Even if you won your ex back....

[williamz]

how could you ever fully get over the fact that you were dumped? I'm not talking about people who cheated on their ex or gave their ex great reasons to break up with them. I'm talking about people that really didn't deserve to be broken up with. Wouldn't you always feel like you were in the weaker position of the relationship, that you are only back together cause she couldn't find someone better, that you have to walk on eggshells to prevent being dumped again?

 

I'm asking this because I don't know if it's even worth the effort to try a second chance. Even if I got it and things were great I'd still be thinking "you gave up on me" or constantly be worried that I love her more than she loves me.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think thats a big reason WHY second chances don't work, even when people get them.

 

They had their old problems to overcome, plus the fact that they now know just how badly their ex can hurt them.

 

I'm not entirely sure if taking an ex back makes you weak though. If your ex asked for you back, sincerely and honestly, then it probably would take them some level of humility to do so. They're in a bad position too.

 

One of my ex's dumped me out of nowhere once. We didn't talk for three weeks, in the 4th week he found out I'd be somewhere he was going to be, he said he missed me and asked if I'd like to hang out. I missed him tons too, so we started up again.

The power in that relationship was kinda wonky I guess... he had it when we got back together, then I went to Europe for a month, and somehow I got the power, then he had it, then I had it... bounced back and fourth. I never really trusted him again though... and we never got back that initial honey moon passion I longed for.

[madgun68]

You risk rejection any time you enter a relationship. Heck, you may even eventually rejecting the other person. To even think of trying things again, you really should be at a point where that isn't something that is going to have an impact. Otherwise, you're likely to be clingy or needy out of fear that you're going to be hurt again.

 

If you can't let go of the past, maybe it's just better to move on..

 

Whether or not it works out really depends on why things ended in the first place. (Sometimes folks may not deserve it, but almost need it to happen to realize that they needed to change. Harsh.. but true.) Sometimes people just don't know what they want.. and need the experience of other relationships to figure that out.

[samspade]

This is why trying to get an ex back is a fool's errand.

 

The dumpee is like a dog chasing a car - he (or she) wouldn't know what to do if he/she ever caught it.

 

I think only in rare cases - usually where a breakup was due to outside factors such as moving away - do 2nd chances work. If it's a case where one person clearly dumped the other, there will always be that status issue that gets in the way.

[Crazy.S]

I know I can't get over the fact she dumped me. Even if she did want me back, I am at a point where I don't even love her anymore. I taught myself to hate her in a way to deal with being dumped. I miss her, but I don't see how it can be the same. I am not even sure she is the same person I once loved. And she has a red flag now since she forced me to feel the pain of being dumped.

[Curmudgeon]

I simply can't imagine ever wanting to get an ex back. To me that wouldn't be a win, it would be a loss of self and self-respect as well. Sometimes they just simply need to learn that the fescue isn't always more verdant on the opposite side of the barrier! Why stand in the way of that lesson?

[kizik]

Second chances don't work. There is too much history, resentment and anger there. Friendship is also a bad idea because one party is always disappointed. Best to let it go, and focus on oneself.

[Ingenue]

A second chance is a tricky relationship to navigate. You have all of the old emotional baggage that one or both partners could be constantly thinking about. And then there is the matter of whether the break up caused any loss of respect or trust in the other person's eyes. Once that is gone, it's all but impossible to build up again.

 

I think the only way that a second chance can work is that if both parties have done a fair share of emotional growth and development apart as individuals. They've separately assessed the problematics of the previous relationship and worked on themselves towards self-improvement. I also think both parties need to fully discuss the previous relationship and why it ended to not repeat the same mistakes.

 

And, if one party during the break up engaged in less than honourable behaviour s/he must atone for it, otherwise the mistakes of the past are destined to be repeated.

 

Given such difficulties, why bother with a second chance.

[Gato]

second chances can work as long as both people are serious about getting back together and making it work.

[CaliGuy]

I don't know that I agree that second chances can work unless there was no trust or infidelity issues. If there was any cheating or simply a lack of trust, I think second chances are doomed to failure. I will always stick with the following statement:

 

"Why give someone a second chance who dumped you when there is someone else out there who truly wants to be with you that hasn't had a FIRST chance!?"

 

Sticking to NC has shown me that I am much stronger, emotionally speaking, than my ex. She doesn't want a second chance. She just wants whatever I can provide her. She doesn't want me personally at all. Just what she can get from me. That's why exs seek friendships. It's simply to relieve their guilt.

 

It's selfish and self-centered.

 

Let your ex go, refuse those second chances and go out and find Mr/Ms Right! Out there somewhere is someone who really wants to be with you. Just gotta find them

[Sysyphus28]

You can't make like "winning" your ex back is like earning a trophy or a prize. If anything she/he is a consulation prize for not getting what you truly deserve; Someone who didn't break your heart, someone who didn't drag you through the mud, someone who didn't lie, someone who isn;t immature.

 

We all deserve a real prize! Something awesome.

 

Not somebody who threw you out like a banana peel.

 

We are all a lot better than trying to WIN someone back. Your ex is not a prize. You are the prize. We are just as important as the person who dumped us. They should try and win us back.

 

This is kind of like a pep talk. But hell, I havn't had pep in months. I want other people to feel good and less needy. All you need is good people in your life who are going to help you grow, not someone who is going to bring you down.

 

F being down.

F my ex and her selfish/ childish behavior

 

She is not a prize. She is nobody.

[kizik]

You can't make like "winning" your ex back is like earning a trophy or a prize. If anything she/he is a consulation prize for not getting what you truly deserve; Someone who didn't break your heart, someone who didn't drag you through the mud, someone who didn't lie, someone who isn;t immature.

 

We all deserve a real prize! Something awesome.

 

Not somebody who threw you out like a banana peel.

 

We are all a lot better than trying to WIN someone back. Your ex is not a prize. You are the prize. We are just as important as the person who dumped us. They should try and win us back.

 

This is kind of like a pep talk. But hell, I havn't had pep in months. I want other people to feel good and less needy. All you need is good people in your life who are going to help you grow, not someone who is going to bring you down.

 

F being down.

F my ex and her selfish/ childish behavior

 

She is not a prize. She is nobody.

 

Thank you for this pep talk, I want you to know that it is great to hear, and that you are 110% correct. I like how you put it - WE are the prize.

 

Great post.

[BCCA]

This is a good topic. I used to tell this to my ex during our second chance every time the topic came up:

 

"I can forgive, but I cant forget"

 

You really will never forget. In the back of your mind, you're still pretty irked about it and kind of looking for reasons why theyre going to do it again. And chances are very good that its going to happen again. As the old saying goes:

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

 

I will never give anyone else a second chance unless there was some ridiculously unusual circumstances. I've done it twice, got burned again both times. Its better to let it go.

[movingonandon]

don't want to rain on anybody's parade, but the "we are the prize" mantra is kind of silly. Now i understand that it is *partially* true and a good coping mechanism, but nobody is perfect. I also think that I am a prize, but to take this to an extreme and an excuse to avoid self-reflection and analysis of my role of how things fell apart is just not learning anything and getting ready for a new failure.

 

 

Related, I also find the chant that "there is someone out there that's the Real Deal for me" to also be some sort of silly. they will not be better or worse than our ex, just different. So putting all hopes on finding Ms/Mr Right really means refusing to work on our own happiness. Nobody can and should take care of our needs. Anybody we meet will have their own issues and hangups to deal with. any relationship sooner or later bumps into serious problems. the only difference is if people choose to learn how to deal with them with each other, or wait for different people to learn to deal with them with...

 

Second chances can work - regardless of the circumstances of the breakup - if both parties want it, and more importantly - have developed as individuals during considerable time apart. If this happens, then who dumped who becomes irrelevant. Obviouslky, this takes a lot of work and self awareness, so many people choose not to do it.

[Eyeofthoth]

I want "second chances" to not work out, because my ex left me for a previous ex of his. That just CAN'T work out. . .

 

and, I really want "second chances" to work out, because after it doesn't work out with that previous ex I want him back, and I want it to work out with us. That just HAS TO work out. . .

 

You can all think I am a fool for this, but he was the best boyfriend I ever had while I had him. He was generous, sweet, attentive, funny, handsome (in an "ideal match" kind of way), everything really important -- he was it.

 

He had some soul-searching to do. He went backwards. Does this mean I should not give him a second chance if I get the opportunity?

 

Why not? He was the best. He was so good that after dating about 15 other guys since him, I feel like I might rather enter a convent than go on dating. Because they are not him . . .

 

CALIGUY says, "Why give someone a second chance who dumped you when there is someone else out there who truly wants to be with you that hasn't had a FIRST chance!?"

 

The answer is because I already know that I love him. And I already know that he can really love me.

 

Sure, I also know he can rip my heart out, but anyone can do that, if you love them . . .

 

And usually at some point and in some way, they will . .

 

I'll take the love anyway, if I can get it.

 

Besides, the someone else out there has to be someone I can love, and I'm not finding it.

 

Honest to God. Almost 6 months and all I want is some way to get him back.

[EmperorR]

I don't know that I agree that second chances can work unless there was no trust or infidelity issues. If there was any cheating or simply a lack of trust, I think second chances are doomed to failure. I will always stick with the following statement:

 

"Why give someone a second chance who dumped you when there is someone else out there who truly wants to be with you that hasn't had a FIRST chance!?"

 

Sticking to NC has shown me that I am much stronger, emotionally speaking, than my ex. She doesn't want a second chance. She just wants whatever I can provide her. She doesn't want me personally at all. Just what she can get from me. That's why exs seek friendships. It's simply to relieve their guilt.

 

It's selfish and self-centered.

 

Let your ex go, refuse those second chances and go out and find Mr/Ms Right! Out there somewhere is someone who really wants to be with you. Just gotta find them

 

I agree, my ex cheated on me, even though I forgave her, I could never see ourselves together again, I would always have in the back of my head whenever she is out, or doesnt phone me etc. or went away that she'll do it again.

 

Even though I still love the cheat, gaa

[CaliGuy]

CALIGUY says, "Why give someone a second chance who dumped you when there is someone else out there who truly wants to be with you that hasn't had a FIRST chance!?"

 

The answer is because I already know that I love him. And I already know that he can really love me.

 

Sure, I also know he can rip my heart out, but anyone can do that, if you love them . . .

 

And usually at some point and in some way, they will . .

 

I'll take the love anyway, if I can get it.

 

Besides, the someone else out there has to be someone I can love, and I'm not finding it.

 

Honest to God. Almost 6 months and all I want is some way to get him back.

 

I feel for you. I've been in your shoes. Do you know what holding on to hope does for you? It always, always leaves you disappointed. It is 1000 times better for you to leave hope behind and be pleasantly surprised IF he decides to come back than hold out hope and end up hurt once again.

 

While I have much sympathy for your situation, I really do think you're setting yourself up for a failure. The longer you hold on to hope, the longer it's goign to take you to heal.

 

He doesn't want a broken woman (which you will be if you hold out). He will want a strong, confident, self-assured woman. You can't be that if you hold out....

[Sysyphus28]

don't want to rain on anybody's parade, but the "we are the prize" mantra is kind of silly. Now i understand that it is *partially* true and a good coping mechanism, but nobody is perfect. I also think that I am a prize, but to take this to an extreme and an excuse to avoid self-reflection and analysis of my role of how things fell apart is just not learning anything and getting ready for a new failure.

 

 

Related, I also find the chant that "there is someone out there that's the Real Deal for me" to also be some sort of silly. they will not be better or worse than our ex, just different. So putting all hopes on finding Ms/Mr Right really means refusing to work on our own happiness. Nobody can and should take care of our needs. Anybody we meet will have their own issues and hangups to deal with. any relationship sooner or later bumps into serious problems. the only difference is if people choose to learn how to deal with them with each other, or wait for different people to learn to deal with them with...

 

Second chances can work - regardless of the circumstances of the breakup - if both parties want it, and more importantly - have developed as individuals during considerable time apart. If this happens, then who dumped who becomes irrelevant. Obviouslky, this takes a lot of work and self awareness, so many people choose not to do it.

 

This is a serious delusion. People don't go through individual transformations when they are apart. OK, maybe they/you get a new hobbie, adopt a new perspective, start wearing different clothes, listen to a different band, become a buddhist, WHATEVER. The shared dynamic that you had with this person was why you were in love. That is essentially what youa re trying to get back to(that particular comfort zone).

How are you going to re-create this same comfort zone after you have "grown" as individuals. A second chance might work after 3-5 years of experiences. Probably not though.

I understand why you are so vehement about second chances working.

I get it, I loved and lost too.

 

I miss some of the comfort from my ex. But I am unwilling to lose anymore dignity in this situation. I did the begging, pleading, trying to be friends, blah, blah,blah. Biggest waste of my time. Their are other people!

 

Their are better situations!! Thier are better lovers!! Their are better relationships than this broken one!!

 

Why prolong this needy need for a person who dumped you. I realized I don't have to prove myself to her, because she is not my judge, she is not my jury, she does not define who I am!

 

I am embarassed for my ex, I really am. She should be ashamed of her piss poor behavior, but she's not. I don't want this A**hole back in my life.

I started out believing in second chances too.

 

It is the dumbest sh** I have ever had hope in.

 

If she called me up today, crying for me to take her back, I would tell her to lick my shoe and get lost! My dignity and self-preservation is much to important.

[northstar1]

This is a serious delusion. People don't go through individual transformations when they are apart. OK, maybe they/you get a new hobbie, adopt a new perspective, start wearing different clothes, listen to a different band, become a buddhist, WHATEVER. The shared dynamic that you had with this person was why you were in love. That is essentially what youa re trying to get back to(that particular comfort zone).

How are you going to re-create this same comfort zone after you have "grown" as individuals. A second chance might work after 3-5 years of experiences. Probably not though.

I understand why you are so vehement about second chances working.

I get it, I loved and lost too.

 

I miss some of the comfort from my ex. But I am unwilling to lose anymore dignity in this situation. I did the begging, pleading, trying to be friends, blah, blah,blah. Biggest waste of my time. Their are other people!

 

Their are better situations!! Thier are better lovers!! Their are better relationships than this broken one!!

 

Why prolong this needy need for a person who dumped you. I realized I don't have to prove myself to her, because she is not my judge, she is not my jury, she does not define who I am!

 

I am embarassed for my ex, I really am. She should be ashamed of her piss poor behavior, but she's not. I don't want this A**hole back in my life.

I started out believing in second chances too.

 

It is the dumbest sh** I have ever had hope in.

 

If she called me up today, crying for me to take her back, I would tell her to lick my shoe and get lost! My dignity and self-preservation is much to important.

 

Second chances are rare, even rarer to work out, but they can happen. I think it really comes down to why it broke in the first place. If one of the parties cheated, or lied, or was abusive in any form, then I don't see how it could work again, even if you spent time apart. I know I could never repair the trust again, if someone I cared about cheated on me. Call it pride or dignity or what have you, but once that trust is gone, it's very hard to ever get back.

 

That being said, there are situations where people broke up due to circumstances or one or both were at an awkward time in their life. If the breakup was respectful, then there is a slim (and I am saying slim) chance that a second chance could work again.

 

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend during the last year of college. They'd dated for 3 years and at the end, they were just having silly fights and he had graduated, was working a lot. She was still finishing her degree and living in the dorm. They had reached two different spots in life and broke up. No cheating, no lying, just ran out of steam. They both went on to date new people over the next few years (and didn't keep in touch during this time). 3 years later, both single at ths time, he sent her an christmas card with a note asking how she was, etc. Fast foward a few months, they meet up, reconnect and begin to slowly date again (slow is the key). Fast forward again, they are married with a few kids, and seemingly quite happy.

 

Now, situations like this are rare, and it takes the fact that both still have respect for the other person and there was no grand betrayal.

 

But, that being said, if you are holding onto hope that his will happen, you are keeping yourself in neutral. The key for this working in this situation was that they broke up, went NC, healed, moved on with their lives, and then down the road, reconnected.

[Lizzyb6938]

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend during the last year of college. They'd dated for 3 years and at the end, they were just having silly fights and he had graduated, was working a lot. She was still finishing her degree and living in the dorm. They had reached two different spots in life and broke up. No cheating, no lying, just ran out of steam. They both went on to date new people over the next few years (and didn't keep in touch during this time). 3 years later, both single at ths time, he sent her an christmas card with a note asking how she was, etc. Fast foward a few months, they meet up, reconnect and begin to slowly date again (slow is the key). Fast forward again, they are married with a few kids, and seemingly quite happy.

 

Now, situations like this are rare, and it takes the fact that both still have respect for the other person and there was no grand betrayal.

 

But, that being said, if you are holding onto hope that his will happen, you are keeping yourself in neutral. The key for this working in this situation was that they broke up, went NC, healed, moved on with their lives, and then down the road, reconnected.

 

That's kind of the situation happening with my bf and myself. We've been together 2.5 years and are going through transitioning phases of our lives- finishing uni, he's about to start med (which is apparently hell on earth the first year) and i'm trying to get a job interstate. We love one another so much but it's going to be so hard next year. We've broken up not because of lack of love but because our paths are just leading us different directions. We both think that we're 'the one' for one another but the timing is just so off and we've both got so far to go in our careers ahead of us. I think love is letting go sometimes, so you can both pursue your own dreams. I honestly still do see him in my future though and so does he. If a second chance arises in a year or two when i come back then I would definately be there with bells on I think.

[northstar1]

That's kind of the situation happening with my bf and myself. We've been together 2.5 years and are going through transitioning phases of our lives- finishing uni, he's about to start med (which is apparently hell on earth the first year) and i'm trying to get a job interstate. We love one another so much but it's going to be so hard next year. We've broken up not because of lack of love but because our paths are just leading us different directions. We both think that we're 'the one' for one another but the timing is just so off and we've both got so far to go in our careers ahead of us. I think love is letting go sometimes, so you can both pursue your own dreams. I honestly still do see him in my future though and so does he. If a second chance arises in a year or two when i come back then I would definately be there with bells on I think.

 

That's tough. But yes, sometimes both need to pursue their own paths, and if you try and hold someone back, it never works. As long as you both live your own lives, it may just happen again down the road, all things being equal. So much can happen in those years, so you never know where you will both be at. Enjoy your own life and then see where you are both at down the road.

[Eyeofthoth]

"He doesn't want a broken woman (which you will be if you hold out). He will want a strong, confident, self-assured woman. You can't be that if you hold out.... "

 

Thanks CG. I know all this of course. I am holding out hope but I would never hang my future on it.

 

Also somewhat ironically I saw him about a month ago and he did not seem to be doing very emotionally. I probably actually got points during that encounter for being stronger than he is

 

When I say I don't like anyone else I meet because they are not him, I don't really mean that, because I think my heart is totally open to meeting someone else I really like. In fact, I am a totally open-hearted person in general, which is why I would take him back if I could make that happen. But I have just not met anyone else I like enough to pursue seriously.

 

The "convent" thing was symbolic. Since I am just not meeting anyone and dating is a lot of work, I am considering focusing on my career for awhile (since it seriously needs a jump start anyway). This will probably help my self-confidence.

 

I'm not young though. If I stop dating and focus on my career, I feel like that will just end romance for me forever. . .

 

Hence the convent analogy.

[Eyeofthoth]

I have to say though -- how can it possibly work out between him and his ex when instead of growing as an individual person while they were apart he spent most of the two years with me?

 

Of course, I am an awesome catalyst for growth just due to my incredibly wise nature. He would actually agree with this, I know.

 

It kills me that maybe what happened is that I grew him up and and after all that hard work he left me for her.

 

Makes him a child then if that is true.

 

Just rambling now . . . sorry

 

I feel so . . .

[Sysyphus28]

The best doesn't keep you on a back burner for 6 months

The best doesn't make you think of ways to get them back

The best wouldn't have you posting on a coping website to feel better!

The best wouldn't have ripped your heart out

The best wouldn't have been so selfish and self-centered

The best would be with you right now holding you

The best would have brought you flowers and realized how awesome you were

 

F this dude.

Get happy now, what are you waiting for? Him?

An old love that left you.

Sounds like a microwave dinner when you can go out and get some filet mignot.

 

Geez. 6 months. I am so glad I am still hoping my ex-ghost will come back to life. F her and F her "love". Do you really want another try at something that didn't work? Isn't his behavior indicative of the future?

Go to dunkin donuts, get some coffee, and wake up.

Self-preservation and sanity!! Not the same old Bull**** with a new name.

[Eyeofthoth]

Hmmm. Thanks for helping me work this out Sisyphus:

 

The best doesn't keep you on a back burner for 6 months

 

He hasn't done that. He made the, according to him agonizingly hard, decision to break up with me and although he really wanted to keep our friendship, he hasn't contacted me since the break-up unless I have contacted him first, in which case he has always responded immediately. He says he really misses me, but he knows it would be wrong to keep me as a "back-up plan" like some people do.

 

The best doesn't make you think of ways to get them back

 

That is my problem. He isn't making me do that I am doing it myself because I choose to.

 

The best wouldn't have you posting on a coping website to feel better!

 

Again: My choice. He would be there to comfort me if I asked him to, but I know that would be a mistake.

 

The best wouldn't have ripped your heart out

 

I don't know. That could be true. But did the course of True Love ever run smooth?

 

The best wouldn't have been so selfish and self-centered

 

I don't know what to think about this one either -- He was a total giver in the relationship -- and then he left because he wasn't sure he was in for the long haul (my life is very complicated, so can I really blame him for this?) and he had a ghost to work out himself. I think he made a mistake, but he never promised to stay forever, so what has he really done wrong here?

 

The best would be with you right now holding you

 

Well -- the "perfect" would be doing that. But there is no perfect.

 

The best would have brought you flowers and realized how awesome you were

 

He did do that -- many times.

 

 

Again -- Where is this filet mignon? I am all over it if it is out there.

 

I agree most with Movingonandon, who said this:

 

don't want to rain on anybody's parade, but the "we are the prize" mantra is kind of silly. Now i understand that it is *partially* true and a good coping mechanism, but nobody is perfect. I also think that I am a prize, but to take this to an extreme and an excuse to avoid self-reflection and analysis of my role of how things fell apart is just not learning anything and getting ready for a new failure.

 

 

Related, I also find the chant that "there is someone out there that's the Real Deal for me" to also be some sort of silly. they will not be better or worse than our ex, just different. So putting all hopes on finding Ms/Mr Right really means refusing to work on our own happiness. Nobody can and should take care of our needs. Anybody we meet will have their own issues and hangups to deal with. any relationship sooner or later bumps into serious problems. the only difference is if people choose to learn how to deal with them with each other, or wait for different people to learn to deal with them with...

 

Second chances can work - regardless of the circumstances of the breakup - if both parties want it, and more importantly - have developed as individuals during considerable time apart. If this happens, then who dumped who becomes irrelevant. Obviouslky, this takes a lot of work and self awareness, so many people choose not to do it.