Am I just a 40 year old selfish narcicist

[Carol Webb]

I have two scenario's that I need your advice.

 

Is it ok or normal for my mother to do this to me.

 

My only brother was killed in a car wreck when he was 18 right after graduation, I was age 14. One car accident/alcohol involved friend passenger wasn't killed.

 

Parents divorced 1 1/2 years after that.

 

Mom came to the car after a doctor's appt one day and said that she was so mad: She said "You won'l believe what that doctor told me.." She said, "He told me that you (me) was the reason that she was not getting any better emotionally because I wouldn't open up and talk to her or let her talk to me.

 

Parents got remarried three years after that.

 

For my wedding, while my mom, my mother and law and me were shopping and picking out flowers for the wedding, my mom announces to us that she is going to be ordering flowers for my brothers for the cemetery "for my wedding."

 

Ok, what ya think.

Am I too sensitive?

[Trialbyfire]

Scenario #1: Your mother has diarrhea of the mouth. As if you weren't grieving for your brother and only her grief matters. Why wasn't there family counselling involved?

 

Having said that, was there any reason why you couldn't share your grief? Is this something that needs to be addressed?

 

Scenario #2: Your mother has no right to allocate those funds to something like this, if the money is yours, without your permission. If your parents are paying for your wedding, they can order and allocate all the flowers they want. I'm curious though, why do you resent this?

[amaysngrace]

When your brother died the whole family dynamic changed so there really isn't a cut and dry definition on how you each should feel your feelings. You were all grieving and there is no right or wrong way to do that IMO.

 

I can't really comment on the flowers. It may have been your mom's way of wishing he were there to see you and expressing how much she missed him.

 

Like I said before there is no text-book way to grieve.

 

Is there more to the story than this because I sure hope you haven't strained the relationship with your mother over an insensitive statement she made to you when she was overly sensitive?

 

Loss of a child is the most painful experience one can have. So say the experts.

[Trialbyfire]

Carol, I might be out of line but did you feel abandoned in some way by your parents, after your brother died?

[norajane]

For my wedding, while my mom, my mother and law and me were shopping and picking out flowers for the wedding, my mom announces to us that she is going to be ordering flowers for my brothers for the cemetery "for my wedding."

 

Ok, what ya think.

Am I too sensitive?

 

My guess is she was thinking of your brother, how he will never have a wedding, and it made her sad. It's no reflection on her feelings for you or for your wedding. It's her having a moment of sadness for the death of her child.

 

My mother lost her brother in a hunting accident when he was in his early 20's. My grandmother was never able to not think about her son at every special occasion or family gathering. The hole in their hearts and lives and the sorrow of mothers over their lost children just never goes away.

 

The flowers are her symbolic gesture to keep him close during this special time of yours, as part of the family.

[Carol Webb]

Scenario #1: Your mother has diarrhea of the mouth. As if you weren't grieving for your brother and only her grief matters. Why wasn't there family counselling involved?

 

Having said that, was there any reason why you couldn't share your grief? Is this something that needs to be addressed?

 

Scenario #2: Your mother has no right to allocate those funds to something like this, if the money is yours, without your permission. If your parents are paying for your wedding, they can order and allocate all the flowers they want. I'm curious though, why do you resent this?

 

No there was no family counseling...I don't know why, I just know that my mother slept all the time mixed alcohol and prescription sleeping pills, and my dad started seeing someone else.

 

I would come home day after day and see her in my brothers room where she had placed a rocking chair and sit and cry.

 

I could not deal with this emotionally and blocked everything out. My dad told my mom that he was leaving "us" and that all she did was sleep all the time.

 

By the way, my parents paid for the whole wedding....(I know I should be ashamed of myself for getting angry. It wasn't that I didn't want them to order flowers it was that she had to announce and let me know that she was going to....why did she have to tell me?

 

It made me sad to have to think about him "having died" on such a wonderful time in my life and I resent her for not thinking about me instead of herself. I don't have to be reminded of my brother, I do this on my own all the time..that she doesn't realize....I guess she doesn't believe this since she has been known to send me flowers on my brothers birthday. She said once that she sent them because she didn't know if I rememberd or not.

[amaysngrace]

It wasn't that I didn't want them to order flowers it was that she had to announce and let me know that she was going to....why did she have to tell me?

 

I resent her for not thinking about me instead of herself.

 

I don't have to be reminded of my brother, I do this on my own all the time..that she doesn't realize.....

 

Hey Carol. I think when she told you she was ordering flowers on your wedding day it was her way of opening up the conversation that was long overdue. She probably hoped it'd get you to talk about it.

 

My oldest brother died in an accident when he was eighteen too. He drowned in the Navy. I was only three at the time but my oldest sister said sometimes she'd come home from school and my mom would just be vacuuming the same spot on the carpet over and over again with tears streaming down her face.

 

It affected all of us. My mom especially. She zoned out for years after that. As a result I wandered the neighborhood and actually use to score meals from some people I regularly visited. Lunch, not dinner. I guess she cooked dinner? I don't know. Anyway I made a friend with an older man I use to visit and he ended up molesting me. I was around six or seven....I don't remember. Needless to say I couldn't speak up about it. I guess I didn't feel as if I had anyone to listen or care even.

 

So I know how you feel.

 

The thing is this has taken it's toll on you. It's been carried by you singlehandedly through the years and at a young age you decided you can't open up to her. I completely understand.

 

But people change. Time has passed and maybe enough that perhaps you should have that long overdue conversation with your mom. Speak up to her about how you feel. Maybe go see her and take out pictures of your brother. Maybe take one for yourself to keep?

 

Try your best to forgive your mom. She was engulfed in heartache at the time. Yes she should have snapped out of it for your sake but she didn't. That time in your life shaped you into who you are today. You were a teenager and teenagers by definition are self-absorbed and selfish. So it makes sense that you still identify with being selfish. Your growth was stunted at the time.

 

But I'm sure there are positive ways you were shaped by it too. Maybe you are very self-reliant? Maybe you can detach yourself emotionally from bad situations? Maybe you are very responsible? I don't know. I'm not you.

 

Please make time for your mom. Just because you two didn't speak then doesn't mean you cannot speak now. It's long overdue.

 

XO

[Ronni_W]

Carol.

Your mom's doctor was way out of line (if s/he actually said that.) No matter the circumstances, you are not responsible for anyone else's emotional healing and grief work. A good doctor would have suggested grief counseling or therapy as the appropriate course of treatment for your mom.

 

YOU get to decide if and when you want to talk about your brother's death, and with whom. And everyone else gets to respect your decision.

 

My guess is that there is been much more emphasis placed on your dead brother than on your alive self. It is tough to compete with a ghost, and live up to their after-death fantasy of everything that your brother was and was gonna be. Not that he wasn't terrific...just that in death we can turn them into things that they never were.

 

It was YOUR big day and, within the family dynamics, Brother still managed to get star billing. That's NOT the truth of it, of course. But I can see how your mind would have perceived it like that.

 

My guess is that if they had been seeing, understanding and celebrating you all along (as they should have been), then you would have been as happy to include Brother by putting some flowers on his grave.

 

You may have become over-sensitive about this due to how your parents have coped with your brother's death -- I don't know...what do you think?

[Carol Webb]

To reply to the comment about was there family counseling. No there wasn't. My mom shortly after the death started mixing alcohol and sleeping pills and slept through the days....my dad got tired of this and left. Mom is the one that told me that he has left "us."

 

I would come home after school and she would be in my brothers room rocking in a rocking chair crying......

 

My dad remarried and was out of the picture for the most part.

 

A health problem that I had that was present before my brother died continually worsened. I was not telling my mom about the increased pain and physcial duress that I was in because I didn't want to worry her any more and she had enough to cope with already.

 

It wasn't until one of my mom's friends inadvertantly asked her how I was feeling when once on a band trip the bus driver had to pull over so that i could get some antacid medicine.

 

My mom asked me and that is when things got really anxious for both of us. My mom did take me to a psychologist to try and get me to mentally get ok so that my physical health would improve.. My condition was past the point of no return at that time.

 

Now my mother had to deal with the possibility that i could die and lose me. My condition was ulcerative colitis and I was hemorraging and they couldn't stop the bleeding. I was forced to cope with embarrassment as friends, church etc would ask me questions about my apparent health decline...what was I supposed to say" that I **** gallons of blood when I go to the bathroom.." I would try to talk to my mother about my depression and fears of possibly having to have a colostomy but I couldn't because I did not feel I could talk to her about the embarrassment of the fact that I would never have a boyfriend if I had a colostomy because she was a parent that sex was not discussed.

 

I was extremely and cruelly made fun of in my younger years by my uncle and cousins in my family about being fat...I later on lost all of the baby fat but the scars are still there, anyway I said that to say this....the only medication that would help the bleeding ulcers was prednisone which by this time I was 16 and of course I blew up like a balloon because if anyone knows anything about this drug you retain water.....

 

I was mortified to be fat again..........

 

End of story is that I ended up having my entire colon (large intestive)removed out of state by a special surgeion who had perfected the type of surgery that I had and prevented me from having to have a colostomy.

 

I know this in itself, I owe my mom because she saw to it that I got the help I need....to mention that this is when my mom and dad got back together because my illness brought them around...

 

 

Happy story,there I was glad....

 

Everything was great until I got married,

My mom made the first negative comment that she was not happy with the fact that my husband claimed me on the taxes for that year and that she and my dad had me for the majority of that year.

 

I told her that we were able to get money back this wAY...She was ok with that then so she said.

 

She has always been a control person and even attempted at controlling my husband which to this day he has never allowed her to do.

 

Conflict again when I had my first child (son),

We all had just become aware of a girl that I went to school with that her son died of a death suspicion murger by her boyfriend who was babysitting him while she was at work....I remember her going up to my son at age 12 months or so and saying to me....let me look at my grandson to see is he has any bruises.......this hurt my feelings so bad that she would even have that thought.

 

Later when my son was about age 4 years, he came home from spending the night with my parents and he began to cry when he came home because he felt "bad" that Nee nee and papa does not have a son anymore to live with them and he had to leave them too. I confronted my mom on this because I can take her mouth but when it comes to my children that is where the line is drawn..She denied having said anything to my son about my brother and then went on to say that if she has to watch everything that she says then she probably shouldn't keep my son anymore.

 

My mom has a picture of my brother and me hugging when we were little and asked me repeatedly if I would get a picture of my son and now my daughter hugging like we were in the picture. I finally gave in because I have always tried to feed her what she needs..I took the picture had it framed and put on a mug at Walgreens. My husband thought my doing this was kind of "morbid" or weird. I guess my mom did to because after I did it and I put the picture on the wall beside me and my brother, she took me and my brother down.

 

I sent my mom flowers on my brothers birthday last year to let her know that I was thinking about her on this day. She returned the gesture and sent flowers to me as well. I really ticked me off that she sent them to me....she called to say that I got them and when I didn't say thankyou or whatever...silence seems to get her to say what is on her mind, she said well, I sent them because I didn't know if you remembered or not.

 

I can remember, someone older than me a professor or someone had commented on my brother being gone and I heard myself tell the instructor that now that I have a son, my parents have something to live for and be excited about. I continually tried to keep my parents happy and fulfilled their needs the best I can it has just never been enough. I never let them see me enough, really my mom, I never let her see the kids enough. I am tired of trying.

[Trialbyfire]

No there was no family counseling...I don't know why, I just know that my mother slept all the time mixed alcohol and prescription sleeping pills, and my dad started seeing someone else.

 

I would come home day after day and see her in my brothers room where she had placed a rocking chair and sit and cry.

 

I could not deal with this emotionally and blocked everything out. My dad told my mom that he was leaving "us" and that all she did was sleep all the time.

 

By the way, my parents paid for the whole wedding....(I know I should be ashamed of myself for getting angry. It wasn't that I didn't want them to order flowers it was that she had to announce and let me know that she was going to....why did she have to tell me?

 

It made me sad to have to think about him "having died" on such a wonderful time in my life and I resent her for not thinking about me instead of herself. I don't have to be reminded of my brother, I do this on my own all the time..that she doesn't realize....I guess she doesn't believe this since she has been known to send me flowers on my brothers birthday. She said once that she sent them because she didn't know if I rememberd or not.

Honey, you need to resolve this issue with your mother by speaking out but more importantly, resolve your brother's death inside of you. You're resenting and competing with someone who isn't alive. Your mother isn't helping one bit but I'm not certain she's capable of helping, based on what you've told us here.

 

Is there anyway you can sit your mother and your father down, and discuss all this with them? Can your father help your mother understand how she's put your brother on a pedestal? Can you understand and forgive her for losing a child, something that any parent can't fathom?

[Carol Webb]

I don't really know what you meant by this...because I feel very sorry for her and having children of my own can't say that I would not be in worse shape that she is...I can't imagine that I would do as good as she has.

 

You have to understand that in history my mother is mean hot tempered and has always been a very jealous person.

 

She has been known to take a shotgun down our street when I was little and threaten the neighbor who had the dog that came into our back yard and had our little chihuahua in its mouth.

 

I guess I should tell you at this time that I do have a mental disorder which is obsessive compulsive disorder and my mother probably has the same but manifest itself differently than mine. Anyway when I was little I lived with constant fear.

 

At one point, I didn't want to be alone with my mother, I only felt safe with my brother..this was probably n othing but just generalized anxiety because I do not think that My mother physically abused me....I went through a phase where I would give my brother gifts even when on vacation we had both our own money, I would take mine and buy him something. Weird huh, I was about age 8. He would have been 11 or so.

[amaysngrace]

Weird huh, I was about age 8. He would have been 11 or so.

 

I don't think that's weird. I think that's sweet. You obviously had a very close relationship with him.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

XO

[Carol Webb]

Carol.

Your mom's doctor was way out of line (if s/he actually said that.) No matter the circumstances, you are not responsible for anyone else's emotional healing and grief work. A good doctor would have suggested grief counseling or therapy as the appropriate course of treatment for your mom.

 

YOU get to decide if and when you want to talk about your brother's death, and with whom. And everyone else gets to respect your decision.

 

My guess is that there is been much more emphasis placed on your dead brother than on your alive self. It is tough to compete with a ghost, and live up to their after-death fantasy of everything that your brother was and was gonna be. Not that he wasn't terrific...just that in death we can turn them into things that they never were.

 

It was YOUR big day and, within the family dynamics, Brother still managed to get star billing. That's NOT the truth of it, of course. But I can see how your mind would have perceived it like that.

 

My guess is that if they had been seeing, understanding and celebrating you all along (as they should have been), then you would have been as happy to include Brother by putting some flowers on his grave.

 

You may have become over-sensitive about this due to how your parents have coped with your brother's death -- I don't know...what do you think?

 

 

THANK YOU, I feel like someone understands. Have you been able to read what I have posted lately...I'm not sure that I am doing all of this correct...I keep having to look for where you guys are responding quote verses posts. etc.

[Carol Webb]

Honey, you need to resolve this issue with your mother by speaking out but more importantly, resolve your brother's death inside of you. You're resenting and competing with someone who isn't alive. Your mother isn't helping one bit but I'm not certain she's capable of helping, based on what you've told us here.

 

Is there anyway you can sit your mother and your father down, and discuss all this with them? Can your father help your mother understand how she's put your brother on a pedestal? Can you understand and forgive her for losing a child, something that any parent can't fathom?

 

I don't know what you meant by forgive my mother for losing a child...I do not blame her, I feel her more than anyone could as I am a mother now and do know that she probably handled better than I ever would.

[jayOG]

I was speaking with my attorney and some of the best advice I have ever received was to accept people for who they are. I understand that it is extremely difficult to do so when it comes to family, because you do not have a choice in the people that make up your family. Do not feel discouraged if you feel or think differently than your mother. You must accept her for who she is and she must accept you for who you are, even if her actions are harmful to you.

 

For example, I choose friends that promote my well being and I abstain from people that are harmful. I have cut off the majority of my family. The only person I am in contact with is my mother and grandmother... I don't get along with either because we have very different perspectives, but respect them in that they respect me. In truth I would not be as successful as I am if I were to keep close family bonds. Simply because someone is blood does not mean you owe them any allegiance. A mother, father, brother, or sister earns their place. If your mom is doing the best she can to her ability to be a great mom than you owe it to her to accept her and be the best you can be. If on the other hand she is purposely being vicious and toxic than you owe her nothing, which I believe not to be the case.

 

I have cut off the majority of my family, because they were attempting to see me fail out of greed and jealousy. Not because we had differences... My mother and grandmother are both complete idiots, but they try their best. They are often counterproductive to me, but I know they do their best according to their ability. I cannot condemn them simply because we have differences. They are doing their best... I both understand and accept this. I believe that you should take into account why your mother is behaving the way she is and whether or not she is purposely harming you or if it is unintentional. If it is unintentional then let it go and accept her for who she is. I hope this helps...

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know what you meant by forgive my mother for losing a child...I do not blame her, I feel her more than anyone could as I am a mother now and do know that she probably handled better than I ever would.

No, I'm not trying to put fault or blame for the loss of the child.

 

Carol, it's never too late for family therapy. Consider it, while looking to the therapist to refer other arms-length individuals for individual therapy.