mendsley Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Today is my 10 year anniversary with my wife who left me to work things out. Here is the background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167627/. Two days ago was my wifes birthday, I sent her a nice card and she said all she wanted was cash so I gave it to her. I have been trying really hard to be supportive and respectful to her requests and I don't know what to do for today. Should I wait for her to bring up today or should I initiate acknowledgment by calling her. I want to call, I want to send flowers but I don't know how she'll will feel if I were to do that. I am kinda disturbed cause she went to a night club last night with her sister and I don't like that at all. I guess today will be hard for me but I am going to get out and do something to keep me sane. Thanks- Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Don't do anything, nor say anything. Let HER remember and call you. Seems she is distant, doesn't want much from you (except some money) so the best advice I can give you is, focus on you, not her. Be with friends and family, try to keep busy and try your best not to worry about what your wife is doing. She certainly is focussing on just herself, not what you want or need. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Tough one! My instinct is also to just ignore the date. But then she may get pissed cos you didn't acknowledge it. But. If you do acknowledge it...equal chance she may get pissed at that. So, honestly, just do what your heart wants you to do, with full knowledge that you have a 50/50 chance of a good response from her. Perhaps it will depend on whether she generally has a positive or negative mindset, as far as you are concerned? If it's generally pessimistic, chances are that whatever you decide will give her cause to complain so, again, may as well just do what you feel is appropriate, and will help you feel good about how you're handling your side of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Here is what I did, well I sent her a text message and asked how she was doing and she said very tired from last night at the club. Well that is not what I want to hear but I sucked it up and told her I hope she had a good time, which of course she said it was very fun. I told her I was kind of feeling sad and I was thinking of her all day and she called a few seconds after I sent the last text. I wanted to see if maybe she would talk about the signifigance of the what today was and of course she didnt even bring it up. I know that we have nothing to really be excited for being we are seperated but Jesus Christ we can at least talk about our emotions. I told her again that I was thinking of her all day and all she said was "Oh thats nice". WTF this woman will not talk about herself, me or anything else that is a deep feeling. She is acting so strong to the point where I am even questioning if she really loves me like she says, or if she has any clue on what she wants to really do with our relationship. I am so pissed off right now and I am not gonna call, I am gonna wait for her to call me. I don't know what the F#$K is wrong with me, but I really want to get some type of positive emotion from her and I have a feeling it will never happen. I dont know what the right thing to do is but I dont even feel like talking to her no more, unless she initiates it. I have been trying so hard the last three months to show her that what is happening is a positive thing. That everything that is going on is a way for us to build off of and make a stronger future for us and our kids. I am just about to give up and throw in the towel. I want someone to love me, make me feel like I am wanted, and make me feel like I have a purpose in this life and I want to return the same. Sorry about rambling but I am so pissed off and I have not one person I can talk to so you guys are the lucky ones, thanks. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Today is my 10 year anniversary with my wife who left me to work things out. Here is the background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167627/. Two days ago was my wifes birthday, I sent her a nice card and she said all she wanted was cash so I gave it to her. I have been trying really hard to be supportive and respectful to her requests and I don't know what to do for today. Should I wait for her to bring up today or should I initiate acknowledgment by calling her. I want to call, I want to send flowers but I don't know how she'll will feel if I were to do that. I am kinda disturbed cause she went to a night club last night with her sister and I don't like that at all. I guess today will be hard for me but I am going to get out and do something to keep me sane. Thanks- Huh? You gave her money? Why?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Hey n9688m, I gave her money because I thought if that is what she wanted then thats what I will give her. I know she is the one that left me but I feel bad because she has no money and has 3 kids. I do pay her child support but I don't knoe if it enough. I don't know, but maybe I should not give her money, but I do not want to blow any chance I have to reconcile. Do think I should not give her money? Should I have NC with her, although we are not divorced but seperated? It is a shame because my judgment is clouded right now, but like I said before. Things are actually going good right now between us and I don't want to mess that up. Thanks- Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 mendsley, I think you are right -- expecting "positive emotion" from her is not realistic...it doesn't sound as if it is going to happen. As you say, it pisses you off when she does not deliver what you want, need or expect. Since it does not seem that she will be delivering that anytime soon...maybe time to change something on your end, so that you don't continue to be disappointed by her? It also doesn't sound as if she wishes to engage with you in any conversations of an emotional/personal nature. And, to be honest, it doesn't sound as if she is looking to use the separation "to build off of and make a stronger future for" the two of you and your family. When she asks you for money, she may or may not be taking advantage of your good nature and/or your desire to reconcile -- what does your gut tell you, about that? Limited contact may be the way for you to gain some distance to get those 'clouds' cleared from your judgment, develop a new perspective, and start making plans for your future. Limit your communications with her to the kids, discussing ways that you can each be the best co-parent possible, and to practical matters like whether or not you are making fair financial contributions to the kids' upkeep (and hers, if that is within your legal, post-marriage obligation.) Sorry you are going through this. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Hey n9688m, I gave her money because I thought if that is what she wanted then thats what I will give her. I know she is the one that left me but I feel bad because she has no money and has 3 kids. I do pay her child support but I don't knoe if it enough. I don't know, but maybe I should not give her money, but I do not want to blow any chance I have to reconcile. Do think I should not give her money? Should I have NC with her, although we are not divorced but seperated? It is a shame because my judgment is clouded right now, but like I said before. Things are actually going good right now between us and I don't want to mess that up. Thanks- Does money buy love? Does money buy respect? Stop paying for her indiscretion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Hello Ronni and TrustInYourself, I think limited contact is what I need to do here. It is amazing how much I am looking for any type of care or intrest from her and I keep setting up myself for failure. The money thing is a problem, TrustInYourself I believe that me giving her money is not the right way for me to be loved, but I have told her that I will give her money one more time and that is for Christmas. The funny thing is she said that she would rather "WE" spend the money together and put on the presents that they are from us both. I thought that was pretty cool of her to mention that, it made me feel like she does not want only the money. I am really confused with her and some of the things she asks for, some times it seems like she dont give a rats ass for me and then the next minute she comes off with some great idea like that. Well the plan is to put my self thru this abuse thru Chrsitmas and starting the first of the year I am gonna change the way I react to her needs. So as of the first limited contact with her, no money unless its for the kids, and I am going to bring up something that I have never really thought about and what Ronni mentioned; that is we need to use this seperation to to build off of and make a stronger future for the two of us and our family and we need to start seeing a marriage counselor. If she will not want to meet me in the middle for any of those I guess I will have to make the hardest decision of my life . Thanks for talking, I love this site and many of us are very fortunate to have all of you and your time Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 The funny thing is she said that she would rather "WE" spend the money together and put on the presents that they are from us both. I thought that was pretty cool of her to mention that, If I'm interpreting correctly, that is in relation to the kids (and/or family members)? In which case, it is not about the two of you as a couple. It is about the two of your as parents and/or members of your kids' families. If she will not go to couples' counseling then, yes, that is your answer right there. (It is that you thought of this as a potential rebuilding phase (perhaps only unconsciously?) but she doesn't appear to have looked at it like that [because] the piece that you are crediting me with, was actually quoted from your earlier post -- YOU deserve the credit! .) Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Hey n9688m, I gave her money because I thought if that is what she wanted then thats what I will give her. She needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
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