn't want to enter another serious relationship until I felt I'd fully put the previous relationship behind me. But as my current relationship increasingly looked like it was worth pursuing 100%, I promised myself that I'd be as honest with myself and my partner about all my fears...and if my partner couldn't handle these fears, well, then he wasn't going to be the partner for me. So far, it's been good. I've been completely honest with him about my fears about him, and my feelings about my past, and his response has been caring and understanding. He even admitted that he, too, still hurts someetimes from the loss of previous relationships.

 

Chin up! Really, you sound like someone who can't help loving optimistically no matter what. Your most recent ex wasn't powerful enough to ultimately take that away from you. Give it time--6 months isn't a long time where emotional healing is concerned.

 

Thank you! Much here to ponder and be encouraged by.