My NEW BF children

[marlynshopgrl]

Ive been dating someone for almost four months, he has two four year old (M/F) and they "my" sweet children, but our problem is (I believe) that I haven't had children and HE had children late in life (he's currently 47).

 

His kids are at times (more than not) loud, boisterous, unruly and undisciplined. He lets them get away with anything, and when he RARELY says "no" if they even whimper he just gives in. For example we went to dinner yesterday, they yelled while they sang songs, jumped on the seats, ran around the restaurant while climbing on the booth, the little boy took his shoes off and ran around without them even after repeated plea's from his father to put them on. She climbed on the chair to look over to the other people as she shouted at them hello and then hide behind the booth. In the car the hit the back of the seat, yell (example scream QUACK QUACK, over and over again) and he does nothing. I know Ive never had children but I was raised where children were to be seen and not heard. My mother taught us that we were to be polite and respectful at all times. I remember seeing parents with unruly children and wondering what type of parents would let their kids get away with murder! He holds a high position professional, has a college degree and is exceptionally sweet man, so this is NOT a dumb undisciplined person. His marriage was horrible, his ex is just plain lazy and he in return is the most loving father I know. He truly is one of those men that would do anything for his kids, anything that is but discipline them. He does not realize that setting boundaries and limitation IMHO is not only loving but a benefit to his children and to their future. Am I wrong? If I am I can truly accept it. If not how do I tell him, or do I just end it! I don't want to end it, but when I'm with them I feel as though I can barely breathe, and that certainly isn't good for either party.

[Mary3]

The kids behavior in the restauraunt is out of control. I have seen MANY families with kids that sit politely in doctor offices , restauraunts and everywhere else. They respect their parents for the most part and try to please their parents with good public behavior. These kids are acting wild because they are ALLOWED to act wild !

 

I would step in the next time Johhny reaches over and smacks a patron eating dinner and take his hand and freeze it in mid air with a strong authoritian voice " NO Johnny , keep your hands in your lap , sorry Ma''am for Johnnys behavior and tell him when he gets home he will immediately go to his room.

 

If the father does not want you butting in you need to say " :Listen I know you love these kids but you allowing them to act like banshees in a public restaraunt and that cannot be tolerated. Since you cant control your kids I am going to step in " If he gets angry , then tell him good luck raising those kids and walk out.

[norajane]

The kids are acting wild because they've never been taught not to. No one taught them how to behave in public, or how to be courteous to other people.

 

They are behaving in their natural boisterous state, absent any guidance to the contrary. It's not their fault - how would they know how to behave in different situations if no one teaches them?

 

Perhaps reading some articles on teaching kids might help him understand better. Is his mother or a sister around? Maybe they could give him some guidance on the role that teaching has in parenting.

[BareGoddess]

I feel for you. This was a huge issue in my first year of marriage. It's sad how parents feel so guilty because they divorced so they over compensate and spoil their kids rotten. They just feel so guilty all the time.

 

I had to get really tough with my H even before we were married. But it didn't get fixed overnight. I had to keep at it.

 

Also the thing about reading articles/books was a very good suggestion. I did that and kept shoving the material in my H's face.

 

Little by little he began to see. Also, after we were married I took over much of the discipline before I turned it back over to him and stepped back. It worked.

 

You just have to really get tough. Tell him, for example, that you will no longer go out to dinner with him and the kids if he can't get them under control. Mean it and stick to it.

 

Good luck. This is not for everyone and it's never, never easy.

[You'reasian]

Parents are afraid of disciplining their children.

[BareGoddess]

Parents are afraid of disciplining their children.

 

Not quite. I find that those parents who divorce are though. Those of us who have kids that have a mother and father who are still married to one another and are happy, have no problem disciplining and staying on the same page...for the most part.

 

It's seems to be those who are divorced that seem to, sadly and unfortunately, have the problem with disciplining their children.

[Lizzie60]

When parents are divorced, most of the time, they're not on the same page as far as disciplining the children..

 

They both feel guilty, especially the one parent who doesn't get the children as often.. in this case, the father.. He doesn't want to discipline the children.. when he only sees them a few days a month... I can't blame him.

 

As Norajane said, it's not the kids' fault... they don't know how to behave is no one has teached them how...

 

It's NOT your business to discipline them.. it's the parents'...

 

It's hard for someone who has not experienced being a parent to understand what it's like to have children..

 

Childless people think it's very easy to discipline children.. it's NOT... especially when the two parents are not on the same page, and not in the same house..

 

If you can't stand the children in public.. just don't take them ... for now.. wait till they are old enough to behave.. they're only 4... and to think that a four year old can behave like a 10 year old is a big mistake..

 

Or maybe, next time, bring them some 'small toys' they can play with... legos.. colouring books... etc..

[marlynshopgrl]

Thank you everyone, I truly felt it was me. On the way to the movies today I expressed my concerns again, and told him I just didn't know if I could deal with the kids. We had a couple of words, and he stated they were in rare form (rare form? they're like that all the time) then went on to say they had a card candy and must be wired, I stated "Darling, its not the candy". He went on to tell me, that "these kids are my life" and I got angry, as if I was asking for him to choose! I was offended at his statement, and told him so. I admire that he is such an active participant (he goes above and beyond) in his children's lives and that I personally never had that in my life so I love that about him but he needs to put his foot down. I swear it goes in one ear and straight out the other.

 

I've never been in the presence of children behaving so badly, and people must think THESE ARE MY children and that I don't care because I just sit there cringing my teeth. I truly don't care what other people think about ME, but these are two four year old who can are disturbing others peaceful enjoyment of their time out.

 

This is so new to me! And I don't know what to do, or is it to early for me to do ANYTHING. Furthermore, I don't think its my place "at the moment", we've only been dating 3 and a half "MONTHS".

[BareGoddess]

I just wanted to add that after 4 months of dating it's surely not your place to discipline them at all. You must only speak to your b/f about this.

 

Now after you're married it's a whole other story. I had the right and I surely did set boundaries and limits on my stepson.

 

And guess what? It all worked out great.

 

But trust me, this can take years to work out. Four months is nothing. That's why I said this is not for everyone.

 

In fact, did you know that most of these relationships fail? Yep, they do. I can't remember the percentage exactly but it's over 60% if not higher of relationships where kids from a previous relationship are involved, that fail. Not too promising I'm afraid.

[Lizzie60]

This is so new to me! And I don't know what to do, or is it to early for me to do ANYTHING. Furthermore, I don't think its my place "at the moment", we've only been dating 3 and a half "MONTHS".

 

It's been less than 4 months and you can't stand the kids.. my advice.. LEAVE him.. move on..

 

It's not easy when the gf or the bf has young children.. it's a very touchy situation.. and IMO you won't change him.. it will only put stress in your life.. and do you really need that?

 

I have NEVER been able to stay in a relationship with a partner who had younger children.. I just DON'T want to have to 'tolerate' children that have parents who will NOT put their foot down and TRY to discipline their children.. I just don't have the patience to go through this..

 

So.. now.. when the person has young children.. it's simply a no-no for a relationship..

[BareGoddess]

I hate to say it but if God forbid I was ever, ever in a situation where I was dating again and single, I'd steer clear of men with kids. It's too hard. And I would never try to make it work again. I'd run like the wind the other way.

 

That said though, I don't regret it. I mean I met the man I want to spend my life with and it so happened he had a son that he had 50% of the time.

 

I just would never have the stomach or fortitude to do it again. I've done it twice and it was tough both times. Very, very tough.

 

But it CAN be done. You just have to have a tremendous amount of patience and strength. And you also have to have a partner who is reasonable and willing to listen to your point of view.

[You'reasian]

Not quite. I find that those parents who divorce are though. Those of us who have kids that have a mother and father who are still married to one another and are happy, have no problem disciplining and staying on the same page...for the most part.

 

It's seems to be those who are divorced that seem to, sadly and unfortunately, have the problem with disciplining their children.

 

What about when they were married?

 

I can understand the justification for not disciplining a child, sadly, to win the favor over the other parent after divorce.

[Mary3]

I was not aware it was 4 months .

 

But still , am I correct you want to marry this guy ? If you do , why can't you put your foot down when 2 little kids are acting outrageous in a public place ? I consider discipline ( not hitting a child ) but gaining control of the situation when Papa obviously is looking the other way when his kids dump some food on a patrons lap.

 

We have all seen the kids in the mall having temper tantrums. How does it make the mom feel , the kids having it and the audience of ppl who are watching the tantrum unfold ? ( Ask yourself that because they are young and kids that age do have a tendancy to act out )

 

Maybe I am alone in my point here but if you are going to marry this man why do you have to wait til *I DO* to get those kids under control. I think keeping your mouth shut and opening on your honeymoon when the kids are jumping on your bed is a HUGE mistake.

 

My main point is NOW is the time ( if this is your husband to be right ) to say something ( I realize you have ) but where are the boundaries here for these kids ? There are NONE . You can create a few ( if ) this man is going to be your husband.

 

Another way to look at it : In the minds of two 4 year olds. " Hey she just lets us do what we want, dad lets us do what we want , no consequences . Hey dad just married that lady and now we are being punished ??

[marlynshopgrl]

Im not looking at this man after almost 4 months of dating as THE MAN Im going to marry. Im getting to know him and his life, we are both in the process of gathering information on ea. other. My lord we havent even said the "Love You" words to each other.

 

I agree w BareGoddess it is WAY to soon for me to address discipline issues with HIS children. I might say something gently as "little ladies dont yell" or "if you dont put your shoes on the BIG manager is going to ask us to leave", but that's it. These are NOT my children, and I just met this man. They are the love of his life, this is truly like walking on egg shells. Never the less, I just dont think this is a situation someone that has never had children should get involved with. Thank you all for your help. Its sad, but I think I will move on. I deserve more, and he certainly deserves someone that can understand his situation and what it is to be a single parent.

[Brimstone_Angel]

Marlyn, its not your fault, and has everything to do with his parenting techniques. It could be because he had them so late in life that he may be overwhelmed with everything going on. It could be he did not like how his parents disciplined him and have decided to go against it. Or he just may not be a strong disciplinarian (My aunty's dad was like that. He even had her fake a spanking that her mother sent her to him for.).

 

What can you do. Some professionals might tell you that you have no say in this. DON'T YOU DARE LISTEN TO THEM. If you and this man are deciding to stay together, you inherit everything that comes with him, that includes his kids. Now, what you can do is talk to him and the wife at the same time and work out your role in their lives. Especially on the discipline level. I tell people this all the time, especially a single woman with a child. If this child is coming out with us or is going to be hanging at my place, or I am going to do the things that a relative would do for a child, you can bet I am going to have a say in what they do. This does not mean I ignore her, if anything, I clear ALL my actions with her first. But, that is what I would do even if I were married and the children were of my own blood.

 

There is away to do everything. It is a matter of being wise and understanding in doing what needs to be done.

[Mary3]

Im not looking at this man after almost 4 months of dating as THE MAN Im going to marry. Im getting to know him and his life, we are both in the process of gathering information on ea. other. My lord we havent even said the "Love You" words to each other.

 

I agree w BareGoddess it is WAY to soon for me to address discipline issues with HIS children. I might say something gently as "little ladies dont yell" or "if you dont put your shoes on the BIG manager is going to ask us to leave", but that's it. These are NOT my children, and I just met this man. They are the love of his life, this is truly like walking on egg shells. Never the less, I just dont think this is a situation someone that has never had children should get involved with. Thank you all for your help. Its sad, but I think I will move on. I deserve more, and he certainly deserves someone that can understand his situation and what it is to be a single parent.

 

My apologies for assuming you were marrying...I didn't realize there were no *I love you's...yet..

 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make regarding this man.

[marlynshopgrl]

Thank you Mary3, but we took the kids to the movies on Saturday and the sh*& it the fan (speaking bluntly) they were very well behaved while we watched Madagascar, but before OH MY GOD!!! They were wild in the car, yelling and screaming, OMG!!!! We talked about it again, and he went and said "These are the most important thing in my life", I took offense to that, as if I were asking him to choose!!! I would never, and for him to say that, I was just so angry.

 

It hasn't been the same since then, so I am not sure if there is even anything left. I can only leave it in Gods hands.