Missing an angel: she hadn't healed yet from her past, she wasn't ready for us

[Dakota]

Wanted to say hi and talk about my week. Found this site looking for answers that I already knew.

 

Mine will probably be a long story, there's so much to say to make you understand what happened to me. First off, I'm above and beyond emotionally stable. I'm 30 years old(male) and I've had my fair share of relationships, light and intense. I have a great emotional self image and I have a firm grasp on who I am as a person. I believe in romance, I believe in love, and I believe that there is another half to me out there that will not make me a complete person, but make the two of us a complete being.

 

My story begins a little over a week ago, on a beach. My friends and I met some girls while having a great afternoon in the sun. We all became fast friends and saw these girls the next day. My roomate and I invited two of them over for dinner the following night and found we were both interested in the same girl(who my roommate is now currently dating). The other girl that came wasn't my type whatsoever (not that I really have a type, but normally I wouldn't have thought much about her other than that she was a cool person). We'll call her Sarah.

 

Later in the evening, after we had finished dinner, we were out on our deck chatting when Sarah came over and leaned against the railing with me. My hand accidentally brushed her back and my heart skipped a beat. I looked over at her and saw an angel (no, not literally ) standing next to me. In that split second I realized that this woman, who I just met, who I knew so very little about, was the missing piece to my puzzle. I could tell she felt it too, just by the look in her eye. I've loved before, quite intensely, and I have never felt a connection and a bond like I felt that night. We talked feverishly into the evening and that night we parted ways without speaking of what happened but with a light half kiss that told it all in a second.

 

Over the next couple days we spent our free time together. and we found we were perfect for each other. She knew just how to hold me, I knew just how to touch her, we astounded each other with every new thing we shared with one another. It was, in one word, perfection. To say our relationship went fast would be like saying the Grand Canyon is a pothole.

 

Then, 4 days after we first connected, one of her friends came up to me and told me that I was all set if I played it cool, if I took it slow with Sarah, if I gave her time. Talk about too little, too late. But he was right on, yet she showed no signs of needing the same, she had commited as much as I had to the past few days. And then that night, she sat me down and told me about her ex-boyfriend.

 

Right now, if I passed him on the street, he'd be on the ground before you could blink. It's the a**h***s like him in this world that make love difficult. She told me how a year ago, he simply walked out on her after a four year relationship that she invested every bit of herself emotionally in. She told me how her feelings for me now, were scaring the hell out of her. How she hadn't healed yet from her past, how she wasn't ready for what was happening. She didn't think she could give me what I needed(but she already had), she was afraid one day I would roll over in bed and tell her I loved her and she wouldn't be able to say it back(it wouldn't matter). That night I told her we would take things as they came, the good and the bad, one day at a time. And she agreed, one day at a time.

 

Three days later (exactly one week from the Saturday we met) she stopped by my house, walked in, and told me she couldn't see me anymore like this. It destroyed me. Imagine someone walking up to you and saying 'Hi, here is this thing that you've been looking for all your life, the one thing you need for complete happiness, take it, it's yours.' And then that person comes back, one week later, and takes that thing back and tells you that you will never see it again in your life. She left my house shortly after and I sat, numb, staring at the ceiling. My life was one cruel f'ing joke. Eventually I wrote her an e-mail. It was right on and she knew everything I said in it was true. But our views on healing were tragically different. I honestly believe that one cannot heal fully from a past experience without letting someone back into your heart and learning how to love and trust again.

 

I saw her one last time on Monday night. I asked to talk to her. I needed to explain to her that I was willing to wait for her to work out her issues. Nothing I said that night was right. It was only more pain and more pressure dumped onto her. She had offered me the friendship route on Saturday. I knew my feelings for her would not diminish. I had been simply in love in the past to a person that promised one day to return those feelings and that day never came. Talk about a living hell, day after day seeing this person you love and never being able to be a whole part of their life. I explained that to Sarah. I told her that I couldn't go through that hell again, not with her, not with the way I felt about her. I told her that I couldn't be around her everyday the way I felt, that it would change me and I (and she!) couldn't have that. And I wished her a wonderful life, and I gave her one last hug, and I gave her one last kiss, and I told her if she ever, in this life or the next, wanted me, all she had to do was call. And I turned around and walked out of my angel's house.

 

And two days later, my heart aches more than it ever has in my entire life.

 

I know there is nothing I can do, I know this is her thing that she has to work out. I just miss my angel. I miss her so very very much.

 

Thanks for listening, feel free to write back, give advice, whatever.

 

Jason

[virch]

A touching story and very sad, I feel for you and know your pain, because I lost my angel too. It's been over a year now and it still hurts, how I wish I could just forget. There's an old saying about setting something free...If she really is your angel. then she will fly back to you. Live your life, and keep her in your heart if it feels right for you...but don't let the memory stand in the way...or you may end up in the same bost as she...good luck man.

 

John