My mother hates my boyfriend

[leocell]

My mother hasn't been happy with my boyfriend for a few years now. In fact, I think she hates him. And I must say this is putting a lot of strain on my daily life and, nonetheless, my love life.

 

I don't exactly know what I am looking for by posting my problem here. It's because I know what I should do - talk to my mum and explain to her that I am not leaving her and no one is going to take me away from her or my family, and it's definitely not going to be a boyfriend. What I haven't told her is that I believe the only person who can drive me away from her is herself, and she is doing this by bossing me around, putting me down (telling me I'm careless, stupid, unobservant, tasteless, ungrateful even ugly), checking my mobile phones (calls log), tracking my whereabouts, interrogating me for details when I just want to tell her how my day went etc.

 

But, the problem is, I have already tried talking to her about this, a few times at different occasions. Not only these incidents will often end in tears, I feel that it has not improved anything. Plus, I am really losing the power to make her understand. None of my messages could get through to her. I feel very tired and powerless every time I try to discuss/explain something with/to her (anything, not just regarding my boyfriend issues, e.g. TV adverts), it's because these conversations would just get nowhere (as she would dwell into off-topic ideas). The situation would tend to be very draining and I would do the very last thing I'd normally do - give up.

 

Please understand that I can communicate to people quite well.

 

I am very very close to giving up to talk to my mother. And I really don't want to give up on my mum. The whole situation just hurts me as I love my family and I'd give everything to have them be a bit more supportive and trust me a bit more.

 

I'm 26 and currently working for a science research degree at a top university. I am living with my parents, although I really want to move out, which I think you can see why - that's another problem for me. They don't want me to go but they surely must see that I can no longer be there, I need my space (which is another thing my mother just doesn't understand. She has admitted that she doesn't know what "personal space" and "privacy" mean), right now, I don't even have my own room.

 

I'm looking for a job right now and it should pay me well enough so I can afford a place of my own. I feel so bad for wanting to move out. I know my parents thinks that I just want to get away from them (and move in with my boyfriend, which is not what I am planning, but she doesn't believe me). But that is not my motive and I just can't make her see: I really think my moving out would be good for all of us as I believe all of us needs some space and I am looking a place close (possibly walking distance) to them so I can see them easily. I really want to take care of them. They are not perfect but they really are the best parents I could have asked for. I have already guaranteed full financial support from my part (I'm their only child). And I know I would always be there for them, even if they end up hating me for loving this man my mother hates.

 

I just wish that would never happen.

 

I understand that me and my mother are very different people (although my mother believes otherwise, and when she decided to believe in that idea, nothing will change her mind). And naturally, we see things quite differently. But, I have to explain to her that my boyfriend is a good person. And I simply can't do that as she has to see it for herself. How can she see when she refuses to meet him anymore? My boyfriend knows the situation and has been trying to help (although there isn't much he can do)and he has tried to invite my parents for lunch/tea/dinner/holiday and of course, they (or my mum) refuses.

 

I can't really talk to my boyfriend over the phone since my mother would just be hovering around (she would actually sits in front of me, looking at me while I'm on the phone) and that's just awkward. She would then complain about something about my boyfriend and tell me what's not to do (in order to protect me) as me and my boyfriend are not going to last long. (We knew each other in uni and have been good friends for 8 years now and half of the time as an item) It's just stressful! I avoid to mention my bf's name as I don't have to suffer another harsh comment. It's so hard to ask/tell my mum that I'd like to spend a weekend with my bf (as my bf's not allow in my home) as it would always lead to a long discussion (a bit one-sided) about my family values.

 

I have thought of many times to end the relationship as an easy way out (yes, those a re selfish thoughts) but I just cannot do that because of my mother's influence. It wouldn't be a solution to anything. It could very well be the beginning of a disaster. Plus, this would be a totally unfair verdict to my bf, who has always been supportive and loving and has constant faith in me. I can never repay someone's love and kindness in this way. And I do love him very much. I don't have a very structured vision of a future with him but I definitely can picture one, and it's a happy one - if I tell my mother this, I really don't want to know what would happy. We also have very similar interests and we make a good team in many things. Right now, I just don't see any short-comings in our relationships that I should end it.

 

May be I should just endure another year or so and when I move out, things will fall into their places...

 

I think this message is very long already and probably a bit too long, sorry... my mind is a bit messy, I hope it makes sense.

 

Thanks so much for reading. Any comments are very welcome.

[You'reasian]

Is this a cultural thing - a function of English parenting? Or does she have a distrust for you and/or the boyfriend?

[leocell]

I don't know whether it's cultural or not. It's probably just individual personalities... But I think I can tell you that she isn't the trusting kind of person in general. And she doesn't trust me and my bf. She would take any possible opportunities to drop hints or just tell me to my face that I'm a liar, and sometimes just accused my bf a liar, for no reason, just because she feels that he is lying to me (she thinks men are all liars - she says this even my father is around . I think women can lie too)... very peculiar.

 

It might sound bad but most of the time I can cope just fine, but when I am stressed with other things in my life, like now, things at home can be quite draining.

 

I guess she's just worried that my bf is taking me around from her... I guess it's a common thing (after reading some posts here).

 

May be I should take my bf's advice - keep happy thoughts when thinking of my mother, send her more positive energies... (I find this a bit funny but he was serious LOL)

[Geishawhelk]

Your Mother is stuck.

She's stuck in motherhood.

She doesn't want you to grow up, or be independent or have your own life, because in her mind, you're still her 'little girl'.

Boyfriends?? You have got to be joking!! That means you have sex!! you can't do that!! That's not what little girls do!!

Your BF is a threat, purely and simply because he can take you away from her. He's the enemy. She can love you better.

You have a roof over your head, and everything you could possibly want.

Why go elsewhere to find it?

[leocell]

You are probably right, you might have summed her up pretty concisely there, the dark side of her anyway. And I don't know what I should do about it. Because, for sure, that's not how I want to live my life.

 

May be she is afraid of growing old as well. She doesn't like me telling others' my age and if she's there, she'll always "answer" for me first if she can... and I just found out why she does that - she doesn't want people to be able to estimate her age... I never knew my mother was like that. I was a bit surprise to find out.

 

I understand she is overprotective of me is because she loves me a lot, who wants to see their loved one being hurt. But she can't possibly protect me forever, she must know that. I have already let her know that I really don't mind getting hurt if that's what it takes to grow up. I don't think that message went to her though...

 

I don't think she is listening anymore. Can she possibly be refusing to listen/accepty?

 

I don't want to hurt her but I think I have had enough of living in a cage-like life. I really don't know how I can make her see.

 

I don't think it is wrong for me wanting to grow up? How could she not want her daughter to grow up?! That means I will NEVER be able to live on my own! And growing up doesn't mean leaving my parents at all, I think it means we kind of swap our roles a little and I can take care of them now, which I am doing already, for quite a while now.

 

Why my bf would be a problem?

 

Thanks for the thoughts Geishawhelk

[Geishawhelk]

I am in no way attempting to disparage or insult your mother at all, but I think there may be a psychological problem that you alone - in fact, especially you - cannot ever hope to get to the bottom of, let alone understand and redress.

All parents have issues about their children growing up, having sex, leaving home, making their own way in Life.

But in all honesty? I think your mother has some very seriously extreme views and might well be in need of a level of professional help.

I've never met or known a situation like this one before.

Heck, I don't know this one! How can anyone, after a few words written on a web-page?

But it seems to be a matter that is certainly beyond the scope of unskilled people to be able to decipher or assist.

 

I'm not suggesting this to encourage you to be callous, uncaring, deceitful or unfeeling, but - I think, to all intents and purposes, you have to fulfil your dreams and carry out your plans without your mother's knowledge or input.

I think she needs to wake up one day for her to find that you're moving out.

Now. It's for you to evaluate exactly what this would do to her, but she's already sounding (by what you say) irrational and distinctly obsessive.

But much as you love her, you can't heal or change her. She's her own person, and must ultimately accept responsibility for what she thinks/says/does. You can't 'fix' her, make it all better, or enable her to 'see' what she simply, steadfastly refuses to 'see'.

 

This is an awful predicament for you, and I wish you well.

[leocell]

Thank you very much again Geishawhelk. Your comment is very useful.

 

Although, as you said, you don't know the whole situation, what you've said in your post is very relevent to what I am experiencing. (I tried to summarised my whole problem in one post and it ended up a very long post and it's probably a bit random as my thoughts are quite messy. Thanks for reading it)

 

I think myself have to except I can't do everything. I am still willing to try, I mean, she is my own mother, I love her and I really don't want to see her in such distress because of my doing. But I must see that there is a limit to what I can do.

 

You see, I have never really discussed about my problems, esp family problems, with anyone before, as my mother has made this clear that they are family issues and they stay within the family, otherwise, I would be shaming the family. And I have agreed to her wish. So I have been quite bottled up for a long time. This forum is wonderful as I can at last express my thoughts freely as an annoymous and get valuable thoughts from people like you Geishawhelk.

 

Thank you.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, certainly, they do say that a problem shared is a problem halved.... Better out than in..... Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs....

 

I've yet to find an adage or saying that recommends you bottle it up and not discuss it.

 

In order for you to maybe better understand just where your mum is 'coming from'.... it might help you to know exactly that.

If her opinion is that family issues should remain internalised, then you're unlikely to ever fully know how she spent her youth, or what her relationship with her parents was like. Chances are there may well have been huge goings-on there that you are completely unaware of.

Nor should you necessarily know about them. That may never be your right or privilege. Anjd there is nothing you'd be able to do about it anyway. Assuming there IS 'anything to be done'.

But a person's roots can be their whole conditioning. And if your mum was 'programmed' to be a certain way, to think a certain way and to act in a cetain way - then nobody but she, can do anything about it.

 

You can't get 'inside her'. But you can step outside of the vicious circle and change the pattern.