The ex is baaaaaack!!!!

[foxh1234]

Hi folks, most of you don't know my story as it happened 8 months ago and I am almost healed. Short version- she cheated on me for months and then dumped me and moved in with the new guy. I went crazy and begged, pleaded,etc......... with no change on her part. I then listened to some great advice from Kizik, Caliguy, sunshinegirl, Northstar, sedgwick, chinook, Lishy, Sultry, Nemo, ioncebelieved, Trialbyfire, Nevermind, justaman, motive, wareagle, likecharlotte, carrotgirl, sumdude and so many more I can't remember right now. I went NC and moved on with life.

 

A few months later she was back and chasing me big time, finding me in restaurants, at my golf course, coming to my condo, writing letters, phone calls, emails, you name it. She broke up with the guy and wanted me back.

The only problem was I didn't want her back anymore. I told her to move on and not contact me again. That was a few months ago and I thought it was over but she is baaaaaaaaack........ Beating on my door last night begging me to take her back. Telling me her life has went to hell since we broke up and saying I was her soulmate. It was raining so I let her in and got her a dry towel and cup of tea. She knows deep down that I won't take her back but she still tries for some reason. She sat in my kitchen for 2 hours or so sobbing and re-hashing the last 8 months and I sat quietly listening and playing my guitar stopping every once in awhile to say something when appropriate. I wanted to cry a bunch of times but held strong and never let her see I was upset. I was like a rock, just sitting there listening like I was watching a movie that I really didn't like much. I don't hate her anymore, I feel sorry for her now.

 

That old saying seems to fit this situation- you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. She knows she was wrong to cheat and lie, but sometimes in life when you make a mistake it has serious consequences. I would have cared for her, provided for her, loved her and worshipped her and all I asked for in return was honesty, trust, respect and love. After about 2 hours she said she was going to go, but she didn't know where. She has been staying with a friend since moving out of the BF's place. I walked her out and down the stairs to her car and said that I still care for her but she has to understand what has been done cannot be changed. My feelings won't fix themselves enough to let you back in my life. All she could say was " I know , I know " I told her to take care of herself and to call me in the new year and maybe we could have lunch or something. She seemed happy about that and off she went.

 

I feel so terrible knowing how badly she is hurting and it was so hard to not reach out and hold her, she wanted me to so badly but everytime I thought about putting down my guitar and walking over to her, I remembered what she had done. Cheating on me hurt me so deeply, I don't even have the words to explain. It is a permanent scar that will always be there. I could forgive anything else, except that. I don't even know why I chose to post this this morning, I just wanted to tell someone I guess. I don't mention anything about her to my friends as we have alot of mutual friends and I don't want her personal business to be out there. I also don't want her to be embarassed. I know that alot of people feel that they would love to have the ex come back begging for another chance, but take it from me folks, everytime she re-appears it tears at me and brings me back to April. It is not easy to see someone you loved or still love suffer so much, it is the hardest thing.

 

I have to remember that she is not my concern any longer I guess. I'll be OK in a few days, just makes me sad how this whole thing went down. She looked so friggin sad. I didn't show her any emotion at all and I feel bad now for that. That's it I guess, another week in my crazy love life.

[lofi_tokyo]

You didn't need to show her emotion Fox, so don't feel too bad. She cheated on you, left you for that person, and slept with them for... 5 months?, before she decided to come back.

 

You deserve someone who loves you enough to stay with you, someone who doesn't need to run away for a while to notice you're worth it. I know you know this, but remind yourself of it when you feel guilty for not feeling sorry for her. She put you through so many months of pain.

 

Also, I am so proud of you for staying strong. My ex left me for a woman he cheated on me with, and... if he was pounding down my door and just KEPT trying I don't know what I'd do. I can't take him back, it wouldn't work out, I could never respect or trust him in the same way I once did, I am sure this is how you feel... but I would miss the love we once shared. Someday, you'll get out of this and find a new girl who will make you forget the pain your ex keeps causing you.

 

On that note, have you told your ex if she really loved you she'd stop trying to get you back? If she loved you, wouldn't she see behind your wall of defense and know shes hurting you? She should stop.

 

I have one final question though - did she leave the man she cheated on you with to come back? Or was she dumped and now shes trying for a backup? (sorry this is just curiosity)

[northstar1]

Hi folks, most of you don't know my story as it happened 8 months ago and I am almost healed. Short version- she cheated on me for months and then dumped me and moved in with the new guy. I went crazy and begged, pleaded,etc......... with no change on her part. I then listened to some great advice from Kizik, Caliguy, sunshinegirl, Northstar, sedgwick, chinook, Lishy, Sultry, Nemo, ioncebelieved, Trialbyfire, Nevermind, justaman, motive, wareagle, likecharlotte, carrotgirl, sumdude and so many more I can't remember right now. I went NC and moved on with life.

 

A few months later she was back and chasing me big time, finding me in restaurants, at my golf course, coming to my condo, writing letters, phone calls, emails, you name it. She broke up with the guy and wanted me back.

The only problem was I didn't want her back anymore. I told her to move on and not contact me again. That was a few months ago and I thought it was over but she is baaaaaaaaack........ Beating on my door last night begging me to take her back. Telling me her life has went to hell since we broke up and saying I was her soulmate. It was raining so I let her in and got her a dry towel and cup of tea. She knows deep down that I won't take her back but she still tries for some reason. She sat in my kitchen for 2 hours or so sobbing and re-hashing the last 8 months and I sat quietly listening and playing my guitar stopping every once in awhile to say something when appropriate. I wanted to cry a bunch of times but held strong and never let her see I was upset. I was like a rock, just sitting there listening like I was watching a movie that I really didn't like much. I don't hate her anymore, I feel sorry for her now.

 

That old saying seems to fit this situation- you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. She knows she was wrong to cheat and lie, but sometimes in life when you make a mistake it has serious consequences. I would have cared for her, provided for her, loved her and worshipped her and all I asked for in return was honesty, trust, respect and love. After about 2 hours she said she was going to go, but she didn't know where. She has been staying with a friend since moving out of the BF's place. I walked her out and down the stairs to her car and said that I still care for her but she has to understand what has been done cannot be changed. My feelings won't fix themselves enough to let you back in my life. All she could say was " I know , I know " I told her to take care of herself and to call me in the new year and maybe we could have lunch or something. She seemed happy about that and off she went.

 

I feel so terrible knowing how badly she is hurting and it was so hard to not reach out and hold her, she wanted me to so badly but everytime I thought about putting down my guitar and walking over to her, I remembered what she had done. Cheating on me hurt me so deeply, I don't even have the words to explain. It is a permanent scar that will always be there. I could forgive anything else, except that. I don't even know why I chose to post this this morning, I just wanted to tell someone I guess. I don't mention anything about her to my friends as we have alot of mutual friends and I don't want her personal business to be out there. I also don't want her to be embarassed. I know that alot of people feel that they would love to have the ex come back begging for another chance, but take it from me folks, everytime she re-appears it tears at me and brings me back to April. It is not easy to see someone you loved or still love suffer so much, it is the hardest thing.

 

I have to remember that she is not my concern any longer I guess. I'll be OK in a few days, just makes me sad how this whole thing went down. She looked so friggin sad. I didn't show her any emotion at all and I feel bad now for that. That's it I guess, another week in my crazy love life.

 

That is rough my friend, just when you think she has gotten the message.

You know what though, you having concern for her well being is a sign you are a good guy. Nothing wrong with that.

Good for you to sticking to your guns You are right, she made her bed.....

 

And as you are aware, the trust has been shattered, even if you ever entertained her in your life again, that's a tough thing to ever get back.

 

Stay strong.

[foxh1234]

You didn't need to show her emotion Fox, so don't feel too bad. She cheated on you, left you for that person, and slept with them for... 5 months?, before she decided to come back.

 

You deserve someone who loves you enough to stay with you, someone who doesn't need to run away for a while to notice you're worth it. I know you know this, but remind yourself of it when you feel guilty for not feeling sorry for her. She put you through so many months of pain.

 

Also, I am so proud of you for staying strong. My ex left me for a woman he cheated on me with, and... if he was pounding down my door and just KEPT trying I don't know what I'd do. I can't take him back, it wouldn't work out, I could never respect or trust him in the same way I once did, I am sure this is how you feel... but I would miss the love we once shared. Someday, you'll get out of this and find a new girl who will make you forget the pain your ex keeps causing you.

 

On that note, have you told your ex if she really loved you she'd stop trying to get you back? If she loved you, wouldn't she see behind your wall of defense and know shes hurting you? She should stop.

 

I have one final question though - did she leave the man she cheated on you with to come back? Or was she dumped and now shes trying for a backup? (sorry this is just curiosity)

 

Hi TV, she left the guy and moved out of his apartment. I really don't know if she dumped him or he dumped her, she said she dumped him, but she lies. As far as her trying to get me back, I think it will continue until either I find another person or she does. I would eventually like to be friends with her. Not close friends but I would like to talk to her once or twice a year to catch up. Even though she hurt me badly, I will still always have a special place in my heart for her. 8 years together is hard to forget. Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate them.

[foxh1234]

That is rough my friend, just when you think she has gotten the message.

You know what though, you having concern for her well being is a sign you are a good guy. Nothing wrong with that.

Good for you to sticking to your guns You are right, she made her bed.....

 

And as you are aware, the trust has been shattered, even if you ever entertained her in your life again, that's a tough thing to ever get back.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thanks buddy, I knew she would come around again, I just didn't know when. I am shook a bit today but I will bounce back pretty quick. I've got a date tomorrow night, so I have to get myself together, As far as I am concerned, if there is no trust, there is no relationship.

[CaliGuy]

Ah Fox, that suXors. I'm really glad you are staying strong. What's more surprising is that you've gone through some exhaustive lengths to keep her more than arm's length away from you and yet, she still persists. You're doing the right thing my friend. You definitely deserve someone better in your life than her.

 

Not sure if you read my post about the Ex from work. Not exactly a similar situation but I wish had maintained my cool as well as you. I still had harbored a lot of anger from being betrayed and the fact she was literally begging for my friendship was tossing fuel on the fire! I was mean and nasty to her, I completely admit that.

 

It would have been better for me to maintain my cool, as you did here, and just show complete indifference. I've never been very good at hiding my emotions and well, if the "No More Mr Nice Guy" self-therapy didn't cure one thing, it's that. I'm getting better but not quite 100% there yet.

 

Glad to hear you are hanging in there. Any dates lined up??

[sedgwick]

I didn't show her any emotion at all and I feel bad now for that.

 

You shouldn't! This is someone who lied and cheated. You owe her nothing. The fact that you even let her inside your house is more generosity than she deserves. I'm sorry, but once someone lies and/or cheats, that's it, they deserve whatever they get. She hurt you terribly, and the fact that you even care at all that she's hurting shows that you have a big heart and tremendous capacity for love and compassion. Someday someone will appreciate that and not s*it on it. She missed out big time.

[foxh1234]

Ah Fox, that suXors. I'm really glad you are staying strong. What's more surprising is that you've gone through some exhaustive lengths to keep her more than arm's length away from you and yet, she still persists. You're doing the right thing my friend. You definitely deserve someone better in your life than her.

 

Not sure if you read my post about the Ex from work. Not exactly a similar situation but I wish had maintained my cool as well as you. I still had harbored a lot of anger from being betrayed and the fact she was literally begging for my friendship was tossing fuel on the fire! I was mean and nasty to her, I completely admit that.

 

It would have been better for me to maintain my cool, as you did here, and just show complete indifference. I've never been very good at hiding my emotions and well, if the "No More Mr Nice Guy" self-therapy didn't cure one thing, it's that. I'm getting better but not quite 100% there yet.

 

Glad to hear you are hanging in there. Any dates lined up??

 

Hi CG, thanks man, I appreciate the words. Maintaining my cool was very hard but I didn't feel she deserved to see me break down in front of her. I won't do that ever again. I read your thread about the ex you work with. It is crazy how they won't go away no mater what we do or say. As far as dates, I have one Saturday night with a very nice young lady. 10 years younger than me but we will see what happens. This has hurt me again but not too bad, just need today to talk about it and get it out of my system. That is what I love about this site and all of you great people. I can always log on and spill my guts without being judged.

[foxh1234]

You shouldn't! This is someone who lied and cheated. You owe her nothing. The fact that you even let her inside your house is more generosity than she deserves. I'm sorry, but once someone lies and/or cheats, that's it, they deserve whatever they get. She hurt you terribly, and the fact that you even care at all that she's hurting shows that you have a big heart and tremendous capacity for love and compassion. Someday someone will appreciate that and not s*it on it. She missed out big time.

 

Hi sedge, thanks alot for the kind words. You are 100% right but it is still really hard to turn your back on someone who at one time meant the world to you. She is slowly figuring out that she screwed up something that could have been great. I just hope she learns and grows from this and does not repeat the mistakes in her next relationship. I really truly want her to be happy in her life.

[CaliGuy]

Hi CG, thanks man, I appreciate the words. Maintaining my cool was very hard but I didn't feel she deserved to see me break down in front of her. I won't do that ever again. I read your thread about the ex you work with. It is crazy how they won't go away no mater what we do or say. As far as dates, I have one Saturday night with a very nice young lady. 10 years younger than me but we will see what happens. This has hurt me again but not too bad, just need today to talk about it and get it out of my system. That is what I love about this site and all of you great people. I can always log on and spill my guts without being judged.

 

TBH, I am upset with myself for not maintaining my cool. She could tell, obviously, that I am still hurt by her actions. When you love someone and they take you for granted, it's really hard to not be angry. I'm extremely upset that she would assume that it's ok to treat me badly, take advantage of me and use me and then just think that I would accept her in my life as a friend, no problem. It's very ignorant of her to do so. She depended on me for my faith. She has no one in her life that has the same deep faith in God that we both have. And while God says I must forgive (and I told her this), He does not say I must forget. Hopefully the drive-bys by my desk will stop and she will move on with her life. She is someone I definitely do not need leeching my energy!

 

I am proud of you for maintaining your cool. It's a very difficult thing to do in your situation. Frankly, someone cheating on me is something I too can not forget. It's ok t forgive them, just don't allow them back into your life. Being friends with an ex doesn't serve any healthy purpose. Once you’ve been in a deeply romantic relationship there is no way to separate it from your life.

 

Have fun on your date. Just don't go in with any expectations. Keep it light and breezy and just enjoy your time together. If it's meant to be, it will happen on it's own. You won't need to work at it at all

 

Cheers!

[EmperorR]

ah the one thing I'm scared if my cheating ex hounding me

[lofi_tokyo]

ah the one thing I'm scared if my cheating ex hounding me

 

Its definitely a fear of mine Emp. I think an even bigger fear is he'll fall in love with the woman he cheated on me with and be with her forever. I know eventually I'd be happy for him, finding love, once I found love too, but as it stands, I probably won't be "happy" that him and his girlfriend are working out for many years.

 

If he came back? Well honestly its impossible he would. I know he does not miss me. He shows no signs of that. Hes rude to me, and really IS moving on in his life, in a good way. I'm actually happy about that. He told me last night he has a study group for his math class.

 

He's never had many friends to hang out with long-term. He has a few he sees now and then, but no close friends. He has also never tried in school. Now hes got both those things going well for him. I always wanted that for him, so thats good!

 

Anyways, back to the point. IF my ex came back which sadly he WONT, I don't know what I'd do. Cry for sure. I'd hope I had moved on by that point. Eww.

 

Fox, I am so sorry shes doing this to you.

Again, I'm glad you're being really strong. I hope someday if I'm in your position, I can come read your threads and derive strength from them.

[foxh1234]

Its definitely a fear of mine Emp. I think an even bigger fear is he'll fall in love with the woman he cheated on me with and be with her forever. I know eventually I'd be happy for him, finding love, once I found love too, but as it stands, I probably won't be "happy" that him and his girlfriend are working out for many years.

 

If he came back? Well honestly its impossible he would. I know he does not miss me. He shows no signs of that. Hes rude to me, and really IS moving on in his life, in a good way. I'm actually happy about that. He told me last night he has a study group for his math class.

 

He's never had many friends to hang out with long-term. He has a few he sees now and then, but no close friends. He has also never tried in school. Now hes got both those things going well for him. I always wanted that for him, so thats good!

 

Anyways, back to the point. IF my ex came back which sadly he WONT, I don't know what I'd do. Cry for sure. I'd hope I had moved on by that point. Eww.

 

Fox, I am so sorry shes doing this to you.

Again, I'm glad you're being really strong. I hope someday if I'm in your position, I can come read your threads and derive strength from them.

 

Hi, thanks TV. BTW your new haircut looks beautiful.

[Peter_pan]

admire you fox. i dont know how i would handle being in that situation. youve got a lot of faith in finding someone else, i admire that.

 

i dont have that strength. i believe i met my girl and we just weren't meant to be at this point in time

[WiseOne1]

Well I dont know about this, Its gonna come a time that you get a new GF and when you do the last thing you want is the ex interferring in the relationship.

 

Imagine your new gf being over and the ex knocking down the door, that came put strain and tamper with trust issues in any relationship.

However like "Caliguy" once said is that they have to show you that there really sorry and only then should you consider taking them back, thats if you want to that is.

 

Well your ex has really showed that she was sorry, shes done some things that shows remorse and I believe that she wouldnt do it again, but like you said that things could never be the same, and I dont blame you, because I could never take someone back after cheating.

 

However lol, by taking her on lunch and etc do you feel that your stringing her alone? Lol I mean if a dumper was to do that to the dumpee that would be called stringing alone.

 

Because you might be giving her expectations, I dunno, what do you think?

[foxh1234]

Well I dont know about this, Its gonna come a time that you get a new GF and when you do the last thing you want is the ex interferring in the relationship.

 

Imagine your new gf being over and the ex knocking down the door, that came put strain and tamper with trust issues in any relationship.

However like "Caliguy" once said is that they have to show you that there really sorry and only then should you consider taking them back, thats if you want to that is.

 

Well your ex has really showed that she was sorry, shes done some things that shows remorse and I believe that she wouldnt do it again, but like you said that things could never be the same, and I dont blame you, because I could never take someone back after cheating.

 

However lol, by taking her on lunch and etc do you feel that your stringing her alone? Lol I mean if a dumper was to do that to the dumpee that would be called stringing alone.

 

Because you might be giving her expectations, I dunno, what do you think?

 

You may have a point , I really just offered to meet in the new year to get her to get in her car and leave. But I am kind of hoping that by Jan, Feb, she may be over this and we might, just might be able to become casual once a month type friends. I would like to know she is alright in her life even though I won't play any major part in it. That might seem weird to some but I have shared almost 10 years of my life with this person, no one knows me better, and I would hate to never lay eyes on her again. We shall see what happens I guess.

[Peter_pan]

no i totally no what you mean man. god your situation sucks like most of us. 10 yrs !!

 

[dannydrifter]

Everyone made great points. But remember, if you still love her you don't have to worry about letting anyone down. It's your choice. If you do still love her, you can forgive her and do something that is uncommon with her and others -- to give her a second chance. People make mistakes, that's all I can say.

[WiseOne1]

You may have a point , I really just offered to meet in the new year to get her to get in her car and leave. But I am kind of hoping that by Jan, Feb, she may be over this and we might, just might be able to become casual once a month type friends. I would like to know she is alright in her life even though I won't play any major part in it. That might seem weird to some but I have shared almost 10 years of my life with this person, no one knows me better, and I would hate to never lay eyes on her again. We shall see what happens I guess.

 

Lol, well this proves that ex's can lead eachother on by mistake, not every ex does it on purpose, trust me, its gonna be quite awhile until she gets over you, because if she goes out and gets a new BF and he doesnt treat her good the only thing thats gonna happen is shes gonna turn back to you, because your the only person that ever treated her good.

 

So shes gonna keep going around in circles until she finally gets it thru her head that its over, just like all of us at LS had to get it thru our heads that its over! And thats when we decided to go NC.

 

We shall see though, just like alot of exs say they say "they never want to get back together" but it happens, you dont think that you may change your mind about her?

[foxh1234]

Everyone made great points. But remember, if you still love her you don't have to worry about letting anyone down. It's your choice. If you do still love her, you can forgive her and do something that is uncommon with her and others -- to give her a second chance. People make mistakes, that's all I can say.

 

Hi DD, believe me when I say that I have thought about giving her another chance for more hours then I care to remember. I know people make mistakes and if it was a one time thing when she was drunk or something like that, it might be easier to forgive. In this case though, she slept with him over and over and continued it for 3-4 months before I found out. Even worse is the constant lies I was fed everyday. She lied about where she was, who she was with, when she worked, why she was late, etc...... The lying is actually worse to forgive then the actual act of sleeping with him. When all trust is gone, what kind of relationship could we really have ? I would never look at her the same way again. I wanted her back more then anything when it first happened and I'm glad she never came back until I had cleared my head. Once it was clear, I knew there was no future. I just simply cannot be with someone without mutual respect and complete trust in one another.

[Peter_pan]

stay strong fox. she hurt you like ****, she treated you like ****. i dont want anyone treating my bro like ****.

[dannydrifter]

Hi DD, believe me when I say that I have thought about giving her another chance for more hours then I care to remember. I know people make mistakes and if it was a one time thing when she was drunk or something like that, it might be easier to forgive. In this case though, she slept with him over and over and continued it for 3-4 months before I found out. Even worse is the constant lies I was fed everyday. She lied about where she was, who she was with, when she worked, why she was late, etc...... The lying is actually worse to forgive then the actual act of sleeping with him. When all trust is gone, what kind of relationship could we really have ? I would never look at her the same way again. I wanted her back more then anything when it first happened and I'm glad she never came back until I had cleared my head. Once it was clear, I knew there was no future. I just simply cannot be with someone without mutual respect and complete trust in one another.

 

 

I am not trying to make excuses or downplay the severity of it all, because I know you were/are hurt. Remember also that a lot of this "person" you were dealing with was being manipulated and brainwashed by the OM too. It's a screwed up situation. All I am saying is, if you love her, then it is possible to reconcile but you must know how to forgive.

[Peter_pan]

I am not trying to make excuses or downplay the severity of it all, because I know you were/are hurt. Remember also that a lot of this "person" you were dealing with was being manipulated and brainwashed by the OM too. It's a screwed up situation. All I am saying is, if you love her, then it is possible to reconcile but you must know how to forgive.

 

i still think its to much to go back to. how on earth could you trust someone like that again. she has shown her true colours, people make mistakes true, but she is human, she has a brain, what she did was just wrong and very painful to put someone through.

 

i just think as hard as it is, she isnt the one. or maybe over alot of time and forgiveness who knows

[Trialbyfire]

I am not trying to make excuses or downplay the severity of it all, because I know you were/are hurt. Remember also that a lot of this "person" you were dealing with was being manipulated and brainwashed by the OM too. It's a screwed up situation. All I am saying is, if you love her, then it is possible to reconcile but you must know how to forgive.

Forgiving is a good thing, getting back together with a woman who's wired so ineffectively would be sentencing fox to a lifetime of watching his back and heartache. Love is never enough. Fox needs someone with moral fibre, someone who is capable of using healthy coping tools, rather than the completely selfish individual.

[trueblue72ny]

i wonder if she feels more rotten because he was kind to her. i admire fox for sticking to his guns.