what do i do

[pl800]

I’m new here and I apologize for the extreme length. I need help / advice.

 

My girlfriend and I have been intimate for about 30 months now. I was married (no kids) and she was living with SO (with child from previous marriage -10) when we got together. My marriage wasn’t going well and neither was her relationship. Almost roommates for both of us. Some background she posted is in 2007 is here: [/sIZE][/FONT]"]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=132042&highlight=whynotgofast

 

GF and I are both into road racing (we drive at about 5 events per year) and we got together intimately at one of the weekends we were out of town attending a track event in June 2006. We had been flirting with each other for some time but kept our distance. For the 1st three months or so after that 1st encounter it was non-stop talk / sex / love. We got together intimately almost every day - talked constantly.

 

In Sept. 2006 GF was paired with a driving instructor at a track event who flirted with her and told her he was a single dad. GF and I attended the event together. This event was an annual event that instructor was largely responsible for and happens every Sept. She found out the day after the event that instructor was actually married with a family. He lives about 300 miles away. She made it clear to me that she initiated contact with instructor shortly after the event, but that it was about car stuff only. I didn’t believe her. We fought about it for months while she insisted it was just car stuff e-mails and nothing more

 

At the time, I had been telling GF I didn’t think I could leave my wife and I was unsure about raising kids (I’m 50 and never had children - she’s 40 with son). GF and I were in love, our relationship was very new, but she wanted to know our future and I was unsure. I said anything is possible but I didn’t know. She very much wants to plan her future and I’m more of a one day at a time guy. Our relationship seemed to change. We didn’t see each other as much and talked less frequently. We still got together intimately, but less frequently.

 

A couple months after they met, GF told me instructor might propose marriage to her if I didn’t act fast. I freaked and we fought more. Shortly after she told me told me she’d just said that to make me jealous.

 

In spring 2007, GF told me that she was done communicating with instructor once and for all, because of our relationship, and instructor took it poorly - he threatened to run her off the track if he ever saw her again. She stopped talking about him to me altogether

 

In late summer 2007 my wife told me she wanted to divorce. It had nothing to do with GF. I was planning to move out Sept. 1st. The divorce would be final in March 2008. It was very amiable

 

GF and I took a weekend out of town in late August 2007 to plan the rest of the track dates we would attend that year (a couple weeks before I was to move out). One of the dates we discussed was the annual event GF met instructor at the previous year. I said I didn’t want to attend that event (I didn’t want to be around him with her). I said I would be busy with the move, work, etc. GF and I made our schedule and would attend several events but not that particular one.

 

The next morning GF called me and said instructor had just phoned her (she hadn’t mentioned his name at all for months since the "run you off the track" thing) and she was going to meet him to drive his race car at his annual event. I asked if I could go with and GF said I’d be too busy with my move, work, etc. I was very hurt. We fought bitterly and she ultimately didn’t go.

 

The rift between us seemed to be growing, I was pushing her for answers about instructor, and in December 2007, she told me that she had been attracted to instructor (handsome, wealthy race car driver who was very attracted to her from the beginning) and that she had pursued him to see what might come of it. I hadn’t made a commitment to her at the time they met, was married, and she was looking at options. I felt very hurt because I had been accusing her of this very thing and fighting with her about it all that time and GF had been denying it for 15 months. This created a sense of mis-trust in GF and I questioned to myself the nature of the relationship she had been having with instructor. During this time GF and I were still intimate and loving with each other when we got together. We agreed to make up. I accepted her apology.

 

The time GF and I were spending together was dwindling and she was very hurt that I still couldn’t commit to her or to the idea of raising a family. I was hurt that she wasn’t spending more time with me.

 

Shortly after, GF asked her SO to move out. GF, son, and I would try and make a go of it. We live 75 miles apart and it’s difficult for us to be together more than on weekends and one or two days during the week. But we would give our relationship a try

 

Early this year I asked GF to finally be done with instructor once and for all. GF said he had been out of her life for some time already but she couldn’t alienate him completely because he was a big shot in car circles and could somehow affect her standing with the club we drive with. That she had to be nice to him. We drive maybe 4-6 times per year. I was very hurt by her comment and we fought more. I confronted GF about instructor and GF said he was in the past and didn’t mean anything to her. She questioned my right to tell her to stop contact with him (or anybody) - that I was imposing my will on her about who she could / could not befriend. I challenged that premise because of the circumstances. She relented and agreed to stop all contact with him. She hasn't mentioned him to me after that

 

Since then we have been getting along well and have become very close. It seems that we found a good place. I have fallen in love with her son and attend ball-games, do homework, vacations together, etc. It’s still difficult because of the distance between us but we’re trying. It has been very loving and very close

 

Problem:

I can’t seem let go of the relationship GF had with instructor.

I question to myself whether he was really gone all the time between the "run you off the track" seperation and the day she called to tell me she was going to meet him for the weekend and drive his race car

I question her motives for telling me he was gone in the 1st place.

I question whether they talked about her attending his annual event (without me) prior to the day she told me about it - and the implications of that are huge to me.

She said it was no big deal - that she was simply going to drive his race car at the track.

I strongly disagreed because of their history and how it had affected our relationship.

I question the reason she didn’t want me to go with her - because of my busy schedule - or if she was still seeking options with him.

I question that she actually believed he could affect her standing in any way - in any part of her life - and yet she defends this statement to this day.

She hasn’t mentioned him for months now, but I question if that’s because he’s really gone or if she is just keeping quiet about him.

She has always insisted that their relationship was strictly platonic and that she was never physically with instructor except for the time they met in 2006 in my presence. That their relationship has consisted solely of IM's, e-mails, and phone calls.

 

I keep my feelings inside me for months at a time and we get along very well. Then I can’t stand it any more, and blurt out my feelings of mis-trust and questions about past events and what may/may not still be happening. She feels I’m ambushing her when I do this and I should get over it and believe that nothing happened and that he's gone. That nothing happened between her and instructor. That it's been over for months now. To trust her and believe in her love for me

 

I recently did just this same thing again and now the rift between us is huge. I wanted to talk to her about past events and things got out of hand as usual. She's very depressed and extremely upset. I want to believe that instructor is gone, but the chain of events during the course of my relationship with GF cause me to question that. It wouldn’t even matter to me if they had a physical affair as long as GF and I could honestly talk about it, and I could understand her motivations and try and work through them with her to ensure that they are resolved. I truly believe she loves only me and I know I love only her and I honestly believe we could work through anything. I need to know that she understands my commitment to her and her son and doesn’t need to seek other options with anyone else. I don’t want to lose her but I feel that the true nature of the relationship she had with instructor has never been fully disclosed to me

 

She says I should get professional help with my feelings of betrayal and mis-trust before we can resume our relationship. That she doesn’t trust me now because I’ve told her again of my questions doubts and that maybe I don’t really love her after all - that maybe I never did. She feels she has told me enough about instructor already, that I should trust her that nothing happened between them, and that it was all strictly platonic. That the rift between us now lies solely with me. She says we’re re-hashing old news. I don’t know what is going to happen between us and I don’t know what to do. I need some help and advice. Thanks

[Geishawhelk]

I can’t seem let go of the relationship GF had with instructor........She says I should get professional help with my feelings of betrayal and mis-trust before we can resume our relationship.

 

I'd follow her advice.

[pl800]

I'd follow her advice.

 

 

Thanks.

I've already initiated the contact and set it up.

I'm going to follow through and do whatever it takes.

This is too big to let slip away.

She means too much to me.