dirtylaundry Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I met this guy, TJ, at work in 07. After talking for a while at work and exchanging numbers, we started hanging out and having sex. (We don't work together anymore & that had nothing to do with the fact that we were sleeping together). We've been doing this for a little over a year. While there is an age difference (15 years) it doesn't bother either of us. I starting developing feelings for him, which was probably the worst thing that I could've done. We go out to hockey games, movies, food (not fancy dinners or anything since he works at a restaurant), gone to Cedar Point, I've met some of his friends and family. He knows I love photography and surprised me by taking me to a Pulitzer prize exhibit. We buy each other things, cook food for each other, have great conversations and great sex. he says he has fun with me and I always have a great time with him. We rarely fight and when we do it doesn't last long. He's affectionate towards me (like rubbing my back or leg while we're hanging out alone or with friends). Sounds like a relationship? NO. It's not to him. This is when I get upset. When I ask him why he wont date me he says he just wants to have fun since he has gone from relationship to relationship w/o much time being single in between. Before me, his last relationship ended years ago. He was almost married once, but caught her cheating...and this was like 10 years ago. We don't hold hands or kiss (outside of sex) because it's "too relationshipy" and he "doesn't want to give me the wrong idea". He has also told me that "it's not you, it's just how I am" and that "who knows when I'll want to date. Could be a week or 10 years." This is what I've been telling him: If he really liked me wouldn't he want to date? Why all the waiting? I've been there for him ever since we met and even went to the hospital with him when his father was passing away (on my birthday, no less). There has to be something wrong with me (not pretty enough? too young? embarressed by me??) that is stopping him from dating me. SO.... my question is: does it sound like all we'll ever be is just friends? If he just wants to be friends, why do I feel like he's treating me like a girlfriend? What should I do???? Link to post Share on other sites
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 wow friend this one is a simple one! You are giving him everything a girlfriend gives him without the commitment! As clitche as it may be, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?? I really dont think it has anything to do with you being pretty enough, too young or being embarrased. It has more to do with him having his cake (freedom) and eating it too (get to have sex! and a quasi gf!). Who would give that up! Two things may happen here. If you stop giving it up for free, his respect for you might increase and realize he just cant do whatever wants with you. Which in turn may want to make him date you for real... On the other hand, if you stop giving it up and he is the a$$ he seems to be from what you write, he will probably stop hanging out with you altogether since he isnt getting what he wants anymore and go off to find another naive girl who would do it. Now if you continue hooking up with him in the hopes he will change his mind, sorry to tell you, but it aint gonna happen. He has no incentive for it to change. In fact, he will have no respect for you since he probably already knows you want more from him but since he isnt willing to give it to you, you will take whatever crumbs he throws your way. I honestly think you have to be honest with yourself and with him. Sure at first it might have been a mutual bootie call but unfortunately more feelings developed in you. Respect those feelings and your self esteem. This isnt enough for you anymore. Let him know that, and tell him that if someday he wants to try something more establish he is welcome to contact you, but for now, this whole thing isnt healthy for you. Good luck girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dirtylaundry Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Two things may happen here. If you stop giving it up for free, his respect for you might increase and realize he just cant do whatever wants with you. Which in turn may want to make him date you for real... Thank you for your response. I know this is unhealthy for me, and I've had some time (a year, actually!) to think about it and every time I always go back on my word and end up sleeping with him. Are you saying that I should not sleep with him and just hang out...see how he responds? Link to post Share on other sites
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Well, i would say yes...but given this.. and every time I always go back on my word and end up sleeping with him. I dont think hanging out with him is such a hot idea, if you're serious about putting new boundaries for him. It seems that you already tried that route and you end up giving in...which by the way is quite bad, as he is less likely to take you seriously now. I think you should distance yourself from him, ofcourse letting him know why you're doing it. You obviously dont see him as just friends, which adds to the whole "not a good idea" the whole hanging out situation. Even if you are willing to just be his FRIEND (not FWB), you still need some space to let those crush/I want him feelings to cool off. It will also make him see that you are serious this time, that you are not his toy for play and that if he wants to have you he needs to be a man about it and also give you what you need. If he cant do that...then believe me you're better off without this type of "friend" Link to post Share on other sites
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