The ex is baaaaaack!!!!

[WiseOne1]

Better be safe than sorry, fox can move on and never look back, when you think about it, most of us has had ex's that we took back and they messed up again.

[foxh1234]

stay strong fox. she hurt you like ****, she treated you like ****. i dont want anyone treating my bro like ****.

 

Thanks PP, I feel the same about what your going through. Thanks man.

[foxh1234]

Thanks everyone for responding and offering me support. I don't feel like I did anything great here, I just let her in and got her a cup of tea and listened. Who could not open the door on a person that was once so very special to us ? You all would have been just as kind given the circumstances. I really truly feel bad for her, I know I shouldn't really care but I still do.

 

I want her to find someone, fall in love with him and learn from this relationship how important it is to be honest and faithful. I do not wish anything bad on her. Part of my heart will always keep her memory. This is the hard part, realizing that I love her but cannot be with her. This is what I struggle with. With more time and thought I will get past this and find the right one for me. I will look back on this year and remember how much I hurt but also how much strength I actually have and how much my heart can endure. I am a stronger person for having gone through it.

[kizik]

Of course your ex is back, she is a crazy b*tch and will ALWAYS be back.

 

Kick her to the curb. You're only allowing this to happen b/c it's an ego feed. Why are you even talking to her? It's done. Tell her to go away. Stop talking to her.

 

I am not sure why you allow yourself to be involved in her drama. It's pretty silly, IMO. I love ya, bud, but you're playing with some pretty stupid fire.

[touchedbyfire]

Don't consider this post one of support. Consider it one of admiration. I would have to disagree that you didn't do something great here. You managed to keep your self-respect and stick to your principles WHILE at the same time forgave her for what most would consider an unforgiveable act. This is no small feat and you SHOULD be proud of yourself. What you've accomplished is almost zen-like. I'm trying to get there myself with a girl that I've only known for a year and half (dated for 5). When I read your story, I can't even imagine what I'd have to go through for someone who's been a part of my life for nearly 10 years. So I guess what I'm saying here is don't sell yourself short. A lot of people including myself will learn a lot from your story.

 

Thanks everyone for responding and offering me support. I don't feel like I did anything great here, I just let her in and got her a cup of tea and listened. Who could not open the door on a person that was once so very special to us ? You all would have been just as kind given the circumstances. I really truly feel bad for her, I know I shouldn't really care but I still do.

 

I want her to find someone, fall in love with him and learn from this relationship how important it is to be honest and faithful. I do not wish anything bad on her. Part of my heart will always keep her memory. This is the hard part, realizing that I love her but cannot be with her. This is what I struggle with. With more time and thought I will get past this and find the right one for me. I will look back on this year and remember how much I hurt but also how much strength I actually have and how much my heart can endure. I am a stronger person for having gone through it.

[kizik]

I want her to find someone, fall in love with him and learn from this relationship how important it is to be honest and faithful.

 

Um... what she does and who she falls in love with, and how she treats him, is none of your business, and it's a waste of your energy to think about. Think about YOUR life, not hers. She doesn't deserve a second of time occupying your mind.

[touchedbyfire]

Of course your ex is back, she is a crazy b*tch and will ALWAYS be back.

 

Kick her to the curb. You're only allowing this to happen b/c it's an ego feed. Why are you even talking to her? It's done. Tell her to go away. Stop talking to her.

 

I am not sure why you allow yourself to be involved in her drama. It's pretty silly, IMO. I love ya, bud, but you're playing with some pretty stupid fire.

You're missing the point. He doesn't need to tell her what to do or kick her to the curb. Her actions aren't affecting or hurting him anymore. He loves her to the point that he wants her to be happy. With someone else. If he can be there for her without getting hurt, why not? Besides, life is impossible to predict. I don't believe in ever closing doors because you just never know what might happen. You really don't.

[kizik]

Oh what a bunch of hooey. There's no point in loving someone you can't be with. It's all a bunch of self-important, sadomasochistic martyrdom. Don't keep someone in your life that has betrayed you - ever, for any reason. As far as "wanting them to be happy" - to me it just sounds like a bunch of Jerry Maguire Hollywood crap that has no real application to life.

 

You know who you should want to be happy? YOU. Everyone else, ESPECIALLY those who had their chance and squandered it, can go to hell.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh what a bunch of hooey. There's no point in loving someone you can't be with. It's all a bunch of self-important, sadomasochistic martyrdom. Don't keep someone in your life that has betrayed you - ever, for any reason. As far as "wanting them to be happy" - to me it just sounds like a bunch of Jerry Maguire Hollywood crap that has no real application to life.

 

You know who you should want to be happy? YOU. Everyone else, ESPECIALLY those who had their chance and squandered it, can go to hell.

Let's flip this around another way. Let's pretend that this is helping fox move on in some way by seeing the pathos. Would you still feel the same way?

[kizik]

It's not helping him. It doesn't ever help you get over someone when they constantly keep popping up. Pathos? He knows she's crazy, but that doesn't help anything. While I too admire his calm under pressure, the fact that he is still opening that door for her is just unwise. Nothing good ever comes from trying to rectify a situation that is past the point of repair.

 

Fox, we know you can handle her crying. You've proven it over and over. I commend you. Now, stop contact with her - I know she's the one always initiating, but you bite, every time.

[CaliGuy]

I am not trying to make excuses or downplay the severity of it all, because I know you were/are hurt. Remember also that a lot of this "person" you were dealing with was being manipulated and brainwashed by the OM too. It's a screwed up situation. All I am saying is, if you love her, then it is possible to reconcile but you must know how to forgive.

 

DD, sorry but in Fox's case this is not possible. Yes, he can forgive her but he will never forget. This means it's impossible to trust her.

 

Without trust, there is no foundation for love. Period.

 

I know that we all want to forgive and forget, but having been in Fox's shoes not once but twice, I can clearly understand why he is not willing to give her a second chance.

 

If she was brainwashed by the OM, which I highly doubt, then that's her fault, not Fox's. She chose to leave Fox and go live with the OM. If she can do that now, she can do it again later.

 

You see what I am saying?

 

I believe it's honorable to forgive and utterly stupid to forget.

[Chinook]

Hi Fox

Couldn't believe there's another thread and she's back again. That said, you know... you're further down the road than you were the last time. I'm gonna go against the grain here... I'm gonna ask you to think about some things. I understand where you're coming from with the lying and the trust issue. I also understand what you're saying with the 'once the bubble has burst, I can't fix it' issue. I also know I'm gonna sound like I took an about turn from how I responded last time. I believe that you did what you had to do in order to maintain your sanity and your well being. But I'd also like you to think about something... right now you're thinking 'I can't because....' or 'I would but...'. Let me ask you something... could you forgive her..? I don't mean forget it. I don't mean let her off the hook. But now she's off the pedestal she was on, could you.... when it actually comes down to it, actually look within yourself and forgive her...?! If you can't then there is nothing further to say. But, look past your hurt, look past what happened and what she did. Human beings are learning beings. Could she really have learned from this and could you help her to deal with what happened. Sometimes, people make stupid decisions. At the time, they think it is what they want and it isn't. They don't know that until it's too late. But here's the thing... we always advise on LS to have absolute no contact in order to heal. You've done that, she hasn't. How often have you heard it said on here, that if the other person is sorry, if they're really truly sorry... if they really want you back and if they have it in them, they will let you know. Let me clarify something. Your ex knew what she had done, she knew what damage it was doing and she knew how hurt you were. She knew that she caused this. She knew and still knows now, that you are unlikely to forgive her and give her another chance.... yet, knowing all that, she still had to talk to you, to let you know, to give it one last shot. You do have strength and you have humility and hope inside you. But one thing I would ask you to do is to look really deep inside yourself and make sure you're not taking this stance because you think it's right or it is punishing her. I want you to actually ask yourself whether you're doing this for the right reasons. The reason I say this is because this is the stance I took when my ex left. I was no way in hell going to give him another chance. But a year later, during which time he'd hung in there trying, I again said no. A few short months later I felt like I had forgiven him, I did alot of soul searching and I still loved him. I wanted to reconcile. By that time, he had moved on. Since then, it is now 4 years since we split and 3 years since I finally let go. Since then I've regretted not coming to that feeling sooner. I really regret that maybe I could have forgiven what happened and I could have really moved past it. I know I could... but by the time I reached that point, he had already gone. The only reason I'm asking these things of you is I don't want to see you in a few months time, wishing you had been able to see past these things and maybe see your way to another chance. I don't think you will but I think maybe it's something for you to think about.

 

Aside from all that hon, I think you're doing well and I'm happy you're feeling better and dealing better about things. Sooner or later hon, she will move on and things will work out how they work out and you guys will be exactly where you should be.

[foxh1234]

Of course your ex is back, she is a crazy b*tch and will ALWAYS be back.

 

Kick her to the curb. You're only allowing this to happen b/c it's an ego feed. Why are you even talking to her? It's done. Tell her to go away. Stop talking to her.

 

I am not sure why you allow yourself to be involved in her drama. It's pretty silly, IMO. I love ya, bud, but you're playing with some pretty stupid fire.

 

Hi Kiz, I have not contacted her, I have blocked her on both my home and cell phones. I have blocked her email and closed my facebook account. She shows up in the rain on my doorstep crying, what am I supposed to do ? I could not tell her to beat it, I comforted her for 2 hours and reiterated that I would not take her back now or ever. I wished her the best and that was that. I get what your saying, but I just don't have it in me to turn her away after how long we were together. It is not an ego feed, I feel worse today than I did yesterday because of it.

[kizik]

I just don't have it in me to turn her away after how long we were together.

 

If YOU want to be happy, then you're going to have to FIND it in you to turn her away. Otherwise you shall be indulging this girl-woman for years to come. I do apologize if I came off cruelly, I just hate to see this sh*t happen every month.

[foxh1234]

Um... what she does and who she falls in love with, and how she treats him, is none of your business, and it's a waste of your energy to think about. Think about YOUR life, not hers. She doesn't deserve a second of time occupying your mind.

 

Hi Kiz, I don't know what to say except I love this person very much. I cannot be with her because of what she has done but I can wish her the best in the future and hope she finds happiness. I do not dwell on her at all. I am feeling great lately and it is with this new attitude that I can forgive but not forget. I agree that she does not deserve a moment of time in my thoughts, but I am giving her a little anyway.

[CaliGuy]

Oh what a bunch of hooey. There's no point in loving someone you can't be with. It's all a bunch of self-important, sadomasochistic martyrdom. Don't keep someone in your life that has betrayed you - ever, for any reason. As far as "wanting them to be happy" - to me it just sounds like a bunch of Jerry Maguire Hollywood crap that has no real application to life.

 

Disagree here. You can love someone but know they are not good for you nor should they be in your life, especially on a regular basis. He spent 10 years of his life with her. You can not expect the deep down love that he had for her to disappear overnight. On top of that, Fox is a compassionate guy. You may not be quite as compassionate and not understand, but I think what Fox is doing is admirable. And he is doing it without bringing himself down to her level.

 

You know who you should want to be happy? YOU. Everyone else, ESPECIALLY those who had their chance and squandered it, can go to hell.

 

Wanting her to be happy and move on and find someone else is a healthy, emotional thing.

[foxh1234]

Oh what a bunch of hooey. There's no point in loving someone you can't be with. It's all a bunch of self-important, sadomasochistic martyrdom. Don't keep someone in your life that has betrayed you - ever, for any reason. As far as "wanting them to be happy" - to me it just sounds like a bunch of Jerry Maguire Hollywood crap that has no real application to life.

 

You know who you should want to be happy? YOU. Everyone else, ESPECIALLY those who had their chance and squandered it, can go to hell.

 

Hey Kiz, that's the point man, I am getting back to being happy again. This is a minor setback, tomorrow night a big date, 123 rounds of golf this year, Jamaica on Dec 6th, life is pretty good.

[northstar1]

Hi Kiz, I don't know what to say except I love this person very much. I cannot be with her because of what she has done but I can wish her the best in the future and hope she finds happiness. I do not dwell on her at all. I am feeling great lately and it is with this new attitude that I can forgive but not forget. I agree that she does not deserve a moment of time in my thoughts, but I am giving her a little anyway.

 

 

As long as you can forgive and not give her much thought and treat her like any other acquaintance, then you seem to know what you are doing here.

 

If you can forgive, power to you sir. I'm not sure I could.

 

Just make sure you are always looking out for yourself. She was.

[foxh1234]

Hi Fox

Couldn't believe there's another thread and she's back again. That said, you know... you're further down the road than you were the last time. I'm gonna go against the grain here... I'm gonna ask you to think about some things. I understand where you're coming from with the lying and the trust issue. I also understand what you're saying with the 'once the bubble has burst, I can't fix it' issue. I also know I'm gonna sound like I took an about turn from how I responded last time. I believe that you did what you had to do in order to maintain your sanity and your well being. But I'd also like you to think about something... right now you're thinking 'I can't because....' or 'I would but...'. Let me ask you something... could you forgive her..? I don't mean forget it. I don't mean let her off the hook. But now she's off the pedestal she was on, could you.... when it actually comes down to it, actually look within yourself and forgive her...?! If you can't then there is nothing further to say. But, look past your hurt, look past what happened and what she did. Human beings are learning beings. Could she really have learned from this and could you help her to deal with what happened. Sometimes, people make stupid decisions. At the time, they think it is what they want and it isn't. They don't know that until it's too late. But here's the thing... we always advise on LS to have absolute no contact in order to heal. You've done that, she hasn't. How often have you heard it said on here, that if the other person is sorry, if they're really truly sorry... if they really want you back and if they have it in them, they will let you know. Let me clarify something. Your ex knew what she had done, she knew what damage it was doing and she knew how hurt you were. She knew that she caused this. She knew and still knows now, that you are unlikely to forgive her and give her another chance.... yet, knowing all that, she still had to talk to you, to let you know, to give it one last shot. You do have strength and you have humility and hope inside you. But one thing I would ask you to do is to look really deep inside yourself and make sure you're not taking this stance because you think it's right or it is punishing her. I want you to actually ask yourself whether you're doing this for the right reasons. The reason I say this is because this is the stance I took when my ex left. I was no way in hell going to give him another chance. But a year later, during which time he'd hung in there trying, I again said no. A few short months later I felt like I had forgiven him, I did alot of soul searching and I still loved him. I wanted to reconcile. By that time, he had moved on. Since then, it is now 4 years since we split and 3 years since I finally let go. Since then I've regretted not coming to that feeling sooner. I really regret that maybe I could have forgiven what happened and I could have really moved past it. I know I could... but by the time I reached that point, he had already gone. The only reason I'm asking these things of you is I don't want to see you in a few months time, wishing you had been able to see past these things and maybe see your way to another chance. I don't think you will but I think maybe it's something for you to think about.

 

Aside from all that hon, I think you're doing well and I'm happy you're feeling better and dealing better about things. Sooner or later hon, she will move on and things will work out how they work out and you guys will be exactly where you should be.

 

Hi chinook, I read and re-read what you wrote and I can honestly say that I have searched to the bottom of my soul and come up empty. When I look in her eyes, like I did last night, I know that feeling is gone. Trust is gone and so is the will to make it work with her. I will always love her, but we can't be together again. Thanks so much for the post, I really appreciate it.

[foxh1234]

If YOU want to be happy, then you're going to have to FIND it in you to turn her away. Otherwise you shall be indulging this girl-woman for years to come. I do apologize if I came off cruelly, I just hate to see this sh*t happen every month.

 

You did not come off cruel at all, we are friends, that's what friends do. I hate to see it happen every month as well Kiz. I just don't know if I can slam that door. I have to keep moving forward and take it as it comes.

[Chinook]

Hi chinook, I read and re-read what you wrote and I can honestly say that I have searched to the bottom of my soul and come up empty. When I look in her eyes, like I did last night, I know that feeling is gone. Trust is gone and so is the will to make it work with her. I will always love her, but we can't be together again. Thanks so much for the post, I really appreciate it.

I was kinda hoping that's what you'd say . I'm glad and I hope it doesn't change. From here, you guys will become kind of friends... where sporadic contact will be possible. 10 years is a long time my friend and it hurts when it's over. I think maybe your ex is possibly doing her own grieving now because she's slowly realising what she has lost. It will take time but I think given what you have said, you guys will get there. I don't think when you have spent that amount of time together, you can truly shut that person out of your heart, even now... I know I can't do it and nor would I want to. It's just different now. It doesn't take up my thoughts or time, it's just a part of me that I learned to accept, it's a part of what makes me who I am. For that I'm thankful really because I learned alot along the way.

[foxh1234]

I was kinda hoping that's what you'd say . I'm glad and I hope it doesn't change. From here, you guys will become kind of friends... where sporadic contact will be possible. 10 years is a long time my friend and it hurts when it's over. I think maybe your ex is possibly doing her own grieving now because she's slowly realising what she has lost. It will take time but I think given what you have said, you guys will get there. I don't think when you have spent that amount of time together, you can truly shut that person out of your heart, even now... I know I can't do it and nor would I want to. It's just different now. It doesn't take up my thoughts or time, it's just a part of me that I learned to accept, it's a part of what makes me who I am. For that I'm thankful really because I learned alot along the way.

 

Hi chinook, I don't know what the future holds for me or her but I hope perhaps way down the road we can keep in touch. I don't want to be friends but I would like to know if she is alright and happy, that sort of thing. I too have learned alot about myself and relationships through all this. I also made mistakes which contributed to the demise of this thing, and I have learned things that I never thought of before.

The next lady in my life will get a better version of Fox, that is for sure.

[foxh1234]

Don't consider this post one of support. Consider it one of admiration. I would have to disagree that you didn't do something great here. You managed to keep your self-respect and stick to your principles WHILE at the same time forgave her for what most would consider an unforgiveable act. This is no small feat and you SHOULD be proud of yourself. What you've accomplished is almost zen-like. I'm trying to get there myself with a girl that I've only known for a year and half (dated for 5). When I read your story, I can't even imagine what I'd have to go through for someone who's been a part of my life for nearly 10 years. So I guess what I'm saying here is don't sell yourself short. A lot of people including myself will learn a lot from your story.

 

Thanks touched, I do hope people learn from my story and don't make the same mistakes. I appreciate the kind words more than you know.

[movingonandon]

Well I don't know the circumstances of the break up, and assuming that you have absolutely no feelings left for her, you acted approrpiately.

 

However, I'm kind of scared by the avalanche of responses that provided strikingly "black and white" view of the situation. I can't help but notice some self-righteousness going on here. It is an easy and attractive stance, but rarely if ever the one party is so innocent to justify the "no way back' mentality.

Now, I under NO circumstances would find cheating excusable, ever. But, people make mistakes, learn, and sometimes even change. So, to rule out any possibility of reconciliation just on principle, is harsh and immature.

Again, if you genuinely no longer care, that's fine. But if you do, you're just denying yourself and herself a slim, but still a possibility for a second chance.

Life consists mostly of grey areas,, as much as we'd like to have more reliable guideposts. My ex cheated on me, kind of, and now says that she wants to come back. Right now i don't find her reflections convincing, but if she persits, one day I might.

[foxh1234]

Well I don't know the circumstances of the break up, and assuming that you have absolutely no feelings left for her, you acted approrpiately.

 

However, I'm kind of scared by the avalanche of responses that provided strikingly "black and white" view of the situation. I can't help but notice some self-righteousness going on here. It is an easy and attractive stance, but rarely if ever the one party is so innocent to justify the "no way back' mentality.

Now, I under NO circumstances would find cheating excusable, ever. But, people make mistakes, learn, and sometimes even change. So, to rule out any possibility of reconciliation just on principle, is harsh and immature.

Again, if you genuinely no longer care, that's fine. But if you do, you're just denying yourself and herself a slim, but still a possibility for a second chance.

Life consists mostly of grey areas,, as much as we'd like to have more reliable guideposts. My ex cheated on me, kind of, and now says that she wants to come back. Right now i don't find her reflections convincing, but if she persits, one day I might.

 

Hi, MOD, I accept my part in the break down of our relationship but in no way do I accept her deciding to sleep with another man for 3+ months while still sleeping with me and saying she loved me. Had I not found out through someone else, it might still be going on. Yes, people make mistakes and sleeping with him once or even twice might be just a stupid mistake. My problem is sleeping with him for months and lying to me everyday is not a mistake it is a choice. There is a big difference to me at least. I am not being self righteous, just realistic that a second chance probably wouldn't work due to trust issues I would have.

I feel better just walking away then to be in the same position with her in a year or two. IMHO, some realtionships can't recover no matter how much you want them to. This is how I feel right now on this day. I cannot predict the future and maybe years from now I will feel different. It might seem harsh to some for me to be so black and white about it, but I really cannot be with someone without total trust. I want someone to explain how I could ever trust her again ? I cannot figure out a way to do that.