Peter_pan Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 but I really cannot be with someone without total trust. I want someone to explain how I could ever trust her again ? I cannot figure out a way to do that. yep you know it. as you say time may change things. no one knows what the future holds. scary to some degree but that makes life life. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 Well I don't know the circumstances of the break up, and assuming that you have absolutely no feelings left for her, you acted approrpiately. However, I'm kind of scared by the avalanche of responses that provided strikingly "black and white" view of the situation. I can't help but notice some self-righteousness going on here. It is an easy and attractive stance, but rarely if ever the one party is so innocent to justify the "no way back' mentality. Now, I under NO circumstances would find cheating excusable, ever. But, people make mistakes, learn, and sometimes even change. So, to rule out any possibility of reconciliation just on principle, is harsh and immature. Again, if you genuinely no longer care, that's fine. But if you do, you're just denying yourself and herself a slim, but still a possibility for a second chance. Life consists mostly of grey areas,, as much as we'd like to have more reliable guideposts. My ex cheated on me, kind of, and now says that she wants to come back. Right now i don't find her reflections convincing, but if she persits, one day I might. If you don't know the circumstances of the breakup then you really shouldn't be judging the advice given here. Most of us *do* know Fox's circumstances and we agree that what he is doing is best for HIM in the long run. His ex is bad news, a liar and a cheat and doesn't deserve a second chance. He's better off with someone new with whom there is a level of trust established. He can not, nay will NEVER trust his ex again (with good measure). And that's no way to have a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 Fox, if we are to be honest with ourselves, then you and I both will agree on the following: You still Love her. She still has some power over you, she doesn't realize it though. What if she tried to kiss you on your neck? Would you stop her? The fact that she can show up to your places un-announced and know you would accept her in is troublesome. The line in the sand you have drawn is being pushed back. Tred Carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Share Posted November 8, 2008 Fox, if we are to be honest with ourselves, then you and I both will agree on the following: You still Love her. She still has some power over you, she doesn't realize it though. What if she tried to kiss you on your neck? Would you stop her? The fact that she can show up to your places un-announced and know you would accept her in is troublesome. The line in the sand you have drawn is being pushed back. Tred Carefully. Hi BOT, I get what your saying and I know it is a problem. I don't know about other guys, but I could not ignore her at my door, crying in the rain. I just couldn't do it. Perhaps for her and for me it would have been better, but I'm just not wired that way. I do still love her, that's for sure and she still does unknowing have a little power but as far as trying to kiss me, she has tried and tried the other night. I can't and won't go there though. That would be the worst thing I could do and would undo all the healing that I have done. My line in the sand might be brushed back but it is still there and she knows it. I will indeed tread carefully and I am well aware that she may pop up again at any time. I will just continue to recover, heal, date and enjoy my life. If/ when she comes around I will just handle them as they come. Thanks for the concern and advice, I really appreciate it, not just from you but from all of the great people on this site. Link to post Share on other sites
Ingenue Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 Considering the history the two of you have foxh1234, and what she did, I think you conducted yourself admirably. I know you only think you offered her tea and listened, but it takes a very big person and a gentleman to behave in a manner that was not only civil but incredibly generous considering the circumstances. There is something to be said for holding yourself to a higher standard of dignity and class than your ex treated you with. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 Considering the history the two of you have foxh1234, and what she did, I think you conducted yourself admirably. I know you only think you offered her tea and listened, but it takes a very big person and a gentleman to behave in a manner that was not only civil but incredibly generous considering the circumstances. There is something to be said for holding yourself to a higher standard of dignity and class than your ex treated you with. That is very true. I couldn't do it with my ex, but then again she wasn't begging for me back. In fact, she mentioned her current love interest and in a nutshell, she beat around the bush by saying she wanted me as a friend when in reality, she wants her boyfriend and wants me to fill the needs he doesn't. That's selfish. I was mean and nasty with her, but that's the way I tend to get when I can see someone STILL trying to take advantage of a manipulate me. Not sure if that's what Fox's ex is doing. I don't know her so I can't say if she's really being genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I think fox's ex is back to reconcile, she seems legit in her efforts, although I don't know if its a permanent thing, "Cali Guy' says make the ex wait for it and make them go out of there way if they really want you back, I think she has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Considering the history the two of you have foxh1234, and what she did, I think you conducted yourself admirably. I know you only think you offered her tea and listened, but it takes a very big person and a gentleman to behave in a manner that was not only civil but incredibly generous considering the circumstances. There is something to be said for holding yourself to a higher standard of dignity and class than your ex treated you with. Thanks Ingenue, I appreciate your words very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 I think fox's ex is back to reconcile, she seems legit in her efforts, although I don't know if its a permanent thing, "Cali Guy' says make the ex wait for it and make them go out of there way if they really want you back, I think she has. Hi WO, I agree that she is being honest and she really wants to try again. the problem I have is trust and also what happens a year from now when she meets another interesting guy and says what the hell, he forgave me for screwing around once, he'll do it again. I won't allow myself to go through this hell again, at least not with the same woman. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I think fox's ex is back to reconcile, she seems legit in her efforts, although I don't know if its a permanent thing, "Cali Guy' says make the ex wait for it and make them go out of there way if they really want you back, I think she has. In this case, cheating occured. I don't think Fox can trust her again. I know I couldn't. She really should have considered the consequences before hopping into bed with another guy and breaking Fox's heart. Infidelity I can forgive, forget I can not, which means no reconciliation is possible as far as I am concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 In this case, cheating occured. I don't think Fox can trust her again. I know I couldn't. She really should have considered the consequences before hopping into bed with another guy and breaking Fox's heart. Infidelity I can forgive, forget I can not, which means no reconciliation is possible as far as I am concerned. I have said it numerous times as has Caliguy. Once the trust is gone, so goes the relationship. I would be setting myself up for more hurt down the road by trying again. As much as this hurts now, I will be thanking my lucky stars a year from now that I didn't take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 If you are so sure of yourself and this decision, why did you start a thread and feel the need to keep reassuring yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 If you are so sure of yourself and this decision, why did you start a thread and feel the need to keep reassuring yourself? Hi DD, the answer is very simple. I have alot of friends on here who have been with me through this whole thing. I wanted to keep them up on things and perhaps help any newer members who are going through similar problems. It has been almost 9 months for me and I'm almost out of the woods. I continue to post and read in hopes of helping others just like so many did for me. I will admit that there have been times when I have second guessed myself through this, and it has helped alot to come on here and post what is going on and read the responses. I mentioned alot of the great people on the first page of this thread and without them, I would have made lots of stupid mistakes. Giving people hope that they can get through a bad breakup and come out the other side is the message I want to pass on. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Hey Fox, thanks for the shout-out earlier in your thread, but honestly, all of your strength lies within. We've just been little virtual cheerleaders, probably deriving more encouragement and inspiration from you than offering help or advice. You're doing great. I hope you soon meet a woman worthy of you. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 If you are so sure of yourself and this decision, why did you start a thread and feel the need to keep reassuring yourself? How did you assume this from his posts? He isn't looking for reassurance, as far as I can tell. He is simply showing other people how sticking to your boundaries and NC helps empower you. It's inspirational for us. He doesn't need our reassurance. He knows he is doing the right thing for him. It's not for us to decide if his actions are right in our eyes. It's his life to choose to live as he pleases and his decision to not accept her constant badgering for a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Hey Fox, thanks for the shout-out earlier in your thread, but honestly, all of your strength lies within. We've just been little virtual cheerleaders, probably deriving more encouragement and inspiration from you than offering help or advice. You're doing great. I hope you soon meet a woman worthy of you. Thanks SSG, I might have met her last night. We shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Fox, your ex is relentless! You have poetic justice at it's best. She knows that she screwed up and now is like a nightmare that will not go away. There has to be somewhere inside of you that is a little smug? Sure it sucks to see her and her hurting, but she gets exactly what she deserves after what she did to you. The ex will not simply go away, I just hope she does not wear you down in her efforts. I know the story!!! I have been here about the same time when you started posting about this piece of work...you call your ex. Stay well my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Fox, your ex is relentless! You have poetic justice at it's best. She knows that she screwed up and now is like a nightmare that will not go away. There has to be somewhere inside of you that is a little smug? Sure it sucks to see her and her hurting, but she gets exactly what she deserves after what she did to you. The ex will not simply go away, I just hope she does not wear you down in her efforts. I know the story!!! I have been here about the same time when you started posting about this piece of work...you call your ex. Stay well my friend! Thanks IOB, it has been an interesting journey for sure. 6 months ago I prayed for her to feel the pain that I felt. Now today, I wish I could make her pain go away. Man, love is a tough thing to figure out. Take care man and keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 yeh id like to know my ex was hurting, that would be empowering Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Thanks IOB, it has been an interesting journey for sure. 6 months ago I prayed for her to feel the pain that I felt. Now today, I wish I could make her pain go away. Man, love is a tough thing to figure out. Take care man and keep in touch. Not sure if you are or were into hard rock/ metal, but your ex is like the LA Guns song " bitch is back" Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 yeh id like to know my ex was hurting, that would be empowering Be careful what you wish for PP. As I said, I wanted her to hurt and now I don't at all. It is someoneyou once cared deeply for. It still hurts to see them hurt, no matter what happened. At least it does for me. Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I really don't know if she dumped him or he dumped her, she said she dumped him, but she lies. As far as her trying to get me back, I think it will continue until either I find another person or she does. Just tell her you met someone new and they listen and respect you for who you are. Tell her his name is Andy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Just tell her you met someone new and they listen and respect you for who you are. Tell her his name is Andy. :lmao: That would probably do it. I might just try that. Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Just tell her you met someone new and they listen and respect you for who you are. Tell her his name is Andy. Why not tell her the name is Bill? No need to lie to yourself Fox by lying to her. You tell her that she may try even harder. I know your stance on your situation, I wish my ex would come back so I could see her try. I have always respected you for holding strong!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxh1234 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Why not tell her the name is Bill? No need to lie to yourself Fox by lying to her. You tell her that she may try even harder. I know your stance on your situation, I wish my ex would come back so I could see her try. I have always respected you for holding strong!!! Thanks IOB, I appreciate it and BTW I love heavy metal/rock music. Bitch is Back is a great tune and appropriate in this never ending saga. Link to post Share on other sites
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