wifes job.

[mark982]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, if not i'm sorry. my wife has the job from hell. the back stabbing there is just unreal. and guess who she vents on! well i try to be the caring husband, i sit, listen, offer advice. this has been going on for 10 yrs now. the stress is just tearing me up. told her to get another job, but she loves this one.I'm just about ready to pack it all in and move on. our only conversation is about her job, i'm tired of it. any advice is appreciated.

[norajane]

I'm just about ready to pack it all in and move on.

 

Have you told her that? That might get her to listen.

 

Do you two go on vacations? What happens then? Is she still mired in gossip and backstabbing talk?

 

Have you suggested marriage counseling? It might help you two learn how to communicate, and give you something else to talk about, like what's happened to your marriage over the last 10 years that her job is the only thing you have left to talk about.

[redfathom]

Maybe she needs some hobbies so you both get a break from each other and she has something else to talk about and focus on.

[2sure]

I have heard some of my husband's friends and relatives have the same complaint about their wives' jobs and the bit**ing.

Years ago, I worked in an office with mostly women - cubicle type atmosphere. The backstabbing and gossip, while almost entertaining...just wasn't my thing. But , and I think this is true, some women enjoy the atmosphere. The clique. The drama. I'm sure if they noticed, they could find much more interesting things to talk about at work and at home...but the "hen" behavior is a habit. lol. And its really weird when a guy is hired and eventually acts the same way.

 

I dont know what to do about ...sorry. But, its real.

[mark982]

i've tried to get her into hobbies.she just comes home from work and hangs out at the house, no intrest in anything outside. vacations, are just more of the same, talks about her job. she hates the back stabbing(honestly) in fact the stree landed her in the hospital sept.19th(panic attack). now i suffer from anxiety anyways so this sometimes leaving my chest pounding like crazy.she does make good $$$, but money isn't everything. really gotta figure this one out. i'd hate to throw away all these yrs. over a job.

[me4u2]

Ok, she hates it, you hate it. I was under the impression that she liked venting or talking about it while you just basically sat there as a sounding board.

 

I think you both need to get aggressive about not talking about it. Maybe allow her 10 minutes to say what she needs to when she comes home. After that, you both focus on keeping each other on track and off the topic of her job. Not in a mean fashion, but as soon as she starts to bring it up you say, hey remember we're done talking about those fools at work, let's do blah, blah, blah (whatever you guys like to do or talk about).

 

I think at this point it's become a habit that you need to break.

[mark982]

me4u, your right about that, i've tried it. but then she sits there and don't say anything, or says i don't care enough.but she "loves" her job, not hates it.and from what everyone tells me is damn good at it. moving on to another job is not possible as she'd make nowhere near the $$ elsewhere.plus starting over again sucks.

[me4u2]

Earplugs.

 

Seriously, I don't know then. She loves her job that ruins her marriage. She probably doesn't know you feel so strongly either. I'm sure if you told her that it's driving you so insane you feel like packing it up, she'd figure out a way to curtail her venting sessions. I understand the money thing with the economy and everything, that's why I keep suggesting other things rather than the obvious find another job.

[Chinook]

She needs to visit a counsellor. The reason I say this is that she needs to learn to compartmentalise work and home. Beyond the 10 minute 'I've had a ****e day' thing is too much for a relationship to cope with. It's not feasible and it's making you both ill. She needs to either understand this and learn strategies to deal with it. Or... she needs to get another job. I don't advocate the other job because chances are, it can happen any place. She needs to learn to switch off. She needs to learn to do the 'as soon as you walk out the door, leave it behind' thing. It's hard but it is absolutely necessary. Part of it is who she socialises with outside work. Ask her to keep work friends to work, no phonecalls or contact outside work that kind of thing and ask her to contact a counsellor and learn to deal with leaving work at work and home is home time. I know this is hard and I learned it the very hard way (I was very ill) but it is necessary.

[Ronni_W]

my wife has the job from hell. ... guess who she vents on! ... , but she loves this one.

I really can't remember "venting" about anything that I "love", nor can I recall anyone else doing that in my presence.

 

Thing I tell the kids, "if you're choosing to stay in that situation, you are also giving up the right to whine and complain about it. That's just a harsh fact of life."

 

I guess she may need to determine if she loves it more than she hates it. And then make a decision to stay or leave. And then put up with the negative stuff that comes with whatever she decides to do.

 

There is also the part where you have allowed your ears to be the 'doormat' for her venting. Packing it all in seems a bit over the top, especially if you haven't yet tried honesty and assertiveness.

[mark982]

this is some great advice, and i thank you all.she's a boss at work so the no phone call thing won't fly.and the only ones she talks to is the girls from work,i'm just at a loss.there has to be more to life than your job.i work 12 hrs a day 7 days a week. i asked her in june to schedule a vacation in oct. to go to the islands and relax. well couldn't do that too much time from work.ended up doing 2 day thing in caves.i'm thinking counseling might be the trick. but sometimes she has a hard time shutting off at home(still thinks she's a boss)and she'll probable fight me on this.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

She actually enjoys the "stress" at work and the drama. Otherwise she wouldn't talk about it so much.

Personally it sounds like she is a mental case and you really should pack it all in.

[2sure]

Send her here.?

 

Honestly, some people enjoy kavetching(sp?) . They would watch soap operas if they didnt work. Some people are just like this. For some reason, it normally seems to affect mother in laws. I myself, have to catch myself once in awhile, to not get causght up in office politics. My H is always telling me to quit my job - which I kind of hate - so I cant complain about it to him anymore. Put up or shut up right? Its too bad too, that she wont try another job, because without the stress...she will remember what she is really like!

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I actually think she enjoys the "stress" and office "drama." It makes her life seem so much more important and she can go home and seem more important to her husband by going on and on and on and on about it. Now he's at the point where he's thinking of calling it the whole thing off.

[mark982]

adter 10 yrs. of this, i've tried just about all i can think of. i've threatened to leave, hell you name it, i've tried it.at my wits end. the only thing left is just follow thru with my threats. after all these yrs. not sure if i know how to live alone.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I think it is time to just be rude and when she starts going on about work, just say "Sorry, I can't listen to this anymore" and walk away from her.

[mark982]

update, i took advice and gave her 10-15 minutes to vent, i'd sit, listen, give advice, etc. then we were done. she's tried to (later) start more talk about work. i either stear conversation away or just say hey were done with that. it sure is alittle chilly in this house.

[Ronni_W]

Good job. Now stay strong! Habits take a while to break, so just keep doing you're doing consistently and persistently -- it may her a while to realize that you are serious...then things likely (hopefully?) will warm up to prior levels.