subtitled Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 hello.. i'm having issues with reliability. Are men generally unreliable, or is it just unfortunate that every single male i've ever cared about or felt something for has been very unreliable? I dunno you might've read something about this guy who works in a cd store that i was going to give a mixcd to in another post.. the "young and inexperienced" topic.. well, i gave it to him yesterday, and i thought wow, he's really into it, and said he'd bring the cd he'd promised me (for like two weeks but we hadn't seen eachother) in today. I turned up and he'd forgotten it and it was like all my insecurities from past experiences about being stood up, rejected, or just kind of passed over, had welled up inside and although this was a tiny issue... it felt huge. Representative of every other experience with a guy i had ever had. It sounds so tortured, but i find myself always going all out for people and never getting anything in return and it's hard not to get disillusioned by it, even if the simple reason why people aren't responding is because they don't have the same feelings Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 there are men out there who are reliable and who will give back what you are giving. you will be ok just take care of yourself and it will happen! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 reliability... what's that? A very admirable quality; an endangered human virtue right up there with integrity, honesty and generosity. Link to post Share on other sites
C1 Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 One way to avoid these feelings is to give only to those who give to you. And pass the unreliable ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 Let giving be its own satisfaction. "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed." -Bejamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac Kahlil wrote a nice piece on the subject of giving in his classic, "The Prophet." To read it free of charge and advertisements, go here: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran5.html I strongly recommend you get the entire book. It was written many years ago but it is still truly great. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 I take nothing away from Ben Franklin or our current philosophers, but it is our own aboriginal people who coined the virtue of "true" generosity. Among the Lakota people who I was so fortunate to spend many years with, the Wopila (many thanks) ceremony is an ancient tradition still practiced among indigenous people today. "You give without counting through fingers," Mary White Buffalo taught me. I've seen people in absolute poverty on the reservation toss the keys to their only vehicle to total strangers during these "give away" ceremonies and expect nothing in return! Among these beautiful people, honor comes to those who keep nothing for themselves. You'd be surprised at just how contagious generosity can be when you witness it in its purest form! Link to post Share on other sites
C1 Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 We do need something in return, love, appreciation. What's this idea of giving? That's how we end up in abusive relationships, when we forget about our own good. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 Think you've missed the point, C1, this isn't about a love relationship that subtitled is in, this is about giving someone a gift, and the thread has progressed to speak of giving in the true spirit of a 'gift'; that of expecting nothing in return. The fact that subtitled has interpreted this as a rejection, is the point we are trying to correct; that sometimes we shouldn't always expect to receieve something in return, and subtitled should certainly not read as deeply into this as her insecurity is allowing her to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted September 4, 2003 Author Share Posted September 4, 2003 i understand what you're saying and these words are so wise! the thing was, that i didn't really ever want the cd in return. It wasn't the material act of giving that i ever intended to mean anything. It was the idea of making him a mix cd, taking thought and thinking about what would make him happy and giving him some part of me... and his reaction was sort of nonchalant like it didn't mean much.. when it meant so much to me. It is true, i shouldn't have expected anything in return, but i just hoped that maybe he would offer some emotional response to it, symbolically through returning the favour, although the actual material cd means nothing to me. forgetting the cd (he forgot again today actually ) just indicated to me that he really didn't care about it and so it was disappointing. i think i'll take what you've said and attempt to change my perspective a bit. I have a habit of having high expectations, also a symptom of being slightly over-analytical. It's hard to stop thinking to much... sometimes i wish i could drill a hole in my skull and let it all drain out. Get rid of that Super Ego conscience thing they all talk about... then i could give and never worry about what people thought and felt in return. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 Over analytical? I know that one, you have to really train yourself to stop!!! Put away that microscope subtitled, the lens is warped!! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 Hey Subtitled! A little secret for you…. EVERY person has felt at some point in their life the same way you are now. And the more generous, caring and giving the person, the deeper their personal wounds. I absolutely understand what you are trying to say. Many people “give” and do things for others NOT because they want return favors, sometimes they’re not even looking for a “thank you.” It’s when the people you help seem indifferent, sometimes expectant and often even resentful. I’ve had many conversations with people who are bitter because they went out of their way to help someone, only to have that friend or family member do something hurtful or say something terrible about them in return. It happens all the time. When it comes to people, “generosity” is a virtue easier learned than “gratitude” because we risk no pride. And people who spend their lives giving and helping others often have a more difficult time then most when it comes to asking or accepting help in return…even when they need it. And when it comes to “gratitude,” how often do we actually sit down and take inventory of all the positive things in our life while we are griping about all the things we are unhappy about? You should never stop being the wonderful, generous and caring person that you are. It’s in your nature. But don’t allow your disappointment in others to turn you into a martyr. Never give what you can’t afford to lose and never expect a darn thing in return…even if it’s just a simple friendship. Your “payback” will come not from those you give to, but rather in other unexpected ways. Karma is always reliable! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 expecting nothing in return is great. but, if you want people to respect you, you won't keep on giving if you're being mistreated in return - this is especially true for men. read "why men love bitches"! lovely little book - it oversimplifies things drastically, but makes some VERY good points. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted September 15, 2003 Author Share Posted September 15, 2003 well... most of the wisdom you gave actually worked..! i gave up, had no expectations what so ever. i thought i had been totally relegated to the "err not her again" basket. so.. i avoided the person in question for most of last week. then on the friday, i wanted to buy two cds i had been pining after all week but had been to shy to get, and i went to the store, was looking through cd racks and he comes up behind and goes "hey" "i have the cd for you" !! i dont even care about the stupid cd! i was just so excited that he rememeberd when i hadn't acknowledged him for a week and all the other times he'd forgotten and i hadn't even really thought about him all week. then when he was putting the cd i actually wanted to buy through the machine, he said "thanks again for the cd you made me.. i've... (shy smile thing) been listening to it ... yeh.. i'm.. you got me back into pink floyd. Syd barret is a legend." and i couldn't believe it! he had been listening to the mix cd i made him.. GASP... never in my wildest dreams. crazy. this whole fate thing's killing me. heh. the week i ignore him, he shows himself up to be a sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiegone Posted September 15, 2003 Share Posted September 15, 2003 He likely meant to bring you the cd he promised but got distracted and forgot it, then was embarrassed that he forgot. People do this all the time - I'm a big sinner in that regard. It is a mistake to expect that people will behave exactly the way you want them to on the schedule that you expect. This is a good lesson in baggage. You take some slight transgression on the part of one person and assume that's a sign that they will subesquently behave in future the way others have before him. You absolutely must judge each person on his or her own merits and not extrapolate past experience to every person in your future. If all humans were exactly alike, you could jump to those conclusions but they aren't and you have to remember that in your dealings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted September 16, 2003 Author Share Posted September 16, 2003 that was really insightful. thankyou if i could stop myself from thinking/speculating.. i would. i wish i cold just live in the present without inhibitions rather than in the past and have so many hang-ups. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 I was going to write something insightful and meaningful about men and reliability but....hey a butterfly! Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 ! ! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts