Want Him Back, We're both paralyzed by absolute fear of being hurt again.

[nicholeprobst]

Hi Everyone,

 

Ummm...I'm new here. I just found this message board from a search on how to get my ex back. I don't know what to say so I'll start at the top...sorry this is so long.

 

It all started back in 1999, right before I graduated college. I didn't date in college or have much of a social life because I was a single-mom and reeled from my relationship with my daughters father for a good two years. So, I decided to just not date or go out and work on myself some.

 

I did start to go out the last year of college and one night one of my friends had her 21st birthday party and invited me to come. Since I hadn't been out so long, I pretty much kept to myself...but I did meet one person, my now ex-boyfriend/fiancee. He seemed so quiet and mature compared to everyone else at the party...and everyone else I'd ever dated.

 

Well to make a long story short we spent the night together and then began dating. He was so kind, intelligent, generous, and caring. I was EXTREMELY gunshy because I'd been in so many abusive relationships and he had been neglected as a child and I am his first REAL GIRLFRIEND. But, he treated me so well and was REALLY good with my daughter. About a year after we'd been together he asked me to marry him and we moved in together. We had no money and my parents helped us with expenses because I was still in college. We lived together for a good two years and things were PERFECT! We went out all the time, we'd stay up and talk all night about our innermost secrets and dreams for our lives. We'd have our little spats about stupid trivial things like what we were going to do that weekend, but they were no big deal and very infrequent.

 

But then, after I graduated college because we lived in such a depressed area we had trouble finding work.

 

So we moved to Southwest Missouri so we could both work, I could finish college and, he could go to college. Well, from the beginning it was a difficult move. We had very little money and found out quickly that it was going to take all we had just to get here because our vehicles quit right before we moved and we had to rent a U-Haul in addition to the moving expenses. But, it was no problem because wherever we were, regardless of how much money we did or didn't have, we'd be together and that was enough. I had a job...albeit not a very good one and we knew he'd find work here pretty easily too. Well, two months went by and he didn't even look for work....but I dealt with it and did the best I could to at least pay our rent and have a little bit to eat. He became distant, unresponsive, and emotionally unavailable...and at times like that because I am so high strung and communicative...I don't do well at all. I tend to get very cold, my mouth runs away with me, and I can say cruel things without even realizing it. We began to fight a lot. But eventually he got a job and I went through a few before I found a better one and things got better. Throughout all this though I was very depressed myself, I had just moved 250 miles from all my friends and family, my father had just died, and I had left my daughter with my mom at her request so she could help me take care of her and I could finish college, and she had remarried herself and all the financial help she had promised us was no longer possible...so that didn't help either. So, things were not great. But we held on through all the arguments, all the homesickness, being broke, and all the emotional turmoil and doubts.

 

This went on for about 1.5 years and each of us just got more and more homesick and more and more distant to the point that we've both said and done REALLY hurtful things to one another without even knowing it. We've both withheld affection for one another and said mean things to each other. But, we always got back together and worked it out.

 

Up until about 3 months ago...

 

Money was still tight and we were both really stressed out, but we were doing the best we could. I had just gotten a new job but didn't start for a few weeks. My ex had sent me grocery shopping with a little bit of money and told me what we needed and to buy whatever I wanted with what we had leftover. I had worked hard all day to make him a nice meal and clean house so we could have a nice evening together on his night off and he yelled at me over corn on the cob. At that point I just lost it and took off my engagement ring and said to him "ya know if one of us has to be happy and the other unhappy....you be happy, go home to your friends since they're so much more important to you than me!"

 

My feelings were very hurt and because for years I had heard nothing but how much he missed his friends...I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It had nothing to do with me not loving him...I was just SOOOO TIRED of everything! And I had gone to him countless times and asked him what he wanted...did he want to move back home...did he want to stay here... did he want me to work two jobs to help payoff the credit card and back bills...I'd begged him to tell me and he just shutdown on me and wouldn't answer me. I didn't know who I was living with all of a sudden, but it sure wasn't the man I'd fallen in love and lived with for the past 3 years!

 

Well, this was about the 4th time I'd taken off my engagement ring and handed it to him. I told him the next day how sorry I was and why I'd done what I'd done...that I didn't want him to be unhappy and if being with his friends would make him happier I'd rather have that for him, than to be here but be unhappy with me. But that I did truly love him and I believed that all of our problems had been caused by outside forces (i.e. lack of money, stress, broken promises, my depression and so on.) I knew we could survive this. I would be going to counseling to work out some of my own issues...but I needed time.

 

Now this is where it gets confusing to me...

 

So, we got back together. He said he believed we could work it out. He even told my Mom on the phone things were getting better. And I REALLY felt like they were. We weren't fighting anymore and it had felt just like it was in the beginning. Two weeks later he told he he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. This was just too much...he just wanted to have fun and be boyfriend and girlfriend and see where it went. So, I said that was fine I wasn't ready to get married right now anyway.

 

I went to him numerous times and tried to talk to him about how he felt about how everything was going and he just shrugged his shoulders at me and never answered.

 

He told me he was going home for a few days after he got a car. I had told him he could have his freedom, but asked would he please take me home and drop me off so I could see my daughter for the weekend and told him I'd help with gas money. I told him I felt wierd about asking since I'd told him he could have his space and freedom, but I didn't know when I'd get a car or how soon I'd get to see my daughter again. It had been over a year since I had seen her. He told me he'd think about it. I knew he probably would take me home to see her since he had to go through there anyway to get to his friends, but wasn't sure.

 

Then a week after that he told me that he was moving out...after I pulled it out of him and made him tell me. I begged him to stay until our lease together is up in May and he said he would. But, I told him we wouldn't be sleeping together anymore because I wasn't willing to leave myself open for anymore hurt or pain and I certainly didn't want that for him either.

 

That weekend he took me home to see my daughter and he went and saw his friends for a little bit. When we got there he hung out at my Mom's house for about an hour and just acted like it was old times. Before he went to his friends house he told me he'd be back Saturday night between 7pm and 8pm and to be ready to go. Well, on Saturday he got there at 6:45pm and we stayed at my Moms house until 9:00 PM...again he just acted like it was old times.

 

He still treats me like he's in love with me...takes me out, pays most of the bills, offers to buy me clothes, and hangs out with my family, and so on. I mean he didn't move out when he said he was going to either. He's told me he's still attracted to me physically, likes me, and wants to be *good friends* someday. But there is no affection on either of our parts because we're both paralyzed by absolute fear of getting deeply hurt again.

 

I mean I know I've been very hurtful to him at times, but he has to me as well. I know we're still here together for a reason. I just don't know what it is!

 

So, WHAT IS GOING ON?!

 

Does he still love me...does he want to work things out and is waiting for me to come to him....has he given up...WHAT?!

 

I'm not trying to sound obsessed or anything like that...but I do still love him and know in my heart that this can be overcome, that being in love is different from falling in love, and that it takes WORK to stay in love. We FINALLY have a chance to have fun together again and heal our relationship. I just can't tell if that's what he wants or not. He's still living here....he still treats me like he always has...better actually...he's not seeing anyone else (and I know this because if he was he would care more about his appearance than he does right now and he wouldn't still be taking me out)....he doesn't push me away when I DO show affection towards him....

 

But he doesn't volunteer it to me....

 

Has he just lost his rabid mind....is he just confused....or is he just afraid of commitment and getting hurt again?!?!

 

WHAT IS GOIN ON?

 

Could someone please help...I don't know what to make of all this.

 

Sorry this is sooooo long too, but I don't have many people to talk to here.

 

Nichole

[Clancy]

Whew! I think that's got to be the longest post I've read here so far. But I guess that's because you're facing a huge problem. It sounds as though life is pretty much got your relationship on the ropes and by the sounds of it it doesn't seem to me that things are going to get any better if all else stays the same. What you've described is a set of problems that most young couples wouldn't have been able to withstand for as long as you two have....low money, depression, homesickness, school, and being an absent mother on top of that.

 

You've also described a relationship that's going through the stages of self-destruction...arguments, emotional and physical withdrawal and pseudo break-ups. If you want, you can live through it to the end...and who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and things will get better. But I doubt it.

 

To me, the best thing you could do for yourself and your relationship is to actually separate. Leave each other alone for six months or so and see if that's really what he wants (and you perhaps need) or if as you say, you two are really meant to be together. If you are, he'll know it before the six months are up.

 

What he's got to find out and so you too, is if all the hardships of couplehood are worth it. Some relationships can go on through all kinds of trouble and maybe yours can too but I think you'll need a separation, cold and simple, to really find out. Then again, like I said before, you can wait it out and see what happens but I'd prefer to take positive action.

 

The one other suggestion I'd like to offer you is to get couples counselling (perhaps at your school) while you are separated. That way, you'll keep a kind of regular contact and focus on the relationship even though you are not together.

 

I do really wish you all the best and I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time.

[nicholeprobst]

Hi Clancy,

 

Thanks for your reply....I know that way quite a post to sit and read through, this is just REALLY hard for me because I do really love him. AND I can't make sense of any of this.

 

But, I'm working full time again and trying to keep myself busy...we only see one another about three hours a day except for when we have the same days off. And when I have the money in a few weeks I'm going to counseling myself and going to get anti-depressants.

 

How this whole thing changes every day is almost unbearable at times. For instance...two weeks ago I was begging him to stay...at first he told me no than decided to stay...then last Monday I was begging him to buy me out of the lease because I couldn't bear the pain anymore...he told me no.

 

Yesterday, I decided to just maybe flirt a little bit to see his response...well he flirted back. This morning before I went to work I got up and chipperly said Good Morning! and pecked him on the cheek....then as I was walking out to work he put his arm around me and kissed me goodbye and told me to have a good day. Now he's NEVER done that before...not in all this time! I get home from work this afternoon and was rubbing his neck cuz he said it hurt and when I stopped, kind of pecked him on the cheek and just gave him a hug. As I turned to walk away he grabbed me, put his arm around me, kissed me and then it just led to much more.

 

As he was leaving for work I told him goodbye and have a good night and he doesn't say anything at all to me.

 

I know I'm his first real girlfriend and he's had a real bad home life his whole life...he was badly neglected and abused. To top all of that off...he's painfully shy as well and I KNOW we've both hurt each other so deeply for so long.

 

So, rather than harp on him all the time about how he feels about everything...I have just decided to go about my own business, back off, and see what happens. I'm trying to give him the space he asked for. That's all I know to do at this time, because unfortunately we depend on each other for financial help and can't get out of our lease together until this May. We're all each other has here.

 

But isn't it odd that he doesn't approach me to show affection to me more often? After four years...almost five...I can't hardly believe that he's using me or he'd be gone by now wouldn't he....???

 

Does any of this make sense to you?

 

Nichole

[Clancy]

If your guy grew up in an abusive home it's likely that he has a whole lot of problems with intimacy in general. People with those kind of problems can have trouble being affectionate and loving even with people they love tremendously. And just because he was affectionate early in the relationship doesn't mean the problems won't surface later. If he doubts that you love him/need him/want him/ totally then he will withdraw rather than put his feelings on the line and perhaps have you reject him. I don't know if that's a problem in your relationship. What can happen in this case though is that any small criticism from you or disapproval can cause him to withdraw with the emotional equivalent of an atomic bomb...in other worders he over-reacts and becomes silent and non-responsive.

 

My original advice still stands...I think he needs to lose you in order to know if he wants to accept all of the risks of having you and the relationship. I know it's incredibly painful for you the way things are but probably even more painful for you to truly believe that it could be over. Right now your relationship sounds like it is so fragile and chaotic that almost any thing could happen from one day to the next. And you are watching every minute littlew detail to see if there's a great hidden meaning in it. There's not. You have a very emotionally dysfunctional relationship as a whole. The parts only matter in that they describe the big problem. I think it's good that you are looking for help. Educating yourself by counselling and by reading will work wonders for you.