I want to change her

[Changer]

I am with a woman who I adore. The main problem is, I want to change her. I want her to wear designer clothes (I will pay for them), go to more trendy bars (I basically want her to have a more expensive lifestyle), I also don't want her to smoke. These may seem like small problems but I am letting these problems eat away at me and I am taking it all out on her, and she doesn't realise what she is doing wrong. I have tried to get her to spend my money and buy more expensive clothes but she seems determined to buy what she wants to wear. I just feel if she really loved me she would wear nicer clothes for me. There has been occassions where I have bought her clothes and she wears them and loves them. Why does she have to defy me all the time. I feel all of this is ruining our relationship and maybe I should move on to someone who is more like myself.

 

can anyone advice.

 

Thanks in Advance

[Tony T]

This woman is not defying you by being herself and conducting herself as she has all her life. You are disrespecting the relationship by insisting that she behave according to your standards.

 

You begin by saying you adore her...then you list several things about her that are eating away at you. I think I understand what you mean, but what you really mean is that you adore certain things about her and do not like others.

 

If you truly love this woman, you can accept her as she is.

 

This woman is being true to herself by dressing the way that pleases her. Unlike many people who live their lives to please others, she seems very comfortable with herself and how she dresses. Likewise, she goes to bars and other places that make HER happy, unwilling to succumb to pressures to please or impress others. She gets a big thumbs up from me on this behavior.

 

You knew about these things when as you started dating her and you chose to fall in love...hey, it is up to YOU to accept these things, not up to her to change. She is not guilty of giving false impressions.

 

NOW, FOR THE BIGGEST PROBLEM YOU HAVE:

 

Now, I will tell you from my experience, I have been smitten with ladies that smoke. But regardless of just how hard I am hit by cupid's arrow, I refuse to live forever with someone with whom a deep kiss would be akin to licking an ashtray. If you feel as strongly as I do about this, if she doesn't stop smoking you will grow to be repulsed by her.

 

Will she stop smoking? 50/50 chance here. Smoking is a fierce addiciton, as bad or worse than any drug. Most smokers require a life-threatening condition such as impending heart disease or cancer, to get them to quit. Some don't even quit then. So, ask her if she will go to a smoke withdrawal clinic and let her know it's a condition of the relationship. If she goes and succeeds, know that at any moment in your life together, she could resume smoking as many do, just as a drinker may go back to booze.

 

If she won't seek serious medical intervention to help her stop smoking, turn off your computer right now and take the next plane to the Bahamas and spend a few weeks getting over her. Oh yes, before you do give her a call and tell her she's a lovely lady but not the one for you.

[Changer]

Tony

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

I know what you are saying however, regarding the smoking I smoke occassionally myself. I however am not addicted to it like she is and I find myself demanding her to stop or I will leave her. This cannot be normal behaviour can it. I do worry about her health, but I am more annoyed that she won't listen to me.

 

Do you think there is something wrong with my behaviour?

 

I was brought up in an enviornment where my mother jumped as soon as my father spoke, his word was everything.

 

I also pick on real silly things when it comes to her personal appearance, like I would tell her to go to the bathroom and pluck the tiny hair that is appearing on her chin. I can tell this annoys her, but she doesn't answer me back as such, she is an easy going person and I feel I am pushing her over the edge.

[Nicky]

Tony Thanks for your advice. I know what you are saying however, regarding the smoking I smoke occassionally myself. I however am not addicted to it like she is and I find myself demanding her to stop or I will leave her. This cannot be normal behaviour can it. I do worry about her health, but I am more annoyed that she won't listen to me. Do you think there is something wrong with my behaviour? I was brought up in an enviornment where my mother jumped as soon as my father spoke, his word was everything. I also pick on real silly things when it comes to her personal appearance, like I would tell her to go to the bathroom and pluck the tiny hair that is appearing on her chin. I can tell this annoys her, but she doesn't answer me back as such, she is an easy going person and I feel I am pushing her over the edge.

Hi there,

 

It sounds as though you may have been somewhat influenced and conditioned by the environment in which you grew up. As a result you pick on really unimportant things, because that's how you were subconciously taught to behave by your father: maybe that's how he behaved.

 

You cannot change people. The only person who can change is you. Do you really want to go through life pushing away those you love most, by criticizing people? They will ultimately feel unloved and leave.

 

You cannot control them. Accept them as they are. Believe me accepting that many things are beyond your control in life is a much happier alternative, than trying to change people around you to your high standards. YOU WILL NEVER BE IN CONTROL!

 

I think you should reflect more on the influences surrounding your childhood, and see if you've carried them into the present.

 

I really advise you to look also at how you see control in your life. Then decide if this is really the most beneficial way to live: for you or those around you.

[Lisa]

 

Wow Changer It sounds like you would be real lucky to find someone to put up with you! I'm sorry, but if you really love her or "adore" her as you say, then these issues should not be issues.

 

As to the larger problem; you cannot control others, only yourself. I don't know any women in this day and age who would tolerate the kind of control nazi you appear to be. I applaud your gf for her ignoring this.

 

In the future, you should continue to look for the perfect woman who will "jump" when you talk.

 

I'm sorry I don't mean to be mean but, come into the 21st century!

 

And in truth, if these little things about her bother you now, they will only bother you more in time.