men becoming emotionally unattached after sex

[fiona.clark]

Hi

I have been best friends with a guy for 10 years, 5 of that living and working together, 5 with me travelling and living elsewhere. We have realised over the years that we have something special and due to being in relatonships never did anything about it. His when he split up with his ex girlfriend, whom I knew quiet well she said that we should be together as we would make a great couple, alot of his friends said this to him when I left.

 

Its taken a long time but after 3 years of us both trying to avoid the attraction, we have both admitted that we have feelings for each other and feel that we could live together very happliy.

 

We are both in unhappy relationships and are in the process of ending them, both complicated as I share a house with my partner and he shares a buisness with his.

 

Basically we have spent the last 8 weeks talking every night on the phone for average of 2 hours sometimes up to 5. We have a great laugh and things come easy to us.

 

I need to stay in this area for the next 6 months to finish my university studies and he is in the process of totally renavating his house as its just a shell.

 

He has said he will put his life on hold for me and we have both ssid we have never felt like this with anyone else before, it just feels right.

 

We met up for the first time in 6 years and it was like we had never been apart. The first night was a bit akward as we were both really nevrevous and had not really let our guards down, after this we got on the same as before we both called and texted each other like mad. A week later we spent another night together and this was just pure magic, we had a wicked time. But now he has withdrawn right way from me, never texting me or calling when he said he would, so I did the usual female thing of chasing him. This never happened after the first time so why now, now Im too scared to text him or call him incase I look to needy. I did say to him I felt like walking away and giving him some space, but he said dont do that we just need to talk to one another. That was 2 days ago and he still hasnt called, what should I do walk away or go and see him to find out wahts going on?

 

Advice would be well received

 

Cheers

 

Fiona

[Ronni_W]

I did say to him I felt like walking away and giving him some space, but he said dont do that we just need to talk to one another.

Fiona,

Call him (don't text), and let him know that you heard him when he said that you guys need to talk, and ask if he knows when he will be ready to do that (it sounds as if he has something to tell you that may be a bit uncomfortable for him, is how I'm interpreting it.)

 

It might be that you'll need to give some reassurance that, whatever it is, you will do you best to keep an open mind and not just react emotionally, or judge/condemn him.

 

Also let him know that his silence is starting to make you doubt certain things about your relationship, and if the two of you can't get to the problem in the next couple of weeks, then you will be reconsidering things on your own.

 

It's not needy to have an open and honest conversation, where you clearly demonstrate that you are able and willing to make self-decisions that you feel are in your own best interest.

 

Best of luck.

[fiona.clark]

Thanks Ronni W. We have talked tonight and cleared the air, basically we both felt things were going too fast. He just had too much going on in the last few days, which resulted in me panicing and forgetting who he was and that if he hasnt contacted me it was for a good reason.

 

Thanks again, your advice helped me step back and value the strenghth of our friendship

 

Fiona

[carhill]

My advice, if you do value this potential, is to steer clear of any emotional/sexual attachment with this person until both of you are well clear of your current R's and have had some alone time. Perhaps his distance is an indicator of his position on this. Perhaps he considers you too important to be a rebound for him.

 

In any event, whatever chemistry you have will still be there in a year or two. Trust me

[fiona.clark]

Hi

 

Its now been a week since I last posted, Eddie and I have talked on the phone every night. He keeps dropping hints as to when will I becoming up to see him next and says it feels like ages since we were last together (10 days).

 

We get on so well, we have both said we have never felt like this before about anybody else. Its just right on so many levels, mainly that we can just both act naturally, be ourselves with each other and talk about anything.

 

Last night we had a really hot phone conversation with us both getting turn on and intimate. We both admitted that this was the first for both of us and he said that he had always wanted his relationships to be this hot but previously always restrained himself with other woman, not being this open.

 

We both really want to see each other again, but should I stay the night? We have an intense sexual attraction to each another, should I just let it build and wait until he has finished with his girlfriend. He has talked about us spending the future together, but feels we should not rush into any thing. In the back of my mind is when is he ever gonna tell his girlfriend. They are both really unhappy in the relationship and only staying together because of the buisness, everytime he has arranged to meet her socially to disscuss there relationship, over the last 4 weeks she has blown him off and accussed him of being disloyal and not trustworthy.

 

I really dont want to ask him its her or me, but Im scared if I keep meeting his emotional and sexual need he will never upset the applecart and tell her.

 

Any advice would be good

[Jo78]

They are both really unhappy in the relationship and only staying together because of the buisness, everytime he has arranged to meet her socially to disscuss there relationship, over the last 4 weeks she has blown him off and accussed him of being disloyal and not trustworthy.

Well, he is cheating on her with you, so she has a valid point there. Don't you think?

 

Steer clear of him until he has resolved the current relationship situation. If he says he wants to spend the future with you, let him prove it by getting things straightened out in the present.

 

Otherwise you will end up dating a cheater and you'll always ask yourself if he would do the same to you when the road gets rocky for the two of you. And believe me, at some point it will!

[Ronni_W]

I'd also suggest to cool the whole thing down until he gets himself more sorted out -- because they are business partners, he'll just always have that old excuse handy for not doing what he ought to be doing for himself and everyone else involved.

 

As well, of course for YOU to get yourself more sorted out, too -- your house-sharing can also become your handy excuse to not do what you ought to be doing for yourself and everyone else involved.

 

You BOTH need to upset your applecarts! Otherwise, you (both) run the risk of it becoming too easy to "hide" in whatever you two have going on, and not take proper care of business so that you can enjoy a full, open, honest relationship with each other.

[norajane]

If he is such a best friend, he shouldn't want to turn you into an Other Woman while he cheats on his gf. I'm sure he'll understand if you draw the line at having sex again until he's out of his relationship and you're out of yours.

 

If you really think this is an important relationship, then you really need to get it started on the right foot, and cheating and gf/bf baggage is not the right foot. You aren't giving it your best shot to succeed otherwise.

[fiona.clark]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Since we first slept together, in my heart I knew we had to both give each other space to deal with our own problems first. I disscussed this with Eddie and he agreed, but unfortunatly lust got the better of us the next time we met. Since then my gut feeling was to walk away and give each other the space needed.

 

If you love someone set them free.

 

I have now realised that the reason I have been so emotionally screwed up this week was because for the first time I was not listerning to my intuitions, up until now they have always been right in this relationship.

 

Today I have let go and mentallly walked away and boy does it feel good, I have boosted my self esteem and confidence in one easy shot. No contact on my behalf, and I feel so much better for it.

 

I know in my heart and head now that if its truely meant to be, it will work out for the good. I have put my trust back into fate again and im happy for the first time in two weeks.

 

 

Many thanks again for your help

 

Fiona

[fiona.clark]

Man I read my last post and it sounds like a different person talking...

 

I went to see him on Sunday to talk about backing off, yes I know confusing!

So we ended up sleeping together.

 

We agreed that both our heads are screwed up at the moment with both of us having major personal problems to deal with, with neither of us can really thinking straight. So we have both decieded to back off, just talk maybe once a week to catch up, but no more smut or emotional stuff. He says he is stuck in a rut and does not know which way to turn with his buisness, house or life and feels that he needs a 'boost'. Next month he will be effectivily homeless, whilst his house is renevated and has done nothing really to solve that problem (typical man).

 

Should I just go no contact, its so hard to know what to do, I know by what he told me that he still wants us to be together in the future, but how do we get there? Should we be talking as friends still and be there for each other or do I need to just totallly back off for him to realise that what we have is so special and although I have told him I will always be there for him he has to realise Im not gonna be here forever waiting.

 

Thanks for reading yeat another saga in my life!